hello world...

I need to blog. I have spent the day crying on and off. And I need my outlet. It is here. This is one of the places that I can be authentically me, not holding back and letting it all go.

Let me start with the update. It has been so long that there is so much that has happened. For my sweet friends who see me on Facebook all the time, bear with me here. This will be redundant for you...but pivotal to bring me back up to date.

Bryan has deployed since my last post. And he made it home safely. I am so grateful for him. Along those lines, we have received orders to his next duty station. We are going to Stuttgart, Germany for the next 3 years. Long time but so short too. We are going to really enjoy our time there. We are planning lots of sightseeing (yes, I am my father's traveling daughter!) and plenty of trips to those places I have only dreamed of until now. The packers come in 19 days and we fly out in 26 days. I am nervous. I will admit that. And I know that the first few weeks and months will be hard. But we will get through that and I am sure we will thoroughly enjoy our time in Europe once we get through the initial shock of it all.

The girls are thriving. Emily has finished the 1st grade and is excited to begin school once we arrive in Germany. She is spunky, imaginative, sassy, and beautiful. I am so proud of her. She was so excited this week when she passed her swim test at the YMCA. She can now be in the pool without one of us with her. Wow....not sure I am quite ready for it. But I let her go down the big slides and she was ecstatic! I find myself needing to let go and let her grow, even when I am praying through every moment of it.

Allison is almost 3 and we can tell! She is full of questions, personality and temper tantrums! She won't take a nap but needs it still. And if she does take a nap, she is up late! I don't really know which is worse.

Natalie, our sweet angel, is missed by the bucketfuls. I long for her in places of my heart that I did not think were there. It takes my breath away most of the time still. Emily talks about her all the time and Allison has even begun talking about her "big siter Natalie". Alie knows her pictures and asks when they can play together. Breaks my heart on a daily basis. Natalie's birthday is this coming Thursday and we will be celebrating every moment we had with her. We will start with donuts and coffee to the PICU at NMCP. That evening,we will celebrate her with our closest friends here. There will be food, cake, ice cream and balloons sent to her telling our girl just how much we love her, miss her and are thankful for every second we spent together.

Can you believe she would be 5 years old this year?!? It feels like she was born just yesterday and it also feels like more than a lifetime. I am not sure which is worse. I miss her with every ounce of me, every breath I take and every step. She is my first thought when I wake and my last before I fall asleep. Her pictures are in every room of our home. I miss her so desperately.

I am hanging in. I have begun looking at when and where I will complete my Bachelor's degree and move onto my PharmD. I miss the pharmacy. I miss the challenge of it all. I miss my career. I need to be home with the girls now. But I also need to begin back on my journey so that I can be me, the pharmacy girl, again. I am staying in women's bible study groups as much as I can to learn more about Jesus and the heaven I will be joining my sweet girl in. The girls keep me busy and on my toes. And I enjoy this time with them. They are growing so fast. I am grateful that I am able to be home now and see all these lovely stages. I mean that, really!

So as we begin on this journey to Europe, I am going to begin blogging again. It will be for me to get out what I am thinking and how I feel. It will be to update our family and friends on where we are, what we are doing and how much fun we can have there. It will be an online diary for the girls to remember our time in Germany. I have debated starting a new blog. But this is home. We are still looking up, looking for guidance, looking to the One who can heal our broken hearts. There is still a downpour....it will slow but I know this rain is here to stay. Thankfully we have an umbrella, One who holds each tear we cry and wipes our cheeks with His love and mercy.

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. ~1 Chronicles 16:11

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. ~Psalm 30:5

All my love,

Hillary

I am back...

I am having a hard time again. I think I write more when it gets harder. I am not too sure if that is good or bad, but for now...

It has been busy. Full of memories, good and bad. We went to the cabin as we do each summer. This was Alie and Anna Kathryn's first trip there. We did all the things we love to do there, swing on the porch in early morning, wade in the creek, check out what the cows are up to and moo at them, pick blackberries, eat lots of comfort food, and make a trip to Babyland General to watch a new Cabbage Patch baby's birth. It was wonderfully fun and so bittersweet. We were missing Natalie. Her picture is still on the fridge. I can still see her beautiful smile as she played on the swing on the river porch. I was reminded of our visit to Babyland General and watching Natalie crawl around the babies. She was so happy at the cabin. I am always so happy at the cabin.

Alie has gotten her first tooth and begun walking in the last 2 weeks. Thankfully that tooth came through...it was rough. She really is a snaggletooth baby though. Her first tooth was her top front right one! So odd...but so cute! And I love the toddle of a new walker, the way she moves her legs and is so happy with her accomplishment. She is an absolute joy and I am enjoying watching her grow. But... (there is always a but right?) she looks so much like Nat now. She has so many of the same mannerisms. I love the reminders, but the bittersweetness is hard for me.

Tonight was girls night out. My friends Jenna, Carmen and Erin went to the movies with me to see My Sister's Keeper. I read this book before Natalie's accident and really thought I would be ok. Boy was I wrong! I cried through the whole thing. It was just another reminder of all the things that Natalie won't experience and we won't have with her.

So, I am asking for prayers. I am in need of guidance, encouragement and love right now. We are all struggling with Natalie's death right now. We are preparing for Bryan's next deployment. Emily starts kindergarten this fall and I am worried that she will not be cared for emotionally. I have less control then and it is hard to give that up.

I will add that I am leading a bible study tomorrow (really it is this morning) on Living beyond your Circumstances. Please keep me and the ladies attending in your hearts and prayers as we share and wade through this difficult topic.

My family and friends are all asleep so I must go as well. I am sorry to be absent from blogging for so long...hopefully I can get back into this. It will help me, and hopefully help you as well.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and our angel baby Natalie

Busy girls...and boy!

I have been absent. I have been stressed out. I have been busy with the girls. I have been busy grieving my sweet Natalie. I have been preparing for Bryan's homecoming. But I am ok.

Seriously, it has been crazy! Lots of things going on. Bryan is now home and tomorrow is his last day of leave. We have been enjoying family time and the girls are just eating him up! Alie is so on the move now. Emily is so busy with ballet, swimming, golf lessons (starting in May) and school winding down. I am trying (still!) to fix my computer. I am trying to get back into the swing of CM. I am breathing huge sighs of relief now that the love of my life is back in my arms again.

So...more to come tomorrow...

I PROMISE!!!!

Goodnight all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natale, and Allison

A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.''Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Changes...

New Haircuts for Emily and me

At the airport with Daddy before his flight

til later...