As I sit here at 11pm eating Cheetos, drinking yummy sweet tea, and thinking of all that I want to say....I fear it will not all come out tonight. I am finding it hard to find the time to write as I want to. Now my mind is clogged with all that I want to get out of it. I know part of it will come out tonight and there will be a part two to follow.
I feel like we are in the eye of the storm. It was so windy and choppy and rainy and yucky a few days ago. This month on the 30th it was so hard! We arrived home from a fabulous weekend, one that was so happy and full of joy. We arrived home and immediately re-entered reality. We went to court on Tuesday. There is more resolution to the case the state brought after Natalie's accident. I am happy for that. We have asked since day 1 that it be a misdemeanor only. And finally they took our request to heart. The bad part of it all was that we were there on the 30th. It is such a hard day and this made it harder.
The first was not much easier. The story was on the news, on the radio and in the paper. It is hard to listen to her name and what happened. It is even harder in print. Thankfully, it was only for one day and now it has died down again. I really want to tell the media that while I understand their want to pass on news, I wish they could leave my daughter out of it. Just not use her name. Don't tell where we live. After getting through this, I ran into one of Nat's nurses from the hospital. It was so good to see her and I was a bit shocked that she remembered me after a year (I guess I left a lasting impression!). Then I had to go to the dentist and it took 3...yes 3...shots to numb my mouth to get a filling done! Today my cheek is so sore!!
Today has been better. The baby did not nap much this morning...so we had lots of cuddle time! I needed it. This evening, the girls and I went to Disney on Ice with Shannon and Jackson. The kids had a blast! Emily was even lamenting that she missed Tinkerbell as we left. She wanted to go back in to see her again. She still does not understand why we can't go back in and see it all over again. Sigh.
Now here I sit....wondering how I will get through this month. Wondering how I can make October fun and happy. Wondering how I will get through the last week of the month. Wondering how I make it through the rest of my life, honor my sweet baby, remember her, and not fall apart several times a day. I feel like I am in the eye of the storm, waiting for the wall to come through with harder rain, stronger winds, and a force that will knock me to my foundation. This is how each month feels, with the first wall coming through on about the 4th of the month (after all the pertinent dates) and the second wall hitting hard on the 24th. We get a hurricaine, the same hurricaine, every month. So far, they are still catagory 5 ones. We live through the devestation every time. And each month we rebuild, hoping that the next will arrive with a bit less wind. I still want the rain. I enjoy the downpour. I do everything I can to look up and drink in each drop. I want to remember her. I don't want to forget anything. But when the wind knocks me down...that is what gets me. Today, one of my best friends asked me, "how are you." My response was, "I got out of bed." That was as good as it got today. The girls were dressed and fed. Emily made it to school. We even went to the park after school and made it to Disney on Ice. Now, here I sit, eating Cheetos and drinking tea, writing all that I have been thinking for days. Here I sit wanting this wall to end so I can live through the month and prepare for the eye to pass. But this month is differet. I don't know how I will make it. I can't figure it out.
We are starting to talk about how we will spend the day. Bryan and I want to make it a special day, to celebrate the life of our special baby girl. We want to spend the day remembering her smile, her laugh, her smell, her spunk. It will be a sad day, a day full of tears. But we also want it to be happy. When we figure our activities out fully we will share them. But not yet.
There is still time for the rain to begin again.
"God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8
Good night all. I am off to dream, to cuddle, and to find my way out of bed tomorrow.
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison