Monday, August 17, 2009

"That Mom"

I am that mom...the one whose babies are wearing hand-me-downs that may have a faint stain or two on them. My children may have a bit of crusty snot on the end of their nose. They may even be wearing clothes that don't match because they are so proud of picking out their own outfit. They might make the biggest mess in the restaurant, so much so that I have to leave a bigger tip. They could begin to screaming in the middle of the store because I would not buy the one toy "that is her favoritest and she has always wanted for her whole life".

I certainly do not have it all together. There are many days that I am lucky to just get a shower. And those are the days that I realize that I am "that mom." You know the feel sorry for her in the grocery store. You hope that her kids will take a nap just so she can have some peace for 5 minutes.

But, I am also "that mom". This one is the mom who you tiptoe around hoping to not upset. This mom is sad and hurt and upset and puts on that happy face just to make other less uncomfortable around her. This is the mom who wonders who else around her has walked the road she is on now. This mom wants to be normal, like the other moms she knows, but knows that will never happen. This mom never wanted to be in this group, and tries daily to figure out just how she ended up there.

Today is Natalie's third birthday. Last year it did not seem quite as hard as it is now. Perhaps it was because Alie was days away from her arrival and we were still in shock. I think that has finally worn off and now it is just the insurmountable grief and heartache that encompasses us. I still can't figure out why. I think that question will remain on my heart and the tip of my tongue until I see Nat again. Two years ago we were starting on an incredible journey, one that we never could have imagined or picked. But it is one we now stare head-on and know we have to face. Two years ago I was not sleeping because I was just so excited to meet our second baby girl. Now, I am not sleeping because I miss my second baby girl immensely.

We will be celebrating Natalie's thrid birthday with an evening with our close friends. We are going to go to Red Robin for dinner, the perfect place to take children and one that I know Nat would love as much as Emily does. Then we will head to the store and get some Happy Birthday balloons. Finally, we will all head back here, decorate the balloons with my extensive collection of Sharpies (random, I know) and send them up to her with all the kisses we can plant on those balloons. We are going to have cupcakes and sing happy birthday. We are going to do all those things we would do with her here, but we have to do it without her. One day I will get to celebrate her birthday day.

Sweet baby girl, we miss you so very much and wish that you were here with us. I know you are having a ball there. Have a great time celebrating with all your friends in heaven, just as we will celebrate with your friends here on earth. Love you so much, Boogsie....all the way to heaven and back. Love, Mommy


Erin said...

beautiful! i love you.

Angela said...

Happy Birthday sweet Natalie!
Bryan, Hillary, Emily and Alie, I love you all!

The Buchanan Family said...

Happy Birthday sweet girl! Thanks for sharing-so touching!

Elizabeth said...

Oh, Hillary.
I hope you felt Natalie's smiles yesterday!