Looking Up in the Downpour

Changes are coming...

2011-09-15T06:20:00.001-04:00

Lots has taken place since my last post....In order to condense it so you are not reading for the next year, I am picking pictures to tell the story. These pictures show some of the big things before the big move. :)

Emily and Singleton, her BFF from preschool!

Alie's silly face...makes me smile.

Hurricane Irene coming to Chesapeake!

Alie practicing her songs...because there is nothing else to do in during the storm with no electricity!

Splashing in puddles between Hurricane Irene squalls

Alie splashing in the puddles...she was soaked but had so much fun!!

Alie's birthday dinner... Plaza Azteca! We had no power so
I decided we would go out!

Alie and her birthday cake....Tinkerbell for our Tinker!

Blowing out her candle....I am three now!
Even without power we celebrated!

More to come...had to stop to let blogger not mess up. It is not working quite right...as you can tell from the unevenness of the pictures.

Love,
Hillary

hello world...

2011-08-11T21:07:00.005-04:00

I need to blog. I have spent the day crying on and off. And I need my outlet. It is here. This is one of the places that I can be authentically me, not holding back and letting it all go.

Let me start with the update. It has been so long that there is so much that has happened. For my sweet friends who see me on Facebook all the time, bear with me here. This will be redundant for you...but pivotal to bring me back up to date.

Bryan has deployed since my last post. And he made it home safely. I am so grateful for him. Along those lines, we have received orders to his next duty station. We are going to Stuttgart, Germany for the next 3 years. Long time but so short too. We are going to really enjoy our time there. We are planning lots of sightseeing (yes, I am my father's traveling daughter!) and plenty of trips to those places I have only dreamed of until now. The packers come in 19 days and we fly out in 26 days. I am nervous. I will admit that. And I know that the first few weeks and months will be hard. But we will get through that and I am sure we will thoroughly enjoy our time in Europe once we get through the initial shock of it all.

The girls are thriving. Emily has finished the 1st grade and is excited to begin school once we arrive in Germany. She is spunky, imaginative, sassy, and beautiful. I am so proud of her. She was so excited this week when she passed her swim test at the YMCA. She can now be in the pool without one of us with her. Wow....not sure I am quite ready for it. But I let her go down the big slides and she was ecstatic! I find myself needing to let go and let her grow, even when I am praying through every moment of it.

Allison is almost 3 and we can tell! She is full of questions, personality and temper tantrums! She won't take a nap but needs it still. And if she does take a nap, she is up late! I don't really know which is worse.

Natalie, our sweet angel, is missed by the bucketfuls. I long for her in places of my heart that I did not think were there. It takes my breath away most of the time still. Emily talks about her all the time and Allison has even begun talking about her "big siter Natalie". Alie knows her pictures and asks when they can play together. Breaks my heart on a daily basis. Natalie's birthday is this coming Thursday and we will be celebrating every moment we had with her. We will start with donuts and coffee to the PICU at NMCP. That evening,we will celebrate her with our closest friends here. There will be food, cake, ice cream and balloons sent to her telling our girl just how much we love her, miss her and are thankful for every second we spent together.

Can you believe she would be 5 years old this year?!? It feels like she was born just yesterday and it also feels like more than a lifetime. I am not sure which is worse. I miss her with every ounce of me, every breath I take and every step. She is my first thought when I wake and my last before I fall asleep. Her pictures are in every room of our home. I miss her so desperately.

I am hanging in. I have begun looking at when and where I will complete my Bachelor's degree and move onto my PharmD. I miss the pharmacy. I miss the challenge of it all. I miss my career. I need to be home with the girls now. But I also need to begin back on my journey so that I can be me, the pharmacy girl, again. I am staying in women's bible study groups as much as I can to learn more about Jesus and the heaven I will be joining my sweet girl in. The girls keep me busy and on my toes. And I enjoy this time with them. They are growing so fast. I am grateful that I am able to be home now and see all these lovely stages. I mean that, really!

So as we begin on this journey to Europe, I am going to begin blogging again. It will be for me to get out what I am thinking and how I feel. It will be to update our family and friends on where we are, what we are doing and how much fun we can have there. It will be an online diary for the girls to remember our time in Germany. I have debated starting a new blog. But this is home. We are still looking up, looking for guidance, looking to the One who can heal our broken hearts. There is still a downpour....it will slow but I know this rain is here to stay. Thankfully we have an umbrella, One who holds each tear we cry and wipes our cheeks with His love and mercy.

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. ~1 Chronicles 16:11

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. ~Psalm 30:5

All my love,

Hillary

Three Years...

2010-10-24T22:30:00.004-04:00

My sweet baby Natalie,

Oh, how I miss you. I miss your smell. I miss your smile. I miss your cuddles. I miss your energy. I miss your curiosity. I miss your spunk. I miss the way you put your arms behind you like you were taking flight even though you were just walking. I miss your love of mac and cheese and chicken nuggets. I miss how you and Emily played together. I miss every inch of you, every moment that we did not get together, every milestone and holiday that we lost. You are never far from my thoughts. You are my first thought in the morning along with Emily and Allison. You are my last thought at night. You and your sisters make my heart smile and cry all at the same time.

Three years ago I sat by your bed. I begged you to open your eyes, to tell me you love me just once. I held your hand, rubbed your legs, brushed your hair. I brought stuffed animals to keep you company and pictures to show you were full of life. I told stories about you to anyone that would listen. I pumped milk so that you could still nurse when you woke up. And I prayed. I prayed more than any other time in my life. I prayed that God would give you back to me. What I learned that day was that I am not in control. He is. And He held you and me both that night while I waited. Waited for miracles. Waited for answers. Waited for anything.

I would love one more day with you, boogs. I would love a lifetime more with you. But I am so very proud to be your mom. I am so thankful for the 14 months and 12 days that I physically held you in my arms, the 39 weeks I carried you in my womb, and the lifetime that I get to spend telling others just how fantastic you were.

Three years....feels like forever since I held you. Three years...seems like it should be so short in the grand scheme of things. Three years. I do not know how I have gotten this far. And I don't know how I will go another three years. But I do know that everyday is one day closer to you, one day closer to heaven. And everyday I will choose to remember, choose to love, choose to fight. I will do all I can to keep your sisters and your Daddy safe. And I will look forward to the day that I see you again.

I love you so much. I ache for you all the time. I am desperate to hold on to what I have of you here. You are missed more than you could ever imagine. You will always be my Natalie, my boogsie, my little ladybug. You will always be a part of my day, a part of my thoughts, and a part of my heart.

I love you sweet girl!

I miss you most...

Love,

Mommy

Fearless...Fear Less

2010-07-14T16:15:00.008-04:00

I used to be fearless. I used to be invincible. I used to be footloose and fancy free! I used to not worry. My only fear was that the house was going to catch fire and I would lose my pictures. That was it. I was not scared of anything. Then the worst happened. And my fearlessness turned to daily terror. Fear of erasing pictures that I cannot get back, fear of car accidents, fear of the house burning down and not getting Natalie's urn or albums out. Fear of swimming, fear of playing somewhere that we are unfamiliar with, fear of burying another child, fear of having my heart broken again.

Fear tends to grip me when things are not working right. It has been that way for the last few weeks. Car repairs, demanding toddlers (both of them) and general exhaustion has definitely contributed to the fear and anxiety I have been feeling.

This weekend, we came down to Florida for a visit with my family. We saw Kimberly and Mark a few weeks ago over Fourth of July weekend. So it was definitely time to see my parents and grandparents.

We all were invited over to dinner at the home of my parent's good friends, the Thomases. I was fine with it....until Dad said that they have a pool. Let me preface this by saying that we have not ventured into any backyard and only two homes that have backyard pools since before Natalie's accident. I do not go there. I do not like them. I do not want to be near them. Not since Natalie's death. Too hard...too much imagination to want to go there much less the chance of another child falling in and getting hurt. I very reluctantly said ok to going, not because I did not think we would enjoy ourselves, but simply because I knew that Emily would want to swim and I was going to have to face my fear head on. But, with me in the pool with both girls, Emily in her vest, and four other adults watching all of us, I decided that I would have to go there sometime and this would be it.

We went. We swam. We had a good time. I was not fearless. But I did fear less. I don't have to be fearless. I won't be. But I can fear less so that my babies can enjoy something they love so much, swimming. Allison will be in swim lessons for the first time as soon as we get home. And Emily will be back in them so she can be the best swimmer and the safest swimmer she can be.

I do love swimming. I always have. I want my girls to love it too. I don't want them to be fearless...there is a potential for something to go wrong. But between my fearful soul and their fearless inhibitions, I am going to fear less.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. ~Isaiah 41:13 NIV

Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I am not letting go. I am telling you, 'Don't panic. I'm right here to help you.' ~Isaiah 41:13 The Message

When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.~Proverbs 3:24

Good night all!

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our sweet angel Natalie

Testing... one two three

2010-05-20T23:56:00.003-04:00

I am having difficulties, technical ones. I write all my posts, both published and unpublished, on my hard drive first. Then I copy and paste into blogger and caringbridge for the world to see. I can't get it to copy and paste tonight...any suggestions???

I am not feeling mechanically inclined right now!

Meanwhile...until I figure out what to do, you can catch my ramblings on the caringbridge site, www.caringbridge.org/visit/nataliebrooke

Until later...
Hillary

Easter pics

2010-04-05T09:48:00.011-04:00

Easter has been good, hectic, sad, joyous, calming, reflective, and cute! We went to the mall on Saturday night (cause it makes the most sense to wait until the last minute...right?!?!) to see the easter bunny. Bunny took a break so we waited 1.5 hours for the photo we all have to have. Bummer. But I got a few cute pics while waiting for the bunny to finish his dinner of carrots. :)

Of course, Alie was not really happy with a large bunny holding on to her. So she stood in front. I thought it was a good compromise!

Sunday was busy with church, lunch, cleaning the backyard a bit, easter egg hunt and grilling dinner. We always purchase a flower from the church in memory of Natalie from all of us. Emily picks which one and she chose a pink hydrangea. Now I have to figure out how to take care of this plant too! But it is beautiful and a good reminder of our sweet girl who is missed so desperately.

This is William, one of Alie's "men"...she has several friends that are her age, almost all are boys. But William holds a special place in her heart. She like to kiss his picture! I think he makes her heart flutter!

Easter egg hunting in the back yard had to come after nap time. Alie had turned into a pumpkin and needed her beauty sleep. Good thing...we got some great pictures of the girls and Alie had a ball on her first egg hunt. Every time she saw an egg she would shout, "Eeeeegg"and get so excited! It was so very cute. Too bad I did not think of getting out the video camera. :(

It was a good day. It was a wonderful reminder that there is a place for each of us in Heaven because of Jesus and His ultimate sacrifice. It is a reminder that we sin, we fall short, but we are forgiven. I'm forgiven. You are forgiven. We all can rejoice in that.

Until later....

Hillary

I am angry...

2010-03-11T19:57:00.001-05:00

I have been absent. I have been busy. I have been lazy. I have been angry.
This is what has kept me from writing. I am mad. I am mad that I didn’t go with my gut instincts on October 24th. I am mad that the door opened. I am mad that Natalie’s accident happened. I am mad that Bryan was not home then. I am mad that she never woke up again. I am mad that I had to say goodbye. I am mad that Emily struggles with her feelings of grief and loss on a daily basis and I can’t take that away. I am mad that Allison will never meet her sister. I am mad that I have a beautiful urn in my living room. I am mad that I don’t have a cemetery to visit and grieve in so that I can come home and not do it there. I am mad that I have 2 bins of 12-18 month clothing that needs to be worn (to get the use that the money paid for) but I can’t bring myself to do it...or to get rid of it. I am mad that I don’t get to raise all three of my girls. I am mad that Natalie will never tell me I love you (at least not on this side of the veil). I am mad that she will never have a first love, first kiss, first dance at her wedding. I am mad that she will not get to take care of Bryan and me when we are old and ornery. I am mad at the thought of being mad.

That is what my life, thoughts, and writings have been for the last 3 months. I have been absent because the story would have been the same. I did not want to bore you with it. But then I realized…although I write to let you all know how we are doing, I also write to work through all of these feelings. So I decided that I need to get back to writing. Here I sit, in front of a computer screen, in front of an urn, trying to put my thoughts into sentences. This is quite difficult, much more than I thought it would be.

Until later...
Hillary

re-emerging

2010-03-10T14:46:00.002-05:00

The last time I wrote on this blog, I had just been to the zoo with Alie while Emily was at school. Today, I went to the zoo with a sweet friend and her babies while Emily is at school.

It is time to start blogging again. I needed a break...I needed to clear my head. But all this break has done is cloud my mind because I have not let out all the stuff in it.

It is coming...it may be long...I hope you will stick around.

Until this evening....
Hillary

Who You'd Be Today

2009-10-30T09:21:00.002-04:00

There is a song, I know it sounds a bit cliché, but there is a song. I went to my first Kenny Chesney concert when he was the opening act for Tim McGraw on the Set This Circus Down tour. Then I saw him again in the summer of 2007. He sang a song that always tugged at my heart strings. Now, this song brings me to my knees. I always think of Natalie. I always wonder...who she would be today. I catch glimpses through my friend's children. I can watch her run, talk, play, and love on her sister Alie through them. I had the sweetest moment with Julia the other day at the zoo. She and Alie and I were hanging out. She randomly walked over the Alie in her stroller and kissed her on the top of the head. Then a few moments later she did it again saying I love you baby Alie. I can only imagine what kind of sister Natalie would be. This song will not leave my head, it is playing over and over....

Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

Someday I will know. I will see her again. I will know how her personality blossomed. And my questions will be answered. I will hold her, kiss the top of her head, and tell her I love her. I will get to take off my coat and my heart won't hurt anymore. My tears will be gone. Some day…

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. ~Psalm 27:14

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Today, we are taking treats up to the PICU staff. I like to feed them. It makes me feel like I am helping a little when they did so much. We have yummy cupcakes and coffee for them. This will be the first trip up to visit without Bryan. I don't know how I will do, probably cry a lot. But I will make the time to say thank you. It is important to say thank you.

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and our sweet angel baby Nat Nat

New York in a few pictures...

2009-10-29T00:37:00.007-04:00

Ok, it is a few more than a few pictures. We had a blast!!! I need to write up the whole trip so we have the record and you can see what we did. This first picture is in the Plaza Hotel, the home of Eloise. And now, a trip to NYC and staying at the Plaza is on my bucket list. I have to do that one!

FAO Schwarz

The Empire State Bldg from the Williamsburg Bridge

Keli and Alie

Hillary and Emily

Empire State Bldg

Such a cutie!!!

Emily took this one!

Times Square

Ferris Wheel in Toys R Us

Morgan Freeman!!!

Ok, really he is wax...but how real does he look?!?

Ground Zero...what a sight!

Good night all!!

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie

Emily's big news!

2009-10-09T22:50:00.007-04:00

Just wanted to get these pictures up to share Emily's good news. She has been wiggling her first loose tooth since July. Tonight, while rough-housing in the living room, she knocked it just enough that it came out. First came the tears (after she noticed a bit of blood) and the fear. Then, when a few minutes had passed...all was good and she is so very excited. So we have begun the road to adult teeth (gasp!!).

We also had a great time calling Nana on her birthday to wish her a happy day. Emily even had to do it on her own. She and Nana talk all the time! She likes the phone....I am in trouble!

Off to bed...we have a quiet weekend ahead. But, it will involve some boiled peanuts at the Peanut Festival! I am excited!

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison, and our angel baby Natalie

Alie got her ears pierced!

2009-10-04T23:13:00.006-04:00

Just a few pictures tonight. Bryan has been requesting them! But, the big news this week is that Alie's ears were pierced on Thursday. She did fabulous and did not cry a bit! I am so very proud.

Emily and I had some mommy-daughter time last weekend at Color Me Mine. We both love to go painting and I thought it would be fun to sign up for "Tea for Two". We went with friends and had such a good time. The pictures are the before as Emily was practicing and our set after it had been fired. It is our new favorite thing to play. You are warned now...if you come here, you will probably have to have a least one cup of tea with Emily. It would make her day!

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie

I miss her

2009-10-01T23:06:00.000-04:00

October 1….a day that I dread really. It is the beginning of the month that my life changed forever. It did change in other months as well, February for our wedding and Emily’s birthday, August for Natalie and Alie’s birthday. But October is different. I became a mom who buried a child, a mom who fears for each moment of my children’s lives, hopes that they will be ok when I place them in another’s care. I became the woman who signs her babies up for swim lessons because there is no other option in her life right now. It is October. Grief is hard. Grief is overwhelming and debilitating. And October is a month of reminders. I miss her.

From my recliner I can see Natalie’s Urn. It sits just to the left of the TV in the living room. We live in this room, play, laugh, even eat some. And she lives here with us too. It is as close as we get to having her here with us. I miss her.

Today, I took Alie to the mall for Gymbucks at Gymboree (one of my favoritest things!) and I got her ears pierced. She looks so cute with them. Bryan called tonight (yeah!!!) and I told him. I think her was a bit upset that he was not there. But getting her ears pierced made her different from Natalie. We never took the time to get Natalie’s ears done. Thankfully, we never did it. We were able to donate her kidneys, heart valves and liver because we never got around to it. I miss her.

There are so many things I am trying to do differently, just because so many things are the same as two years ago. But the biggest difference is that this time two years ago I was not missing my baby girl. My arms did not ache to hold Natalie. She was a vibrant, curious sweet little girl with strawberry blond hair and green eyes. She was very high maintenance, very needy, and so loveable. She was Natalie, perfect Natalie. She was here. I miss her.
Bryan is on deployment again. He is doing well. We get to talk about once a week. I know you all probably want to know more, but that is really all the info I have. I know this is hard on him, with so many similarities between the two years. I know he misses her.

So begins October…I am loving on Emily and Allison. I am hugging them more, making sure to take time with each one individually. I am trying to not lose my patience. I am taking time to play in bed before we all get up. I am not pushing Alie to sleep in the crib. I love my cuddle time with my cuddlebug. And I love that Emily wants to snuggle all the time.

So we are ok. We are getting up and doing what we have to each day. We are making it through. Emily, Allison and I are living the best we can while missing two very important people, Bryan and Natalie. Bryan will be home soon. I miss Natalie.

Please pray for our family. Pray for safety for Bryan. Pray for patience for me. Pray for peace for all of us.

I have a new verse that is helping me through. I came across it rather randomly but I think it was placed in my path for a reason.

“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8
Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie

Is He enough?

2009-08-25T22:37:00.003-04:00

I have held onto a business card that is covered with scriptures that I find comfort in for the longest time. First, it was in my pocket. Then it migrated to my purse. It took up residence next to my reading corner on the table. Lastly, until it landed in my hand again, it was on my scrapbooking table. I have pondered writing about these and all they mean to me for so long. And the only thing I wrote on the card (other than the verse addresses) is the words, "Is He enough?"

The day I started this card was a bad day. Today, I had a bad day. Just very off and moody. The girls were great. Alie even took 2 naps and Emily let me get some CM work done. But I am bitter right now and that bitterness was really seeping in to my mood. Perhaps because yesterday was the 24th. Perhaps because Alie's birthday is coming up and I will be celebrating this birthday in a similar way that we celebrated Natalie's 1st birthday. Perhaps it is because we just celebrated Natalie's birthday one week ago. Maybe it was all of these things that puut me into the muddy funk that I don't like.

Tonight I was going to post about the birthday celebration of my sweet girl who should be three now. I was going to post this amazing picture (that alot of you have seen on my facebook pictures) and tell the story behind it. But I am going to change gears.

I read a few other blogs. I have backed off from reading as many as I used to. I found that if I read my Bible, I was more uplifted. But there are a few that I still follow. Tonight, as I was reading one, I read of another family who has suffered a loss greater than ours. I do not know the story but they lost 2 year old boy/girl twins in a drowning accident. My heart led me to read the last entry on their blog (which has not been updated since), post a comment, and pray hard! But my heart also led me back to my card with scripture on it. I have found great comfort in these and I hope and pray that they find my blog and can find some peace within God's Word. It is the only place I have really found peace since losing Natalie. So, this evening, I give you my list. And my wish is that they touch you as they have touched me.

Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.
Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life. ~Galatians 6:1-5, MSG

When God made his promise to Abraham, he backed it to the hilt, putting his own reputation on the line. He said, "I promise that I'll bless you with everything I have—bless and bless and bless!" Abraham stuck it out and got everything that had been promised to him. When people make promises, they guarantee them by appeal to some authority above them so that if there is any question that they'll make good on the promise, the authority will back them up. When God wanted to guarantee his promises, he gave his word, a rock-solid guarantee—God can't break his word. And because his word cannot change, the promise is likewise unchangeable.
We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek. ~Hebrews 6:18-20, MSG

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ~Hebrews 11:1, NIV

The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field.There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look.He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum.But the fact is, it was our pains he carried— our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures.But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed.We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost. We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong, on him, on him. ~Isaiah 53:2-6, MSG

All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God! Thank him to his face! He gets angry once in a while, but across a lifetime there is only love. The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter. ~ Psalm 30:4-5, MSG

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." ~Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV

"I, I'm the One comforting you. What are you afraid of—or who?Some man or woman who'll soon be dead? Some poor wretch destined for dust?You've forgotten me, God, who made you, who unfurled the skies, who founded the earth.And here you are, quaking like an aspen before the tantrums of a tyrant who thinks he can kick down the world.But what will come of the tantrums? The victims will be released before you know it.They're not going to die. They're not even going to go hungry.For I am God, your very own God, who stirs up the sea and whips up the waves, named God-of-the-Angel-Armies.I teach you how to talk, word by word, and personally watch over you,Even while I'm unfurling the skies, setting earth on solid foundations, and greeting Zion: 'Welcome, my people!'" ~Isaiah 51:16, MSG

And of course, there is the one that I go to so often that I can recite it word for word....
Jesus answered, "You don't understand now what I'm doing, but it will be clear enough to you later." ~John 13:7

Perhaps, if you meet someone who has experienced a loss so great, and you are comfortable with it, feel free to share with them our blog and our story. Hopefully our loss can help someone else.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison, and especially our angel baby Natalie

"That Mom"

2009-08-17T23:16:00.001-04:00

I am that mom...the one whose babies are wearing hand-me-downs that may have a faint stain or two on them. My children may have a bit of crusty snot on the end of their nose. They may even be wearing clothes that don't match because they are so proud of picking out their own outfit. They might make the biggest mess in the restaurant, so much so that I have to leave a bigger tip. They could begin to screaming in the middle of the store because I would not buy the one toy "that is her favoritest and she has always wanted for her whole life".

I certainly do not have it all together. There are many days that I am lucky to just get a shower. And those are the days that I realize that I am "that mom." You know the one...you feel sorry for her in the grocery store. You hope that her kids will take a nap just so she can have some peace for 5 minutes.

But, I am also "that mom". This one is the mom who you tiptoe around hoping to not upset. This mom is sad and hurt and upset and puts on that happy face just to make other less uncomfortable around her. This is the mom who wonders who else around her has walked the road she is on now. This mom wants to be normal, like the other moms she knows, but knows that will never happen. This mom never wanted to be in this group, and tries daily to figure out just how she ended up there.

Today is Natalie's third birthday. Last year it did not seem quite as hard as it is now. Perhaps it was because Alie was days away from her arrival and we were still in shock. I think that has finally worn off and now it is just the insurmountable grief and heartache that encompasses us. I still can't figure out why. I think that question will remain on my heart and the tip of my tongue until I see Nat again. Two years ago we were starting on an incredible journey, one that we never could have imagined or picked. But it is one we now stare head-on and know we have to face. Two years ago I was not sleeping because I was just so excited to meet our second baby girl. Now, I am not sleeping because I miss my second baby girl immensely.

We will be celebrating Natalie's thrid birthday with an evening with our close friends. We are going to go to Red Robin for dinner, the perfect place to take children and one that I know Nat would love as much as Emily does. Then we will head to the store and get some Happy Birthday balloons. Finally, we will all head back here, decorate the balloons with my extensive collection of Sharpies (random, I know) and send them up to her with all the kisses we can plant on those balloons. We are going to have cupcakes and sing happy birthday. We are going to do all those things we would do with her here, but we have to do it without her. One day I will get to celebrate her birthday again....one day.

Sweet baby girl, we miss you so very much and wish that you were here with us. I know you are having a ball there. Have a great time celebrating with all your friends in heaven, just as we will celebrate with your friends here on earth. Love you so much, Boogsie....all the way to heaven and back. Love, Mommy

I am back...

2009-07-24T00:18:00.003-04:00

I am having a hard time again. I think I write more when it gets harder. I am not too sure if that is good or bad, but for now...

It has been busy. Full of memories, good and bad. We went to the cabin as we do each summer. This was Alie and Anna Kathryn's first trip there. We did all the things we love to do there, swing on the porch in early morning, wade in the creek, check out what the cows are up to and moo at them, pick blackberries, eat lots of comfort food, and make a trip to Babyland General to watch a new Cabbage Patch baby's birth. It was wonderfully fun and so bittersweet. We were missing Natalie. Her picture is still on the fridge. I can still see her beautiful smile as she played on the swing on the river porch. I was reminded of our visit to Babyland General and watching Natalie crawl around the babies. She was so happy at the cabin. I am always so happy at the cabin.

Alie has gotten her first tooth and begun walking in the last 2 weeks. Thankfully that tooth came through...it was rough. She really is a snaggletooth baby though. Her first tooth was her top front right one! So odd...but so cute! And I love the toddle of a new walker, the way she moves her legs and is so happy with her accomplishment. She is an absolute joy and I am enjoying watching her grow. But... (there is always a but right?) she looks so much like Nat now. She has so many of the same mannerisms. I love the reminders, but the bittersweetness is hard for me.

Tonight was girls night out. My friends Jenna, Carmen and Erin went to the movies with me to see My Sister's Keeper. I read this book before Natalie's accident and really thought I would be ok. Boy was I wrong! I cried through the whole thing. It was just another reminder of all the things that Natalie won't experience and we won't have with her.

So, I am asking for prayers. I am in need of guidance, encouragement and love right now. We are all struggling with Natalie's death right now. We are preparing for Bryan's next deployment. Emily starts kindergarten this fall and I am worried that she will not be cared for emotionally. I have less control then and it is hard to give that up.

I will add that I am leading a bible study tomorrow (really it is this morning) on Living beyond your Circumstances. Please keep me and the ladies attending in your hearts and prayers as we share and wade through this difficult topic.

My family and friends are all asleep so I must go as well. I am sorry to be absent from blogging for so long...hopefully I can get back into this. It will help me, and hopefully help you as well.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and our angel baby Natalie

Allison's Day

2009-06-09T21:17:00.005-04:00

I know that I should have posted this about, oh, 3 weeks ago. It has just been that weird here. I have been in a weird place but want out of it! So I am starting here.

Over Memorial Day weekend, we had a slew of friends and family in town. I really do mean a slew... Alie was baptized that Sunday morning. It was a glorious morning! I, of course, was a bit frazzled and hoping everything went perfectly! My parents came up...and Daddy baptized his fourth grandbaby. What a blessing! My sister, brother-in-law and my most adorable niece Anna Kathryn came as well. I was so glad to have them here. But the best part....my bestest friend from my childhood, the chick that knows it all about me and loves me no matter what and I her, came as well!!! I was so elated to find out Keli was coming, then even more excited when I realized she would be here all weekend! Plus, our friends from Northern Virginia were here and all of my fabulous friends that have supported and lifted us during the last 19 months. I could not have asked for a better day. I had three pews full of people I love...it was bliss!

Allison, me, Emily, and Keli

Our family

Baptisms are hard. I have not denied that fact. I was so nervous. And I am not normally nervous in church. I almost lost it at one point...I came close. But I took a nice deep breath and managed to save my mascara. It was perfect. My joy overflowed as my father walked my daughters around the sanctuary as the congregation sang, " Allison Hope, God Claim You; God helps you, protects you and loves you too!" She is a child of God. She is a child that I have prayed for. She is an answered prayer. She is beautiful. And she is adored by all of us. This was a day for me to remember my commitment to my Lord, my faith and my walk with Him. But it really was her day. It is the beginning of an amazing walk for Allison. I cannot wait to see where He leads her.

Alie and her godparents, Corey, Erin and Sean

"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there. ~1 Samuel 1:27-28

Good night all...

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie

I am the clay

2009-06-01T00:08:00.003-04:00

So many good things…so many hard things. Today was one of those hard days. We were visiting the church of our good friends and attending the baptism of their sons. Baptisms are so very hard for me. It was beautiful sacrament. I had never witnessed a Catholic baptism before. I was doing my best to hold myself together and enjoy all that was promised by these parents. There were 5 children baptized today. As the Deacon was calling each name and baptizing the children, it hit me. The first child, a sweet, blond girl, is named Natalie. She was a little older than Natalie was when she was baptized. That was it for me. I focused on my girls and the boys that I was there for. I made it through, even took a few pictures for the family. I left the sanctuary and found a quiet corner. I hugged on Alie and let myself cry. It never stops. There is always the reminder, no matter what we are doing. After the sacrament and lunch with our friends, we ran up to the outlet malls just to look for a minute. We were very good, purchasing only 1 pair of sneakers for Emily. Of course, the GPS who I have affectionately named Lola brought us home near the park where our last family pictures were taken with Natalie. Shortly after we arrived home, Emily informed Bryan and me that she wanted to send her balloon to Natalie. Every time a balloon gets away outside we talk about how Natalie will get the balloon in heaven and get to enjoy it just as she has here. Today, she wanted to write on the balloon and tell Nat Nat that she loves her. I got out the sharpie and we all wrote messages to our girl then headed outside to send her the balloon. It was so very sweet, sad, perfect and perfectly difficult. Of course, we had the camera out. I never go anywhere without my camera! Yet another moment to remember…yet another moment that I wish had never happened.

I have had a few bad weeks. I honestly think I have been in a state of shock for about 18 months. Once month 19 started, I got mad. Angry, hurt, confused, I am hot! How could this happen? Why me, why us? Why? Just plain and simple…why? It seems as though everything that happens now can be traced back to Natalie’s accident. If Nat’s accident had not happened, then ________ would have. If she was still here, then _______. It is a big fill-in-the-blank puzzle. Each piece builds on how this has affected our lives. It has affected how I approach new situations like kindergarten for Emily. It has affected activities I allow my children to participate in. It has affected Bryan’s job and advancement opportunities. It has affected every aspect of our lives. There are good things that have come from this. We have Alie. Our marriage is strong, solid and alive. But the negative impact from this just keeps resurfacing. And I have found that I am angry. I think I have suppressed it so long that this has no where to go but out. So here it is.

But I am hoping that from this will come some shaping of my soul. I know that I am like clay and God is molding me with every turn. The potter is in control and He is pushing on me to form me just as He wants. I know it is softening my heart and helping me heal. There is growth for me in this turmoil.

“Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.”
~Isaiah 64:8

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and especially our angel baby Nat-Nat who is so incredibly missed today and always

Bittersweetness

2009-05-10T23:31:00.005-04:00

Here I sit...my family all sleeping soundly in the other room. I am alone with my thoughts again, trying to figure out just what they mean and how to wade through them. Lots of stuff happened this week and I am going to post on those tomorrow. We have a busy day ahead of us and I know the chicks will go to bed early.

My family has loved on me today. I loved every moment of it. I woke to Alie chatting with me in bed. Then, as I was getting out of the shower, Emily attacked me with gifts...a homemade tulip that she made at school, and card, and a new bible. Move over Dad, Bryan is taking over with the bible giving. But seriously, it is the Women of Faith Study Bible and I cannot wait to really crack it open! I have already looked up lots of my favorites, because I love reading those scriptures that lift me up. What a wonderful gift...but the best of all was that Bryan completely cleaned the kitchen! It is spotless and I LOVE IT!!!

We went to church today. I thought it was interesting that Pastor Dave used a scripture from John detailing when Jesus was crucified. It looks at that moment from the mother's point of view. a few months back, I wrote a lenten devotional for my father's church on this very passage. It was a fabulous sermon. Of course, I got choked up when he began talking about the grieving moms. There I was, rocking a sleeping Alie in the narthex, listening to the chatter from children's church down the hall, and crying over the daughter that I was not able to hold and hug and celebrate today. So bittersweet...

I often wish that I had a grave to visit. Something tangable that could be special for us. We have Natalie's urn here at the house. I visit with her everyday. But I can't (I suppose I really could...) put flowers on it or release balloons here. Seems like it would be not quite as meaningfu, with less symbolism. I am glad that she is here with us. As a military family, we never know when we may have to move. So, until we are settled, we need to be able to be close to her. And we are unsure of where we will retire to. Not burying her was the best way. But, I get my nights, when the family is asleep to talk with her, tell her how much I miss her, how much I love her and how I cannot wait to get to heaven to see her again. That will be a wonderful day. Then I tell her about Alie and how much she reminds me of her. Talk about bittersweet...

I have celebrated Mother's Day for five years now. And I have three gorgeous girls to be so very proud of. I can hold two of them, love on them, kiss them, and cuddle them. And I have one that I have to remember kisses and hugs. You know, Natalie used to turn her head so you could kiss on her cheek when you asked for kisses from her. I loved that. I miss that terribly! I miss her desperately. She was so very kissable. All three of my girls are...

I am off to snuggle with my snugglebug Alie. And I am off to cuddle with my amazing husband. I am so thankful for him everyday. And I am so very thankful that he and I get to celebrate our three daughters together everyday.

Good night all.

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie

Eighteen long months...

2009-04-29T00:43:00.002-04:00

Eighteen months ago, I watched my baby leave her earthy body.
Eighteen months ago, Bryan and I made a commitment to really work on our marriage so we would survive Natalie’s death.
Eighteen months ago, I became a stay-at-home-mom.
Eighteen months ago, I had to learn how to be honest yet sensitive with our 3 year old who was trying to figure out just what happened to her sister.
Eighteen months ago, our families (about 30 people or so) converged on our home to carry our family…and we barely fit inside.
Eighteen months ago, I stopped nursing Natalie.
Eighteen months ago, my bible returned to my bedside table.
Eighteen months ago, I questioned all that I believe.
Eighteen months ago, I thought I had lost all hope.
Eighteen months ago, my heart was so heavy that I could barely breathe or walk or shower.

What does grief look like eighteen months after you kiss your daughter goodbye? It looks like me.

I am torn. I am sad. I am hurting. I am confused. I am scared. I am lost. I question so much of what I believe. I question my faith. I question God’s love. I question where my life is going. I question all that was solid before October 24, 2007. But, He reassures me that His grace is perfect. I am not but He is. And He is working in me.

I like to shut off. I will admit it…when I don’t know how to react or respond I just shut off. I hide. I want to stay in bed. I do all that I can to keep the kids going while avoiding taking care of me. I avoid the phone. I ignore my animals. I stop blogging even though I still want to and my mind is racing a million miles a minute. I don’t ask for help. I want to avoid the feelings, avoid dealing with what happened. I almost get to the place where I think that if I ignore it, it will go away. I feel as though I am damaged, unworthy, hopeless. But, when I get to that place, that still small voice surrounds me, catches my tears, and reminds me that I am loved. He reminds me that His hands are carrying me and that his yoke is uncomplicated. And then I feel His peace around me and I can face my grief and know that no matter how difficult it feels, I am in His grasp. And I am His child.

I prefer only safe things. I have a hard time with baptisms. I sometimes leave the sanctuary for those, so that I will not break down and loudly blubber during someone elses’ amazing wonderful moment. I just don’t want to ruin it. I am unsure when I get near children that I have not been around much in the last 18 months. I bow my head and avoid eye contact when I get to those places. I do have those strangely uncomfortable moments even in places that I think are safe. At Emily’s ballet studio, I felt a panic rise in me for the last 2 Mondays. Not because I don’t feel safe there, but because Natalie would be starting Kinderdance class in the fall. And she would be playing with one of my favoritest (is that a word?) girls who is just her age. They would be dressing up, playing so sweetly and going through the terrible twos together.

That’s me…simple, straight forward honesty of how I feel. I have bad days. I have horrible days. But I also have smiles, cuddle time with my sunshine Emily, ‘nuggle time with my nuggey Alie, and belly laughs with both girls. There is a twinkle in Emily’s eye again, proving that she is working through it. Alie is blissfully unaware of the past. And Bryan and I are wading through the messy world of grief, together. I am so very happy to have him home. He most definitely is my rock. Now if I can just get back in the habit of journing and getting to the gym, things could be back to “normal”.

As soon as my computer is working better, I will get some new pictures up. Yes, it is still crashing on me. We have a hectic month during May. Alie will be having surgery to open her tear duct on her left eye. I am very aprehensive and scared. But I know it is what she needs done. And Bryan will be gone most of that week. Thankfully, my parents are coming a bit early (before Alie’s baptism) to help with Emily while I take care of Alie, and calm myself down. Alie will be baptized at our church on May 24th. We are going to have a gaggle of family and friends with us…and we would love to have you share in this important moment for Allison and reaffirmation of faith for Bryan and me. It is also such a beautiful moment when a grandpa has the honor of baptizing his fourth granddaughter.

I will do my best to not stay away so long anymore…really it doesn’t do me any good. Journaling helps me heal. So when I don’t journal, I get depressed. And I do love to share my beautiful children with you all.

It is now almost 1am and I need to join my sleeping family. Thank you for praying for us and checking on us. We yearn for each prayer and are grateful for all your support.

Good night all…off to dream of my three girls.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie and Allison

Busy girls...and boy!

2009-04-27T21:50:00.003-04:00

I have been absent. I have been stressed out. I have been busy with the girls. I have been busy grieving my sweet Natalie. I have been preparing for Bryan's homecoming. But I am ok.

Seriously, it has been crazy! Lots of things going on. Bryan is now home and tomorrow is his last day of leave. We have been enjoying family time and the girls are just eating him up! Alie is so on the move now. Emily is so busy with ballet, swimming, golf lessons (starting in May) and school winding down. I am trying (still!) to fix my computer. I am trying to get back into the swing of CM. I am breathing huge sighs of relief now that the love of my life is back in my arms again.

So...more to come tomorrow...

I PROMISE!!!!

Goodnight all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natale, and Allison

What we have been up to....

2009-03-02T23:18:00.006-05:00

I promise a post with words soon. Life is crazy here. From Dora Live, to a trip out of town, Emily's 5th birthday, my purse (and everything in it!) getting stolen at the mall, snow, and preparations to head to Florida for a new license...we have been busy! So here is a glimpse of what has gone on....

Dora Live!

Valentine's Day from my honey...

Happy Birthday Emily!! I cannot believe she is 5!

You can't have a birthday without everyone getting a taste of the cake...Alie loves icing!

Big day ending so sweetly

Nana was here for the snow today. This was Alie's first snow and the first snow that Emily remembers and has gotten to play in.

My snow angel making a snow angel

I really wanted to title this picture, "Snow flakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes" but we did not get enough snow. It was still flurrying (is that a word even?) when I took this. Emily was desperate to catch the snow on her tongue.

til later....

Busy Girls

2009-02-12T21:19:00.004-05:00

Oh my…what a busy couple of weeks. February has already kept us running. I have been looking for the moment to sit down and write. But it never seems to be there, the extra moment. So, I am taking the moments after I finished dishes and before I fold laundry (while Alie is napping of course) to fill you in what is going on with us. First, we are all good. Other than the cold that seems to be plaguing everyone we know, we are healthy. Emily is busy with school, ballet, swim lessons, and Yoga class. Alie is busy learning all kinds of things like sticking her tongue out, crawling on all fours, mastering the art of eating off a spoon, avoiding nap time, melting my heart, and cuddling so warmly at night. I am learning how to survive without Bryan to help me. So far…so good.

Last weekend, I had my semi-annual CM weekend away. We were at the beach for the entire weekend, babysitter in tow. I can tell you, without a doubt, I would not have survived without Renee, the sitter. The girls were so happy and good. I did not worry a bit. She had it all under control, even better than I usually do! And the girls that were at the weekend away had a great time. We all got a lot done in our albums. We were all exhausted when we got home and have spent the last several days recovering from it.

This week has been a bit less hectic and we have enjoyed our lighter schedule. We have had some nice weather as well and were able to go outside and play a bit. Of course, when you are 4, all you want to do is go outside or to a park. So we did that…

And it is so much more fun with friends!!

Aren’t the girls getting so big? Tonight, I was looking at some video of Emily and Natalie. We don’t have much, but what we do have makes me smile. But Emily was about 3 in the video and just so cute! She even said, “did I really sound like that?” I responded, “Yes…and you still do!” It really made me realize just how much Emily is growing up. This week, I booked her 5th birthday party. That made me feel like it has gone by so quickly. She also had her class Valentine’s party and was sad that “boy Alex” was not there…he is at Disney this week. But I assured her that he would be back next week and she seemed ok with that.

Overall, we are good. We are counting the weeks since Bryan left, knowing that with each one we are closer to our family being reunited. No countdown to return yet…as we don’t have a date.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie and Allison

I need your help...

2009-02-05T18:03:00.002-05:00

My computer is having problems. I don't really know much about computers. And Bryan normally fixes it for me. I think I have either gotten a virus or my hard drive is about to go... But I don't know how to tell which it is.

Can you help me or do you know someone who could? Shoot me an email at hillarybwest@aol.com or leave a comment here if you can! Thanks!!

A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee

2009-02-05T09:16:00.000-05:00

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.''Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-02-04T06:47:00.001-05:00

YUM...Oatmeal with Bananas, my favorite!

Really Mom, I can do it myself!

Need I say more?

til later...

Caught in the Middle

2009-02-01T23:05:00.003-05:00

Somewhere in the middle, you’ll find me. Most days that is where I sit. In the middle, not sure of right and wrong. Deciding what I know is right and feeling pulled towards the opposite. I know who puts the thoughts into my head. I know Satan is out to get me, hoping that my walk of faith will falter ever so slightly so he can work his way in. I know that my faith can carry me, yet I question so much.

This morning, for the first time in months, really years, I went to Sunday School. I will admit I have not been during my married life. We go to church, but never ventured into the intamicies of a small group or class. Emily went for the first time ever last week. And she loved it. She came home with stories of God and singing Jesus’ praises. It excited me, re-lit my love to learn. So I made sure that we got there this morning (even if we were a bit late!) because I wanted that joy too.

We talked about 2 John. We talked about Truth and love. A question came up. Which is easier to believe, God’s Truth or the love of Jesus through God’s Truth? Most answered that love was easier and Truth was questioned so much more. Then I decided to share, even on my first day there. You see, I find that Truth remains constant while love is what I question. I know God’s Truth, his grace, and my reward with him. I also know Jesus’ love, his sacrifice for me and you, and the promise of eternal life. But what I realized during this class was that before Natalie’s death, it was easier to question God’s Truth more and rest easily on his love. Now, after such a tragic inexplicable loss, it is easier to hold God’s Truth, His promise, close and question His love for me. Isn’t it interesting how that changes in the blink of an eye?

So where do my questions lie? Somewhere in the middle of it all. I live with contented peace, yet I always want more of what we lost. I live with our new normal but long for the old. I love Alie with all that I am. But I also know that Alie would not be here if Natalie had not died. I love talking about Natalie, but fear others won’t bring her up because the mention of her name brings tears to my eyes. This is my middle. Somewhere between what is and what was. I know there is Truth at one end and the pull from it at the other. I know I am in between, figuring out how to surrender it all to Him. I know that one end is the God that I know, the one that we read about in scriptures. And I know the other end what I want God to be. How do I shift my longing for Him to the truth and not the other? How do I give up my dreams for His dreams? How do I tip the scales towards Him? How do I get out of the middle that I live in?

These are the questions that I contemplate everyday. I am sure you have the same questions, just varied slightly to your own struggles. But the fundamental question remains the same. How do I focus on the alter, lay it all out for him, and not lose sight of His glory and grace as I journey out into the real world?

There is a song…there is always a song with me. I am loving Casting Crowns (and really so many others) right now. The song is “Somewhere in the Middle”. It is so perfect for me right now. It has all of this in it. On my bad days, I listen to it as loud as the baby can handle, belting each lyric as a prayer to my Lord. On my good day, I do the same, using it as a praise, keeping my focus on that alter.

You can see some videos of it on youtube.com if you choose. I am a fan of closing my eyes and singing loudly. You may want to as well. My favorite verse is the 4th verse. It is where I am right now, although all of it really speaks to me. Here are the lyrics so you can sing along.

Somewhere in the Middle by Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

Good night all.
I am off to cuddle with the Nuggle-bug. The plan is to give you pictures tomorrow. Look for them then.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison, and especially our angel baby Natalie

Noticably Absent....

2009-01-28T23:11:00.003-05:00

Hi Y'all. I know it has been so long. Two weeks to be exact. And my post tonight would be long except that we got home late, then had to eat, then got online with Bryan, then had to get everyone to bed...you know the drill. And now, it is past my bedtime, I am pooped and this adorable baby sleeping next to me on the bed is very inviting to "nuggle"with.

I will admit to you, because I am working on being more truthful, that when I am absent is when I really need to be writing. It is when I am having the hardest times, and when I am finding it difficult to express myself or focus to get anything done. These are the times when I am depressed and can't seem to find my way up. It has been that way the past few weeks.

But the last few days have been filled with ladybugs. They have been filled with reminders of my sweet Nat Nat. I will share some of the little ladies in the next few posts (which will hopefully be in the next few days) so that you can catch a glimpse of the encouragement I have seen.

I do have a request. I need someone to go to a concert with me on April 5th. It is here, in Norfolk, and Bryan will not be back yet to go with me. Do you want to know who it is? Well....The United Tour will be continuing at the begging and pleading of the fans...so I am going to see Steven Curtis Chapman and Michael W. Smith on the same stage!!!! I am beyond excited and want someone (or several someones) to go with me. Concerts are WAY more fun when you have someone to share it with. Will you join me?

Good night all...hopefully I will be back tomorrow.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Nat Nat, and nuggle-queen Alie

Wordless Wednesday....almost

2009-01-14T21:11:00.006-05:00

Some of my favs....

The last picture of the girls with Aunt Kimmie and Uncle Marco Marco

One of my favs of Bryan and Emily

Em and Alie...how else do you bathe the baby when Bryan is away?

Rockband anyone?

Cooking with Emily

Elizabeth, this ones for you!

This is my favorite position!

Emily and Natalie...

Natalie and her friend Julia

til later....

Changes...

2009-01-11T20:25:00.004-05:00

New Haircuts for Emily and me

At the airport with Daddy before his flight

til later...

Never Let Go

2009-01-10T22:32:00.002-05:00

My heart hurts tonight. I sit here, with two of my daughters asleep in the other room, wishing there were three here with me. I am grieving, dear friends. There are many tears rolling down my face and it is hard to even see the screen. Every day, Emily begins and ends with “I miss my Daddy and I miss my Natalie.” And I respond the same way, “I miss Daddy and Natalie so much too.” I am really missing my girl tonight. Maybe it is because Bryan is not here to hold me, comfort me and make me feel safe. Maybe it is because tomorrow will be 14 months and 12 days since I said goodbye to my beautiful red-headed, green-eyed daughter. Maybe it is because I am overwhelmed. Maybe it is because I am simply a grieving mom, wishing that my Natalie was still in my arms.

I have a new song that I have embraced. The chorus is so powerful, so perfect. Never Let Go. David Crowder Band sings this and I live it daily. I will never let go. I can’t. I will never let go of Natalie and my memories. I will never let go of my Lord, my savior that carries me daily through this struggle. I will never let go of the doctors and nurses that took care of Natalie, keeping her safe and helping her heal. I will never let go of my family and friends who waited so patiently for news at the hospital for five days. Our lives stood still and theirs did too. I will never let go of those that could not be with us, but prayed fervently this His will be done. I will never let go of those that brought meals, sent cards, and gave us smiles and well-wishes as we picked up the pieces of our broken hearts. And I will never let go of those that took care of Emily for those 5 days. How could I be in two places at once, with my daughter that was dying and my daughter that was so confused and scared? You helped so much. I could never repay that. I will never let go of my grief, it is now a part ofme. I will never let go of the blogging world that has embraced our family, following us, praying for us, laughing with us (do you remember the crayon story?!?) and crying with us.

I will never let go. Because you never let go. Thank you. My heart is broken tonight, but I know that You will be here to pick me up again. Ever faithful, ever true; You I know, You never let go.

“Never Let Go” by David Crowder Band
When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go

When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love

Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go

Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love

In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

Your will be done

2009-01-02T23:40:00.006-05:00

It has been hectic. It has been hard. I have been hesitant to write. I want to say exactly what is on my heart, but fear the act of giving it words. It makes it permanent and I have a strange fear of permanence now. I have not doubt that it comes from the loss of my daughter.

I am reserved when it comes to the holidays. Last year, we put up a tree but only decorated with new ornaments. This year, we put up the tree, hung the stockings, put up the outdoor lights. I was sad all season. Relief came tonight as I took it all down. I feel Natalie’s absence so much now. And I seem to grieve more. We had one Christmas with her. She was four months old. She did not get to enjoy it like I see Emily enjoy it. Last year we were still in shock, numb from her passing, and just going through the motions to make it through another day. This year it has been real. There were less presents. The table had one less place setting. Her stocking was empty on Christmas morning when all the other stockings for the kids were busting at the seams. Crying became a constant while we were at my parents. I managed a smile when I needed to, but I knew my feelings were opposite of my outward appearance.

I am fully aware that the holidays are more difficult when you have lost a loved one. I did not know that I would feel as though I was wading through mud, thick black mud. I have spent lots of time looking for comfort. Bryan and I have leaned on each other. I have gone to my bible more times than I can remember to get me through this. And I am glad the holidays are over. Now for the next hurdle…

First, let me tell you about the most amazing thing that happened in Florida. My sweet, amazing, beautiful, funny niece (but I am not biased!) Anna Kathryn was baptized on the Sunday after Christmas by my dad. Having your father share that moment, the sacred sacrement of baptism, as your pastor is amazing. I have done this twice, both with Emily and Natalie. And Daddy will baptize Alie as well. We all stood up with Kimberly, Mark and Anna Kathryn during this moment to share in the joy. Anna Kathryn was adorable and everything went smoothly. We all sat back down and Dad continued the service. My Aunt Celia leaned over, tapped my shoulder and let us know there was a ladybug crawling towards us on the pew. Yes, you read that right, a ladybug in December in St. Paul’s UMC on our pew! She crawled to Bryan, Alie and me. I put my hand down and she crawled right onto my finger. She spent about a minute tickling my finger until she got agitated and flew away, towards the stained glass window at the back of the church. I have not seen Nat visit us in a long time. And I have been discouraged by it. But, how amazing is it that Nat visits us at the baptism of the baby that we know she provided the hedge of protection over at her birth. Anna Kathryn was born on the day that we celebrated Natalie’s life. And I am certain that Natalie is a major player in making sure that Anna Kathryn became a part of our family. Here she was again, on one of the most important days, protecting my sweet niece. There she was…comforting me as my 14 month old niece smiled my way.

We did have to head home early. Bryan received a call from work calling him back to deploy. We were so sad, both at the shortened visit, but also the reminder of his impending deployment. We found out today that he will be leaving this week. Please keep Bryan in your prayers as he travels to the Middle East and as he defends our nation. We are desperate for safe travels and a safe return. Emily, Alie and I will make it through. I am nervous about being alone with the babies while he is gone. But I know I can do this. And I have Corey too! He is a blessing and so helpful to me. I am thankful he is in our lives.

I have to admit…because I know that you all know my secrets…that my heart has felt harder recently. I have spent many hours praying for God to soften it. I have prayed for guidance through this sea of grief. I have prayed for direction and faith. My faith in my Lord has not waivered. I have waited for Him to guide me. And I am now working through some of the conversations we have had in the last few weeks. Please be in prayer over these. I cannot divulge more at this moment, but Bryan and I are figuring out just what it means. I tend to ask Him seveal times if this is really what He wants before I say, “Your will be done.” I question when I should not. And I am now focusing on obedience.

Last year was full of grief, questions, never-ending court dates, and overwhelming fear. But it was also a year of hope, new life, answers, and love. We found resolution, restoration and remembrance to be evident at every crossroad. We pray that this year will bring all of this and so much more. I know that this year, with deployments and anniversaries, it will be a leap of faith for each of us. But I know whose hands will be there to catch each of us.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:1-3

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Hillary and Emily at the LifeNet ceremony

Good night all. Happy New Year.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily especially our angel baby Natalie and Allison

more to come...

2008-12-31T22:54:00.003-05:00

It has been far too long since I have updated. Lots has happened...traveling, christmas, family time, ladybugs, deployment scheduling...and I want to update you. But, right now, Bryan and I are spending some important quality time together as we ring in the new year as a family of five. Tomorrow you will get the post of a lifetime. It will be long. Rest those eyes tonight, for tomorrow will be lots of reading and looking at adorable pictures of my family.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! May your night and your new year be filled with lots of love and peace as He shows us daily how He is perfecting you and me together.

...until later

My candle is lit...

2008-12-14T19:05:00.003-05:00

Our candle, in memory of our sweet Natalie, is burning bright. I hope you have joined us, whether to light one for our Natalie or a child of your own.

til later....

forgiveness and grief

2008-12-13T22:41:00.001-05:00

I am attempting to write this as I play Wii bowling with my family. Bryan, Emily and I are playing and Alie is on the floor watching. Bryan is a competitive soul…he is hard to play with. Anyhow, today Emily played her first real game of bowling and LOVED it! It was so fun to watch her and her little friends see just how many pins they could knock down. And if they got them all? Pure bliss. So now we are bowling at home, and I am having a great time with this.

We are having a fun-filled day. First, a birthday party at the bowling ally. Then, off to Shannon and Brian’s home for a Christmas party for the kids. Finally, we headed home for some more quality time together. Bryan will be deploying soon. We are doing our best to enjoy the time we have. Emily’s favorite part of today was bowling with Alex and Santa at Shannon’s (according to her she gets 2 favorites).

I know I have not updated since Tuesday. I am sorry for that. This week has been hard, similar to the weeks of anniversarys and birthdays. We decorated the Christmas tree. It is so hard to put all the ornaments on for Natalie. I would never leave them off, but I cried with the placement of each one. Last Saturday, I worked at a craft fair. One of the booths was an ornament booth. And they had a ladybug ornament. I got one. How could I not? I had Natalie’s name written on it. I think that we will look for a special ornament each year for her for our tree.
Tuesday in court went well. I spoke in court, requesting that she not serve any jail time. I told the judge of how we have forgiven Sue for what happened. The judge heard our request, acknowledged that we hold no animocity and therefore the court won’t either, and suspended a 12-month sentence. We are pleased. We are glad this part of the healing process is done. But as we left court, I grieved for the child that I spoke for. I missed her a bit more during that moment.

A reporter from the local NBC station, WAVY 10, was in court covering the story. He approached me after court with a request for an interview. I immediately responded stating that I would only do it if it was about water safety. Andy looked at me, told me no and explained that he wanted to do a story on forgiveness. He promised that it would be a good piece, true to our story and that others needed to hear it. Sue and I talked, agreed to do it and met him about 2 hours after court let out to do the interview. There were 2 segments shown that night, both showed mercy, forgiveness, and love. Andy gave us what he promised. If you would like to see the first one, go to http://www.wavy.com/ and search my name, Hillary West. You will find the story. Click on the video tab above Natalie’s picture and press play.

I have grieved so much this week. I have spent a lot of moments crying. I have spent so many moments wishing things were different. It is the same story that I have lived for the last 13 months and 14 days. It is the same story that I will live for a long time to come. This week, I contacted the woman who plans the Compassionate Friends meetings in our area. I think I am ready to work through this more. I have heard that they help, these meetings. I am going to see where this leads.

I have another request, dear friends. Tomorrow (Sunday, December 14th) is Worldwide Candle Lighting to remember children who have died at any age from any cause. It is at 7pm your local time. Simply light a candle in honor of the sweet children that are gathered at Jesus’ feet. There will then be a wave of light that circles the globe in honor of our babies. We will be lighting many candles here, remembering our sweet Natalie. I hope you will join us. Please light a candle in honor of Natalie. If you take a picture of your candle, I would love to see it.

Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4
Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
Lamentations 3:32

Good night all.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

Finality

2008-12-09T06:24:00.002-05:00

Friends, I ask for your prayers. Not for me, but for my dear friend Sue. You all know Sue. She is a big part of my life, both when my children were in her care and now as my friend. Today, we return to court for sentencing. I know Sue is scared and anxious. I am too. Please, keep her (and us as well) in your prayers today. Pray for understanding from the judge, leniency, and peace for her. I do not know what today will hold for us, but I do know that He holds us and will be by our sides. We will accept the decision of the judge, whether it be the decision we wanted or one that he choses.

I am anxious right now. I am scared for my friend. I am hopeful for her children, that they will see their mother this afternoon when they return home from school. And I am praying so diligently for each of them. Will you join me please?

til later...

Seeing Stripes

2008-12-03T20:39:00.006-05:00

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I am doing better, dealing with this season. Bryan is wonderful, supportive, caring. My friends are close by my side, helping me every step of the way. I am so grateful to have an amazing support system here, with so many all over praying for us consistently. Thank you.

I have not posted about thanksgiving. I should have done one of those posts on everything that I am so thankful for. But I feared that you and I both would cry way too much over that one. As I was uploading pictures today, I saw the photos of Thanksgiving. They are so hard to look at. I see where Natalie should be. I think of all the foods she would eat, as opposed to the ones her sister won't eat. It makes my heart so heavy. But ultimately we had a good day. There was lots of good food and lots of good friends. And we do have so much to be thankful for. I do have a beautiful family!

Yesterday, my friend Maria and I went to the outlet malls to get away for a few minutes. While we were there, we checked out the sales at the Gap. Usually they have pretty good ones. Not yesterday. But...I did get the cutest outfit EVER for our sweet baby girl! There was a matching dress for Emily as well, but it was not 40% off so I will have to wait until it goes on sale to get it. Today, I put Alie in it while Em was at school and tried to get some cute shots. But she keep performing instead...

Everytime I would put her on her belly, she would roll right over. She has been doing this since about 6 weeks old. But she would never do it consistently, only when she really wanted to. Today, it seems that she only wanted to roll over. That is, until Daddy got home. Then she stopped again! Isn't this outfit absolutely adorable? It has a cute hood as well. When I picked up Emily, she was asleep in it and everyone was saying how cute it is. I felt like I had the cutest baby on earth! Oh wait, I think I do!

But, alas, after all that playing and rolling, we came home, got some lunch, played a bit more, then it was time to nap. Alie rarely sleeps in her crib, but when she does...well, she can't sleep in a normal position. She likes to be sideways! I am loving the stripes. We will use and abuse this outfit! It is too cute to put in a drawer!

Good night all!

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

a powerful truth

2008-12-01T22:33:00.001-05:00

I have learned something…the truth hurts. This is something that I already knew. But it has become more prevalent for me in the past few days. I have become very good at hiding lots. I can fake a mood, looking as though things are just fabulous. I can adjust my answers to portray what I think someone may want to hear, allthewhile ignoring the truth that is in my heart. I have learned how to convince myself of a truth even when I know that it is not true and I am still hiding from myself.

Today, that changed. I have been hiding so much from myself, hoping that my lie would then become the truth. I have been saying, living and doing what I wanted to be real even when I knew that I was lying to myself and in turn lying to everyone around me. But today, I decided that I would face some things head on and hopefully be able to live the truth. But that truth hurts. The first thing I had to do was to give something a voice. Although I would love to spell it all out right here, I must keep a bit of this private simply because I do not know all my readers. So, although I must remain a bit vague, know that the vagueness is totally truthful!

Today, I gave the one feeling that has not changed in months a voice. And now I feel like I can really address it and face this truth fully. I have to admit. It was hard. I was scared to voice it. I was scared to begin this process. I am still scared to admit to others. But, I told Bryan finally about how I was feeling. That was big for me. Even though I know he would never be anything but supportive, I still worry just a bit. True to the husband that I love and adore, he is supportive and understanding. Although I don’t feel like I can divulge all to you now, please keep me in your prayers as I deal with this, learning how to live though it.

My truths have been more than just this though. The truth of seeing just how much I have changed in the last 10 years, since Bryan and I were engaged and having our first picture taken together for our church’s directory to the photo that I received in the mail today, was heartwrenching. The fact that Bryan looks the same, just older is wonderful. The fact that I look older and bigger was hard to see, hard to say, and hard to swallow. I have a bit of work to do.

Yesterday, it was hard to know that Natalie had been gone 13 months. There I go again, counting things. But what was worse was realizing that in about 6 weeks, Natalie will have been gone as long as she was with us. And in 12 months, Alie will have been with us longer than Nat was. These have been so hard to swallow. I have not gotten over these yet. I don’t really know that I will. I wonder how I will make it through those milestones. I wonder how I will make it through the next holiday. Last year, we were still in shock. This year, it has totally hit us hard that someone is clearly absent. Thanksgiving was hard. Keeping up that front was so hard. Thankfully, now, I can let down my wall. Christmas will be….I don’t even want to think about it yet.

I have been thying to figure out how this fits into God’s word. I wanted to see what He had to say about how I have been feeling. I found my answer in 2 Corinthians 12. I came across this verse yesterday. Somehow it fits me right now. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.” I am weak right now. But His grace is sufficent. His grace is what brings me here, to confess to you and to confess to myself. His grace gave me the courage today to face what I had been hiding from. I can rest in this. I will rest in this. He is sufficient for my weakness. I can face the truth and all the hurt that comes with it because His power is perfect.

Good night all.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie and Allison

the business of grief

2008-11-26T07:17:00.005-05:00

I'm sad. It has been a very hard week. It continues to get harder as we go. Tonight is pie night. All 6 pies will baked into their yummy glory and delivered tomorrow morning. Kim, you are the lucky recipient of our 6th pie. After we make them, adjust the receipe to reflect what we really put in it, I will post it so you all can enjoy the yummy goodness of the pecan pie we enjoy each holiday.

I had a revelation yesterday. I was on the floor playing with Alie. She is so good at playing and making me smile. I just have to look at her and she grins from ear to ear. This, in turn, puts a big smile on my face. Which, then, puts a big smile on her face. Do you see the pattern? It is a vicious, fabulous cycle. But, as I was smiling to my daughter, I realized just how heavy my heart is right now. I am missing Natalie so desperately right now. Emily is too. And so are Bryan and Corey. But Alie does not know yet what grief is. She just smiled right on through. One day, I will have to introduce her to grief. It will be different for her. But she will be exposed to it much sooner than she would have otherwise. I am unsure about this. How do I introduce sadness to my little one? I guess it will just happen during the conversations about her sister. I don't like this though. She should not have to be exposed to it so soon. I love the fact that Natalie never really knew hate, or sadness, or grief. But Alie will. This is hard for mommy to accept. And I am not doing it too well right now.

I wanted to post a few pictures of my girls. Yesterday was Emily's preschool Thanksgiving Feast. She was a pilgrim girl. And she made a beautiful pilgrim girl. But, of course, after everyone was dressed, she wanted to be a Native American. Most of the other children were Native Americans. The good thing about the feast was that they served Chicken Nuggets, Em's favorite! She says she will try turkey tomorrow....we will see.

Of course, as Alie and I were playing on the floor yesterday, I couldn't help but grab the camera and snap a few shots of the smiling baby. She is quite a ham already, both with the camera and the fact that her thighs are so chunky and adorable. There are so many yummy rolls that I love to squeeze. And her smile...you can see for yourself!

Counting...

2008-11-24T09:35:00.003-05:00

I don't think I will ever stop counting. I have counted the number of day Natalie was with us, the number of days in the hospital, the number of days until we had her funeral, and I even know the number of days that she has been gone. Today is a number too. Today is the 24th...13 months since I saw my Natalie's smile. Thirteen months since I held her. It crept up on me. Yesterday I was in a bad mood. I could not pinpoint why. I honestly thought it was because I have not been faithful to my devotional time in the morning. Or maybe it was hormonal. Or maybe I was stressed that today is going to be so busy. Maybe, it was just because the baby has been fussy and I am not sure why. Now I know. It is all of these things, along with the counting.

There are lots of days when I don't want to count. I simply cannot help it though. As much as I try not to, it always creeps into my thoughts. I suppose it always will. But does it have to hurt so much? Do I have to cry when I think of her 5 1/2 days in the hospital? Sure, it is now part of me.

Bryan and I were counting the number of pies that we have to make this year. Every year, Bryan makes a yummy Pecan Pie for Thanksgiving and Christmas. If you are one of the lucky people who has tasted this tiny piece of heaven, you understand. We have one, we make an extra for home because it is just that good. We have to make one for a few special friends, and of course there will be a pie that makes its way to the PICU. Have I ever mentioned that I love to feed them? Don't really know why...maybe because food can make anyone happy. Last year, we made 5 of them. This year the number is the same. But this number then reminds me that last year we had Turkey with my sister and her family. And Nat was not with us. It reminds me that we will be taking a pie to the hospital. We only know the staff there because we spent 5 days with them while Nat fought. Somehow, numbers have become something I don't always want to remember.

Anyhow....we have time this year to make one more. If you are in our area and you want one of these yummy pies this year, leave a comment. Give me a really good reason why you should get this tasty treat. Bryan and I will pick the most deserving comment and bring it to you either Wednesday night or Thursday morning.

til later....

Remembering

2008-11-18T09:29:00.003-05:00

I had a post all written. I lost it. And it was a good one! I am crying over that right now. But, as I was frantically searching for it, I came across this post from the caringbridge site that I wrote 1 year ago. It made me smile to read it. These are things that I remember but are not always in the forefront and I wish they were. Life is busy...and I need to slow down. Here is the post from last year, so you can remember too! If you want to send me your memories, I would love to remember with you. I am going to spend my day today remembering. Maybe I will include time for that during my devotional time in the morning...

What is your favorite memory of Natalie? Is there only one, or are there more? I have hundreds of thousands. Every moment of everyday of the 14 months and 12 days that I was able to hold and kiss and love my baby. But there are so many that stand out to me...thank you to my friends today at workshop who remembered with me. Those 7 women shared my child, my love with me. They cried with me and made me remember how much I do love her. Thank you! You have done more than you know for me. I needed today to be a good day and you gave that to me. I am honored to call each of you my friends. Share these memories with me....
Do you remember how Nat would smile...all 6 teeth gleaming! She had the most fabulous smile. Do you remember how she would talk? She would make this grunting noise…ooohhhh! I have a picture of it. I love that picture. Do you remember how she would run to the door the minute someone would walk in? Was it you? Can you see her, arms back as if to help propel her forward? I can see it. I miss it.
Do you remember asking her for kisses? Do you remember how she would walk up to you (with a big old smile!), turn her face so her check was towards you, and move so you could kiss it? I loved that…I asked her to play that game every single day, as often as I thought of it. I miss it.
I would love to know what your favorite memory of Natalie is….no matter how big or small. Each memory is so very important. You can put them in the guestbook so everyone can share these memories. You can email them to me if you prefer. Help me remember my baby…help us remember our family of 4. Natalie lives with us in our memories, in our dreams. I have big dreams….please make them bigger, for all of us.
Good night all…
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily and especially our angel baby Nat Nat

til later...
Hillary

Almost Wordless Wednesday

2008-11-12T08:01:00.004-05:00

Alie loves her ladybug mobile!

Alie does not love her carseat!

Emily did not want to eat dinner. We were making her (oh, the horror!) eat what we were eating. But, the thought of the cupcake she would get if she ate one piece of chicken won over the thought of eating Mommy and Daddy's yucky food that she "can't like".

til later....

New Normal

2008-11-07T17:12:00.002-05:00

I read this somewhere....seems appropriate for my mood today and the last few days...

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember them.

Normal is that everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have a child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you don't say you have her to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.And last of all,

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

Bittersweet

2008-11-03T22:07:00.003-05:00

Bittersweet…

Today is so bittersweet. This morning I left my sister’s home to come back to Virginia. Anna Kathryn was sound asleep in one of the cutest nurseries I have ever seen. I blew kisses through the door and told Kimmie to give her hugs and kisses from us. Today, my sister’s daughter turned one! I am so happy to say it, much less celebrate it with them last weekend. Anna Kathryn ‘s birthday party brought tears to my eyes. It was a sweet reminder of what is to come as we all grow with her. And it was a bitter reminder of what we will not have with Natalie. Today is one year since we gathered with our friends and family to celebrate Natalie’s life in her funeral service. Honestly, no parent should ever have to witness that. It is unnatural. But we now know that Natalie was not only looking over us that day. She was looking out for Anna Kathryn as well. Each year, I will remember both AK and Nat together on this day. It is a special day for each girl. Their stories intertwine here, with an end and a beginning. In fact, AK was born just as Nat’s service was ending.

He gives and He takes away.

It has been one year…today is the last day I get to say that. I remember meeting someone who lost their son three years before I met her. I remember thinking, “Three years is a long time.” Now, I don’t agree. It is so short. One year has flown past, yet felt like an eternity. One year. We had just barely spent on year with her.

I want to say so much more…but my words are jumbled. I have been in front of this computer trying to make sense of them. But I cannot get my thoughts into clear sentences.

I am going to bed. I am going to remember. I am going to relive those amazing moments that Natalie gave me. I am going to try to not be upset that the first are over. I am going to do my best to honor my girls. I am going to start the second year without Natalie. And I am going to celebrate with my sister that her daughter is one. I will remember what He took from me while rejoicing over what He has given us as well. I think this day will always be bittersweet. But with its bittersweetness come the memories and stories of two sweet girls.

One He gave us as He took the other one away.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie and Allison

Halloween fun

2008-11-02T08:58:00.006-05:00

Last Wednesday, at school, Emily had her harvest parade. She had a great time. The kids all had fun. It was very hard to get the whole class into one picture but I got it!! The best part was that I spent all morning at Em's school and Alie slept right through it.

Getting ready for her halloween party at school

All of the cutest kiddos that I have ever seen...well really there were more super cute ones too. You can see Emily at the end (she was the caboose that week!) with her teacher Ms. Doris.

Friday morning we headed out for our trip to Monroe to my sister's house. I did not really think that we would make it. Everything was going wrong and we were not getting out the door when I wanted to. I was so frustrated. What's a girl to do? Head to Starbucks, get some yummy coffee, go back home, wait until the baby is ready for her nap, put kids in the car, head out on the road 3 hours late! But we got here safe and sound. Then we headed to Allison's house for dress up with the girls. I had not planned on taking Emily trick-or-treating. She has never been. But all of the sudden there was a wagon with another princess, Miss Maggie, in it and she was gone!

Of course, there were a few other cuties that I cannot forget. Anna Kathryn makes the cutest Sunflower! I was originally going to get this costume for Alie, but when I found out that Kimmie had already bought it I changed my plan. I then found a CUTE dragonfly costume. It is adorable. But...Alie is not always the happiest of babies at the end of the day. And Friday was not different. She was tired and irritable. (I was too!) The result was a mad dragonfly, cute but mad!

Emily went to the first house and was stunned when the woman gave her some candy. She gave a look like, "I don't know why you are giving this to me but I will take it!" After that, she was hooked.

And the cutest sunflower EVER with her mom!

We head home tomorrow. Please pray for safe travels for Emily, Alie and I as we make our way home. This has been a short trip, but such a good one. It was tons of fun to share these milestones, including AK's birthday party yesterday, with my sister and her family. I love that my sister is close enough for a weekend visit. And I love that we are close enough to share that visit. I have spent many moments crying silently for all that is missing from this trip. Natalie is visibly absent. But I have spent many more moments smiling and enjoying lots of firsts with Anna Kathryn, Alie and Emily. I am grateful for the firsts...they bring joy to my heart again.

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel Natalie and Allison

it is time....

2008-11-01T08:41:00.004-04:00

...for the disclosure of the order of the pictures.

Many of you were right...some were close. I am impressed by how you all can tell them apart. I sometimes have to do a double take to tell. But here is it...

This is our sweet Emily, the oldest. She is the baby we learned all we know about raising children. Sometimes I wonder how she will really turn out in spite of all of our mistakes.

Next, Natalie made her appearance. She is our baby that we worried came too soon. At 10lb 11ozs, I could not have carried her any longer. It was really too bad that I did not discover the book "The Happiest Baby on the Block" until she was 4 months old. I could have used that one! But seriously, she was my cuddliest baby. She was always wanting to cuddle, nurse, co-sleep...really be close in any way she could. I miss her cuddles. I miss all of her. (the red hair gives this one away too!)

And finally our newest member of the family, Allison. At two months old, she is our easiest baby yet. There is only fussiness when she is dirty, hungry or sleepy. Oh, and I learned yesterday that she is not a fan of being awake in the car. The last 30 minutes on I-85 were rough! Alie is also our smallest baby and still proves to be that way. She has not even hit 12lbs yet. I am amazed. She likes to cuddle too. We will see if that lasts.

So...who got it first? The order of the pictures on the original post was 1. Nat 2. Alie 3. Em.

My sweet friend Kim P. emailed me shortly after I posted and got it right. She gets bragging rights officially. But I am very impressed with those that have never met me and still got it. You are amazing people. Kim, I have something for you next time I see you. It is a mere thanks for loving us, following us and praying for us.

Thanks to each of you. This week has been so hard. It has not totally cleared yet. I began crying last night as I was driving to Allison's house last night and saw a sweet Tinkerbell out with her mommy. She was probably only about 18 months. Natalie was going to be Tinkerbell last year. I never even took the time to put her costume on her. Had she lived to Halloween, we were going to bring it to the hospital and put it on top of here just so I could get a picture. Now, it is retired into the Natalie box at home. I doubt Alie will wear it next year. I think she will be a peacock instead.

Today we are at my sister's celebrating Anna Kathryn's 1st birthday. I am so happy to be here, excited to share this milestone with my sister. We will have a blast. AK is the cutest little munchkin. And the sounds she makes...priceless! Emily and AK are playing on the floor right now and it is precious. I am off to get my camera!

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

Beautiful Scars

2008-10-30T23:03:00.002-04:00

I always hated anytime I ended up with a scar. I have lots of tiny ones on my arms from having the chicken pox 4 times as a child. I have one next to my knee from the time I cut it in band class (yes, I played the saxophone) in the 8th grade. I have three on my other knee from surgery 11 years ago. I have one on my left hand next to my ring finger where I burned myself on an iron while visiting my sister 10 years ago. I could go on and on…I have lots of little ones everywhere.

But I now have a few scars I am so very proud of. I have lots of stretch marks to show how my belly grew as the girls grew within me. I did not like them at first. They are still not my favorite. But they are a daily reminder of the joy and pure bliss of feeling a child kick you from within, roll over, hiccup and push a little foot outward to make a bit more room. I have a c-section scar that shows that my girls were born. It is not healed yet from Alie’s birth, but it will be a beautiful scar. It will remind me daily that I carried all three of them, that they were taken from my womb and given to us to love, care for, and watch grow.

Now I have a scar that is not so tangable. I have a scar on my heart reminding me daily that, although Natalie grew within me and she was born, she stayed with us for only 14 months 12 days. Somedays it is not as visible, hiding just beyond the view of the naked eye. Somedays you can see this scar. It manifests itself as my quiet demeanor, tear stains on my cheeks, or the inability for me to focus on things as I should. There are many days now that I can only do one thing at a time when I was a good mutli-tasker before. Natalie takes up at least one “task” at all times…my thoughts are never far from her memory. But this is a scar that I happily wear now. I am not happy she is gone, but I am happy that I am her mom, that I held her even if it was for a brief moment, and that she loved me. I am so grateful to have memories, lots of memories. I can’t even begin to count the number of pictures we have of her smile, personality and love. We thrive on those. I know I can take out my albums or just open Memory Manager on my computer and I can remember all those moments. They are some of the most precious memories we will ever make.

One year ago today, Natalie was given a scar. At 1:39 in the morning she left our world. But as she left she gave what she could to help another. She was given a scar when her kidneys were removed. And somewhere in Central Virginia, a 42 (now 43) year old man got a new scar…one that gave him Natalie’s kidneys and a new opportunity to live. These have to be 2 of the most beautiful scars that I will never see. But I know about them. I know the sacrifice my girl made. I know the sacrifice we made. And I know that it has forever changed me.

Last night, we ventured up to the PICU. As you all know well, I like to take them yummy goodies. My heart pounds when I pick up the phone in the hallway to gain permission to enter the PICU. I feel as though it is going to come out of my chest as we walk through the door. And usually I begin to sob as we say hello to the staff working that day. We have been fortunate to visit (the last 2 times!) where there have been no children in the PICU. It is a bit easier when I do not hear the machines dinging. Bryan and Emily always walk down to room 5, where Natalie fought for her life. Each time we go, I run into someone else that was intregal in Nat’s care and several others who know of us even if they did not specifically care for our girl. Last night was no different. We arrived with coffee and a Pumpkin Pie (yum!). I picked up the phone and a familiar voice was on the other end. C.A., one of Natalie’s nurses, was working. We have not seen her since we left one year earlier. CA was Nat’s nurse on the 29th last year as I cut Natalie’s hair, as we bathed her, as we took her footprints and handprints so we could forever remember her and have a few tangible things in the years to come. It was so nice and comforting to see her face. We were able to share Alie with her. She even commented on how much Alie looks like Nat. Although I know that the circumstance was not good, we certainly made several sweet friends during our time there. And I am grateful for each one. I am grateful for each one we reconnect with on our visits. And this was my first visit there that I did not cry. As we left, my heart felt full. I had walked out the doors and down that hall one year ago. Our girl was going home to be with her Lord and we were going home to mourn her. But I felt like she was with me as we left, hugging on me and telling me that she was ok. One day I will be able to look into room 5. I know I will leave with tears streaming down my face. And I know it will get easier each time I visit.

I miss her terribly. Tonight has been so difficult. Events of the day have not gone how I wanted and that makes me anxious. I am not packed and I am supposed to leave in the morning, bright and early. Our departure will be delayed so I can sleep tonight. And packing will take place in the morning. The grief, the heartache, is real tonight. It is strong and making it hard to breathe. I spent a little over an hour cuddling with Alie after she fell asleep. Bryan and Corey had to run out and it was just me and the girls. I cherish that time, no matter which of my girls is curled up with me. Those moments allow me to remember the scars each one of my girls gave me. They make me smile and cry all at once. They are beautiful scars.

It has been one year. This year has flown by and yet it has seemed as though we are living in slow motion. I know that the coming year will give me more ups and downs, more heartache and more moments to cherish. I know it will add a few more scars.

They will be beautiful scars.

Good night all.
Love,Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel Natalie, and Allison

2008-10-28T21:37:00.004-04:00

Can you tell which is which?!? I have to check the date on the picture. Each one is 2 months old in the picture...each one is so beautiful. First one to get the order right will get bragging rights to knowing my kids the best. Maybe something else will come your way as well. :)
I will have a bigger post tomorrow (praying that the baby lets me get it onto the computer) but for now...my girls!

Daddy's first night with the girls alone (for 6 hours!!) was Monday night. I had a meeting. He had it all together when I walked int he door. He rocks!!!

And my pretty princess...ready for her harvest festival at school!

til later...

She walks with me

2008-10-24T22:49:00.008-04:00

We did something special today. We did something that will remind us every single day for the rest of our lives that Natalie was here. It will be with us no matter where we go, what we do, no matter our age, no matter our situation. We have been talking about this for months. I was pregnant and not able to do this yet though. But now I can. Bryan can. We will share the bond of our girl and our memory forever. Today, we each had Natalie’s footprint tattooed onto us. With every step we take, she will take the same step. For me, her footprint is on top of my foot. She walks with me. I love that. For Bryan, it is on the side of his leg. She is there with him as well. And Bryan and I share her footprint between us. The same print on the same side of the body. She will walk with each of us every day we are on this earth, and when we are no longer here we will be with her in Heaven. I am so happy I did this. I am still in shock thought. In fact, as the artist began it, my words were, “My dad is gonna kill me!” Bryan laughed, the tatoo guy looked at me a bit strangely but we kept going. I keep looking at my foot, thinking, “Did I really do that? I can’t believe it.”

After it was done, we went by my old office. Can I just say that I worked with an AMAZING group of people? To this day, I do not feel like an outsider there. I walk in and am greeted by my friends. I am asked when I am coming back or if I miss working there. It still feels like I just took a few days off. And yet, it has been a whole year since I called Krissy to tell her that I would not be in because Natalie fell in the pool and I did not know what was happening. I could hear the fear in her voice that day. I knew that they were all praying for me, supporting me, hoping with me. Many came by the hospital. They brought by gifts, food, cards, and hugs. They are another branch in my family tree. It was wonderful to see them today, talk and share my girls with them.

We ran a few more errands today, visited a few friends, and ate yummy Mexican food for dinner. Now we are home, remembering and having a pretty good night. Tears still fill my eyes constantly. My thoughts are constantly on my girls, my Natalie, how my life has changed and where we are now.

It has really been a pretty good day, all things considered. I have done all I wanted to. Here are a few photos from today and the last few weeks that I am loving tonight (just downloaded my camera!). Please keep us in your prayers over the next week. It will be hard. It will be full of tears, sorrow, joy, wonder, and time with my Lord. We need each of you, no matter how we met. You help us get through each day. And we thank you.

* * * * * * * * * *

One year ago today, I was in Iraq thinking everything was fine. I had not talked to Hillary in a day or so, but I was getting ready to call later on that night. For me, it was early in the morning on the 25th. I was sitting there with every body talking about things like we always did. Hayli was talking to Jason and things just didn’t seem right about it. She talked to him longer than usual and didn’t tell me about the conversation. This was unusual, for her not to tell me anything. She also looked a little off and stunned. I tried to figure out what was going on. Then a couple of minutes later my Senior Enlisted Leader and my Officer in Charge walked in together and asked to see me privately. I knew this was not good because I had been through that before. But I could not think of what it might be. None of my family was sick. Immediately I was scared. When they told me what happened, I could not believe it. I was in shock. I would like to share with you, something I have never shared with anybody. That night, I started a journal of sorts in my notebook that I have kept for the last year. It has work stuff, but when I need to, I have written in it. I want to share the first entry of that night with you.

25 Oct (Iraqi time) Just found out Natalie fell into the pool and that she is in critical condition. This is the worst day of my life. I can not begin to describe how I feel. I am numb and can’t believe this has happened. The last time I saw her, she was a very active and bubbly 1 yr old. Now I can’t imagine her lying there with tubes in her. I am struggling with this because I keep having images of her playing and then falling the pool. I try not to because I have a long trip and I need to be strong to get back home.

These were my thoughts the day I found out. I then had to get on several planes and try to make my way back home. I can never say enough for those I was deployed with. They were amazing and so supportive. They did what they needed to get me home and get me there quickly. I was home the next night. It was amazing and I will never be able to thank them enough. I will share some more of that journal with you all soon. It has been a year and I am ready now.

After Hillary told me what she wanted to name the blog, I wrote this poem.

My heart bleeds
in a Downpour of Rain;
I look up
but all I see is pain.
Getting through
is a Daily Task;
Love and peace
one day at last.
I’ll see my little girl;
Then and only then will I have no pain.
For we will be together and there will be no Downpour of Rain.

Thank you all for your support over the last year. We could not have done it without you.
Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, our sassy Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and our ever growing Allison

untitled

2008-10-23T20:33:00.002-04:00

Oh my…if someone told me one year ago what we were about to experience, I think I would have run screaming in the other direction. If someone told me that tomorrow I would hear quite possibly the worst news of my life, I would have laughed at them in fear of the possibility. If someone told me to enjoy every hug and kiss and moment because it was just about the last one, I would have told them I do even when I knew that I flew through them because there was always something more to do. And I would have thought, “Yeah right…it won’t happen to me.” Unfortunately, it did.

The hurricaine is here. The wind is blowing today, literally and figuratively. I have been in a yucky funk the last few days. I have avoided the phone, I have avoided seeing people. I have avoided life. I can feel the darkness that surrounds the next few days. I find myself surrendering to it, even when I don’t want to. I want to be happy. I want to remember her life, not just wallow in the sorrow of her death.

For the last week, I have been able to remember what happened one year ago on that date. For example, on the 23rd I went to work, the kids when to Sue’s, we came home and met Stacy and Brayden for dinner at Chick-fil-a. It was kids night…kids get a free kids meal with each adult combo. It was the cheap way for us to go out. Natalie ate some of mine, Emily’s was free. Stacy held Natalie a lot of the time. I should have. It was our last meal together. We then went home and began our nightly routine. I was tired. I contemplated whether I should call in to work the next day. And I decided that I would decide in the morning. That was it…our last day together, my last goodnight to her. Natalie always co-slept so we snuggled that night. If I had only known…I would have hugged her tighter. If I had known this would be the last time she was in our home, in our bed, in our lives awake. If I had only taken one more picture of her, I would have just one more memory that would not fade in time.

I know. I cannot dwell in the what-ifs. I have so many of them. But they always creep in when I remember. Most of the time I prefer to keep them to me. The what-ifs make me cry. Really anything makes me cry right now. I miss her. Plain and simple, I miss my Natalie. I cannot even describe the depth of my hurt. It is dark and it hurts like a heart attack. It does not go away if I lie down and take a nap. It does not go away when I dive into some project. It does not go away. It just hurts, badly. No matter how the outside changes, no matter how much we grow and change, I don’t think my inside will ever forget. Even years down the road, many more that the mere year that we have lived through, the pain in my chest reminding me of my sweet girl will remain.

We will get through this. With God’s grace, we will survive. His grace is perfect. He is my hiding place. I know I am safe in His embrace, shielded by his love and peace. And I am spending lots of time with Him these days. Every morning on the way to take Emily to school, when I get home while Alie is napping, before bed, these are my moments with Him. I have worship CDs in the car, two (yes, two) bibles next to my chair, and study books in my bedroom. I have thrown myself in to this, drinking in all that I can. I keep looking for all the answers. I know they are there. I know He will reveal them to me. I just have to wait for His timing.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
And of course I am LIVING on my verse, John 13:7.
“Jesus replied, “You do not know now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

A glimpse of what is to come

2008-10-20T09:27:00.003-04:00

She visited me last night. It was an amazing dream. I loved every minute, every moment that I held Natalie. I loved every conversation I had with her. I did not want to wake.

About 1 week ago, I realized something that was very difficult to accept. I had just joined facebook and reconnected with my best friend from elementary school when we lived in Kentucky. I am so happy to have found her and we already have plans to meet up at christmas. When my sister was directing me to her profile, she described it by using her name listed (she is married now) and the picture on her profile. It is a picture of her 3 beautiful blond babies! They are not really all babies, but you get the idea. I found it, was looking at her kiddos, and I realized that this is a picture that I will not have. I cannot take a picture with all three of my children in it together. I am having a hard time grasping that there is no way for me to make this happen. I can put things of Natalie's in the picture, I could photoshop Nat in or Alie into a picture, but we wil never have all three girls in front of a photographer fighting to get them to smile all at the same time. I have cried over this revelation. I am sure the emotion is a combination of the truth, my hormones, and the time of the year. But wow...I was floored by this. Bryan calmly hugged me and told me that we would do our best to get all three girls in a picture together. He tried...but the truth is still there.

So back to my visit with my girl. I was holding Natalie and Bryan walks into the room with Emily and Alie. That's right, in my dream I had all three girls together. It was amazing! Of course what do I do...pull out the camera! We took lots of pictures of the three girls and I woke up right after this. There is a piece of me that wishes it was real. That the picture of my three children was real. This morning, I am happy. I held and loved on my girl. I go to take the picture of my dreams in my dreams. I was able to share Alie with Natalie. We had another moment together as a family. It was a good dream. And I have now seen a glimpse of what is to come. One day, I will get to have all of us together...and I will get my picture.

till later...

When fear and faith collide

2008-10-18T20:07:00.003-04:00

We are in the midst of the last firsts. I don’t know how I feel yet about this. I am comfortable (if you can call it that) with the firsts. First ___________ without Natalie here…you enter the event. I guess it is because it keeps it fresh. It makes it seem as though she has not been gone long at all. But really…a year is a long time. I have always thought that Bryan’s 6-month deployments were long. They are NOTHING compared to this! A year, it just seems so long, so final. One year ago, on October 14th, Bryan left for that deployment. You know, the deployment where he had that horrible conversation that told him of Natalie’s accident. I remember the day he left perfectly. We took lots of pictures. Our last family picture as the four of us, Bryan, Hillary, Emily and Natalie was taken that day by us squatting down and resting the camera (with a timer on it) on his bags. We said our goodbyes, and then the girls and I followed his bus out of the base gate towards the airport. We turned off to go to the zoo (it was military appreciation day and therefore free) but never made it because the girls fell asleep in the car and I had the wrong shoes on. I wish now that we had gone to the airport with him. I wish now that we had a bit more time…that day and with Natalie.

The Pumpkin Patch trip went well. It was HARD to be there this year. The memories are still so vivid for me. Last year, I took a day off from work. Bryan was off as well. It was Columbus Day. We met some friends there. We took hay rides, we played on the hay bales in the middle of the play area. We played on the swingsets. We petted the animals at the petting zoo. We picked out pumpkins. We took LOTS of pictures. This year was no different. Except that Natalie was not here. She was so missed. When we got to the playground area, the swing that she got on last year was still there. I have great pictures of her swinging on that swing. Thankfully, the tire swing was not there. I think it would have been very hard to see that. She loved the tire swing last year. When we were on the hay ride, I could picture the photographs that we took of the kiddos as we were riding around. All I could think was that we should have been taking similar pictures. We should be watching Julia and Jackson and Natalie run around and terrorize the chickens. But we were not. Alie slept in the Maya Wrap on me the whole time. She was a happy girl. We took a picnic lunch. After, we picked out pumpkins. Really, Emily picked out pumpkins. And we came home with three, one for each girl. We made it through the first trip back without Natalie. Somehow…

We have also received our Newborn photos back from Jessica Riehl. They are fabulous as always. I am so thankful for them and for her. Jess’s eye is amazing and captures everyone perfectly. She even made my eyes sparkle in one picture. I did not know they had any sparkle left in them. But she found it. I am glad we took these…I don’t want to miss a single moment.

We are preparing for the next few weeks. The days get harder as they come. My hurricaine is strengthening sooner this month. I cry more. I remember more. I wish for lots more. I fear her angel-versary. I fear how it will go. I fear how I will feel. I fear how we will each react and how we will survive as a family. But I have faith. And I have learned that my faith will get me through. It has gotten me this far and I know I have a ways to go! He will hold me when my fear and my faith collide. And He will hold me up so my faith will prevail. I know that we all will be in the palm of His hand.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my rightous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Good night all. I leave you with the very last family picture we took as Bryan was heading to the plane for Iraq last October. This is one of my favorites!

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie and Allison

Oh, Please....get me through this day

2008-10-13T08:45:00.002-04:00

I went to wake Emily up this morning.

Me: Wake up sweet girl!
Em: mmmmm....
Me: You have to wake up so we can go to the pumpkin patch with your friends today. We are going to pick out a pumpkin, go on a hay ride...and your friends are going to be there with us.
Em: ...but not Natalie...

What do I do? How will I do it? Pray that I don't cry my way through today....

til later....

Part two

2008-10-04T20:58:00.009-04:00

I am a bit better. I am not quite as sad today. It took a bit to get going, but we got there today. We ran errands. I even got to go to the store and Michaels sans children! That was a nice change. These are the days when I know that my Lord rescues me and heals me. These are the days when I know he is carrying me through this journey. So, I want to share all the pictures that I did not get to the other night. It did not feel quite right to put these in with my ramblings. But it feels right now!

Alie's first crop! She will be a scrapbooker one day too!

My first opportunity to hold my niece. Boy, does that sound nice! I have a niece!!!

Emily playing with Mark's oldest son, Jacob. One of the best reasons to visit Kimmie and Mark...there is always someone to play with. They just aren't always Emily's age. :)

Anna Kathryn and Alie playing on the floor. Anna Kathryn was so intrigued by Alie's ears, but Alie seemed worried by all the ear pulling!

All three girls dressed in their silk Chinese dresses. They were beautiful and we realized then that pictures would not always be the easiest to take!

The first picture for mom and dad of their girls and grandgirls! We are missing one who was so missed on this trip, but we know she was nearby. She is, after all, Anna Kathryn's angel.

The Wannalls...'nuff said. Wish the boys were in it too, but someone had to take the pictures!

And last for tonight, my beautiful amazing grown-up 4-year-old. This was after I got Emily ready for school on Wednesday. She looked so cute and could not pass up the photo op! Gosh, I love her!!

Good night!

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie and Allison

The Eye of the Storm

2008-10-02T23:02:00.004-04:00

As I sit here at 11pm eating Cheetos, drinking yummy sweet tea, and thinking of all that I want to say....I fear it will not all come out tonight. I am finding it hard to find the time to write as I want to. Now my mind is clogged with all that I want to get out of it. I know part of it will come out tonight and there will be a part two to follow.

I feel like we are in the eye of the storm. It was so windy and choppy and rainy and yucky a few days ago. This month on the 30th it was so hard! We arrived home from a fabulous weekend, one that was so happy and full of joy. We arrived home and immediately re-entered reality. We went to court on Tuesday. There is more resolution to the case the state brought after Natalie's accident. I am happy for that. We have asked since day 1 that it be a misdemeanor only. And finally they took our request to heart. The bad part of it all was that we were there on the 30th. It is such a hard day and this made it harder.

The first was not much easier. The story was on the news, on the radio and in the paper. It is hard to listen to her name and what happened. It is even harder in print. Thankfully, it was only for one day and now it has died down again. I really want to tell the media that while I understand their want to pass on news, I wish they could leave my daughter out of it. Just not use her name. Don't tell where we live. After getting through this, I ran into one of Nat's nurses from the hospital. It was so good to see her and I was a bit shocked that she remembered me after a year (I guess I left a lasting impression!). Then I had to go to the dentist and it took 3...yes 3...shots to numb my mouth to get a filling done! Today my cheek is so sore!!
Today has been better. The baby did not nap much this morning...so we had lots of cuddle time! I needed it. This evening, the girls and I went to Disney on Ice with Shannon and Jackson. The kids had a blast! Emily was even lamenting that she missed Tinkerbell as we left. She wanted to go back in to see her again. She still does not understand why we can't go back in and see it all over again. Sigh.

Now here I sit....wondering how I will get through this month. Wondering how I can make October fun and happy. Wondering how I will get through the last week of the month. Wondering how I make it through the rest of my life, honor my sweet baby, remember her, and not fall apart several times a day. I feel like I am in the eye of the storm, waiting for the wall to come through with harder rain, stronger winds, and a force that will knock me to my foundation. This is how each month feels, with the first wall coming through on about the 4th of the month (after all the pertinent dates) and the second wall hitting hard on the 24th. We get a hurricaine, the same hurricaine, every month. So far, they are still catagory 5 ones. We live through the devestation every time. And each month we rebuild, hoping that the next will arrive with a bit less wind. I still want the rain. I enjoy the downpour. I do everything I can to look up and drink in each drop. I want to remember her. I don't want to forget anything. But when the wind knocks me down...that is what gets me. Today, one of my best friends asked me, "how are you." My response was, "I got out of bed." That was as good as it got today. The girls were dressed and fed. Emily made it to school. We even went to the park after school and made it to Disney on Ice. Now, here I sit, eating Cheetos and drinking tea, writing all that I have been thinking for days. Here I sit wanting this wall to end so I can live through the month and prepare for the eye to pass. But this month is differet. I don't know how I will make it. I can't figure it out.

We are starting to talk about how we will spend the day. Bryan and I want to make it a special day, to celebrate the life of our special baby girl. We want to spend the day remembering her smile, her laugh, her smell, her spunk. It will be a sad day, a day full of tears. But we also want it to be happy. When we figure our activities out fully we will share them. But not yet.

There is still time for the rain to begin again.

"God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
Matthew 6:34

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

Good night all. I am off to dream, to cuddle, and to find my way out of bed tomorrow.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

Welcome home Anna Kathryn BoDi Kovach!

2008-09-28T14:28:00.006-04:00

Here they are....the pictures tell it all. We had an amazing night/morning. They finally arrived home at 12:30am today after almost 30 hours of travel! It was similar to a wedding...takes a lot of prep and planning, then the actual moment is just that, a moment. But what a beautiful moment!

Here are a few picture for you to drool on. We are drooling on her.

Anxiously Waiting!

AK, Kimmie, me and Alie (you can't see her in the sling but she is there)

AK checking Alie out...I think they like each other!

Nana, PopPop, and Emily greeting AK.

Welcome home baby girl! We love you!

Brutal Honesty

2008-09-24T20:33:00.006-04:00

I am sad tonight. It has been a rough day. It has been 11 months since I held Natalie, fed her, slept with her cuddled up next to me. This is not easy. And, of course, it is windy and cold and will rain for the next several days.

But I do have the love and fiestiness of my Emily to keep me on my toes. And I have a daughter who only wants to nurse and cuddle today. Alie is pure bliss right now, knowing that I just need to cuddle too.

She needs me now and I need her too. So I will post what is in my head soon...but for now, I leave you with glimpses of my beautiful family. Enjoy!

It's Alabama Football Season!

Feeding Alie her first bottle. Yes, she actually drank it!!

Cuteness at its best today!

Josi the cat is actually bigger than the baby...what is wrong with that sentence?!?

Big stretches after a good nap cuddling with Mommy.

the nakedness of my words...

2008-09-15T22:11:00.002-04:00

I was first exposed to childhood death 4 years ago. After Emily was born, I became a member of an online group of people with children born at the same time. That May I learned of a family whose firstborn little girl was diagnosed with Leukemia, AML to be exact. Her prognosis was grim, but her mother was determined to help her baby girl, love her, and give her the best life possible. And she chose to share it on the internet with those of us that had begun to follow the story and begged for updates. Every day, when I would get to work, I would check for an update from Jenny, hoping they had a good day and night, hoping for good news, and hoping that things had turned around for this baby who was only 9 weeks older than my sweet girl. I prayed diligently for Jenny, praying that she would not have to endure the loss of her baby. That was unimaginable to me. Sadly, Jenny lost her daughter four years ago this past Saturday. Her baby was 8 months and 27 days old. I cried over her loss. I could not imagine how she could possibly make it through something so devestating. I thought that I could never survive something that tragic. On Saturday, she posted that she was having a bad day. If I knew her personally, I would have tried to help in any way I could. I would have brought dinner, sent flowers, called her just to say that I missed her too. But I only know her over the internet. Although it feels as though we have been friends for years, I only know her through her words, her honesty and nakedness that she shares on her blog.

Now here I sit, facing the same emotions, thinking that I cannot imagine coming upon the day we lost Natalie four years later. Honestly, I cannot imagine the day that 14 months and 13 days passes since we last kissed Nat Nat. Then, she would have been gone longer than she was with us. It will happen in January and I am sure that it will not be a very good day for me. I never thought that I would know first-hand what it was like to bury my child. Now, I know exactly how Jenny feels, how she felt. Her posts make so much sense to me. Not only can I imagine her daughter looking and acting similarly to Emily, but I understand the emptiness and grief that she faces everyday. Today, I learned of another mother who lost her son, born just 8 days before Alie, to sepsis after severe kidney problems since birth. I am grieving for her tonight. I am hopeful that she knows my God, the One who has carried our family through this, the One who has given us peace and understanding. Her name is Tina, I do not know where she lives, but I know our Lord does. And I am sure He is holding each tear that falls in the palm of His hand, just as He has done for me.

Can you tell I am struggling? Can you tell I miss her? Can you tell that I want nothing more than to have her home with us? Yet I know that she is so happy right now. I know she misses me too. And I know she watches over us daily, from the moment we lost her. I know she shows us that she is still in our hearts, loving us. I know because I feel her presence, from ladybug sitings, to Anna Kathryn’s birthdate, to the amazing way that Alie tugs at my heart by making some of the exact same faces that Nat did. Alie and Nat look so much alike. It is wonderful and hard all at the same time.

This past week I had to start the hard task of changing Natalie’s room into Alie’s room. It will always have pieces of Nat in it, but it needs to be Alie’s space as well. Two of my sweetest and best friends helped me with this chore. I know it was hard for them as well. I would not doubt that they each went home and cried after leaving my house. But I am so grateful that they could help. I am still not ready to take Nat’s clothes out of the closet. Or take her calendar off the wall. It still shows October. It seems so definitive then. And I fell apart after they left. Her room is not complete. There are things that I want to do to make it Alie’s room. And Nat’s clothes are out of the dresser, but there are some still in the closet. I have to finish that task. But I know that I will make it through this as well. I know my Lord will carry me, Bryan, Emily and Allison through this journey. We will never get past it…we will simply journey through it.

This month marks 11 months since we lost our Nat Nat. This month also marks the day that Kimberly and Mark bring home my niece, Anna Kathryn. Right now, they are preparing to meet AK for the very first time, hold her, hug her, and express the amazing amount of love they have for her. They will get home during my “hard week”. And we will be standing at the airport. All of us will be there. I know Natalie will be there as well. She and my lord, my comforter, gave us Anna Kathryn…making her the perfect match for our family. And I will praise Him. Even when I am hitting the bottom again, wondering still why this all happened, I will praise Him. Because I know He will catch each tear that falls, He will mend my heart a bit more, and He will show me the perfection of His unconditional love. You see, God is good, all the time. And I will remember this, praise him for this, and lean on it each time I begin to doubt. Because I know He will show me the way back up from the bottom. He gives me the gift of being able to express all that I feel through writing here. I don’t think I could do it without Him.

Good night all.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie and Allison

An eventful week and counting...

2008-09-08T22:23:00.005-04:00

It has been a rough week and a half. Our delivery was perfect. Alie is beautiful. Emily is adjusting so well that I often wonder if it should be this easy with her. But my recovery...that is another story.

I have had 3 c-sections now. I know the list of complications. I understand what each means. But I managed to get the one complication that was NOT on the list and I was not prepared for. I knew something was wrong when I was still counting the hours until the next motrin and strategically spacing my tylenol apart from it so I would not have to take any narcotics for pain. I knew that my pain level should have been so much better. But I was not really sure there was a problem until this past Thursday. I woke up and realized that my incision was bleeding, alot. I was very scared and waited for Bryan to come back into the room where he confirmed what I thought. We had a problem.

I had one of my best friends check it out for me (don't worry, she does this for a living) and she agreed that I had to be seen by my doctor. Somehow I managed to get into my doctor within 2 hours of calling and we got the news. I had a hematoma. It was not good. It had to be drained. They had to reopen my incision. It was going to hurt. I was scared. I am a wimp when it comes to pain. I knew this was not going to be pretty.

Then we were told that I would have to have home health come and pack it twice daily through the weekend. Yuck. And I was not allowed to go anywhere or do anything. Yuck, again! It was gonna be a long weekend.

Today, I went back to my doctor to decide what we would do next. I told her I had to be able to travel in 2 weeks. So she closed my incision back up. Again, I do not like pain! And that hurt. I am back on day one healing wise instead of day 11. And I still can't do anything. I never thought I would look forward to vaccuuming or doing the laundry or cleaning the bathroom so much!

Hopefully, this is the last of the difficulties and I will be healed quickly so we can get on to the next event....Anna Kathryn's arrival! Yes, Kimberly, my sister, and her husband Mark will be traveling to China this Thursday to meet their baby girl! My parents are meeting the 2 newest grandbabies within a month of each other. We are all ecstatic at the baby growth our family is having. So, on September 27th, we will all be standing in the Charlotte Airport to greet Mark and Kimberly and Anna Kathryn! I cannot wait!!!! Emily is excited, Bryan is excited, and I think even Alie is excited. She will be keeping a log of their trip and you can follow her story here .

Emily also has had a great week. She had her first day of 4 year old preschool last week and her first day of ballet this week. Want to see how cute she is? Here you go!!

That is all for now....we are getting by. I am amazed daily at how much Alie looks like Natalie. And she has so many of the same facial expressions. I think Nat is saying hello everytime Alie gives me one of those looks. I can certainly hope that she is checkin out her sister over my shoulder.

Goodnight all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

More pictures of the girl

2008-09-05T21:28:00.004-04:00

So, I had to share more...we are so enjoying our girls right now. Alie had her first checkup today and is doing wonderfully. She lost some weight in the hospital but is back up to 8lbs 6ozs. She is a happy girl, except for when she wants to eat. Then she gets pretty bossy. Like right now....gotta go, but here is a bit more eye candy for you to love on!

Daddy and his daughter watching Alabama beat Clemson...Roll Tide!!

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

Baby Alie is here!

2008-09-02T21:45:00.007-04:00

Well, after months of anticipation, Alie is here! She arrived on 8/28/08 at 8:47 am. She is absolutely perfect in every way! She was 8lbs 15.4ozs, our smallest baby yet!! She is 20.5 inches long. She looks just like her sisters. We are so in love with her, enjoying every sleepless moment of our nights. Emily adores her, kissing her as much as possible and being so helpful. I have to admit, it is hard. She looks like Emily and Natalie and it is difficult to know that Natalie is not here to enjoy her as well. I held it together for the last 6 days, but tonight it got the best of me. Bryan had to just hold me and listen to my random momentary issues.

But through all the difficulty, through all the memories...we have a beatiful baby girl. Please welcome our third daughter, Allison Hope, to your lives, your prayers, and your hearts.

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

The Birthday Girl

2008-08-18T23:41:00.002-04:00

It is late and I should be heading to bed instead of sitting down just now to my computer with a thousand thoughts in my head, all of which are the same as yesterday and the day before. But today they are stronger, more promenant, more sad, more everything. Two years ago, Bryan and I were in the hospital staring at our sweet baby girl. She was 12 hours old and we were in love with every inch of her. We had shared our news with all that we knew and Nat was known throughout the ward, because babies that are almost 11 lbs are big news! She was nursing like a champ and I was trying to figure out how I was going to get some sleep. She was perfect in every way and she stole our hearts that day.

Two years later, I sit here, having just finished a big piece of cake in memory of my sweet girl. I sit here, wishing the cake had candle holes, that we had hosted a party this weekend (that Emily would have wanted to be a tinkerbell party) and we were still cleaning up the reminants of toy boxes and twist ties that released a whole new crop of toys into our lives. I would be unpacking the 2T clothing that I just packed up for the attic. My family would have just left to head home after a weekend of celebration. And right now I would probably be going to sleep, thankful for a few moments of peace and quiet without a child in my lap. I would check on my babies, making sure they were sleeping soundly and head off to a comfortable slumber myself.

Instead of the wonderful scenario I want, I have a new one. One that is still hard to live with. One that still makes me cry everyday. One that makes me want to stay in bed, not answer the phone, not use my perky voice, and not have to face reality. So, here I sit, knowing that my days begin and end with thoughts of my sweet baby girl. I know she is happy. I know she is whole. I know she is perfect. But I wish….oh how I wish for so much.

Today has been a lemon kind of day. Totally sour, needing some sweetner, hoping for a straw and maybe a few strawberries to be added to it. I hid in bed as long as I could. I ate whatever I wanted because who was going to tell me otherwise. I went shopping (and sadly walked away from Target having only spent $12). I went to my CM unit meeting and did my best to focus. Then I went to the store, got a cake with buttercream icing and balloons on it and came home to my family. I have spent today knowing it was not going to be a good one. But really….it has been full of memories and that makes it wonderful.

I miss her badly…more than I can give words to. I cannot imagine that this is really a short period of time and I will have so much more in heaven with her. It is not an easy concept and I struggle with it daily. Truth be told…I question every bit of belief I have more often than I want to admit to. But I know He is the one who will dry my tears and give me a peaceful rest tonight. He is the one who had helped me through today, knowing that it has not been a good one. He is the one who will show me that tomorrow can be good, despite my broken heart. And He is the one who will help Alie come into this world happy and healthy, showing us that we can love this sweet baby and that our new normal will have lots of happy moments.

But for today…I miss my girl. I wish I was cuddling with her now. I wish she were here eating cake with me. I wish today was easier. But I know that today I have loved her, remembered her, and done what I can to keep her alive in our family. This is what I know….just does not make it easier.

At the time of Natalie’s birth today, 10:37am, I wrote her a note and posted it on Caringbridge. I am adding it to this as well….

Happy 2nd birthday to our sweet, red-headed, green-eyed, mischevious, stubborn, loving, adorable, fabulous baby girl! I miss you most, especially today. Don't worry, we will have cake here as well....make sure you get a piece with lots of icing. I know that is your favorite part!!
Miss you most!
Love,
Mommy, Daddy, and your sisters Emily and Alie

I miss her most. We all miss her most. She will forever be my sweet 14 month old baby. She will forever be my boogsie, my cuddler, and my second-born. Happy birthday, sweet girl!

Good night all…I am off to meet my girl in my dreams. I am off the bed, with my last thought of the day being about her after my day was started by thoughts of Nat.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby birthday girl Natalie, and Alie

~I was going to put some pictures on here....but they are not uploading. I will try to add them tomorrow.

My beautiful family

2008-08-06T22:25:00.006-04:00

Last week, we had a photo session with one of my favorite photographers and her assistant who happens to be one of my great friends. I love Jessica Riehl Photography and how Jess captures each moment. And Ryall is so fabulous and whimsical and everything I am not! So we headed out to do some pics of my large belly and our family together. A few evenings ago, I received the first preview from Ryall's camera, unedited but beautiful. I had not had a chance to post it on here, so it will be the first one you see.

I loved on this picture throughout my trip to MN, even showing it to everyone who would stand still. Aren't Emily's eyes just stunning? I am certainly in love with them!

This evening, I received an email from Jess with a few more pictures. I am sure you will see why I love her photography style so much! Check out her website and blog. If you go to the galleries and look through, you will find another picture of Emily, taken back in November. I am sure you will fall in love with her photography as quickly as I did.

And can I just say that there is something about a 4 year old in a twirly skirt (that is Em's description) that could make anyone have a good day? I am loving the skirt, I am loving my photos, I am loving my family, and I am loving these memories. Thanks, Jess and Ryall, you both are fabulous and I love you!!!

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

Big Laughs and a Big Baby Bump

2008-08-05T21:48:00.006-04:00

I have returned home from my trip and I have a few pictures to share with you. But first, let me tell you about my trip. I went to Minneapolis, Minnesota. Yes, I had permission to travel and even fly there. And yes, it was SO worth it. I went to Creative Memories National Convention. And I know the next question you have is why when I am so close to delivering. Here is the story.

Nine months ago, when we lost Natalie, I was done. At the time, my CM business was steady, I had 3 girls on my team, and I was happy even though I wanted more. A few days after we said goodbye, I told Shannon that I was done. I had no clue how to help people preserve their memories when it felt like I would never be able to look at pictures again without crying. I did not think I could complete another one of my albums and I certainly could not expect my customers to do something I was not even doing myself. I thought that this was big enough to end my career. So I told her not to expect too much from me. She smiled at me, told me that it was ok, and then I decided I would just let it ride. If I deactivated, so be it. If I maintained what I was doing already, that was ok too. But I could not give it any extra attention as my focus was our family and dealing with our tremendous loss. I let it be about me and not the mission that I believe in wholeheartedly. And that was that.

So, I maintained my sales and continued my workshops. I planned a weekend away, hoping that I could get some done and get back into the habit. I had 10 customers there. I was happy. But then, when we offered the CM business opportuntity to the group at the weekend away, something happened. I signed a new consultant and one of my downline signed 2 of her own. I now had 6 people on my team and was beginning the process of promoting to the first level of leadership in CM. And that night my passion for what I love came back. I felt like I could achieve this. I wanted it again. I had not felt that way since we lost Nat Nat. And it felt good.

Over the next several months, my team worked hard and diligently to complete all the requirements we needed to in order to promote as a team. And, on June 1st, I promoted to the title of Unit Leader with Creative Memories. Now my goal was to make it to Showcase. You see, at Showcase, they make a HUGE deal out of each promotion to a leadership level. I wanted to be there. I wanted to walk stage, proud of what we had accomplished, proud of what I had strived to achieve personally. I had to go. Nothing was going to stop me...except maybe my doctor.

So, at my 2 appointments with my doctor in July, I basically begged her to let me go. She agreed to run all the necessary tests to make sure that Alie and I were healthy enough to travel. But she reserved the right to tell me no even up to the day of travel. I agreed and we began blood draws, untrasounds, and other tests to make sure I would not go into labor. Sure enough, just 3 days before I was to board a plane, she gave me a letter stating that I was not in any danger of Pre-Term Labor and I could go! I was thrilled.

I drank lots of water (which resulted in lots of trips to the bathroom!) and kept my feet up as much as could. Bryan took leave to be home with Emily while I was gone. I packed my bags and boarded the flight. I got to participate in all the leader activities like early entry to marketplace (CM shopping), leadership meeting, a new unit leader reception, and the leadership banquet which had a 50s theme. I could not find a maternity poodle skirt anywhere, so I opted for the white top and black capris. We had a great time and I loved all the extras as a leader!!

We had great training and lots of laughs. We ate yummy food and barely slept. But the best part was the last night. Sunday night was closing banquet and then closing ceremonies. Sunday night was my moment to shine in the CM world, walk across stage and be proud of my journey, from a terrible tragedy to a great triumph, and remind myself of why I do this. As a consultant, I am asked fairly frequently why I do what I do. After Natalie's accident, I knew for sure. It was for us to remember how to smile, for Emily to remember her sister, and for us to work through our grief. It will also be the only way that Alie knows her sister, Natalie. They will not meet until Alie gets to heaven and she is not going any time soon!! I have to give her those memories through ours. I have to share Natalie's story, however short, because she is worth it. And I have an outlet through our albums to smile, to cry, to get mad at where it ends, and to rejoice in her beginning. Walking that stage in front of 4100+ CM consultants plus the Home Office staff was just what I wanted. And I wanted somehow to share my why.

Some people with CM know our story. Some were told when lots of emails went out for prayers, some were told when my upline notified home office of what happened. Some are on my team, and I have met some at meetings and trainings. So, for those people, the statement I made while crossing the stage was so meaningful. For others, it just showed my love of the mission. But it was a statement that I am happy I did. And it caused a room full of 4100+ to say "This is my why" in unison as I came out from backstage. So, here is a picture of what happened....it really says it all.

It was a perfect, waddle walk. I am so glad I did it. I doubt I will have the chance again. I heard our group cheering and had to pose for a few hundred pictures from other consultants. I guess I will be in a few more scrapbooks than my own this year. But, this is my why. I have chosen to use this as an opportunity to help my family so that I can stay home with Emily and with Alie. I have chosen to continue our scrapbooks so Alie can see what a great big sister Natalie was. And I have chosen to share our story so others can know that God is good, He will carry you, and you will go on, albeit changed, but there will be lots of smiles and laughs, expecially when there is a big baby bump involved.

Good night all~

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, our big girl Emily, our angel baby Natalie, and our sweet Alie

My Natalie Necklace

2008-07-29T22:18:00.005-04:00

I am tired and want to post but really want to go to bed. So I will leave you with this, a photo of my Natalie Necklace. I have been trying to find the perfect one, with the help of friends and family, and this is it! I decided that I wanted a necklace that reminded me of her and the happy life she led. I love it, Bryan loves it, Emily really loves it, and it arrived just in time for my trip out of town this weekend and for some fabulous pictures we took today. If you love it, you can get your own at www.planetjill.com.

The good, bad, and in between

2008-07-25T23:04:00.002-04:00

Oh my, what an interesting 2 weeks. It has been up and down and even a bit sideways. And I am doing my best to look up.
On Sunday, July 13th, my sister and brother-in-law received the phone call that they have been waiting for over 2 years. Their adoption agency called to say, “We have a baby for you”. Music to their ears!! Sweet Anna Kathryn will be a part of our family soon. And I am so excited. I am excited at the thought of being an aunt, a real aunt. I am excited that Emily will have a younger cousin to play with. And I am excited that Anna Kathryn and Alie will be a mere 10 months apart in age. They will play so well together and I cannot wait. The most special part of this story…Anna Kathryn and Natalie will have something in common as well. I have wanted there to be something between them and it is such a neat thing. Anna and Nat share a date. The day that Anna Kathryn was discovered in a basket at an orphanage was the very day that we were celebrating Natalie’s life. November 3rd was a bad day here for our family as we held Natalie’s service to celebrate her life. November 3rd is Anna Kathryn’s birthday. Coincidence? I think not! I have a feeling that our sweet Nat and our faithful Lord were having a chat that day, trying to figure out how to dry some of our tears. I think they decided together that Anna Kathryn was the perfect way to cheer us up. And I cannot wait to meet her. It will be 2-5 months before she comes home and we all are anxiously awaiting that day. It will be so good, so refreshing.

Then I received some tragic news the very next day. Friends of my parents were contacted by a family that had just lost their son, a 21 month old baby, to a pool accident. The family is devestated. We are devestated for them. As I heard their story, my heart broke for them. We were there just 8 months earlier. We lived those moments. We felt each emotion they were now feeling. And we are praying so desperately for them to find peace in this horrible situation. I do not know this family personally, although I do know their names. I know that some of the events surrounding his accident are similar to ours. I know that their family has some similarities to ours. I know that their sweet boy was born just 2 months after Natalie’s birth. And I pray desperately that we are able to help guide them through these moments. They are so difficult, so devestating, so draining, and so overwhelming. But, here I sit, 9 months later, seeing that tears still flow readily but so do smiles. I know that I am terrified for tomorrow yet I cannot wait for it to be revealed to me. I know that God has a plan, we will prosper in Him, and He will guide us through. I pray that this family knows this and can live by this as it will get them through the next days and months. Today is 2 weeks since they celebrated the life of their son. I realized shortly after I heard their story that my last post was on the day they said goodbye. My heart was breaking that day. I spent a lot of time praying, reading my bible, and asking for help to see me through. I now wonder if I was grieving for this family as well. To this family…if you are reading this post…please feel free to contact me. I would love to hear all the wonderful memories you have of your sweet baby boy. I am happy to share all I can with you. We are still grieving, but I know that there is comfort is sharing our story. I hope you find this as well.

Since these two events, I have been up and down. One moment I am excited at the impending arrivals of Alie and Anna Kathryn. The next moment I am remembering my baby girl and wishing she were here and excited about Alie with Emily. So here I sit, in my chair, trying to figure out what is next. I feel like I am in limbo…stuck between grief and exciting anticipation. I feel like I am in a desert…wandering, able to see the oasis but not yet able to get there. I know that on Monday we will know the date of Alie’s arrival. I am so excited, yet so scared as well. I am praying HARD for a smooth transition, a safe delivery, acceptance of Alie by Emily, and comfort as we embark on this new journey. I am fearful of the emotions that may return. And I hope that I am able to share all of Natalie with Alie.

That is about it for now…we are holding on. We are living through this, daily, together and managing to hang in.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie and Alie

More tomorrow....

2008-07-24T23:05:00.002-04:00

I am tired....I have a lot to say. This post has been in my head for about a week now. But I am tired, have I mentioned that yet? So, I am going to go to sleep and try to get some rest. That does not come easily for me right now. Tomorrow, when Bryan gets home from his workup for deployment, I will elaborate on the last 2 weeks. There have been lots of ups and downs, lots of praises and prayers. So....I will fill you in, as soon as I get a bit of rest, I find my knees and find the right words to express just what I want to. That is the beauty of a blog. I can write tomorrow when the words will come out right.

Goodnight all.
Love,
Hillary

Lots of tears

2008-07-11T22:51:00.001-04:00

It has been a bad day. I have spent a lot of today crying, hiding in my bed, avoiding the thoughts that will not stop. When I lay down, I cannot help but think of what happened, feelings and emotions we have gone through, sounds we heard, moments that I wish I never experienced. Emily has been great, cuddling when I ask for it and understanding that “mommy doesn’t feel so good today”. I have avoided my phone. We were supposed to go to the pool and did not even make it there. I could not bring myself to do it today. I don’t know why, but today has been one of those days. This has actually been coming on for a week now. I can feel it, the sadness and hurt coming back up to the surface. I think it took this long because we have had a BUSY week. Emily has had swimming lessons, VBS, ballet camp and playgroup. She even had all 4 things on Wednesday. And I have pushed it back down, hiding from the moment that I knew would come up eventually. Avoiding the inevitable, this has been my week. Today, I could not hide anymore. Bryan called from work to check on me and I totally lost it. I was balling and I think I scared him a bit.

So I did what any girl would do. I dropped Emily off at VBS and headed off for a quiet moment at the nail salon I used to frequent for a manicure and pedicure. All was going well. I was relaxing until the girls there started asking about Nat, what was going on still, and how they are amazed at our forgiveness. That was not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to hide, get away from those thoughts. I should have known. It is not really a normal day unless we have talked about Baby Nat Nat at least 12 times. And today, even with my futile efforts to escape it, was no different. But my toes and my fingernails are very pink! And it was good to get a bit of pampering again.

But, oh how I have missed my girl today. Every thought turns to her. My tears have not subsided. And I know there will be one more good cry before I succumb to the sleep my body so desperately needs. Even in bible study this morning I did not say much, simply because every comment I may have offered would have been about Natalie. And she is so important in my life, but this study is not just about me. It is about each woman in that room, struggling in our own ways, getting through each hard moment. I have never thought that my situation is so much worse that anyone elses…it is different. Perception is different for each of us. I get that. But all I really wanted to do was cry through it all. It was good. I enjoyed our study today. And I loved that it touched on one of my favorite verses, John 13:7. This is one of my “I need something to get me through the day and this verse is perfect” verses. Emily has also been talking about her more in the last few days. She will randomly point toward heaven. And when you ask her what she is pointing to, she responds with this quiet (yes, Em can be quiet!) voice, “Natalie”. And I know. I know what she feels, what she is thinking, what she is wishing. I get it, yet I cannot make it better or easier for her. And I do not like that. How I wish that it was easier for her. How I wish it was easier for us.

I can say that I am a different girl. My thoughts are different. My life is different. My relationships are different. My marriage is stronger. My faith is greater. My temper is calmer. My hope is bigger. My love for my family and my God is cemented. My need of things is smaller. My prayers are louder. My face is on the ground in front of my Lord more. And I can thank Natalie for each of these. She brought these changes to me. She walks with me everyday and I know she is kissing my hand, happy that she is still such a big part of our lives. My sweet girl, who lived for such a short time, has taught me more than anyone else. She gave these things to me. I loved her so much before I knew this. And my love has only grown with each of these revelations. And I am thankful for each reminding tear, each memory, each moment we had together. Yes, I wish it was more. But I know it was exactly what was planned for us, just as I know that Alie was planned for us too. She was not really in our plan yet, but we are so excited for our road to digress onto a new path now. This path has a lot of hope for us.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

We are...

2008-07-05T19:25:00.001-04:00

I have come to my computer to write so many times in the last month. And I cannot seem to get my thoughts to paper. This is difficult for me. I have always been able to express my feelings through writing, but now I struggle. There are so many things that are affecting me, I am sure. Bryan just got home from a deployment, his first since Natalie’s accident. He was gone 6 weeks. That was hard. We have just passed the 8 month anniversary of Natalie’s death. I am still in shock that she is even gone, much less that it happened 8 months ago. I have been to the hospital several times for check-ups and lab work. Nothing to worry about…but every trip to the hospital is difficult. Walking in reminds me of walking in the first time. Walking out reminds me of the night we said good-bye. I am thankful that I go to a different floor than the one Natalie was on. We are closer to Alie’s arrival. I will admit…I am scared. I know we will be fine, adjustment will be difficult, and we will be joyful as we grieve. All of these play into what I am feeling, and how I deal with all of this.

While Bryan was gone, Emily and I went on a mini vacation. We ventured to the cabin, Briarpatch, in North Georgia with Mom and Dad, Kimberly and Mark. We had not been there, as a family, in about 15 years so this was well overdue. We had a great visit, Emily ran Kimmie and Mark to exhaustion, and made lots of new memories in a place that holds so many wonderful childhood memories for me. My first trip to the mountains of North Georgia was in October of 1980. I was 2 ½ years old then. And I literally grew up there. Last summer, I took the girls there. It was the first part of a 2 week trip on sharing all my childhood favs with Emily and Natalie. I have to say…that was one of the best decisions of my life. I am sad that Bryan was not able to go with us, but I am so glad that Natalie experienced all of those things before we lost her. Being at the cabin was hard this year. I never thought it would be a place that would bring tears to my eyes but it did this year. I kept thinking of last year, of all the things we did together, places we visited, and I kept thinking that we will share all of it with Alie as well next summer. I don’t know how many times I looked at the pictures to remember what a happy place it really is, despite my sadness this year. I wish Bryan had been there to help me through it, although I know it was important for him to do what he was doing. Thankfully my family was so supportive and understanding. I do have to admit that it was nice being at the cabin. There is no cell service (to speak of), no internet, no TV, just nature and the company with you to keep you busy. It is relaxing. We are planning on going next year, this time with Bryan and Alie joining us. And I cannot wait to share the farm with them. Hopefully the cows will still be there next year…I know Emily will want to share them with Alie. She loves the cows!

Bryan has now been home for a week, and Corey is back as well. It seems that life is getting back to normal, but it is really a strange “new normal” that we are all living now. There is an obvious absence in our midst, one that makes me a little uncomfortable.

Court has also been postponed again. This was difficult to hear. I really want this part to be over. I feel like it just continues to drag and as I prepare to have to listen to the details of the day again, I am crushed again by having to wait. The bad news of all of this…the new date is after Alie arrives and after Bryan will leave for his 6 month deployment. And this whole scenario, which should have been resolved about 2-3 months ago, does not really have an end in sight.

I think yesterday was the hardest though. Last year, we spent the 4th at the cabin, actually at Rib Country eating amazingly wonderful ribs until we exploded. This year we headed to Town Point Park, where we always go to watch fireworks, and it was weird. I spent the whole time thinking about how we never took Nat to see the fireworks, she never went to Town Point for our annual tradition, and that last year was her one and only July 4th. I wanted to cry, hide, change things somehow. I wanted her back. I wanted her to experience that. This year was so similar to 2 years ago. I was pregnant with Nat then and it was Corey’s first year with us. This year we were all back together there, pregnant with Alie this time. So similar, but so very different. I think we all knew that she was missing and she would have loved the lemonade, the singing, playing on the grass, dancing with her sister. Can I just say…this sucks! I have grown to really not like holidays. I am grateful that there are only about a dozen of them. Maybe after the first year and the “she was here last year but now she is not” moments have passed it will get a bit better.

Alie is doing well. We got a peek at her the other day at my check-up. She looks great, weighing about 4 lbs. She is kicking tons, moving all the time, and making it difficult for me to sleep. But, that is how it should be and I am enjoying every moment of this. Next Saturday we are going to do a 3-D untrasound and I cannot wait to check out her chubby cheeks. I am sure they are chubby…both Em and Nat had them so she has little chance of escaping that family trait. Plus, it is an extra look at her and how well she is doing. Emily is excited. When we had Natalie’s 3-D, Emily got scared that they were hurting me and we had a hard time convincing her otherwise. This time, she is so excited to see her. Nine months is a long time to wait when you are 4 years old and she lets us know just about everyday. When I explain that she is too small to come home now and would have to stay at the hospital if she was born now, Emily quickly changes her mind and wants her to stay in my tummy. Officially we are just under 2 months from my due date, but she will be here at the very end of August. It is getting close and we have so much left to prepare for her arrival…we better get busy.

That is about it for now…we are here, we are hanging in, we are surviving. We are excited for the new beginning that will be here shortly and we are grieving still for the lost moments of our sweet baby girl. I guess the best way to say it would be, “We are.” I can start so many sentences with this…and I don’t think that will change anytime soon.

Good night all...
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and our kicking Alie

Freckles and Ladybugs

2008-06-04T22:45:00.002-04:00

There are few things in life that are perfect and can make me smile instantly. I smiled a lot today. Emily and I had lots of reasons to smile. Corey came home after a 7 month deployment. Yeah! Stacy gave birth to her second son, Bryce. Yeah! Emily got to spend 2 hours at the pool with our friends. Yeah! And now I get to enjoy a couple Oreos with a glass of milk. Yum! All of these are wonderful and perfect.

But I noticed a few more things that make me smile. Emily now has tan lines from all the time we are spending together outside and at the pool. I am smiling over this…she has Bryan’s ability to tan!! Not too much of course, but she will not be as pale as I am.

Emily is getting freckles! I love freckles. I hated mine in school, although I did not have a “Jan complex” about them. Now, they are a part of me and I like them. But, I am so excited that Em is getting some. They are on her cheeks just below her eyes and they are adorable. They give her some extra character, not that she really needs extra. Freckles…there was really no way she was going to avoid those, not with me and Bryan as her parents!

And the best part of the day. Corey is home, Emily is following him around like a puppy dog. She missed him like crazy. As he was preparing to head home for his leave and we were getting ready to head out for our evening activities, Emily made a new friend. She followed him outside and got distracted by the cutest little ladybug. She loves them, talks about how they remind her of Nat Nat, and looks for them everywhere. Of course, we usually do not have to look far. They find us. But this one peaked Emily’s curiosity and she began to play with it. She tried to get it to crawl on her hand and finally it climbed up. She squealed, unsure of the tickling it was giving her. She was so happy. When it flew off, she followed it again coercing it climb on her again. This was followed by the same squeal, pure delight coming from my daughter. I was so happy to see her so happy and full of life at that moment. Many of her moments remembering Natalie are somber and hard. But this was so different, so amazing. This one showed me her love for her sister and the memories she has of Nat Nat. This was a perfect moment in my day.

Of course, my mind wondered off to that place where the what if’s come in again. What if Nat was here? Would she be playing with the ladybug? Would she squeal like that, with all the joy her sister showed? Would we have been at home, or would we have been in our old routine? What would be different? We spend a lot of time with our friends, Marc, Maria, Anna and Julia. Julia and Natalie were a mere 4 weeks apart in age. She is an amazing girl, about to turn two. She has an infectious smile, one that makes it so hard for me to turn away. She is inquisitive, hard-headed and wonderfully adorable. She says Emily so sweetly when we come around. She is my constant what if. What if Nat were her age? What if Nat and Julia still played together…would they fight or be incredibly happy together. What would Nat be doing that Julia is? But, I cannot hide my smile when I see her. Because of her, Natalie still gets to grow up with me. I still get those milestones. I still count the days, weeks and months since her birth. And I still count the ones since we said goodbye to her. Maria will get to live vicariously through me and Alie’s birth. And I get the same with her and Julia. I love that and it makes me smile too. I get to remember, wish, and know that I will see these milestones again with Alie. Julia is obsessed with babies right now, pointing out each one so proudly. I hope she is like that with Alie. I will get to see again what Natalie may have been like with her baby sister.

But I know, no matter how she reacts to Alie, she will still make me smile. She will still remind me of my sweet girl.

And smiling will still be a part of my day.

Ps. 55:22 "Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken"

Our New Normal

2008-05-28T22:35:00.003-04:00

I can finally say that the last few days have been good. Emily and I have been busy…lots of outings and loads of fun!

On Saturday we were supposed to go to the new outdoor waterpark at our YMCA. But the weather was cold and we were not willing to chance chilly water and chilly weather. So that was a bust. But I tried out a new babysitter that evening and that went very well! Sue and I made plans to go to the Melting Pot and have dinner. She and I have talked about doing this for a while and I had a coupon for FREE chocolate. It does not get any better than that…we had a fabulous time! We ate, talked, ate some more, talked and had a great time.

On Sunday, we went to church and then headed to the Strawberry Festival in Virginia Beach. For those who do not live here, imagine a county fair with a HUGE emphasis on Strawberries. These are two of my favorite things!! Emily remembers the pony rides from last year and high-tailed it to the ponies. Our friends, Shannon, Brian and Jackson, met us there for a bit. I forgot my camera at home but luckily Shannon brought hers. She graciously offered for me to keep it through the day and document our fun at the festival. After we parted ways, Emily wanted to see the military exhibit. She played on a coast guard boat, sat in a hum-vee, checked out the tent and decided it was time to move on. But I did get a cute picture of her sitting in the hum-vee. We then headed back down the street, because Emily was adamant about getting her face painted. She got to pet a rooster. The man that was holding the rooster had a friend on his shoulder as well. I looked over and found a ladybug hanging out there. I love my Nat moments and this was one of them. Although she was not with us, I felt like she paid a visit. We met Elmo, rode a few rides, won a bear, and then found the face-painting. She had a hard decision…get a ladybug or a butterfly. Both are her favorites, reminding her of Natalie. She has a lot of focus on Natalie and her grief and it came out Sunday. But, ultimately, she chose the butterfly. She looked beautiful and enjoyed it the rest of the day. We left shortly after this, but not before picking up some strawberry lemonade and a seedless watermelon that is now chilling in my fridge. This was a good day.

Monday we headed to Colonial Williamsburg. Some good friends from Florida (I met Jenna in high school) were coming down from Northern Virginia and invited us to meet them there for the day. I quickly accepted and we went north. First, Emily and I stopped by the outlet mall to check out the deals. Then we went to Pierce’s BBQ to have lunch with our friends. Another family who we are becoming friends with came down with Jenna, James and Cailyn and we were able to visit more and get to know them better. Then we began our tour of Colonial Williamsburg. This past weekend, military were offered free admission. We got there about 3pm so we did not get to see much, but our visit was refreshing. Emily and Cailyn are close in age and getting to know each other better. It was another good day.

Tuesday was less hectic. Sarah had to go back to the vet for a checkup on her sinus infection. Who knew that dogs got sinus infections?!? But she is doing much better. We then came home for a nap, went grocery shopping and then headed to swim lessons. Emily is doing great with her lessons. She is much more confident with her swimming. Will she go in without me? Not yet…I am not that ready. But we are making it through this one lesson, one day, at a time. Then, she wanted to go outside to the water park. The water was cold but she when in anyway. Of course, that meant that mom had to as well. Oh my…It was so cold!! We lasted about 45 minutes and then headed home for dinner. She is now excited about getting to go back.

Today, we went to Busch Gardens. Our friends, Maria, Anna and Julia invited us to go. Emily had a great time!! We rode all the rides she was tall enough to go on. And she really enjoyed them. It was overcast and a bit chilly so there were no lines! The girls were even able to ride a few rides 3 times in a row. It was a bit disappointing that they were not allowed on a few of the bigger rides because their heads touched the line on the stick but did not pass it. They seemed to recover from that with a bit of face-painting. Emily's new favorite…come home with a butterfly on her face. There was not a ladybug option this time so the decision was easy. This time it covered her whole face. And she was a happy girl. We made it home without incident and Em even went to bed at a normal time and I have had a few moments to enjoy some quiet.

As for me….exactly 7 months ago as I am typing this, Natalie’s lung collapsed and her brain herniated. For us, this was when we lost her. I came across some pictures this morning of our girl in the hospital and I was able to look at them without falling apart. Yes, I was sad. Yes, I wished it had been different. But I was able to look at those pictures, see my beautiful baby girl, remember her amazing personality and know that I will be with her one day. I thought of many things, like how different she looked between Sunday day and Monday morning. The difference confirmed for me what I already knew. We made the right choices for Natalie. She was a different baby between the two days. She looked so different. And it confirmed for me the piece that I seem to waiver on. Did we make the right choices? Was it the right time? Should we have waited longer? Would that have been best? Should we have done things differently? Nope…we made the right choices at the right times for our girl. We made sure her care was perfect and she was without pain. We gave her every chance we could. And we gave her back when she needed to go home. I hate that part…it hurts. But the wonder does not anymore. We did it right. I know that I have made a few good decisions as her parent. I will carry that for a long time.

Alie is doing well. She seems to be growing, kicking and sleeping in normal baby patterns. This is comforting to me. I worry that all is ok with her. And it feels like it is. So I am going with it.

That is all for now…we are adjusting to our new normal without school, ballet (her recital is June 1st), and bible study. We are trying to keep busy. It is hard on the days that we don’t have much going on. We both seem to miss Nat even more. And we talk about it, cuddle to get those hugs that we want, and work through it together. We are taking it one day at a time.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Alie

Ebb and Flow and Hope...lots of it

2008-05-22T22:52:00.000-04:00

I was hoping to post a good post, one with joy and excitement. But I can’t…I want to but it is not in me. I can’t get past this one, at least not yet. Something in me is grieving even more than before. I know there is an ebb and flow to this. I want that ebb right now…a little bit of peace. For me, this bump is a bit larger, much more like a mountain that I am trying to climb. And I am praying that I am almost to the summit. I need to find the way down.

Many of you may have already heard, but yesterday Maria Chapman, daughter of Steven and Mary Beth was in a terrible accident at their home in Tennessee. She was struck by a car driven by her brother. It was a complete accident, but one with terrible consequences. Maria was lifeflighted but did not make it. Her family is grieving tonight over their tragic loss. I am grieving tonight over mine. When I heard this it was about 15 hours after her accident. I started thinking…what was I doing 15 hours after Natalie’s accident? Maria’s accident was on a Wednesday...so was Natalie’s. That is still hard to digest and not think about where we were now almost 7 months ago. It sucks. Plain and simple. But God is good and he keeps me together until after Emily goes to bed. He reminds me that I really do have an amazing miracle growing in my belly. And she is quite active now (which I love!) But the one thing I keep thinking is that if Natalie’s accident had happened in the evening or with a family member, we would not be dealing with the lovely court system and the Commonwealth Attorney’s office. That is a whole other story that I cannot post about. Our story would be tragic, devestating, life-altering. But the consequences would be similar to this family- simply living with the knowledge. I wish that was our case. I wish so much…

I noticed tonight, as I was sitting in the living room watching Emily play outside on her swing set that the sun shines perfectly on Natalie’s urn at 6pm. I love that…it brings my attention to her. It makes me think of her, how much she loved the sun and how our evenings were normally spent together in the living room at that moment. She was usually nursing or climbing on me, climbing on her pink chair or playing with toys. When we had extra time, she would be in her swing. Nat loved to swing. To this day, Emily will only swing on the regular swing next to the baby swing in the backyard. And she won’t let anyone else on it. It is her swing, next to her sister, the sister that she misses terribly.

But I have to have hope.
I have to have hope that I will survive this.
I have to have hope that I am showing Emily the best way through this.
I have to have hope that my marriage will remain as strong as it is now and grow.
I have to have hope that Alie will enter this world easily and will make our lives better.
I have to have hope that I will see Natalie again, when the moment is right.

Because with hope, this flow will slow and I will get to ebb again. Maybe I can slide down my mountain shortly. I am hoping….

Goodnight all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and our hope, Allison

He's with me

2008-05-17T23:18:00.001-04:00

I am frustrated and irritated. I have been this way for a few days now and I am trying to find my way out. It has not rained here much recently which is usually good for my mood. There are several things going on with our family (that I don’t really want to put out there on the internet) that I am sure are affecting me like this. But we are surviving. I am not big on change…not at all…and I think I have had too much recently. I have had to make the decision to end a friendship that has meant so much to me in the past. I am so saddened by this, as I hoped it would have been able to recover. I am sure all of these things are making me a bit miserable. I was not even really able to enjoy bible study the other morning due to my frustration. And that is usually one of the few places that I can drop life at the door and just focus.

The sixth month has kept me in this ugly moment. I keep thinking it will lift any day now, and yet it has not. I have thought in the past (I think it was month 3) that this was the hardest month. But it does not compare to this month. I have not been able to shake some emotions that I don’t even want to feel in the first place. The day of Natalie’s accident and the days following keep playing in my head. I am second guessing all my decisions, some of our moments, and a few of my thoughts. These are not the things that I want to dwell on. I want to remember all the good things, our moments together. But they are starting to blur. I don’t like that feeling. I want it all to remain crisp and perfect. I miss her smell the most. That may sound weird, but she had this sweet smell to her. It was different from Emily. And it used to be on her blanket. Now I cannot find her smell there. I knew the day would come that it was gone. But I was really wanting it to last longer. I keep hoping I will find something that will remind me of it but have yet to.

I also am a bit jealous of Nat. She is in this perfect place, having the time of her life. I am here, missing her, wishing I was with her, and wanting my life to be so different. I definitely think she has the better deal out of the two of us. I am glad of that. I only want the best for my children. So, it does help knowing that she got the better end of this deal. I just don’t get the why part. There are lots of cliché things people say. I have heard them all…they don’t help. I know I won’t get this answer. I am ok with that. But it still haunts me, begging for me to seek it out.
There are two songs I listen to pretty frequently that remind me of Nat and where I am. I usually turn them on and blast them in the car after I drop Em off at school so I can drown in them. They always bring me to tears…but they are helpful to me. One of them, Praise you in this Storm by Casting Crowns, has been specific to my moment. The first verse is where I am now. Wondering, questioning, and hoping for an answer.

“I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.”

That is it…that sums it up. I keep hoping the tears will be wiped away and that He will save the day. But I know He already has. We have made it this far because He has saved the day. Then I get to the chorus and it reaffirms what I already know.

“And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm.”

I don’t understand why I still want to praise Him. It makes more sense, so to speak, not to. After all, I don’t have the why. I cry a lot! I just don’t get it. But yet it seems so normal and appropriate to still praise Him, let him hold each tear, each doubt, and each question. And I do hear Him say simply, “I’m with you.” No matter where I am.

I wish I was as good as the guys from some of these Christian bands putting out songs that really hit it right on. I wish I was that good of a writer, poetic and able to take my thoughts and put it into a 3 minute song. Instead, you get my ramblings. You get to read through it, figuring it out in 1500 words or less (on most days!) just as I do. But, please know that this is helpful to me. Bryan and I speak about just every post I make prior to it being posted and he usually agrees with everything I say. I know it gives you all a bit of insight as to how we are doing.

I want to ask for your prayers over the next few weeks. We are going through some changes as a family including transition into summertime, which is not something we have ever had to do. I am not good a change, really quite the opposite. Our “new normal” as we have lived it over the last few months is in true upheval and I am trying to prepare to deal with this. Please pray that this is smooth for all four of us, including Alie. It is hard to believe that she will be here in a few short months and as we transition out of summer, we will be transitioning into sleepless nights, crying, diapers, and every bit of heaven that a new baby brings. But we have to get through this next season as well. I am sure it will bring a new season as a family too.

And I am sure I will still hear Him say, “I’m with you.”

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and sweet growing Alie

Looking Up in the Downpour

2008-05-12T02:39:00.001-04:00

Here it is. It is our new home. It is the home to find all the info about Emily, Natalie, Alie and Bryan and I. I am going to try to make it a comfy home, with all the comforts, tears, joys, hopes, fears, and life it can have. But first let me tell you how I came to this name.

A week ago Friday I was sitting in bible study. I was listening to Priscilla Shirer on our video talk about God's Voice revealing His plan. She spoke of Moses thinking he was the Prince of Egypt for 40 years then wandering the desert for 40 years. He first heard God when he was 80!! But he heard Him when he was in his "desert season". When life was hard, God was there. For me, it is not a desert, it is a rainstorm. It rained the day of Natalie's accident and it has rained alot since. Rain is the symbol of sadness, difficulty, sadness, tears. But it also signifies new life, spring, hope. With everything that has happened, the shock of Natalie's accident and death, it has really been a downpour. But even in the midst of this torrential rain (where are the tornados?!?) I have looked up more than ever. I feel closer to Him, feel His love for me more, and I am beginning to see what He has planned for me. I don't know all of the plan yet, but I know it involves Him. I have felt closer to God, understood His promise of hope more, and leaned on my faith more now then ever. I have picked up my bible more, found answers on bad days, and decided that I cannot do this without His help. I have looked up, looking for Him, knowing that He is the only way to see my Nat Nat again. He is my future and I am not giving that up. I know that I cannot find the answers I want by looking at the circumstance. He will give me that when I am ready for it.

Thank you to everyone who suggested names for our blog. We considered every one of them and felt this one fit best. It does describe where we are. It describes where we will go. And it describes our hope. We will Look Up, even in the downpour.

John 16:22 ~ So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. (NIV)