Friday, July 24, 2009

I am back...

I am having a hard time again. I think I write more when it gets harder. I am not too sure if that is good or bad, but for now...

It has been busy. Full of memories, good and bad. We went to the cabin as we do each summer. This was Alie and Anna Kathryn's first trip there. We did all the things we love to do there, swing on the porch in early morning, wade in the creek, check out what the cows are up to and moo at them, pick blackberries, eat lots of comfort food, and make a trip to Babyland General to watch a new Cabbage Patch baby's birth. It was wonderfully fun and so bittersweet. We were missing Natalie. Her picture is still on the fridge. I can still see her beautiful smile as she played on the swing on the river porch. I was reminded of our visit to Babyland General and watching Natalie crawl around the babies. She was so happy at the cabin. I am always so happy at the cabin.

Alie has gotten her first tooth and begun walking in the last 2 weeks. Thankfully that tooth came was rough. She really is a snaggletooth baby though. Her first tooth was her top front right one! So odd...but so cute! And I love the toddle of a new walker, the way she moves her legs and is so happy with her accomplishment. She is an absolute joy and I am enjoying watching her grow. But... (there is always a but right?) she looks so much like Nat now. She has so many of the same mannerisms. I love the reminders, but the bittersweetness is hard for me.

Tonight was girls night out. My friends Jenna, Carmen and Erin went to the movies with me to see My Sister's Keeper. I read this book before Natalie's accident and really thought I would be ok. Boy was I wrong! I cried through the whole thing. It was just another reminder of all the things that Natalie won't experience and we won't have with her.

So, I am asking for prayers. I am in need of guidance, encouragement and love right now. We are all struggling with Natalie's death right now. We are preparing for Bryan's next deployment. Emily starts kindergarten this fall and I am worried that she will not be cared for emotionally. I have less control then and it is hard to give that up.

I will add that I am leading a bible study tomorrow (really it is this morning) on Living beyond your Circumstances. Please keep me and the ladies attending in your hearts and prayers as we share and wade through this difficult topic.

My family and friends are all asleep so I must go as well. I am sorry to be absent from blogging for so long...hopefully I can get back into this. It will help me, and hopefully help you as well.

Good night all,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and our angel baby Natalie


Elizabeth said...

Glad to hear from you again.
I will continue to pray for you. You are on my shower prayer list (the one I have posted in my shower!) and I think of you often.
My Sister's Keeper was extremely rough, even for my friends with no "grief issues" in their past. So for me, I was a wreck. My sister was too. I can only imagine how you felt too.
Sending lots of love and prayers of comfort your way!

Mommyof3gifts said...

Just read your update.. wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Though our journey's are different... I can relate to so many of your words. This summer has been tough for us as well...
My son will be starting Kindergarten this year as well! I've already met with the principal and want to talk with guidance as well... I am so worried about him emotionally, etc..
I do agree that I write more when things are hard. I think its good though, it's good therapy for us. Often, my posts may seem positive, but that is my way of forcing myself to see the happy good things when life still feels so hard.
So glad you had a nice trip, I totally understand how it was bittersweet...
Ellie is getting bigger everyday as as you mentioned with Alie, I see so much of Brayden in her... It is so hard sometimes but I love it also... The closer she get's to his age.. the harder I think things get.
If you ever need to vent or whatever... feel free to send me an email. Praying God sends some to surround you and lift you up during this tough time. Your not alone, your loved, and your going to make it through.. a moment at a time.