It is late and I should be heading to bed instead of sitting down just now to my computer with a thousand thoughts in my head, all of which are the same as yesterday and the day before. But today they are stronger, more promenant, more sad, more everything. Two years ago, Bryan and I were in the hospital staring at our sweet baby girl. She was 12 hours old and we were in love with every inch of her. We had shared our news with all that we knew and Nat was known throughout the ward, because babies that are almost 11 lbs are big news! She was nursing like a champ and I was trying to figure out how I was going to get some sleep. She was perfect in every way and she stole our hearts that day.
Two years later, I sit here, having just finished a big piece of cake in memory of my sweet girl. I sit here, wishing the cake had candle holes, that we had hosted a party this weekend (that Emily would have wanted to be a tinkerbell party) and we were still cleaning up the reminants of toy boxes and twist ties that released a whole new crop of toys into our lives. I would be unpacking the 2T clothing that I just packed up for the attic. My family would have just left to head home after a weekend of celebration. And right now I would probably be going to sleep, thankful for a few moments of peace and quiet without a child in my lap. I would check on my babies, making sure they were sleeping soundly and head off to a comfortable slumber myself.
Instead of the wonderful scenario I want, I have a new one. One that is still hard to live with. One that still makes me cry everyday. One that makes me want to stay in bed, not answer the phone, not use my perky voice, and not have to face reality. So, here I sit, knowing that my days begin and end with thoughts of my sweet baby girl. I know she is happy. I know she is whole. I know she is perfect. But I wish….oh how I wish for so much.
Today has been a lemon kind of day. Totally sour, needing some sweetner, hoping for a straw and maybe a few strawberries to be added to it. I hid in bed as long as I could. I ate whatever I wanted because who was going to tell me otherwise. I went shopping (and sadly walked away from Target having only spent $12). I went to my CM unit meeting and did my best to focus. Then I went to the store, got a cake with buttercream icing and balloons on it and came home to my family. I have spent today knowing it was not going to be a good one. But really….it has been full of memories and that makes it wonderful.
I miss her badly…more than I can give words to. I cannot imagine that this is really a short period of time and I will have so much more in heaven with her. It is not an easy concept and I struggle with it daily. Truth be told…I question every bit of belief I have more often than I want to admit to. But I know He is the one who will dry my tears and give me a peaceful rest tonight. He is the one who had helped me through today, knowing that it has not been a good one. He is the one who will show me that tomorrow can be good, despite my broken heart. And He is the one who will help Alie come into this world happy and healthy, showing us that we can love this sweet baby and that our new normal will have lots of happy moments.
But for today…I miss my girl. I wish I was cuddling with her now. I wish she were here eating cake with me. I wish today was easier. But I know that today I have loved her, remembered her, and done what I can to keep her alive in our family. This is what I know….just does not make it easier.
At the time of Natalie’s birth today, 10:37am, I wrote her a note and posted it on Caringbridge. I am adding it to this as well….
Happy 2nd birthday to our sweet, red-headed, green-eyed, mischevious, stubborn, loving, adorable, fabulous baby girl! I miss you most, especially today. Don't worry, we will have cake here as well....make sure you get a piece with lots of icing. I know that is your favorite part!!
Miss you most!
Mommy, Daddy, and your sisters Emily and Alie
I miss her most. We all miss her most. She will forever be my sweet 14 month old baby. She will forever be my boogsie, my cuddler, and my second-born. Happy birthday, sweet girl!
Good night all…I am off to meet my girl in my dreams. I am off the bed, with my last thought of the day being about her after my day was started by thoughts of Nat.
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby birthday girl Natalie, and Alie
~I was going to put some pictures on here....but they are not uploading. I will try to add them tomorrow.