Thursday, May 22, 2008

Ebb and Flow and Hope...lots of it

I was hoping to post a good post, one with joy and excitement. But I can’t…I want to but it is not in me. I can’t get past this one, at least not yet. Something in me is grieving even more than before. I know there is an ebb and flow to this. I want that ebb right now…a little bit of peace. For me, this bump is a bit larger, much more like a mountain that I am trying to climb. And I am praying that I am almost to the summit. I need to find the way down.

Many of you may have already heard, but yesterday Maria Chapman, daughter of Steven and Mary Beth was in a terrible accident at their home in Tennessee. She was struck by a car driven by her brother. It was a complete accident, but one with terrible consequences. Maria was lifeflighted but did not make it. Her family is grieving tonight over their tragic loss. I am grieving tonight over mine. When I heard this it was about 15 hours after her accident. I started thinking…what was I doing 15 hours after Natalie’s accident? Maria’s accident was on a was Natalie’s. That is still hard to digest and not think about where we were now almost 7 months ago. It sucks. Plain and simple. But God is good and he keeps me together until after Emily goes to bed. He reminds me that I really do have an amazing miracle growing in my belly. And she is quite active now (which I love!) But the one thing I keep thinking is that if Natalie’s accident had happened in the evening or with a family member, we would not be dealing with the lovely court system and the Commonwealth Attorney’s office. That is a whole other story that I cannot post about. Our story would be tragic, devestating, life-altering. But the consequences would be similar to this family- simply living with the knowledge. I wish that was our case. I wish so much…

I noticed tonight, as I was sitting in the living room watching Emily play outside on her swing set that the sun shines perfectly on Natalie’s urn at 6pm. I love that…it brings my attention to her. It makes me think of her, how much she loved the sun and how our evenings were normally spent together in the living room at that moment. She was usually nursing or climbing on me, climbing on her pink chair or playing with toys. When we had extra time, she would be in her swing. Nat loved to swing. To this day, Emily will only swing on the regular swing next to the baby swing in the backyard. And she won’t let anyone else on it. It is her swing, next to her sister, the sister that she misses terribly.

But I have to have hope.
I have to have hope that I will survive this.
I have to have hope that I am showing Emily the best way through this.
I have to have hope that my marriage will remain as strong as it is now and grow.
I have to have hope that Alie will enter this world easily and will make our lives better.
I have to have hope that I will see Natalie again, when the moment is right.

Because with hope, this flow will slow and I will get to ebb again. Maybe I can slide down my mountain shortly. I am hoping….

Goodnight all,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and our hope, Allison

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