Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Fearless...Fear Less

I used to be fearless. I used to be invincible. I used to be footloose and fancy free! I used to not worry. My only fear was that the house was going to catch fire and I would lose my pictures. That was it. I was not scared of anything. Then the worst happened. And my fearlessness turned to daily terror. Fear of erasing pictures that I cannot get back, fear of car accidents, fear of the house burning down and not getting Natalie's urn or albums out. Fear of swimming, fear of playing somewhere that we are unfamiliar with, fear of burying another child, fear of having my heart broken again.

Fear tends to grip me when things are not working right. It has been that way for the last few weeks. Car repairs, demanding toddlers (both of them) and general exhaustion has definitely contributed to the fear and anxiety I have been feeling.

This weekend, we came down to Florida for a visit with my family. We saw Kimberly and Mark a few weeks ago over Fourth of July weekend. So it was definitely time to see my parents and grandparents.

We all were invited over to dinner at the home of my parent's good friends, the Thomases. I was fine with it....until Dad said that they have a pool. Let me preface this by saying that we have not ventured into any backyard and only two homes that have backyard pools since before Natalie's accident. I do not go there. I do not like them. I do not want to be near them. Not since Natalie's death. Too hard...too much imagination to want to go there much less the chance of another child falling in and getting hurt. I very reluctantly said ok to going, not because I did not think we would enjoy ourselves, but simply because I knew that Emily would want to swim and I was going to have to face my fear head on. But, with me in the pool with both girls, Emily in her vest, and four other adults watching all of us, I decided that I would have to go there sometime and this would be it.

We went. We swam. We had a good time. I was not fearless. But I did fear less. I don't have to be fearless. I won't be. But I can fear less so that my babies can enjoy something they love so much, swimming. Allison will be in swim lessons for the first time as soon as we get home. And Emily will be back in them so she can be the best swimmer and the safest swimmer she can be.

I do love swimming. I always have. I want my girls to love it too. I don't want them to be fearless...there is a potential for something to go wrong. But between my fearful soul and their fearless inhibitions, I am going to fear less.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. ~Isaiah 41:13 NIV

Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I am not letting go. I am telling you, 'Don't panic. I'm right here to help you.' ~Isaiah 41:13 The Message

When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.~Proverbs 3:24

Good night all!


Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our sweet angel Natalie


Karol said...

I'm right there with you. Trying to fear less so that my children can live a normal. Knowing that I will never again be fearless.
Blessing to you

The 2 of us said...

Hillary, you have a wonderful strength.

Shannon said...

Hillary my dear friend! I am so proud of you! I know our situations are different but I do understand having to learn to fear less. It was wonderful to see your name pop up on my blog list again! I love you