I don't think I will ever stop counting. I have counted the number of day Natalie was with us, the number of days in the hospital, the number of days until we had her funeral, and I even know the number of days that she has been gone. Today is a number too. Today is the 24th...13 months since I saw my Natalie's smile. Thirteen months since I held her. It crept up on me. Yesterday I was in a bad mood. I could not pinpoint why. I honestly thought it was because I have not been faithful to my devotional time in the morning. Or maybe it was hormonal. Or maybe I was stressed that today is going to be so busy. Maybe, it was just because the baby has been fussy and I am not sure why. Now I know. It is all of these things, along with the counting.
There are lots of days when I don't want to count. I simply cannot help it though. As much as I try not to, it always creeps into my thoughts. I suppose it always will. But does it have to hurt so much? Do I have to cry when I think of her 5 1/2 days in the hospital? Sure, it is now part of me.
Bryan and I were counting the number of pies that we have to make this year. Every year, Bryan makes a yummy Pecan Pie for Thanksgiving and Christmas. If you are one of the lucky people who has tasted this tiny piece of heaven, you understand. We have one, we make an extra for home because it is just that good. We have to make one for a few special friends, and of course there will be a pie that makes its way to the PICU. Have I ever mentioned that I love to feed them? Don't really know why...maybe because food can make anyone happy. Last year, we made 5 of them. This year the number is the same. But this number then reminds me that last year we had Turkey with my sister and her family. And Nat was not with us. It reminds me that we will be taking a pie to the hospital. We only know the staff there because we spent 5 days with them while Nat fought. Somehow, numbers have become something I don't always want to remember.
Anyhow....we have time this year to make one more. If you are in our area and you want one of these yummy pies this year, leave a comment. Give me a really good reason why you should get this tasty treat. Bryan and I will pick the most deserving comment and bring it to you either Wednesday night or Thursday morning.
til later....
September 2009
Our Family - September 2008
Waller Mill Park - October 2007
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Bryan
Hillary
Emily
Natalie
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August 18, 2006 - October 30, 2007
Allison
Thanks for checking in on us!
About Me
- Hillary
- Chesapeake, Virginia
- I am mom to three, two that hold my hand and one that held my hand but now holds my heart in heaven. Our middle daughter, Natalie, died unexpectedly at 14 months and 12 days old on October 30, 2007. This is my journey through life, grief, and making sense of it all. I am devoted to my husband Bryan. I love my Lord and trust Him to carry us through this. I love scrapbooking and share my story through this outlet. My albums record our family stories so Emily can remember and Alie will know all about our journey.
2 comments:
This has been a very difficult year for our family but I am thankful for every day that we get to spend together.
Last year at this time, my mom, who lives only a few blocks from me was very sick. Her abdomen kept swelling up and she was unable to eat and was in so much pain. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas we got the bad news, that she had advanced ovarian cancer. The holidays were hard and we didn't know if they were going to be our last with her.
On Jan 15, 2008, she went in for surgery. My husband took almost a week off of work so that I could be at my mother's side in the hospital. I only left for breif moments to see Joshua then returned. I slept there every night with her. Her cancer was staged 3C (that was very bad).
We brought her home and shortly after that the chemo started. Those were very difficult times but praise God the doctor's think she is in remission now!
Recently my father (her husband)has been complaining of pain. The doctor's ran some tests and the scans show that he has cancer again. He has already had 3 bouts with renal (kidney cancer) and now he has it again. He has spots on his lungs, chest and pancreus. The same things we were going through during the holidays last year with my mom, we are now going through with my dad.
So we are going to have him very ill and needing our support along with my mom who is still recieving chemo as part of a trial study until next summer.
We are the only family down here so it's puts a lot on our plate but God has given us strength to bear these things.
I praise Our Heavenly Father for giving me this past year with my mom and 14 wonderful years with my dad since he was first diagnosed. I am thankful for every day they are here with us. I do, however, fear this might be our last holiday season with one of both of them so we want to make them the best possible. They will be spending both holidays with us. Please pray for my family as I continue to pray for yours.
PS my dad loves pecan pie, you'll have to give me the recipe (unless it's a family secret) :)
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