I am frustrated and irritated. I have been this way for a few days now and I am trying to find my way out. It has not rained here much recently which is usually good for my mood. There are several things going on with our family (that I don’t really want to put out there on the internet) that I am sure are affecting me like this. But we are surviving. I am not big on change…not at all…and I think I have had too much recently. I have had to make the decision to end a friendship that has meant so much to me in the past. I am so saddened by this, as I hoped it would have been able to recover. I am sure all of these things are making me a bit miserable. I was not even really able to enjoy bible study the other morning due to my frustration. And that is usually one of the few places that I can drop life at the door and just focus.
The sixth month has kept me in this ugly moment. I keep thinking it will lift any day now, and yet it has not. I have thought in the past (I think it was month 3) that this was the hardest month. But it does not compare to this month. I have not been able to shake some emotions that I don’t even want to feel in the first place. The day of Natalie’s accident and the days following keep playing in my head. I am second guessing all my decisions, some of our moments, and a few of my thoughts. These are not the things that I want to dwell on. I want to remember all the good things, our moments together. But they are starting to blur. I don’t like that feeling. I want it all to remain crisp and perfect. I miss her smell the most. That may sound weird, but she had this sweet smell to her. It was different from Emily. And it used to be on her blanket. Now I cannot find her smell there. I knew the day would come that it was gone. But I was really wanting it to last longer. I keep hoping I will find something that will remind me of it but have yet to.
I also am a bit jealous of Nat. She is in this perfect place, having the time of her life. I am here, missing her, wishing I was with her, and wanting my life to be so different. I definitely think she has the better deal out of the two of us. I am glad of that. I only want the best for my children. So, it does help knowing that she got the better end of this deal. I just don’t get the why part. There are lots of cliché things people say. I have heard them all…they don’t help. I know I won’t get this answer. I am ok with that. But it still haunts me, begging for me to seek it out.
There are two songs I listen to pretty frequently that remind me of Nat and where I am. I usually turn them on and blast them in the car after I drop Em off at school so I can drown in them. They always bring me to tears…but they are helpful to me. One of them, Praise you in this Storm by Casting Crowns, has been specific to my moment. The first verse is where I am now. Wondering, questioning, and hoping for an answer.
“I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.”
That is it…that sums it up. I keep hoping the tears will be wiped away and that He will save the day. But I know He already has. We have made it this far because He has saved the day. Then I get to the chorus and it reaffirms what I already know.
“And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm.”
I don’t understand why I still want to praise Him. It makes more sense, so to speak, not to. After all, I don’t have the why. I cry a lot! I just don’t get it. But yet it seems so normal and appropriate to still praise Him, let him hold each tear, each doubt, and each question. And I do hear Him say simply, “I’m with you.” No matter where I am.
I wish I was as good as the guys from some of these Christian bands putting out songs that really hit it right on. I wish I was that good of a writer, poetic and able to take my thoughts and put it into a 3 minute song. Instead, you get my ramblings. You get to read through it, figuring it out in 1500 words or less (on most days!) just as I do. But, please know that this is helpful to me. Bryan and I speak about just every post I make prior to it being posted and he usually agrees with everything I say. I know it gives you all a bit of insight as to how we are doing.
I want to ask for your prayers over the next few weeks. We are going through some changes as a family including transition into summertime, which is not something we have ever had to do. I am not good a change, really quite the opposite. Our “new normal” as we have lived it over the last few months is in true upheval and I am trying to prepare to deal with this. Please pray that this is smooth for all four of us, including Alie. It is hard to believe that she will be here in a few short months and as we transition out of summer, we will be transitioning into sleepless nights, crying, diapers, and every bit of heaven that a new baby brings. But we have to get through this next season as well. I am sure it will bring a new season as a family too.
And I am sure I will still hear Him say, “I’m with you.”
Good night all,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and sweet growing Alie