Sunday, October 24, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Fear tends to grip me when things are not working right. It has been that way for the last few weeks. Car repairs, demanding toddlers (both of them) and general exhaustion has definitely contributed to the fear and anxiety I have been feeling.
This weekend, we came down to Florida for a visit with my family. We saw Kimberly and Mark a few weeks ago over Fourth of July weekend. So it was definitely time to see my parents and grandparents.
We all were invited over to dinner at the home of my parent's good friends, the Thomases. I was fine with it....until Dad said that they have a pool. Let me preface this by saying that we have not ventured into any backyard and only two homes that have backyard pools since before Natalie's accident. I do not go there. I do not like them. I do not want to be near them. Not since Natalie's death. Too hard...too much imagination to want to go there much less the chance of another child falling in and getting hurt. I very reluctantly said ok to going, not because I did not think we would enjoy ourselves, but simply because I knew that Emily would want to swim and I was going to have to face my fear head on. But, with me in the pool with both girls, Emily in her vest, and four other adults watching all of us, I decided that I would have to go there sometime and this would be it.
We went. We swam. We had a good time. I was not fearless. But I did fear less. I don't have to be fearless. I won't be. But I can fear less so that my babies can enjoy something they love so much, swimming. Allison will be in swim lessons for the first time as soon as we get home. And Emily will be back in them so she can be the best swimmer and the safest swimmer she can be.
I do love swimming. I always have. I want my girls to love it too. I don't want them to be fearless...there is a potential for something to go wrong. But between my fearful soul and their fearless inhibitions, I am going to fear less.
For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. ~Isaiah 41:13 NIV
Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I am not letting go. I am telling you, 'Don't panic. I'm right here to help you.' ~Isaiah 41:13 The Message
When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.~Proverbs 3:24
Good night all!
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our sweet angel Natalie
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I am not feeling mechanically inclined right now!
Meanwhile...until I figure out what to do, you can catch my ramblings on the caringbridge site, www.caringbridge.org/visit/nataliebrooke
Monday, April 5, 2010
Of course, Alie was not really happy with a large bunny holding on to her. So she stood in front. I thought it was a good compromise!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
This is what has kept me from writing. I am mad. I am mad that I didn’t go with my gut instincts on October 24th. I am mad that the door opened. I am mad that Natalie’s accident happened. I am mad that Bryan was not home then. I am mad that she never woke up again. I am mad that I had to say goodbye. I am mad that Emily struggles with her feelings of grief and loss on a daily basis and I can’t take that away. I am mad that Allison will never meet her sister. I am mad that I have a beautiful urn in my living room. I am mad that I don’t have a cemetery to visit and grieve in so that I can come home and not do it there. I am mad that I have 2 bins of 12-18 month clothing that needs to be worn (to get the use that the money paid for) but I can’t bring myself to do it...or to get rid of it. I am mad that I don’t get to raise all three of my girls. I am mad that Natalie will never tell me I love you (at least not on this side of the veil). I am mad that she will never have a first love, first kiss, first dance at her wedding. I am mad that she will not get to take care of Bryan and me when we are old and ornery. I am mad at the thought of being mad.
That is what my life, thoughts, and writings have been for the last 3 months. I have been absent because the story would have been the same. I did not want to bore you with it. But then I realized…although I write to let you all know how we are doing, I also write to work through all of these feelings. So I decided that I need to get back to writing. Here I sit, in front of a computer screen, in front of an urn, trying to put my thoughts into sentences. This is quite difficult, much more than I thought it would be.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
It is time to start blogging again. I needed a break...I needed to clear my head. But all this break has done is cloud my mind because I have not let out all the stuff in it.
It is coming...it may be long...I hope you will stick around.
Until this evening....