tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43172643307560637912024-03-13T06:23:11.482-04:00Looking Up in the DownpourMy journey through the rain to Look Up and know my God betterHillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.comBlogger74125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-11478527707210820712011-09-15T06:20:00.001-04:002011-09-15T06:20:34.626-04:00Changes are coming...Lots has taken place since my last post....In order to condense it so you are not reading for the next year, I am picking pictures to tell the story. These pictures show some of the big things before the big move. :)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Emily and Singleton, her BFF from preschool!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Alie's silly face...makes me smile.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hurricane Irene coming to Chesapeake!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Alie practicing her songs...because there is nothing else to do in during the storm with no electricity!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Splashing in puddles between Hurricane Irene squalls</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Alie splashing in the puddles...she was soaked but had so much fun!!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Alie's birthday dinner... Plaza Azteca! We had no power so<br />
I decided we would go out!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Alie and her birthday cake....Tinkerbell for our Tinker!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Blowing out her candle....I am three now!<br />
Even without power we celebrated!</td></tr>
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More to come...had to stop to let blogger not mess up. It is not working quite right...as you can tell from the unevenness of the pictures. <br />
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Love,<br />
HillaryHillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-15385143327301224562011-08-11T21:07:00.005-04:002011-08-11T21:57:07.685-04:00hello world...<div><div>I need to blog. I have spent the day crying on and off. And I need my outlet. It is here. This is one of the places that I can be authentically me, not holding back and letting it all go. </div><div> </div><div>Let me start with the update. It has been so long that there is so much that has happened. For my sweet friends who see me on Facebook all the time, bear with me here. This will be redundant for you...but pivotal to bring me back up to date.</div><div> </div><div>Bryan has deployed since my last post. And he made it home safely. I am so grateful for him. Along those lines, we have received orders to his next duty station. We are going to Stuttgart, Germany for the next 3 years. Long time but so short too. We are going to really enjoy our time there. We are planning lots of sightseeing (yes, I am my father's traveling daughter!) and plenty of trips to those places I have only dreamed of until now. The packers come in 19 days and we fly out in 26 days. I am nervous. I will admit that. And I know that the first few weeks and months will be hard. But we will get through that and I am sure we will thoroughly enjoy our time in Europe once we get through the initial shock of it all.</div><div> </div><div>The girls are thriving. Emily has finished the 1st grade and is excited to begin school once we arrive in Germany. She is spunky, imaginative, sassy, and beautiful. I am so proud of her. She was so excited this week when she passed her swim test at the YMCA. She can now be in the pool without one of us with her. Wow....not sure I am quite ready for it. But I let her go down the big slides and she was ecstatic! I find myself needing to let go and let her grow, even when I am praying through every moment of it.</div><div>Allison is almost 3 and we can tell! She is full of questions, personality and temper tantrums! She won't take a nap but needs it still. And if she does take a nap, she is up late! I don't really know which is worse. </div><div>Natalie, our sweet angel, is missed by the bucketfuls. I long for her in places of my heart that I did not think were there. It takes my breath away most of the time still. Emily talks about her all the time and Allison has even begun talking about her "big siter Natalie". Alie knows her pictures and asks when they can play together. Breaks my heart on a daily basis. Natalie's birthday is this coming Thursday and we will be celebrating every moment we had with her. We will start with donuts and coffee to the PICU at NMCP. That evening,we will celebrate her with our closest friends here. There will be food, cake, ice cream and balloons sent to her telling our girl just how much we love her, miss her and are thankful for every second we spent together.</div><div> </div><div>Can you believe she would be 5 years old this year?!? It feels like she was born just yesterday and it also feels like more than a lifetime. I am not sure which is worse. I miss her with every ounce of me, every breath I take and every step. She is my first thought when I wake and my last before I fall asleep. Her pictures are in every room of our home. I miss her so desperately.</div><div> </div><div>I am hanging in. I have begun looking at when and where I will complete my Bachelor's degree and move onto my PharmD. I miss the pharmacy. I miss the challenge of it all. I miss my career. I need to be home with the girls now. But I also need to begin back on my journey so that I can be me, the pharmacy girl, again. I am staying in women's bible study groups as much as I can to learn more about Jesus and the heaven I will be joining my sweet girl in. The girls keep me busy and on my toes. And I enjoy this time with them. They are growing so fast. I am grateful that I am able to be home now and see all these lovely stages. I mean that, really!</div><div> </div><div>So as we begin on this journey to Europe, I am going to begin blogging again. It will be for me to get out what I am thinking and how I feel. It will be to update our family and friends on where we are, what we are doing and how much fun we can have there. It will be an online diary for the girls to remember our time in Germany. I have debated starting a new blog. But this is home. We are still looking up, looking for guidance, looking to the One who can heal our broken hearts. There is still a downpour....it will slow but I know this rain is here to stay. Thankfully we have an umbrella, One who holds each tear we cry and wipes our cheeks with His love and mercy.</div><div> </div><div>Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. ~1 Chronicles 16:11</div><div> </div><div>For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. ~Psalm 30:5</div><div> </div><div>All my love,</div><div>Hillary</div></div>
<br />Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-11509297010860915812010-10-24T22:30:00.004-04:002010-10-24T23:40:03.504-04:00Three Years...<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/TMT8AB2gkZI/AAAAAAAAAds/v25thSVV6wQ/s1600/PA080173.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5531823319745073554" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/TMT8AB2gkZI/AAAAAAAAAds/v25thSVV6wQ/s320/PA080173.JPG" /></a><br /><div>My sweet baby Natalie,</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Oh, how I miss you. I miss your smell. I miss your smile. I miss your cuddles. I miss your energy. I miss your curiosity. I miss your spunk. I miss the way you put your arms behind you like you were taking flight even though you were just walking. I miss your love of mac and cheese and chicken nuggets. I miss how you and Emily played together. I miss every inch of you, every moment that we did not get together, every milestone and holiday that we lost. You are never far from my thoughts. You are my first thought in the morning along with Emily and Allison. You are my last thought at night. You and your sisters make my heart smile and cry all at the same time.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Three years ago I sat by your bed. I begged you to open your eyes, to tell me you love me just once. I held your hand, rubbed your legs, brushed your hair. I brought stuffed animals to keep you company and pictures to show you were full of life. I told stories about you to anyone that would listen. I pumped milk so that you could still nurse when you woke up. And I prayed. I prayed more than any other time in my life. I prayed that God would give you back to me. What I learned that day was that I am not in control. He is. And He held you and me both that night while I waited. Waited for miracles. Waited for answers. Waited for anything. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I would love one more day with you, boogs. I would love a lifetime more with you. But I am so very proud to be your mom. I am so thankful for the 14 months and 12 days that I physically held you in my arms, the 39 weeks I carried you in my womb, and the lifetime that I get to spend telling others just how fantastic you were.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Three years....feels like forever since I held you. Three years...seems like it should be so short in the grand scheme of things. Three years. I do not know how I have gotten this far. And I don't know how I will go another three years. But I do know that everyday is one day closer to you, one day closer to heaven. And everyday I will choose to remember, choose to love, choose to fight. I will do all I can to keep your sisters and your Daddy safe. And I will look forward to the day that I see you again.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I love you so much. I ache for you all the time. I am desperate to hold on to what I have of you here. You are missed more than you could ever imagine. You will always be my Natalie, my boogsie, my little ladybug. You will always be a part of my day, a part of my thoughts, and a part of my heart.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I love you sweet girl!</div><br /><div>I miss you most...</div><br /><div>Love,</div><br /><div>Mommy</div>Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-24587754193866782832010-07-14T16:15:00.008-04:002010-07-19T23:10:40.862-04:00Fearless...Fear Less<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#000000;">I used to be fearless. I used to be invincible. I used to be footloose and fancy free! I used to not worry. My only fear was that the house was going to catch fire and I would lose my pictures. That was it. I was not scared of anything. Then the worst happened. And my fearlessness turned to daily terror. Fear of erasing pictures that I cannot get back, fear of car accidents, fear of the house burning down and not getting Natalie's urn or albums out. Fear of swimming, fear of playing somewhere that we are unfamiliar with, fear of burying another child, fear of having my heart broken again.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#000000;">Fear tends to grip me when things are not working right. It has been that way for the last few weeks. Car repairs, demanding toddlers (both of them) and general exhaustion has definitely contributed to the fear and anxiety I have been feeling.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#000000;">This weekend, we came down to Florida for a visit with my family. We saw Kimberly and Mark a few weeks ago over Fourth of July weekend. So it was definitely time to see my parents and grandparents. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#000000;">We all were invited over to dinner at the home of my parent's good friends, the Thomases. I was fine with it....until Dad said that they have a pool. Let me preface this by saying that we have not ventured into any backyard and only two homes that have backyard pools since before Natalie's accident. I do not go there. I do not like them. I do not want to be near them. Not since Natalie's death. Too hard...too much imagination to want to go there much less the chance of another child falling in and getting hurt. I very reluctantly said ok to going, not because I did not think we would enjoy ourselves, but simply because I knew that Emily would want to swim and I was going to have to face my fear head on. But, with me in the pool with both girls, Emily in her vest, and four other adults watching all of us, I decided that I would have to go there sometime and this would be it.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#000000;">We went. We swam. We had a good time. I was not <em>fearless</em>. But I did <em>fear less. </em>I don't have to be fearless. I won't be. But I can fear less so that my babies can enjoy something they love so much, swimming. Allison will be in swim lessons for the first time as soon as we get home. And Emily will be back in them so she can be the best swimmer and the safest swimmer she can be. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#000000;">I do love swimming. I always have. I want my girls to love it too. I don't want them to be fearless...there is a potential for something to go wrong. But between my fearful soul and their fearless inhibitions, I am going to <em>fear less</em>.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#000000;">For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. ~Isaiah 41:13 NIV</span><br /><p><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#000000;">Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I am not letting go. I am telling you, 'Don't panic. I'm right here to help you.' ~Isaiah 41:13 The Message</span></p><p><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;color:#000000;">When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.~Proverbs 3:24</span></p><p><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Good night all!</span></p><p><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Love,</span></p><p><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our sweet angel Natalie</span></p>Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-48909343249002953322010-05-20T23:56:00.003-04:002010-05-21T00:10:19.936-04:00Testing... one two threeI am having difficulties, technical ones. I write all my posts, both published and unpublished, on my hard drive first. Then I copy and paste into blogger and caringbridge for the world to see. I can't get it to copy and paste tonight...any suggestions???<br /><br />I am not feeling mechanically inclined right now!<br /><br />Meanwhile...until I figure out what to do, you can catch my ramblings on the caringbridge site, <a href="http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/nataliebrooke">www.caringbridge.org/visit/nataliebrooke</a><br /><br />Until later...<br />HillaryHillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-17299714080768297522010-04-05T09:48:00.011-04:002010-04-05T10:20:37.525-04:00Easter picsEaster has been good, hectic, sad, joyous, calming, reflective, and cute! We went to the mall on Saturday night (cause it makes the most sense to wait until the last minute...right?!?!) to see the easter bunny. Bunny took a break so we waited 1.5 hours for the photo we all have to have. Bummer. But I got a few cute pics while waiting for the bunny to finish his dinner of carrots. :)<br /><br /><br /><br /><p align="center"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7ntQ0UKD3I/AAAAAAAAAc8/H4GlCFHsvCk/s1600/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0010.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 213px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456653296712945522" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7ntQ0UKD3I/AAAAAAAAAc8/H4GlCFHsvCk/s320/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0010.jpg" /></a></p><br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nshJdNaFI/AAAAAAAAAc0/5gBwEsS41iM/s1600/Emily+Easter_0009.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456652477754337362" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nshJdNaFI/AAAAAAAAAc0/5gBwEsS41iM/s320/Emily+Easter_0009.jpg" /></a> <div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nsg0hZ-fI/AAAAAAAAAcs/ydKrIZTmY9g/s1600/Emily+Easter.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 213px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456652472134793714" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nsg0hZ-fI/AAAAAAAAAcs/ydKrIZTmY9g/s320/Emily+Easter.jpg" /></a><br /><div><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nsRKwT2oI/AAAAAAAAAcc/TPZHJ6R5m2U/s1600/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0009.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 213px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456652203224980098" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nsRKwT2oI/AAAAAAAAAcc/TPZHJ6R5m2U/s320/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0009.jpg" /></a><br />Of course, Alie was not really happy with a large bunny holding on to her. So she stood in front. I thought it was a good compromise!<br /><br /><br /><div>Sunday was busy with church, lunch, cleaning the backyard a bit, easter egg hunt and grilling dinner. We always purchase a flower from the church in memory of Natalie from all of us. Emily picks which one and she chose a pink hydrangea. Now I have to figure out how to take care of this plant too! But it is beautiful and a good reminder of our sweet girl who is missed so desperately.<br /><br /><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nsQq381xI/AAAAAAAAAcM/RD8T36FCegA/s1600/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0007.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456652194667091730" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nsQq381xI/AAAAAAAAAcM/RD8T36FCegA/s320/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0007.jpg" /></a><br /><div><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nsDQ5MNqI/AAAAAAAAAcE/CcZ8tzchW6g/s1600/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0006.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456651964354672290" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nsDQ5MNqI/AAAAAAAAAcE/CcZ8tzchW6g/s320/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0006.jpg" /></a><br /><div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nsCyIp7SI/AAAAAAAAAb8/C79RgEaRIJ4/s1600/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0005.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 213px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456651956098034978" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nsCyIp7SI/AAAAAAAAAb8/C79RgEaRIJ4/s320/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0005.jpg" /></a> This is William, one of Alie's "men"...she has several friends that are her age, almost all are boys. But William holds a special place in her heart. She like to kiss his picture! I think he makes her heart flutter!</div><div><br /><div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nsCmP-n5I/AAAAAAAAAb0/4kyViQteJss/s1600/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0004.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456651952907526034" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nsCmP-n5I/AAAAAAAAAb0/4kyViQteJss/s320/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0004.jpg" /></a><br /><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nruPwqaQI/AAAAAAAAAbs/2I3JZZ2HGIs/s1600/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0003.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 213px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456651603273214210" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nruPwqaQI/AAAAAAAAAbs/2I3JZZ2HGIs/s320/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0003.jpg" /></a> Easter egg hunting in the back yard had to come after nap time. Alie had turned into a pumpkin and needed her beauty sleep. Good thing...we got some great pictures of the girls and Alie had a ball on her first egg hunt. Every time she saw an egg she would shout, "Eeeeegg"and get so excited! It was so very cute. Too bad I did not think of getting out the video camera. :(<br /><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nrtwU4zwI/AAAAAAAAAbk/qIq6M9eD4zA/s1600/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0002.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 213px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456651594835218178" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nrtwU4zwI/AAAAAAAAAbk/qIq6M9eD4zA/s320/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0002.jpg" /></a> <a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nrth14_RI/AAAAAAAAAbc/3WZ-g57Gfxk/s1600/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0001.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 213px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456651590947110162" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nrth14_RI/AAAAAAAAAbc/3WZ-g57Gfxk/s320/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison_0001.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nrYysbE5I/AAAAAAAAAbU/k9NrPJycve0/s1600/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 213px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456651234693550994" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/S7nrYysbE5I/AAAAAAAAAbU/k9NrPJycve0/s320/Easter+Emily+Alie+Allison.jpg" /></a> It was a good day. It was a wonderful reminder that there is a place for each of us in Heaven because of Jesus and His ultimate sacrifice. It is a reminder that we sin, we fall short, but we are forgiven. I'm forgiven. You are forgiven. We all can rejoice in that.</div><div><br />Until later....</div><div>Hillary<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></div><div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-18343400435718477862010-03-11T19:57:00.001-05:002010-03-11T20:00:37.050-05:00I am angry...I have been absent. I have been busy. I have been lazy. I have been angry.<br />This is what has kept me from writing. I am mad. I am mad that I didn’t go with my gut instincts on October 24th. I am mad that the door opened. I am mad that Natalie’s accident happened. I am mad that Bryan was not home then. I am mad that she never woke up again. I am mad that I had to say goodbye. I am mad that Emily struggles with her feelings of grief and loss on a daily basis and I can’t take that away. I am mad that Allison will never meet her sister. I am mad that I have a beautiful urn in my living room. I am mad that I don’t have a cemetery to visit and grieve in so that I can come home and not do it there. I am mad that I have 2 bins of 12-18 month clothing that needs to be worn (to get the use that the money paid for) but I can’t bring myself to do it...or to get rid of it. I am mad that I don’t get to raise all three of my girls. I am mad that Natalie will never tell me I love you (at least not on this side of the veil). I am mad that she will never have a first love, first kiss, first dance at her wedding. I am mad that she will not get to take care of Bryan and me when we are old and ornery. I am mad at the thought of being mad.<br /><br />That is what my life, thoughts, and writings have been for the last 3 months. I have been absent because the story would have been the same. I did not want to bore you with it. But then I realized…although I write to let you all know how we are doing, I also write to work through all of these feelings. So I decided that I need to get back to writing. Here I sit, in front of a computer screen, in front of an urn, trying to put my thoughts into sentences. This is quite difficult, much more than I thought it would be.<br /><br />Until later...<br />HillaryHillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-87152223703047399252010-03-10T14:46:00.002-05:002010-03-10T14:48:42.150-05:00re-emergingThe last time I wrote on this blog, I had just been to the zoo with Alie while Emily was at school. Today, I went to the zoo with a sweet friend and her babies while Emily is at school.<br /><br />It is time to start blogging again. I needed a break...I needed to clear my head. But all this break has done is cloud my mind because I have not let out all the stuff in it.<br /><br />It is coming...it may be long...I hope you will stick around.<br /><br />Until this evening....<br />HillaryHillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-88689984079769618592009-10-30T09:21:00.002-04:002009-10-30T09:24:50.086-04:00Who You'd Be Today<span id="role_document" style="font-family:Arial;font-size:85%;color:#000000;"> <div><p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 10pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="font-size:100%;">There is a song, I know it sounds a bit cliché, but there is a song. I went to my first Kenny Chesney concert when he was the opening act for Tim McGraw on the Set This Circus Down tour. Then I saw him again in the summer of 2007. He sang a song that always tugged at my heart strings. Now, this song brings me to my knees. I always think of Natalie. I always wonder...who she would be today. I catch glimpses through my friend's children. I can watch her run, talk, play, and love on her sister Alie through them. I had the sweetest moment with Julia the other day at the zoo. She and Alie and I were hanging out. She randomly walked over the Alie in her stroller and kissed her on the top of the head. Then a few moments later she did it again saying I love you baby Alie. I can only imagine what kind of sister Natalie would be. This song will not leave my head, it is playing over and over....<br /><br />Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney<?xml:namespace prefix = o /><o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 10pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="font-size:100%;">Sunny days seem to hurt the most.<br />I wear the pain like a heavy coat.<br />I feel you everywhere I go.<br />I see your smile, I see your face,<br />I hear you laughin' in the rain.<br />I still can't believe you're gone.<br /><br />It ain't fair: you died too young,<br />Like the story that had just begun,<br />But death tore the pages all away.<br />God knows how I miss you,<br />All the hell that I've been through,<br />Just knowin' no-one could take your place.<br />An' sometimes I wonder,<br />Who'd you be today?<br /><br />Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?<br />Settle down with a family,<br />I wonder what would you name your babies?<br />Some days the sky's so blue,<br />I feel like I can talk to you,<br />An' I know it might sound crazy.<br /><br />It ain't fair: you died too young,<br />Like the story that had just begun,<br />But death tore the pages all away.<br />God knows how I miss you,<br />All the hell that I've been through,<br />Just knowin' no-one could take your place.<br />An' sometimes I wonder,<br />Who you'd be today?<br /><br />Today, today, today.<br />Today, today, today.<br /></span></span><span style="LINE-HEIGHT: 115%;font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';font-size:10;" ><br /></span><i><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="font-size:100%;">[Instrumental Break]</span></span></i><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';"><br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">Sunny days seem to hurt the most.<br />I wear the pain like a heavy coat.<br />The only thing that gives me hope,<br />Is I know I'll see you again some day.<br /><br />Some day, some day, some day.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 10pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';"><o:p><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></o:p></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 10pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="font-size:100%;">Someday I will know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I will see her again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I will know how her personality blossomed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>And my questions will be answered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I will hold her, kiss the top of her head, and tell her I love her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I will get to take off my coat and my heart won't hurt anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>My tears will be gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Some day…<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 10pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="font-size:100%;">Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. ~Psalm 27:14<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 10pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italicfont-family:'Arial','sans-serif';" ><span style="font-size:100%;">"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 10pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italicfont-family:'Arial','sans-serif';" ><span style="font-size:100%;">Today, we are taking treats up to the PICU staff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I like to feed them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It makes me feel like I am helping a little when they did so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>We have yummy cupcakes and coffee for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>This will be the first trip up to visit without Bryan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I don't know how I will do, probably cry a lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>But I will make the time to say thank you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It is important to say thank you.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 10pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italicfont-family:'Arial','sans-serif';" ><span style="font-size:100%;">Love,<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 10pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-font-style: italicfont-family:'Arial','sans-serif';" ><span style="font-size:100%;">Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and our sweet angel baby Nat Nat</span></span><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';"><o:p></o:p></span></p></div></span>Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-83872206366616223342009-10-29T00:37:00.007-04:002009-10-29T00:49:06.287-04:00New York in a few pictures...Ok, it is a few more than a few pictures. We had a blast!!! I need to write up the whole trip so we have the record and you can see what we did. This first picture is in the Plaza Hotel, the home of Eloise. And now, a trip to NYC and staying at the Plaza is on my bucket list. I have to do that one! <br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukdEao0gCI/AAAAAAAAAak/69M7_aMLURQ/s1600-h/IMG_3060.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 213px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397877590087467042" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukdEao0gCI/AAAAAAAAAak/69M7_aMLURQ/s320/IMG_3060.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukdD731SoI/AAAAAAAAAac/5M5CF8edlTY/s1600-h/IMG_3080.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397877581828934274" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukdD731SoI/AAAAAAAAAac/5M5CF8edlTY/s320/IMG_3080.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukc8mLzrAI/AAAAAAAAAaU/DVLOYYe1DcU/s1600-h/IMG_3045.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397877455748049922" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukc8mLzrAI/AAAAAAAAAaU/DVLOYYe1DcU/s320/IMG_3045.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukc8FdQ-gI/AAAAAAAAAaM/pJtlPf4udrA/s1600-h/IMG_3044.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397877446962903554" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukc8FdQ-gI/AAAAAAAAAaM/pJtlPf4udrA/s320/IMG_3044.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukc7yFC0rI/AAAAAAAAAaE/MY96krtXq24/s1600-h/IMG_3025.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 213px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397877441761039026" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukc7yFC0rI/AAAAAAAAAaE/MY96krtXq24/s320/IMG_3025.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukc7pnPMFI/AAAAAAAAAZ8/99XWU3tJauk/s1600-h/IMG_3024.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397877439488536658" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukc7pnPMFI/AAAAAAAAAZ8/99XWU3tJauk/s320/IMG_3024.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukcw3RxIGI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/eMPB2cBZvDo/s1600-h/IMG_3004.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 213px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397877254178021474" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukcw3RxIGI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/eMPB2cBZvDo/s320/IMG_3004.jpg" /></a><br /><br />FAO Schwarz<br /><div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukcwl8uM5I/AAAAAAAAAZs/3fuOjxcGxFc/s1600-h/IMG_3000.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 213px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397877249526346642" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukcwl8uM5I/AAAAAAAAAZs/3fuOjxcGxFc/s320/IMG_3000.jpg" /></a><br /></div><div>The Empire State Bldg from the Williamsburg Bridge<br /></div><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukcwVklIHI/AAAAAAAAAZk/_o97zqMvxYY/s1600-h/IMG_2983.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397877245130121330" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukcwVklIHI/AAAAAAAAAZk/_o97zqMvxYY/s320/IMG_2983.jpg" /></a><br /><br />Keli and Alie<br /><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukcwEbqRXI/AAAAAAAAAZc/JU6qSdg4b_4/s1600-h/IMG_2955.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397877240529306994" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukcwEbqRXI/AAAAAAAAAZc/JU6qSdg4b_4/s320/IMG_2955.jpg" /></a><br /><br />Hillary and Emily<br /><div><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukclnOXBoI/AAAAAAAAAZU/VE0PF7GVquM/s1600-h/IMG_2953.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397877060890199682" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukclnOXBoI/AAAAAAAAAZU/VE0PF7GVquM/s320/IMG_2953.jpg" /></a><br /><br />Empire State Bldg<br /><div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukcle7fXhI/AAAAAAAAAZM/tiPtg8Ne4KU/s1600-h/IMG_2897.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397877058663570962" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukcle7fXhI/AAAAAAAAAZM/tiPtg8Ne4KU/s320/IMG_2897.jpg" /></a><br /><br />Such a cutie!!!<br /><div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukclJYUJCI/AAAAAAAAAZE/oJoCK73mBJ8/s1600-h/IMG_2889.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397877052878890018" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukclJYUJCI/AAAAAAAAAZE/oJoCK73mBJ8/s320/IMG_2889.jpg" /></a><br /><br />Emily took this one!<br /><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukck9ao-yI/AAAAAAAAAY8/WRVdJubGihM/s1600-h/IMG_2887.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397877049667418914" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sukck9ao-yI/AAAAAAAAAY8/WRVdJubGihM/s320/IMG_2887.jpg" /></a><br /><br />Times Square<br /><div><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukcV9E6pSI/AAAAAAAAAY0/Xt_yleONlWs/s1600-h/IMG_2875.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397876791878264098" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukcV9E6pSI/AAAAAAAAAY0/Xt_yleONlWs/s320/IMG_2875.jpg" /></a><br /><br />Ferris Wheel in Toys R Us<br /><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukcVXtBNXI/AAAAAAAAAYs/bHRsNDOS25s/s1600-h/IMG_2842.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397876781845919090" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukcVXtBNXI/AAAAAAAAAYs/bHRsNDOS25s/s320/IMG_2842.jpg" /></a><br /><br />Morgan Freeman!!!<br /><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukcVAYj9RI/AAAAAAAAAYk/sYXtA6meTqA/s1600-h/IMG_2834.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397876775586100498" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukcVAYj9RI/AAAAAAAAAYk/sYXtA6meTqA/s320/IMG_2834.jpg" /></a><br />Ok, really he is wax...but how real does he look?!?<br /><br />Ground Zero...what a sight!<br /><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukcU_m7VoI/AAAAAAAAAYc/wzzGoTGnJBk/s1600-h/IMG_2822.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5397876775377917570" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SukcU_m7VoI/AAAAAAAAAYc/wzzGoTGnJBk/s320/IMG_2822.jpg" /></a><br /><div> </div><div>Good night all!!</div><div>Love,</div><div>Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie</div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-50061508127586819782009-10-09T22:50:00.007-04:002009-10-09T23:06:32.487-04:00Emily's big news!<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Ss_4t02tEwI/AAAAAAAAAYU/sowubIyzawo/s1600-h/IMG_2792.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5390800745151664898" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Ss_4t02tEwI/AAAAAAAAAYU/sowubIyzawo/s320/IMG_2792.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Ss_4tVtzWGI/AAAAAAAAAYM/X3GUpOoQVA8/s1600-h/IMG_2793.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5390800736792828002" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Ss_4tVtzWGI/AAAAAAAAAYM/X3GUpOoQVA8/s320/IMG_2793.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div><div><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Ss_3oa9TEpI/AAAAAAAAAYE/paSUcxFWaGU/s1600-h/IMG_2783.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5390799552789025426" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Ss_3oa9TEpI/AAAAAAAAAYE/paSUcxFWaGU/s320/IMG_2783.jpg" /></a></div><br /><br /><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Ss_3nwqVgYI/AAAAAAAAAX8/Pq_jIa6Yhf8/s1600-h/IMG_2788.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5390799541435203970" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Ss_3nwqVgYI/AAAAAAAAAX8/Pq_jIa6Yhf8/s320/IMG_2788.jpg" /></a></div><br /><br /><div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Ss_3nb95G3I/AAAAAAAAAX0/CtFD2EI1gxQ/s1600-h/IMG_2787.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5390799535880084338" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Ss_3nb95G3I/AAAAAAAAAX0/CtFD2EI1gxQ/s320/IMG_2787.jpg" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">Just wanted to get these pictures up to share Emily's good news. She has been wiggling her first loose tooth since July. Tonight, while rough-housing in the living room, she knocked it just enough that it came out. First came the tears (after she noticed a bit of blood) and the fear. Then, when a few minutes had passed...all was good and she is so very excited. So we have begun the road to adult teeth (gasp!!).</span></div><div><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">We also had a great time calling Nana on her birthday to wish her a happy day. Emily even had to do it on her own. She and Nana talk all the time! She likes the phone....I am in trouble! </span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"></span> </div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">Off to bed...we have a quiet weekend ahead. But, it will involve some boiled peanuts at the Peanut Festival! I am excited!</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">Good night all,</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">Love,</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;">Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison, and our angel baby Natalie</span> </div></div></div>Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-13314699304877927152009-10-04T23:13:00.006-04:002009-10-04T23:34:39.629-04:00Alie got her ears pierced!<div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388951465671278914" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sslmzl8oQUI/AAAAAAAAAXc/tq4B08kKKqg/s320/IMG_2774.jpg" /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SsllWpn2ysI/AAAAAAAAAXU/GZA3RcJk2EI/s1600-h/IMG_2757.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388949868930058946" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SsllWpn2ysI/AAAAAAAAAXU/GZA3RcJk2EI/s320/IMG_2757.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SsllWdLeHUI/AAAAAAAAAXM/LF-exjFtLUc/s1600-h/IMG_2761.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388949865589775682" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SsllWdLeHUI/AAAAAAAAAXM/LF-exjFtLUc/s320/IMG_2761.jpg" /></a><br /><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SsllVwcUudI/AAAAAAAAAXE/KC6OomsRV-g/s1600-h/IMG_2767.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388949853580868050" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SsllVwcUudI/AAAAAAAAAXE/KC6OomsRV-g/s320/IMG_2767.jpg" /></a> <div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sslk24h87gI/AAAAAAAAAW8/Y2i0Md3K35I/s1600-h/IMG_2768.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388949323176013314" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sslk24h87gI/AAAAAAAAAW8/Y2i0Md3K35I/s320/IMG_2768.jpg" /></a><br /><div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sslk2avnpsI/AAAAAAAAAW0/LQiuTGvA_ik/s1600-h/IMG_2772.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388949315180275394" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sslk2avnpsI/AAAAAAAAAW0/LQiuTGvA_ik/s320/IMG_2772.jpg" /></a><br /><div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sslk16ohETI/AAAAAAAAAWs/2rBHgZaV0xs/s1600-h/IMG_2773.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388949306560549170" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sslk16ohETI/AAAAAAAAAWs/2rBHgZaV0xs/s320/IMG_2773.jpg" /></a> Just a few pictures tonight. Bryan has been requesting them! But, the big news this week is that Alie's ears were pierced on Thursday. She did fabulous and did not cry a bit! I am so very proud.</div><div> </div><div>Emily and I had some mommy-daughter time last weekend at Color Me Mine. We both love to go painting and I thought it would be fun to sign up for "Tea for Two". We went with friends and had such a good time. The pictures are the before as Emily was practicing and our set after it had been fired. It is our new favorite thing to play. You are warned now...if you come here, you will probably have to have a least one cup of tea with Emily. It would make her day!</div><div> </div><div>Good night all,</div><div>Love,</div><div>Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie</div></div></div></div></div></div>Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-18500624378275447412009-10-01T23:06:00.000-04:002009-10-01T23:07:33.905-04:00I miss herOctober 1….a day that I dread really. It is the beginning of the month that my life changed forever. It did change in other months as well, February for our wedding and Emily’s birthday, August for Natalie and Alie’s birthday. But October is different. I became a mom who buried a child, a mom who fears for each moment of my children’s lives, hopes that they will be ok when I place them in another’s care. I became the woman who signs her babies up for swim lessons because there is no other option in her life right now. It is October. Grief is hard. Grief is overwhelming and debilitating. And October is a month of reminders. I miss her.<br /><br />From my recliner I can see Natalie’s Urn. It sits just to the left of the TV in the living room. We live in this room, play, laugh, even eat some. And she lives here with us too. It is as close as we get to having her here with us. I miss her.<br /><br />Today, I took Alie to the mall for Gymbucks at Gymboree (one of my favoritest things!) and I got her ears pierced. She looks so cute with them. Bryan called tonight (yeah!!!) and I told him. I think her was a bit upset that he was not there. But getting her ears pierced made her different from Natalie. We never took the time to get Natalie’s ears done. Thankfully, we never did it. We were able to donate her kidneys, heart valves and liver because we never got around to it. I miss her.<br /><br />There are so many things I am trying to do differently, just because so many things are the same as two years ago. But the biggest difference is that this time two years ago I was not missing my baby girl. My arms did not ache to hold Natalie. She was a vibrant, curious sweet little girl with strawberry blond hair and green eyes. She was very high maintenance, very needy, and so loveable. She was Natalie, perfect Natalie. She was here. I miss her.<br />Bryan is on deployment again. He is doing well. We get to talk about once a week. I know you all probably want to know more, but that is really all the info I have. I know this is hard on him, with so many similarities between the two years. I know he misses her.<br /><br />So begins October…I am loving on Emily and Allison. I am hugging them more, making sure to take time with each one individually. I am trying to not lose my patience. I am taking time to play in bed before we all get up. I am not pushing Alie to sleep in the crib. I love my cuddle time with my cuddlebug. And I love that Emily wants to snuggle all the time.<br /><br />So we are ok. We are getting up and doing what we have to each day. We are making it through. Emily, Allison and I are living the best we can while missing two very important people, Bryan and Natalie. Bryan will be home soon. I miss Natalie.<br /><br />Please pray for our family. Pray for safety for Bryan. Pray for patience for me. Pray for peace for all of us.<br /><br />I have a new verse that is helping me through. I came across it rather randomly but I think it was placed in my path for a reason.<br /><br />“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8<br />Good night all,<br />Love,<br />Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby NatalieHillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-6860340148475869422009-08-25T22:37:00.003-04:002009-08-25T23:25:09.839-04:00Is He enough?I have held onto a business card that is covered with scriptures that I find comfort in for the longest time. First, it was in my pocket. Then it migrated to my purse. It took up residence next to my reading corner on the table. Lastly, until it landed in my hand again, it was on my scrapbooking table. I have pondered writing about these and all they mean to me for so long. And the only thing I wrote on the card (other than the verse addresses) is the words, "Is He enough?"<br /><br />The day I started this card was a bad day. Today, I had a bad day. Just very off and moody. The girls were great. Alie even took 2 naps and Emily let me get some CM work done. But I am bitter right now and that bitterness was really seeping in to my mood. Perhaps because yesterday was the 24th. Perhaps because Alie's birthday is coming up and I will be celebrating this birthday in a similar way that we celebrated Natalie's 1st birthday. Perhaps it is because we just celebrated Natalie's birthday one week ago. Maybe it was all of these things that puut me into the muddy funk that I don't like.<br /><br />Tonight I was going to post about the birthday celebration of my sweet girl who should be three now. I was going to post this amazing picture (that alot of you have seen on my facebook pictures) and tell the story behind it. But I am going to change gears.<br /><br />I read a few other blogs. I have backed off from reading as many as I used to. I found that if I read my Bible, I was more uplifted. But there are a few that I still follow. Tonight, as I was reading one, I read of another family who has suffered a loss greater than ours. I do not know the story but they lost 2 year old boy/girl twins in a drowning accident. My heart led me to read the last entry on their blog (which has not been updated since), post a comment, and pray hard! But my heart also led me back to my card with scripture on it. I have found great comfort in these and I hope and pray that they find my blog and can find some peace within God's Word. It is the only place I have really found peace since losing Natalie. So, this evening, I give you my list. And my wish is that they touch you as they have touched me.<br /><br /><em>Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.<br />Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.</em> ~Galatians 6:1-5, MSG<br /><br /><em>When God made his promise to Abraham, he backed it to the hilt, putting his own reputation on the line. He said, "I promise that I'll bless you with everything I have—bless and bless and bless!" Abraham stuck it out and got everything that had been promised to him. When people make promises, they guarantee them by appeal to some authority above them so that if there is any question that they'll make good on the promise, the authority will back them up. When God wanted to guarantee his promises, he gave his word, a rock-solid guarantee—God can't break his word. And because his word cannot change, the promise is likewise unchangeable.<br />We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek.</em> ~Hebrews 6:18-20, MSG<br /><br /><em>Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.</em> ~Hebrews 11:1, NIV<br /><br /><em>The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field.There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look.He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum.But the fact is, it was our pains he carried— our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures.But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed.We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost. We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong, on him, on him.</em> ~Isaiah 53:2-6, MSG<br /><br /><em>All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God! Thank him to his face! He gets angry once in a while, but across a lifetime there is only love. The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter.</em> ~ Psalm 30:4-5, MSG<br /><br /><em>“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."</em> ~Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV<br /><br /><em>"I, I'm the One comforting you. What are you afraid of—or who?Some man or woman who'll soon be dead? Some poor wretch destined for dust?You've forgotten me, God, who made you, who unfurled the skies, who founded the earth.And here you are, quaking like an aspen before the tantrums of a tyrant who thinks he can kick down the world.But what will come of the tantrums? The victims will be released before you know it.They're not going to die. They're not even going to go hungry.For I am God, your very own God, who stirs up the sea and whips up the waves, named God-of-the-Angel-Armies.I teach you how to talk, word by word, and personally watch over you,Even while I'm unfurling the skies, setting earth on solid foundations, and greeting Zion: 'Welcome, my people!'"</em> ~Isaiah 51:16, MSG<br /><br />And of course, there is the one that I go to so often that I can recite it word for word....<br /><em>Jesus answered, "You don't understand now what I'm doing, but it will be clear enough to you later."</em> ~John 13:7<br /><em></em><br />Perhaps, if you meet someone who has experienced a loss so great, and you are comfortable with it, feel free to share with them our blog and our story. Hopefully our loss can help someone else.<br /><br />Good night all,<br />Love,<br />Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison, and especially our angel baby NatalieHillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-55335103307880015562009-08-17T23:16:00.001-04:002009-08-18T00:47:13.152-04:00"That Mom"<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SooyMn4e69I/AAAAAAAAAWE/lddb0yHYxJI/s1600-h/DSC03505.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371160698038447058" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SooyMn4e69I/AAAAAAAAAWE/lddb0yHYxJI/s320/DSC03505.JPG" /></a><br /><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SooxRMeWzLI/AAAAAAAAAV8/dUVcpiHVi6w/s1600-h/IMG_3643(rev+0).jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371159677068823730" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SooxRMeWzLI/AAAAAAAAAV8/dUVcpiHVi6w/s320/IMG_3643(rev+0).jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SooxQW9b11I/AAAAAAAAAV0/J7cUFDyylxg/s1600-h/IMG_3649(rev+0).jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371159662703662930" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SooxQW9b11I/AAAAAAAAAV0/J7cUFDyylxg/s320/IMG_3649(rev+0).jpg" /></a><br /><div><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SooxPTftErI/AAAAAAAAAVk/6DKMAeAcl1g/s1600-h/PA080150.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 221px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371159644593787570" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SooxPTftErI/AAAAAAAAAVk/6DKMAeAcl1g/s320/PA080150.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div>I am that mom...the one whose babies are wearing hand-me-downs that may have a faint stain or two on them. My children may have a bit of crusty snot on the end of their nose. They may even be wearing clothes that don't match because they are so proud of picking out their own outfit. They might make the biggest mess in the restaurant, so much so that I have to leave a bigger tip. They could begin to screaming in the middle of the store because I would not buy the one toy "that is her favoritest and she has always wanted for her whole life". </div><br /><br /><div>I certainly do not have it all together. There are many days that I am lucky to just get a shower. And those are the days that I realize that I am "that mom." You know the one...you feel sorry for her in the grocery store. You hope that her kids will take a nap just so she can have some peace for 5 minutes.</div><br /><br /><div>But, I am also "that mom". This one is the mom who you tiptoe around hoping to not upset. This mom is sad and hurt and upset and puts on that happy face just to make other less uncomfortable around her. This is the mom who wonders who else around her has walked the road she is on now. This mom wants to be normal, like the other moms she knows, but knows that will never happen. This mom never wanted to be in this group, and tries daily to figure out just how she ended up there.</div><br /><br /><div>Today is Natalie's third birthday. Last year it did not seem quite as hard as it is now. Perhaps it was because Alie was days away from her arrival and we were still in shock. I think that has finally worn off and now it is just the insurmountable grief and heartache that encompasses us. I still can't figure out why. I think that question will remain on my heart and the tip of my tongue until I see Nat again. Two years ago we were starting on an incredible journey, one that we never could have imagined or picked. But it is one we now stare head-on and know we have to face. Two years ago I was not sleeping because I was just so excited to meet our second baby girl. Now, I am not sleeping because I miss my second baby girl immensely.</div><br /><br /><div>We will be celebrating Natalie's thrid birthday with an evening with our close friends. We are going to go to Red Robin for dinner, the perfect place to take children and one that I know Nat would love as much as Emily does. Then we will head to the store and get some Happy Birthday balloons. Finally, we will all head back here, decorate the balloons with my extensive collection of Sharpies (random, I know) and send them up to her with all the kisses we can plant on those balloons. We are going to have cupcakes and sing happy birthday. We are going to do all those things we would do with her here, but we have to do it without her. One day I will get to celebrate her birthday again....one day.</div><br /><br /><div>Sweet baby girl, we miss you so very much and wish that you were here with us. I know you are having a ball there. Have a great time celebrating with all your friends in heaven, just as we will celebrate with your friends here on earth. Love you so much, Boogsie....all the way to heaven and back. Love, Mommy</div></div></div></div></div>Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-71784106127570018392009-07-24T00:18:00.003-04:002009-07-24T00:54:15.980-04:00I am back...I am having a hard time again. I think I write more when it gets harder. I am not too sure if that is good or bad, but for now...<br /><br />It has been busy. Full of memories, good and bad. We went to the cabin as we do each summer. This was Alie and Anna Kathryn's first trip there. We did all the things we love to do there, swing on the porch in early morning, wade in the creek, check out what the cows are up to and moo at them, pick blackberries, eat lots of comfort food, and make a trip to Babyland General to watch a new Cabbage Patch baby's birth. It was wonderfully fun and so bittersweet. We were missing Natalie. Her picture is still on the fridge. I can still see her beautiful smile as she played on the swing on the river porch. I was reminded of our visit to Babyland General and watching Natalie crawl around the babies. She was so happy at the cabin. I am always so happy at the cabin.<br /><br />Alie has gotten her first tooth and begun walking in the last 2 weeks. Thankfully that tooth came through...it was rough. She really is a snaggletooth baby though. Her first tooth was her top front right one! So odd...but so cute! And I love the toddle of a new walker, the way she moves her legs and is so happy with her accomplishment. She is an absolute joy and I am enjoying watching her grow. But... (there is always a but right?) she looks so much like Nat now. She has so many of the same mannerisms. I love the reminders, but the bittersweetness is hard for me.<br /><br />Tonight was girls night out. My friends Jenna, Carmen and Erin went to the movies with me to see My Sister's Keeper. I read this book before Natalie's accident and really thought I would be ok. Boy was I wrong! I cried through the whole thing. It was just another reminder of all the things that Natalie won't experience and we won't have with her. <br /><br />So, I am asking for prayers. I am in need of guidance, encouragement and love right now. We are all struggling with Natalie's death right now. We are preparing for Bryan's next deployment. Emily starts kindergarten this fall and I am worried that she will not be cared for emotionally. I have less control then and it is hard to give that up. <br /><br />I will add that I am leading a bible study tomorrow (really it is this morning) on Living beyond your Circumstances. Please keep me and the ladies attending in your hearts and prayers as we share and wade through this difficult topic. <br /><br />My family and friends are all asleep so I must go as well. I am sorry to be absent from blogging for so long...hopefully I can get back into this. It will help me, and hopefully help you as well.<br /><br />Good night all,<br />Love,<br />Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and our angel baby NatalieHillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-42657567783047488622009-06-09T21:17:00.005-04:002009-06-09T22:05:05.383-04:00Allison's Day<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Si8RDPPqwBI/AAAAAAAAAVM/XS_lub5sq9s/s1600-h/2009-06-05-159.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345510030041595922" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 229px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Si8RDPPqwBI/AAAAAAAAAVM/XS_lub5sq9s/s320/2009-06-05-159.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>I know that I should have posted this about, oh, 3 weeks ago. It has just been that weird here. I have been in a weird place but want out of it! So I am starting here.</div><div></div><div><br /></div><div>Over Memorial Day weekend, we had a slew of friends and family in town. I really do mean a slew... Alie was baptized that Sunday morning. It was a glorious morning! I, of course, was a bit frazzled and hoping everything went perfectly! My parents came up...and Daddy baptized his fourth grandbaby. What a blessing! My <a href="http://www.blogger.com/www.snickerdoodleand%20the%20crab.blogspot.com">sister</a>, brother-in-law and my most adorable niece Anna Kathryn came as well. I was so glad to have them here. But the best part....my bestest friend from my childhood, the chick that knows it all about me and loves me no matter what and I her, came as well!!! I was so elated to find out Keli was coming, then even more excited when I realized she would be here all weekend! Plus, our friends from Northern Virginia were here and all of my fabulous friends that have supported and lifted us during the last 19 months. I could not have asked for a better day. I had three pews full of people I love...it was bliss!</div><div align="center"><br />Allison, me, Emily, and Keli</div><div align="center"></div><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345510022617831330" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Si8RCzltF6I/AAAAAAAAAVE/1SEZ0xJwwKU/s320/2009-06-05-195.jpg" border="0" /><br /><div align="center">Our family</div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345510035606118290" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 283px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Si8RDj-Wn5I/AAAAAAAAAVc/tdfQ6fZMFNU/s320/2009-06-05-162.jpg" border="0" /><br /><div>Baptisms are hard. I have not denied that fact. I was so nervous. And I am not normally nervous in church. I almost lost it at one point...I came close. But I took a nice deep breath and managed to save my mascara. It was perfect. My joy overflowed as my father walked my daughters around the sanctuary as the congregation sang, " Allison Hope, God Claim You; God helps you, protects you and loves you too!" She is a child of God. She is a child that I have prayed for. She is an answered prayer. She is beautiful. And she is adored by all of us. This was a day for me to remember my commitment to my Lord, my faith and my walk with Him. But it really was her day. It is the beginning of an amazing walk for Allison. I cannot wait to see where He leads her.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center">Alie and her godparents, Corey, Erin and Sean</div><div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5345510030551390546" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 238px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Si8RDRJNmVI/AAAAAAAAAVU/B-HpDTn-JLU/s320/2009-06-05-187.jpg" border="0" /></div><br /><br /><br /><p><span style="font-family:verdana;">"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there. ~</span><span style="font-family:Verdana;">1 Samuel 1:27-28 </span></p><p>Good night all...</p><p>Love,</p><p>Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie</p>Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-22431860274398920802009-06-01T00:08:00.003-04:002009-06-01T00:20:48.461-04:00I am the clay<div><div><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SiNWUY9bvaI/AAAAAAAAAUs/vpuwFIcMIDM/s1600-h/IMG_1008.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342208491289034146" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 248px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SiNWUY9bvaI/AAAAAAAAAUs/vpuwFIcMIDM/s320/IMG_1008.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="font-family:arial;">So many good things…so many hard things. Today was one of those hard days. We were visiting the church of our good friends and attending the baptism of their sons. Baptisms are so very hard for me. It was beautiful sacrament. I had never witnessed a Catholic baptism before. I was doing my best to hold myself together and enjoy all that was promised by these parents. There were 5 children baptized today. As the Deacon was calling each name and baptizing the children, it hit me. The first child, a sweet, blond girl, is named Natalie. She was a little older than Natalie was when she was baptized. That was it for me. I focused on my girls and the boys that I was there for. I made it through, even took a few pictures for the family. I left the sanctuary and found a quiet corner. I hugged on Alie and let myself cry. It never stops. There is always the reminder, no matter what we are doing. After the sacrament and lunch with our friends, we ran up to the outlet malls just to look for a minute. We were very good, purchasing only 1 pair of sneakers for Emily. Of course, the GPS who I have affectionately named Lola brought us home near the park where our last family pictures were taken with Natalie. Shortly after we arrived home, Emily informed Bryan and me that she wanted to send her balloon to Natalie. Every time a balloon gets away outside we talk about how Natalie will get the balloon in heaven and get to enjoy it just as she has here. Today, she wanted to write on the balloon and tell Nat Nat that she loves her. I got out the sharpie and we all wrote messages to our girl then headed outside to send her the balloon. It was so very sweet, sad, perfect and perfectly difficult. Of course, we had the camera out. I never go anywhere without my camera! Yet another moment to remember…yet another moment that I wish had never happened. </span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /> </div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342208495204915922" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 168px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SiNWUnjDWtI/AAAAAAAAAU0/aupwpGSba-4/s320/IMG_1018.JPG" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342208500163385330" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 246px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SiNWU6BPl_I/AAAAAAAAAU8/WuOsIj6_aLo/s320/IMG_1036.JPG" border="0" /><br />I have had a few bad weeks. I honestly think I have been in a state of shock for about 18 months. Once month 19 started, I got mad. Angry, hurt, confused, I am hot! How could this happen? Why me, why us? Why? Just plain and simple…why? It seems as though everything that happens now can be traced back to Natalie’s accident. If Nat’s accident had not happened, then ________ would have. If she was still here, then _______. It is a big fill-in-the-blank puzzle. Each piece builds on how this has affected our lives. It has affected how I approach new situations like kindergarten for Emily. It has affected activities I allow my children to participate in. It has affected Bryan’s job and advancement opportunities. It has affected every aspect of our lives. There are good things that have come from this. We have Alie. Our marriage is strong, solid and alive. But the negative impact from this just keeps resurfacing. And I have found that I am angry. I think I have suppressed it so long that this has no where to go but out. So here it is.<br /><br />But I am hoping that from this will come some shaping of my soul. I know that I am like clay and God is molding me with every turn. The potter is in control and He is pushing on me to form me just as He wants. I know it is softening my heart and helping me heal. There is growth for me in this turmoil.<br /><br />“Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.”<br />~Isaiah 64:8<br /><br />Good night all,<br />Love,<br />Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and especially our angel baby Nat-Nat who is so incredibly missed today and always</span></div></div>Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-78172394220389210222009-05-10T23:31:00.005-04:002009-05-11T00:35:52.702-04:00Bittersweetness<div><div><div><div>Here I sit...my family all sleeping soundly in the other room. I am alone with my thoughts again, trying to figure out just what they mean and how to wade through them. Lots of stuff happened this week and I am going to post on those tomorrow. We have a busy day ahead of us and I know the chicks will go to bed early.</div><div> </div><div>My family has loved on me today. I loved every moment of it. I woke to Alie chatting with me in bed. Then, as I was getting out of the shower, Emily attacked me with gifts...a homemade tulip that she made at school, and card, and a new bible. Move over Dad, Bryan is taking over with the bible giving. But seriously, it is the Women of Faith Study Bible and I cannot wait to really crack it open! I have already looked up lots of my favorites, because I love reading those scriptures that lift me up. What a wonderful gift...but the best of all was that Bryan completely cleaned the kitchen! It is spotless and I LOVE IT!!!<br /></div><div>We went to church today. I thought it was interesting that Pastor Dave used a scripture from John detailing when Jesus was crucified. It looks at that moment from the mother's point of view. a few months back, I wrote a lenten devotional for my father's church on this very passage. It was a fabulous sermon. Of course, I got choked up when he began talking about the grieving moms. There I was, rocking a sleeping Alie in the narthex, listening to the chatter from children's church down the hall, and crying over the daughter that I was not able to hold and hug and celebrate today. So bittersweet...<br /></div><div>I often wish that I had a grave to visit. Something tangable that could be special for us. We have Natalie's urn here at the house. I visit with her everyday. But I can't (I suppose I really could...) put flowers on it or release balloons here. Seems like it would be not quite as meaningfu, with less symbolism. I am glad that she is here with us. As a military family, we never know when we may have to move. So, until we are settled, we need to be able to be close to her. And we are unsure of where we will retire to. Not burying her was the best way. But, I get my nights, when the family is asleep to talk with her, tell her how much I miss her, how much I love her and how I cannot wait to get to heaven to see her again. That will be a wonderful day. Then I tell her about Alie and how much she reminds me of her. Talk about bittersweet...<br /></div><br /><div>I have celebrated Mother's Day for five years now. And I have three gorgeous girls to be so very proud of. I can hold two of them, love on them, kiss them, and cuddle them. And I have one that I have to remember kisses and hugs. You know, Natalie used to turn her head so you could kiss on her cheek when you asked for kisses from her. I loved that. I miss that terribly! I miss her desperately. She was so very kissable. All three of my girls are...</div><br /><div></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334420073184054626" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SgeqyyjZTWI/AAAAAAAAAUk/4ZahL77EUBk/s320/vacation+0907.jpg" border="0" /><br /><div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334417943310261026" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sgeo20J6WyI/AAAAAAAAAUU/qDZw4O67uTE/s320/PA080173.JPG" border="0" /></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334417949451728194" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sgeo3LCJtUI/AAAAAAAAAUc/uywHx4czTl4/s320/JR+Newborn+Alie+(39).jpg" border="0" /><br /><br /><div>I am off to snuggle with my snugglebug Alie. And I am off to cuddle with my amazing husband. I am so thankful for him everyday. And I am so very thankful that he and I get to celebrate our three daughters together everyday.</div><br /><br /><div>Good night all.</div><br /><div>Love,</div><br /><div>Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie</div></div></div></div>Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-1349957445968917852009-04-29T00:43:00.002-04:002009-04-29T00:46:16.644-04:00Eighteen long months...<span style="font-family:arial;">Eighteen months ago, I watched my baby leave her earthy body.<br />Eighteen months ago, Bryan and I made a commitment to really work on our marriage so we would survive Natalie’s death.<br />Eighteen months ago, I became a stay-at-home-mom.<br />Eighteen months ago, I had to learn how to be honest yet sensitive with our 3 year old who was trying to figure out just what happened to her sister.<br />Eighteen months ago, our families (about 30 people or so) converged on our home to carry our family…and we barely fit inside.<br />Eighteen months ago, I stopped nursing Natalie.<br />Eighteen months ago, my bible returned to my bedside table.<br />Eighteen months ago, I questioned all that I believe.<br />Eighteen months ago, I thought I had lost all hope.<br />Eighteen months ago, my heart was so heavy that I could barely breathe or walk or shower.<br /><br /><em>What does grief look like eighteen months after you kiss your daughter goodbye? It looks like me.</em> </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I am torn. I am sad. I am hurting. I am confused. I am scared. I am lost. I question so much of what I believe. I question my faith. I question God’s love. I question where my life is going. I question all that was solid before October 24, 2007. But, He reassures me that His grace is perfect. I am not but He is. And He is working in me.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I like to shut off. I will admit it…when I don’t know how to react or respond I just shut off. I hide. I want to stay in bed. I do all that I can to keep the kids going while avoiding taking care of me. I avoid the phone. I ignore my animals. I stop blogging even though I still want to and my mind is racing a million miles a minute. I don’t ask for help. I want to avoid the feelings, avoid dealing with what happened. I almost get to the place where I think that if I ignore it, it will go away. I feel as though I am damaged, unworthy, hopeless. But, when I get to that place, that still small voice surrounds me, catches my tears, and reminds me that I am loved. He reminds me that His hands are carrying me and that his yoke is uncomplicated. And then I feel His peace around me and I can face my grief and know that no matter how difficult it feels, I am in His grasp. And I am His child.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I prefer only safe things. I have a hard time with baptisms. I sometimes leave the sanctuary for those, so that I will not break down and loudly blubber during someone elses’ amazing wonderful moment. I just don’t want to ruin it. I am unsure when I get near children that I have not been around much in the last 18 months. I bow my head and avoid eye contact when I get to those places. I do have those strangely uncomfortable moments even in places that I think are safe. At Emily’s ballet studio, I felt a panic rise in me for the last 2 Mondays. Not because I don’t feel safe there, but because Natalie would be starting Kinderdance class in the fall. And she would be playing with one of my favoritest (is that a word?) girls who is just her age. They would be dressing up, playing so sweetly and going through the terrible twos together. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">That’s me…simple, straight forward honesty of how I feel. I have bad days. I have horrible days. But I also have smiles, cuddle time with my sunshine Emily, ‘nuggle time with my nuggey Alie, and belly laughs with both girls. There is a twinkle in Emily’s eye again, proving that she is working through it. Alie is blissfully unaware of the past. And Bryan and I are wading through the messy world of grief, together. I am so very happy to have him home. He most definitely is my rock. Now if I can just get back in the habit of journing and getting to the gym, things could be back to “normal”.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">As soon as my computer is working better, I will get some new pictures up. Yes, it is still crashing on me. We have a hectic month during May. Alie will be having surgery to open her tear duct on her left eye. I am very aprehensive and scared. But I know it is what she needs done. And Bryan will be gone most of that week. Thankfully, my parents are coming a bit early (before Alie’s baptism) to help with Emily while I take care of Alie, and calm myself down. Alie will be baptized at our church on May 24th. We are going to have a gaggle of family and friends with us…and we would love to have you share in this important moment for Allison and reaffirmation of faith for Bryan and me. It is also such a beautiful moment when a grandpa has the honor of baptizing his fourth granddaughter.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I will do my best to not stay away so long anymore…really it doesn’t do me any good. Journaling helps me heal. So when I don’t journal, I get depressed. And I do love to share my beautiful children with you all.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">It is now almost 1am and I need to join my sleeping family. Thank you for praying for us and checking on us. We yearn for each prayer and are grateful for all your support.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Good night all…off to dream of my three girls.<br />Love,<br />Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie and Allison</span>Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-40217118992009025842009-04-27T21:50:00.003-04:002009-04-27T21:55:03.546-04:00Busy girls...and boy!I have been absent. I have been stressed out. I have been busy with the girls. I have been busy grieving my sweet Natalie. I have been preparing for Bryan's homecoming. But I am ok.<br /><br />Seriously, it has been crazy! Lots of things going on. Bryan is now home and tomorrow is his last day of leave. We have been enjoying family time and the girls are just eating him up! Alie is so on the move now. Emily is so busy with ballet, swimming, golf lessons (starting in May) and school winding down. I am trying (still!) to fix my computer. I am trying to get back into the swing of CM. I am breathing huge sighs of relief now that the love of my life is back in my arms again.<br /><br />So...more to come tomorrow...<br /><br />I PROMISE!!!!<br /><br />Goodnight all,<br />Love,<br />Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natale, and AllisonHillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-24551025621529306342009-03-02T23:18:00.006-05:002009-03-02T23:33:13.442-05:00What we have been up to....<div><div><div><div><div><div><div><div><div>I promise a post with words soon. Life is crazy here. From Dora Live, to a trip out of town, Emily's 5th birthday, my purse (and everything in it!) getting stolen at the mall, snow, and preparations to head to Florida for a new license...we have been busy! So here is a glimpse of what has gone on....</div><div align="center">Dora Live!<img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5308812194633168434" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SaywkFBfNjI/AAAAAAAAATc/Rm5nggGD2Z0/s320/IMG_9808.jpg" border="0" /></div><div align="center">Valentine's Day from my honey...</div><div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5308811839057796866" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 214px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SaywPYZtnwI/AAAAAAAAATU/LB3wvKoVK74/s320/IMG_9740.jpg" border="0" /></div><div align="center">Happy Birthday Emily!! I cannot believe she is 5!</div><div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5308812201408951410" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SaywkeQ9dHI/AAAAAAAAATk/ldqiunk7nVI/s320/IMG_9851.jpg" border="0" /></div><div align="center">You can't have a birthday without everyone getting a taste of the cake...Alie loves icing!</div><div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5308812200937422674" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 214px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Saywkcgif1I/AAAAAAAAATs/cmc3yI8eX84/s320/IMG_9856.jpg" border="0" /></div><div align="center">Big day ending so sweetly</div><div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5308812611051166706" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 214px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sayw8UTRm_I/AAAAAAAAAT0/Tgj9O3hYU4o/s320/IMG_9982.jpg" border="0" /></div><div> </div><div align="center">Nana was here for the snow today. This was Alie's first snow and the first snow that Emily remembers and has gotten to play in.</div><div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5308812618170347698" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sayw8u0nsLI/AAAAAAAAAT8/DB_JU3M44Mw/s320/IMG_9987.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5308812619031883170" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/Sayw8yCBraI/AAAAAAAAAUE/0E2NB3H8KDA/s320/IMG_9994.jpg" border="0" /></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><br /><p align="center">My snow angel making a snow angel</p><p><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5308811828153873714" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SaywOvyA9TI/AAAAAAAAATE/J_NBDhcyv0g/s320/IMG_0004.jpg" border="0" /></p><p align="center">I really wanted to title this picture, "Snow flakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes" but we did not get enough snow. It was still flurrying (is that a word even?) when I took this. Emily was desperate to catch the snow on her tongue.<img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5308811836328888930" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 214px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SaywPOPFymI/AAAAAAAAATM/pMKrbghxSkI/s320/IMG_0020.jpg" border="0" /></p><p>til later....</p>Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-22571014835969310652009-02-12T21:19:00.004-05:002009-02-12T21:29:36.351-05:00Busy GirlsOh my…what a busy couple of weeks. February has already kept us running. I have been looking for the moment to sit down and write. But it never seems to be there, the extra moment. So, I am taking the moments after I finished dishes and before I fold laundry (while Alie is napping of course) to fill you in what is going on with us. First, we are all good. Other than the cold that seems to be plaguing everyone we know, we are healthy. Emily is busy with school, ballet, swim lessons, and Yoga class. Alie is busy learning all kinds of things like sticking her tongue out, crawling on all fours, mastering the art of eating off a spoon, avoiding nap time, melting my heart, and cuddling so warmly at night. I am learning how to survive without Bryan to help me. So far…so good. <div><div><div><div><div><div><div><div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5302101322145788514" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 214px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SZTZD42g8mI/AAAAAAAAAR8/Ag5KPGpO5_g/s320/dec08-feb09-508.jpg" border="0" /><br />Last weekend, I had my semi-annual CM weekend away. We were at the beach for the entire weekend, babysitter in tow. I can tell you, without a doubt, I would not have survived without Renee, the sitter. The girls were so happy and good. I did not worry a bit. She had it all under control, even better than I usually do! And the girls that were at the weekend away had a great time. We all got a lot done in our albums. We were all exhausted when we got home and have spent the last several days recovering from it. </div><div><br />This week has been a bit less hectic and we have enjoyed our lighter schedule. We have had some nice weather as well and were able to go outside and play a bit. Of course, when you are 4, all you want to do is go outside or to a park. So we did that…<br /></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5302101332531392002" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SZTZEfiorgI/AAAAAAAAASM/aEcowlCj-mw/s320/dec08-feb09-519.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5302101624765450226" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SZTZVgMqh_I/AAAAAAAAASU/I3mBA7lkexg/s320/dec08-feb09-520.jpg" border="0" /></div><div align="center">And it is so much more fun with friends!!</div><div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5302101632266789794" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SZTZV8JH46I/AAAAAAAAASc/Znf-FQ6fbsM/s320/dec08-feb09-533.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5302101913699951890" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SZTZmUkBJRI/AAAAAAAAASs/JSjMrRfJHX4/s320/dec08-feb09-541.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5302101629766971778" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SZTZVy1HsYI/AAAAAAAAASk/1V7pGrUQ__M/s320/dec08-feb09-536.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5302101922970228626" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SZTZm3GOV5I/AAAAAAAAAS8/0z8d_z6RohQ/s320/dec08-feb09-551.jpg" border="0" /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5302101918000811522" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SZTZmklbDgI/AAAAAAAAAS0/OzawgGsqHK4/s320/dec08-feb09-549.jpg" border="0" /><br /><br />Aren’t the girls getting so big? Tonight, I was looking at some video of Emily and Natalie. We don’t have much, but what we do have makes me smile. But Emily was about 3 in the video and just so cute! She even said, “did I really sound like that?” I responded, “Yes…and you still do!” It really made me realize just how much Emily is growing up. This week, I booked her 5th birthday party. That made me feel like it has gone by so quickly. She also had her class Valentine’s party and was sad that “boy Alex” was not there…he is at Disney this week. But I assured her that he would be back next week and she seemed ok with that. <div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5302101324494536322" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ksp5XHJeobg/SZTZEBmf_oI/AAAAAAAAASE/NxggCf_Ormw/s320/dec08-feb09-510.jpg" border="0" /><br />Overall, we are good. We are counting the weeks since Bryan left, knowing that with each one we are closer to our family being reunited. No countdown to return yet…as we don’t have a date.</div><div><br />Good night all,<br />Love,<br />Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie and Allison<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></div><div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-52035867661801131372009-02-05T18:03:00.002-05:002009-02-05T18:05:40.353-05:00I need your help...My computer is having problems. I don't really know much about computers. And Bryan normally fixes it for me. I think I have either gotten a virus or my hard drive is about to go... But I don't know how to tell which it is.<br /><br />Can you help me or do you know someone who could? Shoot me an email at <a href="mailto:hillarybwest@aol.com">hillarybwest@aol.com</a> or leave a comment here if you can! Thanks!!Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4317264330756063791.post-44628640947382546842009-02-05T09:16:00.000-05:002009-02-05T09:16:04.258-05:00A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffeeA carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...<br />A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.<br /><br />Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.''Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.<br /><br />The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.<br /><br />'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?<br /><br />Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?<br /><br />The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117512990680123927noreply@blogger.com0