Friday, July 11, 2008

Lots of tears

It has been a bad day. I have spent a lot of today crying, hiding in my bed, avoiding the thoughts that will not stop. When I lay down, I cannot help but think of what happened, feelings and emotions we have gone through, sounds we heard, moments that I wish I never experienced. Emily has been great, cuddling when I ask for it and understanding that “mommy doesn’t feel so good today”. I have avoided my phone. We were supposed to go to the pool and did not even make it there. I could not bring myself to do it today. I don’t know why, but today has been one of those days. This has actually been coming on for a week now. I can feel it, the sadness and hurt coming back up to the surface. I think it took this long because we have had a BUSY week. Emily has had swimming lessons, VBS, ballet camp and playgroup. She even had all 4 things on Wednesday. And I have pushed it back down, hiding from the moment that I knew would come up eventually. Avoiding the inevitable, this has been my week. Today, I could not hide anymore. Bryan called from work to check on me and I totally lost it. I was balling and I think I scared him a bit.

So I did what any girl would do. I dropped Emily off at VBS and headed off for a quiet moment at the nail salon I used to frequent for a manicure and pedicure. All was going well. I was relaxing until the girls there started asking about Nat, what was going on still, and how they are amazed at our forgiveness. That was not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to hide, get away from those thoughts. I should have known. It is not really a normal day unless we have talked about Baby Nat Nat at least 12 times. And today, even with my futile efforts to escape it, was no different. But my toes and my fingernails are very pink! And it was good to get a bit of pampering again.

But, oh how I have missed my girl today. Every thought turns to her. My tears have not subsided. And I know there will be one more good cry before I succumb to the sleep my body so desperately needs. Even in bible study this morning I did not say much, simply because every comment I may have offered would have been about Natalie. And she is so important in my life, but this study is not just about me. It is about each woman in that room, struggling in our own ways, getting through each hard moment. I have never thought that my situation is so much worse that anyone elses…it is different. Perception is different for each of us. I get that. But all I really wanted to do was cry through it all. It was good. I enjoyed our study today. And I loved that it touched on one of my favorite verses, John 13:7. This is one of my “I need something to get me through the day and this verse is perfect” verses. Emily has also been talking about her more in the last few days. She will randomly point toward heaven. And when you ask her what she is pointing to, she responds with this quiet (yes, Em can be quiet!) voice, “Natalie”. And I know. I know what she feels, what she is thinking, what she is wishing. I get it, yet I cannot make it better or easier for her. And I do not like that. How I wish that it was easier for her. How I wish it was easier for us.

I can say that I am a different girl. My thoughts are different. My life is different. My relationships are different. My marriage is stronger. My faith is greater. My temper is calmer. My hope is bigger. My love for my family and my God is cemented. My need of things is smaller. My prayers are louder. My face is on the ground in front of my Lord more. And I can thank Natalie for each of these. She brought these changes to me. She walks with me everyday and I know she is kissing my hand, happy that she is still such a big part of our lives. My sweet girl, who lived for such a short time, has taught me more than anyone else. She gave these things to me. I loved her so much before I knew this. And my love has only grown with each of these revelations. And I am thankful for each reminding tear, each memory, each moment we had together. Yes, I wish it was more. But I know it was exactly what was planned for us, just as I know that Alie was planned for us too. She was not really in our plan yet, but we are so excited for our road to digress onto a new path now. This path has a lot of hope for us.

Good night all,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison


Kimberly J said...

loving on you and praying for you. thank you for being so honest and open in what you post. i know it can be challenging, and scary.

my prayer for you today is that you get an awesome night of sleep, you connect with emily and bryan (and alie too) in a way that obviously comes straight from the hand of God, and that you feel His hand covering you, guiding you, protecting you.

keep the posts coming. lots of people out here in internet land love you!

in Him,
Kim, a sis in Seattle

Deb said...

My heart breaks a little every time I read one of your beautifully-written posts.

You are truly counting your blessings, and I admire your strength and ability to see what you've learned through all of this. But I wish for you -- more than anything -- that you'd had more time with her, too. You are the mommy every child deserves.

Elizabeth said...

Your last paragraph is so powerful. I was just thinking today about what I've learned from my kids. I think the biggest lesson is that being a parent has taught me about God's desperate love for me. Knowing how much I want the best for my kids helps me understand how much God wants the best for me.

I found your blog through my sister, Mary. She is married to Wally W. (Does that ring a bell?) I remember her telling me about Natalie's death when it first happened, and she's kept me updated on you since then. My son is almost 16 months old, and thinking of him and then thinking of what you went through breaks my heart wide open. Words cannot convey how very sad I am for your loss.

I've been through a lot of grief in my life too: my brother, mother and father all died at younger ages. Reading your blog reminded me how some days the grief can be overwhelming and you just hang on and hope to survive. Other days aren't so bad, although you still miss them dearly.

I hope you don't mind that I put a link to your blog on my blog, I'll be checking back on your blog now and then, and thinking of you and praying for you.

Keep writing, praying and talking to Natalie. She can hear you!