Who You'd Be Today

There is a song, I know it sounds a bit cliché, but there is a song. I went to my first Kenny Chesney concert when he was the opening act for Tim McGraw on the Set This Circus Down tour. Then I saw him again in the summer of 2007. He sang a song that always tugged at my heart strings. Now, this song brings me to my knees. I always think of Natalie. I always wonder...who she would be today. I catch glimpses through my friend's children. I can watch her run, talk, play, and love on her sister Alie through them. I had the sweetest moment with Julia the other day at the zoo. She and Alie and I were hanging out. She randomly walked over the Alie in her stroller and kissed her on the top of the head. Then a few moments later she did it again saying I love you baby Alie. I can only imagine what kind of sister Natalie would be. This song will not leave my head, it is playing over and over....

Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

Someday I will know. I will see her again. I will know how her personality blossomed. And my questions will be answered. I will hold her, kiss the top of her head, and tell her I love her. I will get to take off my coat and my heart won't hurt anymore. My tears will be gone. Some day…

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. ~Psalm 27:14

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Today, we are taking treats up to the PICU staff. I like to feed them. It makes me feel like I am helping a little when they did so much. We have yummy cupcakes and coffee for them. This will be the first trip up to visit without Bryan. I don't know how I will do, probably cry a lot. But I will make the time to say thank you. It is important to say thank you.

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and our sweet angel baby Nat Nat

New York in a few pictures...

Ok, it is a few more than a few pictures. We had a blast!!! I need to write up the whole trip so we have the record and you can see what we did. This first picture is in the Plaza Hotel, the home of Eloise. And now, a trip to NYC and staying at the Plaza is on my bucket list. I have to do that one!

FAO Schwarz

The Empire State Bldg from the Williamsburg Bridge

Keli and Alie

Hillary and Emily

Empire State Bldg

Such a cutie!!!

Emily took this one!

Times Square

Ferris Wheel in Toys R Us

Morgan Freeman!!!

Ok, really he is wax...but how real does he look?!?

Ground Zero...what a sight!

Good night all!!

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie

Emily's big news!

Just wanted to get these pictures up to share Emily's good news. She has been wiggling her first loose tooth since July. Tonight, while rough-housing in the living room, she knocked it just enough that it came out. First came the tears (after she noticed a bit of blood) and the fear. Then, when a few minutes had passed...all was good and she is so very excited. So we have begun the road to adult teeth (gasp!!).

We also had a great time calling Nana on her birthday to wish her a happy day. Emily even had to do it on her own. She and Nana talk all the time! She likes the phone....I am in trouble!

Off to bed...we have a quiet weekend ahead. But, it will involve some boiled peanuts at the Peanut Festival! I am excited!

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison, and our angel baby Natalie

Alie got her ears pierced!

Just a few pictures tonight. Bryan has been requesting them! But, the big news this week is that Alie's ears were pierced on Thursday. She did fabulous and did not cry a bit! I am so very proud.

Emily and I had some mommy-daughter time last weekend at Color Me Mine. We both love to go painting and I thought it would be fun to sign up for "Tea for Two". We went with friends and had such a good time. The pictures are the before as Emily was practicing and our set after it had been fired. It is our new favorite thing to play. You are warned now...if you come here, you will probably have to have a least one cup of tea with Emily. It would make her day!

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie

I miss her

October 1….a day that I dread really. It is the beginning of the month that my life changed forever. It did change in other months as well, February for our wedding and Emily’s birthday, August for Natalie and Alie’s birthday. But October is different. I became a mom who buried a child, a mom who fears for each moment of my children’s lives, hopes that they will be ok when I place them in another’s care. I became the woman who signs her babies up for swim lessons because there is no other option in her life right now. It is October. Grief is hard. Grief is overwhelming and debilitating. And October is a month of reminders. I miss her.

From my recliner I can see Natalie’s Urn. It sits just to the left of the TV in the living room. We live in this room, play, laugh, even eat some. And she lives here with us too. It is as close as we get to having her here with us. I miss her.

Today, I took Alie to the mall for Gymbucks at Gymboree (one of my favoritest things!) and I got her ears pierced. She looks so cute with them. Bryan called tonight (yeah!!!) and I told him. I think her was a bit upset that he was not there. But getting her ears pierced made her different from Natalie. We never took the time to get Natalie’s ears done. Thankfully, we never did it. We were able to donate her kidneys, heart valves and liver because we never got around to it. I miss her.

There are so many things I am trying to do differently, just because so many things are the same as two years ago. But the biggest difference is that this time two years ago I was not missing my baby girl. My arms did not ache to hold Natalie. She was a vibrant, curious sweet little girl with strawberry blond hair and green eyes. She was very high maintenance, very needy, and so loveable. She was Natalie, perfect Natalie. She was here. I miss her.
Bryan is on deployment again. He is doing well. We get to talk about once a week. I know you all probably want to know more, but that is really all the info I have. I know this is hard on him, with so many similarities between the two years. I know he misses her.

So begins October…I am loving on Emily and Allison. I am hugging them more, making sure to take time with each one individually. I am trying to not lose my patience. I am taking time to play in bed before we all get up. I am not pushing Alie to sleep in the crib. I love my cuddle time with my cuddlebug. And I love that Emily wants to snuggle all the time.

So we are ok. We are getting up and doing what we have to each day. We are making it through. Emily, Allison and I are living the best we can while missing two very important people, Bryan and Natalie. Bryan will be home soon. I miss Natalie.

Please pray for our family. Pray for safety for Bryan. Pray for patience for me. Pray for peace for all of us.

I have a new verse that is helping me through. I came across it rather randomly but I think it was placed in my path for a reason.

“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8
Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie