I have been absent. I have been busy. I have been lazy. I have been angry.
This is what has kept me from writing. I am mad. I am mad that I didn’t go with my gut instincts on October 24th. I am mad that the door opened. I am mad that Natalie’s accident happened. I am mad that Bryan was not home then. I am mad that she never woke up again. I am mad that I had to say goodbye. I am mad that Emily struggles with her feelings of grief and loss on a daily basis and I can’t take that away. I am mad that Allison will never meet her sister. I am mad that I have a beautiful urn in my living room. I am mad that I don’t have a cemetery to visit and grieve in so that I can come home and not do it there. I am mad that I have 2 bins of 12-18 month clothing that needs to be worn (to get the use that the money paid for) but I can’t bring myself to do it...or to get rid of it. I am mad that I don’t get to raise all three of my girls. I am mad that Natalie will never tell me I love you (at least not on this side of the veil). I am mad that she will never have a first love, first kiss, first dance at her wedding. I am mad that she will not get to take care of Bryan and me when we are old and ornery. I am mad at the thought of being mad.
That is what my life, thoughts, and writings have been for the last 3 months. I have been absent because the story would have been the same. I did not want to bore you with it. But then I realized…although I write to let you all know how we are doing, I also write to work through all of these feelings. So I decided that I need to get back to writing. Here I sit, in front of a computer screen, in front of an urn, trying to put my thoughts into sentences. This is quite difficult, much more than I thought it would be.
Until later...
Hillary
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6 comments:
I LOVE YOU!
Angry for you and for myself. Angry for Natalie and for my sweet Laynee. Angry but also knowing that the God whom we serve is good.....all the time'
I just wanted to say that I've been thinking about you and your family...I actually just checked in on your blog a few days ago to see if I'd missed anything. Sending you virtual hugs...
Christy Jackson
I've missed you.
I am angry that I lost Mark too...everyday. I share in your anger for the loss of your precious Natalie. I pray that God will use our anger and turn it into something that will bring Him glory. For me...so far...that part has been difficult.
Praying for you,
Angie
I don't mind you getting angry all over again. I still cry over her. She impacted my life through her death when I was at my lowest, and it showed me how to appreciate Logan. Your Nat will always be apart of my heart. I still hold on to her baby-shower invitation that you gave me right before she was born. I know its not much, but since I never knew her... it's my way of saying I did.
I hate when October roles around, because I remember that week without Logan, and the call that Dean gave me right after I come out of a Psychotherapy session. I wanted to scream! I felt like it was my child, however, I knew Logan was in Ga. with my mother while I cleared my head.
I felt guilty. I can't imagine losing a child, however, I can understand you wanting to be angry.
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