Thursday, March 11, 2010

I am angry...

I have been absent. I have been busy. I have been lazy. I have been angry.
This is what has kept me from writing. I am mad. I am mad that I didn’t go with my gut instincts on October 24th. I am mad that the door opened. I am mad that Natalie’s accident happened. I am mad that Bryan was not home then. I am mad that she never woke up again. I am mad that I had to say goodbye. I am mad that Emily struggles with her feelings of grief and loss on a daily basis and I can’t take that away. I am mad that Allison will never meet her sister. I am mad that I have a beautiful urn in my living room. I am mad that I don’t have a cemetery to visit and grieve in so that I can come home and not do it there. I am mad that I have 2 bins of 12-18 month clothing that needs to be worn (to get the use that the money paid for) but I can’t bring myself to do it...or to get rid of it. I am mad that I don’t get to raise all three of my girls. I am mad that Natalie will never tell me I love you (at least not on this side of the veil). I am mad that she will never have a first love, first kiss, first dance at her wedding. I am mad that she will not get to take care of Bryan and me when we are old and ornery. I am mad at the thought of being mad.

That is what my life, thoughts, and writings have been for the last 3 months. I have been absent because the story would have been the same. I did not want to bore you with it. But then I realized…although I write to let you all know how we are doing, I also write to work through all of these feelings. So I decided that I need to get back to writing. Here I sit, in front of a computer screen, in front of an urn, trying to put my thoughts into sentences. This is quite difficult, much more than I thought it would be.

Until later...
Hillary

6 comments:

Shannon said...

I LOVE YOU!

Karol said...

Angry for you and for myself. Angry for Natalie and for my sweet Laynee. Angry but also knowing that the God whom we serve is good.....all the time'

~Christy~ said...

I just wanted to say that I've been thinking about you and your family...I actually just checked in on your blog a few days ago to see if I'd missed anything. Sending you virtual hugs...
Christy Jackson

Elizabeth said...

I've missed you.

Mark's Mommy said...

I am angry that I lost Mark too...everyday. I share in your anger for the loss of your precious Natalie. I pray that God will use our anger and turn it into something that will bring Him glory. For me...so far...that part has been difficult.

Praying for you,
Angie

Debbie said...

I don't mind you getting angry all over again. I still cry over her. She impacted my life through her death when I was at my lowest, and it showed me how to appreciate Logan. Your Nat will always be apart of my heart. I still hold on to her baby-shower invitation that you gave me right before she was born. I know its not much, but since I never knew her... it's my way of saying I did.
I hate when October roles around, because I remember that week without Logan, and the call that Dean gave me right after I come out of a Psychotherapy session. I wanted to scream! I felt like it was my child, however, I knew Logan was in Ga. with my mother while I cleared my head.
I felt guilty. I can't imagine losing a child, however, I can understand you wanting to be angry.