Easter pics

Easter has been good, hectic, sad, joyous, calming, reflective, and cute! We went to the mall on Saturday night (cause it makes the most sense to wait until the last minute...right?!?!) to see the easter bunny. Bunny took a break so we waited 1.5 hours for the photo we all have to have. Bummer. But I got a few cute pics while waiting for the bunny to finish his dinner of carrots. :)

Of course, Alie was not really happy with a large bunny holding on to her. So she stood in front. I thought it was a good compromise!

Sunday was busy with church, lunch, cleaning the backyard a bit, easter egg hunt and grilling dinner. We always purchase a flower from the church in memory of Natalie from all of us. Emily picks which one and she chose a pink hydrangea. Now I have to figure out how to take care of this plant too! But it is beautiful and a good reminder of our sweet girl who is missed so desperately.

This is William, one of Alie's "men"...she has several friends that are her age, almost all are boys. But William holds a special place in her heart. She like to kiss his picture! I think he makes her heart flutter!

Easter egg hunting in the back yard had to come after nap time. Alie had turned into a pumpkin and needed her beauty sleep. Good thing...we got some great pictures of the girls and Alie had a ball on her first egg hunt. Every time she saw an egg she would shout, "Eeeeegg"and get so excited! It was so very cute. Too bad I did not think of getting out the video camera. :(

It was a good day. It was a wonderful reminder that there is a place for each of us in Heaven because of Jesus and His ultimate sacrifice. It is a reminder that we sin, we fall short, but we are forgiven. I'm forgiven. You are forgiven. We all can rejoice in that.

Until later....

Hillary

New York in a few pictures...

Ok, it is a few more than a few pictures. We had a blast!!! I need to write up the whole trip so we have the record and you can see what we did. This first picture is in the Plaza Hotel, the home of Eloise. And now, a trip to NYC and staying at the Plaza is on my bucket list. I have to do that one!

FAO Schwarz

The Empire State Bldg from the Williamsburg Bridge

Keli and Alie

Hillary and Emily

Empire State Bldg

Such a cutie!!!

Emily took this one!

Times Square

Ferris Wheel in Toys R Us

Morgan Freeman!!!

Ok, really he is wax...but how real does he look?!?

Ground Zero...what a sight!

Good night all!!

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie

"That Mom"

I am that mom...the one whose babies are wearing hand-me-downs that may have a faint stain or two on them. My children may have a bit of crusty snot on the end of their nose. They may even be wearing clothes that don't match because they are so proud of picking out their own outfit. They might make the biggest mess in the restaurant, so much so that I have to leave a bigger tip. They could begin to screaming in the middle of the store because I would not buy the one toy "that is her favoritest and she has always wanted for her whole life".

I certainly do not have it all together. There are many days that I am lucky to just get a shower. And those are the days that I realize that I am "that mom." You know the one...you feel sorry for her in the grocery store. You hope that her kids will take a nap just so she can have some peace for 5 minutes.

But, I am also "that mom". This one is the mom who you tiptoe around hoping to not upset. This mom is sad and hurt and upset and puts on that happy face just to make other less uncomfortable around her. This is the mom who wonders who else around her has walked the road she is on now. This mom wants to be normal, like the other moms she knows, but knows that will never happen. This mom never wanted to be in this group, and tries daily to figure out just how she ended up there.

Today is Natalie's third birthday. Last year it did not seem quite as hard as it is now. Perhaps it was because Alie was days away from her arrival and we were still in shock. I think that has finally worn off and now it is just the insurmountable grief and heartache that encompasses us. I still can't figure out why. I think that question will remain on my heart and the tip of my tongue until I see Nat again. Two years ago we were starting on an incredible journey, one that we never could have imagined or picked. But it is one we now stare head-on and know we have to face. Two years ago I was not sleeping because I was just so excited to meet our second baby girl. Now, I am not sleeping because I miss my second baby girl immensely.

We will be celebrating Natalie's thrid birthday with an evening with our close friends. We are going to go to Red Robin for dinner, the perfect place to take children and one that I know Nat would love as much as Emily does. Then we will head to the store and get some Happy Birthday balloons. Finally, we will all head back here, decorate the balloons with my extensive collection of Sharpies (random, I know) and send them up to her with all the kisses we can plant on those balloons. We are going to have cupcakes and sing happy birthday. We are going to do all those things we would do with her here, but we have to do it without her. One day I will get to celebrate her birthday again....one day.

Sweet baby girl, we miss you so very much and wish that you were here with us. I know you are having a ball there. Have a great time celebrating with all your friends in heaven, just as we will celebrate with your friends here on earth. Love you so much, Boogsie....all the way to heaven and back. Love, Mommy

Bittersweetness

Here I sit...my family all sleeping soundly in the other room. I am alone with my thoughts again, trying to figure out just what they mean and how to wade through them. Lots of stuff happened this week and I am going to post on those tomorrow. We have a busy day ahead of us and I know the chicks will go to bed early.

My family has loved on me today. I loved every moment of it. I woke to Alie chatting with me in bed. Then, as I was getting out of the shower, Emily attacked me with gifts...a homemade tulip that she made at school, and card, and a new bible. Move over Dad, Bryan is taking over with the bible giving. But seriously, it is the Women of Faith Study Bible and I cannot wait to really crack it open! I have already looked up lots of my favorites, because I love reading those scriptures that lift me up. What a wonderful gift...but the best of all was that Bryan completely cleaned the kitchen! It is spotless and I LOVE IT!!!

We went to church today. I thought it was interesting that Pastor Dave used a scripture from John detailing when Jesus was crucified. It looks at that moment from the mother's point of view. a few months back, I wrote a lenten devotional for my father's church on this very passage. It was a fabulous sermon. Of course, I got choked up when he began talking about the grieving moms. There I was, rocking a sleeping Alie in the narthex, listening to the chatter from children's church down the hall, and crying over the daughter that I was not able to hold and hug and celebrate today. So bittersweet...

I often wish that I had a grave to visit. Something tangable that could be special for us. We have Natalie's urn here at the house. I visit with her everyday. But I can't (I suppose I really could...) put flowers on it or release balloons here. Seems like it would be not quite as meaningfu, with less symbolism. I am glad that she is here with us. As a military family, we never know when we may have to move. So, until we are settled, we need to be able to be close to her. And we are unsure of where we will retire to. Not burying her was the best way. But, I get my nights, when the family is asleep to talk with her, tell her how much I miss her, how much I love her and how I cannot wait to get to heaven to see her again. That will be a wonderful day. Then I tell her about Alie and how much she reminds me of her. Talk about bittersweet...

I have celebrated Mother's Day for five years now. And I have three gorgeous girls to be so very proud of. I can hold two of them, love on them, kiss them, and cuddle them. And I have one that I have to remember kisses and hugs. You know, Natalie used to turn her head so you could kiss on her cheek when you asked for kisses from her. I loved that. I miss that terribly! I miss her desperately. She was so very kissable. All three of my girls are...

I am off to snuggle with my snugglebug Alie. And I am off to cuddle with my amazing husband. I am so thankful for him everyday. And I am so very thankful that he and I get to celebrate our three daughters together everyday.

Good night all.

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie

Your will be done

It has been hectic. It has been hard. I have been hesitant to write. I want to say exactly what is on my heart, but fear the act of giving it words. It makes it permanent and I have a strange fear of permanence now. I have not doubt that it comes from the loss of my daughter.

I am reserved when it comes to the holidays. Last year, we put up a tree but only decorated with new ornaments. This year, we put up the tree, hung the stockings, put up the outdoor lights. I was sad all season. Relief came tonight as I took it all down. I feel Natalie’s absence so much now. And I seem to grieve more. We had one Christmas with her. She was four months old. She did not get to enjoy it like I see Emily enjoy it. Last year we were still in shock, numb from her passing, and just going through the motions to make it through another day. This year it has been real. There were less presents. The table had one less place setting. Her stocking was empty on Christmas morning when all the other stockings for the kids were busting at the seams. Crying became a constant while we were at my parents. I managed a smile when I needed to, but I knew my feelings were opposite of my outward appearance.

I am fully aware that the holidays are more difficult when you have lost a loved one. I did not know that I would feel as though I was wading through mud, thick black mud. I have spent lots of time looking for comfort. Bryan and I have leaned on each other. I have gone to my bible more times than I can remember to get me through this. And I am glad the holidays are over. Now for the next hurdle…

First, let me tell you about the most amazing thing that happened in Florida. My sweet, amazing, beautiful, funny niece (but I am not biased!) Anna Kathryn was baptized on the Sunday after Christmas by my dad. Having your father share that moment, the sacred sacrement of baptism, as your pastor is amazing. I have done this twice, both with Emily and Natalie. And Daddy will baptize Alie as well. We all stood up with Kimberly, Mark and Anna Kathryn during this moment to share in the joy. Anna Kathryn was adorable and everything went smoothly. We all sat back down and Dad continued the service. My Aunt Celia leaned over, tapped my shoulder and let us know there was a ladybug crawling towards us on the pew. Yes, you read that right, a ladybug in December in St. Paul’s UMC on our pew! She crawled to Bryan, Alie and me. I put my hand down and she crawled right onto my finger. She spent about a minute tickling my finger until she got agitated and flew away, towards the stained glass window at the back of the church. I have not seen Nat visit us in a long time. And I have been discouraged by it. But, how amazing is it that Nat visits us at the baptism of the baby that we know she provided the hedge of protection over at her birth. Anna Kathryn was born on the day that we celebrated Natalie’s life. And I am certain that Natalie is a major player in making sure that Anna Kathryn became a part of our family. Here she was again, on one of the most important days, protecting my sweet niece. There she was…comforting me as my 14 month old niece smiled my way.

We did have to head home early. Bryan received a call from work calling him back to deploy. We were so sad, both at the shortened visit, but also the reminder of his impending deployment. We found out today that he will be leaving this week. Please keep Bryan in your prayers as he travels to the Middle East and as he defends our nation. We are desperate for safe travels and a safe return. Emily, Alie and I will make it through. I am nervous about being alone with the babies while he is gone. But I know I can do this. And I have Corey too! He is a blessing and so helpful to me. I am thankful he is in our lives.

I have to admit…because I know that you all know my secrets…that my heart has felt harder recently. I have spent many hours praying for God to soften it. I have prayed for guidance through this sea of grief. I have prayed for direction and faith. My faith in my Lord has not waivered. I have waited for Him to guide me. And I am now working through some of the conversations we have had in the last few weeks. Please be in prayer over these. I cannot divulge more at this moment, but Bryan and I are figuring out just what it means. I tend to ask Him seveal times if this is really what He wants before I say, “Your will be done.” I question when I should not. And I am now focusing on obedience.

Last year was full of grief, questions, never-ending court dates, and overwhelming fear. But it was also a year of hope, new life, answers, and love. We found resolution, restoration and remembrance to be evident at every crossroad. We pray that this year will bring all of this and so much more. I know that this year, with deployments and anniversaries, it will be a leap of faith for each of us. But I know whose hands will be there to catch each of us.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:1-3

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Hillary and Emily at the LifeNet ceremony

Good night all. Happy New Year.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily especially our angel baby Natalie and Allison

more to come...

It has been far too long since I have updated. Lots has happened...traveling, christmas, family time, ladybugs, deployment scheduling...and I want to update you. But, right now, Bryan and I are spending some important quality time together as we ring in the new year as a family of five. Tomorrow you will get the post of a lifetime. It will be long. Rest those eyes tonight, for tomorrow will be lots of reading and looking at adorable pictures of my family.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! May your night and your new year be filled with lots of love and peace as He shows us daily how He is perfecting you and me together.

...until later

Seeing Stripes

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I am doing better, dealing with this season. Bryan is wonderful, supportive, caring. My friends are close by my side, helping me every step of the way. I am so grateful to have an amazing support system here, with so many all over praying for us consistently. Thank you.

I have not posted about thanksgiving. I should have done one of those posts on everything that I am so thankful for. But I feared that you and I both would cry way too much over that one. As I was uploading pictures today, I saw the photos of Thanksgiving. They are so hard to look at. I see where Natalie should be. I think of all the foods she would eat, as opposed to the ones her sister won't eat. It makes my heart so heavy. But ultimately we had a good day. There was lots of good food and lots of good friends. And we do have so much to be thankful for. I do have a beautiful family!


Yesterday, my friend Maria and I went to the outlet malls to get away for a few minutes. While we were there, we checked out the sales at the Gap. Usually they have pretty good ones. Not yesterday. But...I did get the cutest outfit EVER for our sweet baby girl! There was a matching dress for Emily as well, but it was not 40% off so I will have to wait until it goes on sale to get it. Today, I put Alie in it while Em was at school and tried to get some cute shots. But she keep performing instead...

Everytime I would put her on her belly, she would roll right over. She has been doing this since about 6 weeks old. But she would never do it consistently, only when she really wanted to. Today, it seems that she only wanted to roll over. That is, until Daddy got home. Then she stopped again! Isn't this outfit absolutely adorable? It has a cute hood as well. When I picked up Emily, she was asleep in it and everyone was saying how cute it is. I felt like I had the cutest baby on earth! Oh wait, I think I do!

But, alas, after all that playing and rolling, we came home, got some lunch, played a bit more, then it was time to nap. Alie rarely sleeps in her crib, but when she does...well, she can't sleep in a normal position. She likes to be sideways! I am loving the stripes. We will use and abuse this outfit! It is too cute to put in a drawer!

Good night all!

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison