Allison's Day

I know that I should have posted this about, oh, 3 weeks ago. It has just been that weird here. I have been in a weird place but want out of it! So I am starting here.

Over Memorial Day weekend, we had a slew of friends and family in town. I really do mean a slew... Alie was baptized that Sunday morning. It was a glorious morning! I, of course, was a bit frazzled and hoping everything went perfectly! My parents came up...and Daddy baptized his fourth grandbaby. What a blessing! My sister, brother-in-law and my most adorable niece Anna Kathryn came as well. I was so glad to have them here. But the best part....my bestest friend from my childhood, the chick that knows it all about me and loves me no matter what and I her, came as well!!! I was so elated to find out Keli was coming, then even more excited when I realized she would be here all weekend! Plus, our friends from Northern Virginia were here and all of my fabulous friends that have supported and lifted us during the last 19 months. I could not have asked for a better day. I had three pews full of people I love...it was bliss!

Allison, me, Emily, and Keli

Our family

Baptisms are hard. I have not denied that fact. I was so nervous. And I am not normally nervous in church. I almost lost it at one point...I came close. But I took a nice deep breath and managed to save my mascara. It was perfect. My joy overflowed as my father walked my daughters around the sanctuary as the congregation sang, " Allison Hope, God Claim You; God helps you, protects you and loves you too!" She is a child of God. She is a child that I have prayed for. She is an answered prayer. She is beautiful. And she is adored by all of us. This was a day for me to remember my commitment to my Lord, my faith and my walk with Him. But it really was her day. It is the beginning of an amazing walk for Allison. I cannot wait to see where He leads her.

Alie and her godparents, Corey, Erin and Sean

"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there. ~1 Samuel 1:27-28

Good night all...

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie

A glimpse of what is to come

She visited me last night. It was an amazing dream. I loved every minute, every moment that I held Natalie. I loved every conversation I had with her. I did not want to wake.

About 1 week ago, I realized something that was very difficult to accept. I had just joined facebook and reconnected with my best friend from elementary school when we lived in Kentucky. I am so happy to have found her and we already have plans to meet up at christmas. When my sister was directing me to her profile, she described it by using her name listed (she is married now) and the picture on her profile. It is a picture of her 3 beautiful blond babies! They are not really all babies, but you get the idea. I found it, was looking at her kiddos, and I realized that this is a picture that I will not have. I cannot take a picture with all three of my children in it together. I am having a hard time grasping that there is no way for me to make this happen. I can put things of Natalie's in the picture, I could photoshop Nat in or Alie into a picture, but we wil never have all three girls in front of a photographer fighting to get them to smile all at the same time. I have cried over this revelation. I am sure the emotion is a combination of the truth, my hormones, and the time of the year. But wow...I was floored by this. Bryan calmly hugged me and told me that we would do our best to get all three girls in a picture together. He tried...but the truth is still there.

So back to my visit with my girl. I was holding Natalie and Bryan walks into the room with Emily and Alie. That's right, in my dream I had all three girls together. It was amazing! Of course what do I do...pull out the camera! We took lots of pictures of the three girls and I woke up right after this. There is a piece of me that wishes it was real. That the picture of my three children was real. This morning, I am happy. I held and loved on my girl. I go to take the picture of my dreams in my dreams. I was able to share Alie with Natalie. We had another moment together as a family. It was a good dream. And I have now seen a glimpse of what is to come. One day, I will get to have all of us together...and I will get my picture.

till later...

More pictures of the girl

So, I had to share more...we are so enjoying our girls right now. Alie had her first checkup today and is doing wonderfully. She lost some weight in the hospital but is back up to 8lbs 6ozs. She is a happy girl, except for when she wants to eat. Then she gets pretty bossy. Like right now....gotta go, but here is a bit more eye candy for you to love on!

Daddy and his daughter watching Alabama beat Clemson...Roll Tide!!

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

Baby Alie is here!

Well, after months of anticipation, Alie is here! She arrived on 8/28/08 at 8:47 am. She is absolutely perfect in every way! She was 8lbs 15.4ozs, our smallest baby yet!! She is 20.5 inches long. She looks just like her sisters. We are so in love with her, enjoying every sleepless moment of our nights. Emily adores her, kissing her as much as possible and being so helpful. I have to admit, it is hard. She looks like Emily and Natalie and it is difficult to know that Natalie is not here to enjoy her as well. I held it together for the last 6 days, but tonight it got the best of me. Bryan had to just hold me and listen to my random momentary issues.

But through all the difficulty, through all the memories...we have a beatiful baby girl. Please welcome our third daughter, Allison Hope, to your lives, your prayers, and your hearts.

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

My beautiful family

Last week, we had a photo session with one of my favorite photographers and her assistant who happens to be one of my great friends. I love Jessica Riehl Photography and how Jess captures each moment. And Ryall is so fabulous and whimsical and everything I am not! So we headed out to do some pics of my large belly and our family together. A few evenings ago, I received the first preview from Ryall's camera, unedited but beautiful. I had not had a chance to post it on here, so it will be the first one you see.

I loved on this picture throughout my trip to MN, even showing it to everyone who would stand still. Aren't Emily's eyes just stunning? I am certainly in love with them!

This evening, I received an email from Jess with a few more pictures. I am sure you will see why I love her photography style so much! Check out her website and blog. If you go to the galleries and look through, you will find another picture of Emily, taken back in November. I am sure you will fall in love with her photography as quickly as I did.

And can I just say that there is something about a 4 year old in a twirly skirt (that is Em's description) that could make anyone have a good day? I am loving the skirt, I am loving my photos, I am loving my family, and I am loving these memories. Thanks, Jess and Ryall, you both are fabulous and I love you!!!

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

Big Laughs and a Big Baby Bump

I have returned home from my trip and I have a few pictures to share with you. But first, let me tell you about my trip. I went to Minneapolis, Minnesota. Yes, I had permission to travel and even fly there. And yes, it was SO worth it. I went to Creative Memories National Convention. And I know the next question you have is why when I am so close to delivering. Here is the story.

Nine months ago, when we lost Natalie, I was done. At the time, my CM business was steady, I had 3 girls on my team, and I was happy even though I wanted more. A few days after we said goodbye, I told Shannon that I was done. I had no clue how to help people preserve their memories when it felt like I would never be able to look at pictures again without crying. I did not think I could complete another one of my albums and I certainly could not expect my customers to do something I was not even doing myself. I thought that this was big enough to end my career. So I told her not to expect too much from me. She smiled at me, told me that it was ok, and then I decided I would just let it ride. If I deactivated, so be it. If I maintained what I was doing already, that was ok too. But I could not give it any extra attention as my focus was our family and dealing with our tremendous loss. I let it be about me and not the mission that I believe in wholeheartedly. And that was that.

So, I maintained my sales and continued my workshops. I planned a weekend away, hoping that I could get some done and get back into the habit. I had 10 customers there. I was happy. But then, when we offered the CM business opportuntity to the group at the weekend away, something happened. I signed a new consultant and one of my downline signed 2 of her own. I now had 6 people on my team and was beginning the process of promoting to the first level of leadership in CM. And that night my passion for what I love came back. I felt like I could achieve this. I wanted it again. I had not felt that way since we lost Nat Nat. And it felt good.

Over the next several months, my team worked hard and diligently to complete all the requirements we needed to in order to promote as a team. And, on June 1st, I promoted to the title of Unit Leader with Creative Memories. Now my goal was to make it to Showcase. You see, at Showcase, they make a HUGE deal out of each promotion to a leadership level. I wanted to be there. I wanted to walk stage, proud of what we had accomplished, proud of what I had strived to achieve personally. I had to go. Nothing was going to stop me...except maybe my doctor.

So, at my 2 appointments with my doctor in July, I basically begged her to let me go. She agreed to run all the necessary tests to make sure that Alie and I were healthy enough to travel. But she reserved the right to tell me no even up to the day of travel. I agreed and we began blood draws, untrasounds, and other tests to make sure I would not go into labor. Sure enough, just 3 days before I was to board a plane, she gave me a letter stating that I was not in any danger of Pre-Term Labor and I could go! I was thrilled.

I drank lots of water (which resulted in lots of trips to the bathroom!) and kept my feet up as much as could. Bryan took leave to be home with Emily while I was gone. I packed my bags and boarded the flight. I got to participate in all the leader activities like early entry to marketplace (CM shopping), leadership meeting, a new unit leader reception, and the leadership banquet which had a 50s theme. I could not find a maternity poodle skirt anywhere, so I opted for the white top and black capris. We had a great time and I loved all the extras as a leader!!

We had great training and lots of laughs. We ate yummy food and barely slept. But the best part was the last night. Sunday night was closing banquet and then closing ceremonies. Sunday night was my moment to shine in the CM world, walk across stage and be proud of my journey, from a terrible tragedy to a great triumph, and remind myself of why I do this. As a consultant, I am asked fairly frequently why I do what I do. After Natalie's accident, I knew for sure. It was for us to remember how to smile, for Emily to remember her sister, and for us to work through our grief. It will also be the only way that Alie knows her sister, Natalie. They will not meet until Alie gets to heaven and she is not going any time soon!! I have to give her those memories through ours. I have to share Natalie's story, however short, because she is worth it. And I have an outlet through our albums to smile, to cry, to get mad at where it ends, and to rejoice in her beginning. Walking that stage in front of 4100+ CM consultants plus the Home Office staff was just what I wanted. And I wanted somehow to share my why.

Some people with CM know our story. Some were told when lots of emails went out for prayers, some were told when my upline notified home office of what happened. Some are on my team, and I have met some at meetings and trainings. So, for those people, the statement I made while crossing the stage was so meaningful. For others, it just showed my love of the mission. But it was a statement that I am happy I did. And it caused a room full of 4100+ to say "This is my why" in unison as I came out from backstage. So, here is a picture of what happened....it really says it all.

It was a perfect, waddle walk. I am so glad I did it. I doubt I will have the chance again. I heard our group cheering and had to pose for a few hundred pictures from other consultants. I guess I will be in a few more scrapbooks than my own this year. But, this is my why. I have chosen to use this as an opportunity to help my family so that I can stay home with Emily and with Alie. I have chosen to continue our scrapbooks so Alie can see what a great big sister Natalie was. And I have chosen to share our story so others can know that God is good, He will carry you, and you will go on, albeit changed, but there will be lots of smiles and laughs, expecially when there is a big baby bump involved.

Good night all~

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, our big girl Emily, our angel baby Natalie, and our sweet Alie

Lots of tears

It has been a bad day. I have spent a lot of today crying, hiding in my bed, avoiding the thoughts that will not stop. When I lay down, I cannot help but think of what happened, feelings and emotions we have gone through, sounds we heard, moments that I wish I never experienced. Emily has been great, cuddling when I ask for it and understanding that “mommy doesn’t feel so good today”. I have avoided my phone. We were supposed to go to the pool and did not even make it there. I could not bring myself to do it today. I don’t know why, but today has been one of those days. This has actually been coming on for a week now. I can feel it, the sadness and hurt coming back up to the surface. I think it took this long because we have had a BUSY week. Emily has had swimming lessons, VBS, ballet camp and playgroup. She even had all 4 things on Wednesday. And I have pushed it back down, hiding from the moment that I knew would come up eventually. Avoiding the inevitable, this has been my week. Today, I could not hide anymore. Bryan called from work to check on me and I totally lost it. I was balling and I think I scared him a bit.

So I did what any girl would do. I dropped Emily off at VBS and headed off for a quiet moment at the nail salon I used to frequent for a manicure and pedicure. All was going well. I was relaxing until the girls there started asking about Nat, what was going on still, and how they are amazed at our forgiveness. That was not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to hide, get away from those thoughts. I should have known. It is not really a normal day unless we have talked about Baby Nat Nat at least 12 times. And today, even with my futile efforts to escape it, was no different. But my toes and my fingernails are very pink! And it was good to get a bit of pampering again.

But, oh how I have missed my girl today. Every thought turns to her. My tears have not subsided. And I know there will be one more good cry before I succumb to the sleep my body so desperately needs. Even in bible study this morning I did not say much, simply because every comment I may have offered would have been about Natalie. And she is so important in my life, but this study is not just about me. It is about each woman in that room, struggling in our own ways, getting through each hard moment. I have never thought that my situation is so much worse that anyone elses…it is different. Perception is different for each of us. I get that. But all I really wanted to do was cry through it all. It was good. I enjoyed our study today. And I loved that it touched on one of my favorite verses, John 13:7. This is one of my “I need something to get me through the day and this verse is perfect” verses. Emily has also been talking about her more in the last few days. She will randomly point toward heaven. And when you ask her what she is pointing to, she responds with this quiet (yes, Em can be quiet!) voice, “Natalie”. And I know. I know what she feels, what she is thinking, what she is wishing. I get it, yet I cannot make it better or easier for her. And I do not like that. How I wish that it was easier for her. How I wish it was easier for us.

I can say that I am a different girl. My thoughts are different. My life is different. My relationships are different. My marriage is stronger. My faith is greater. My temper is calmer. My hope is bigger. My love for my family and my God is cemented. My need of things is smaller. My prayers are louder. My face is on the ground in front of my Lord more. And I can thank Natalie for each of these. She brought these changes to me. She walks with me everyday and I know she is kissing my hand, happy that she is still such a big part of our lives. My sweet girl, who lived for such a short time, has taught me more than anyone else. She gave these things to me. I loved her so much before I knew this. And my love has only grown with each of these revelations. And I am thankful for each reminding tear, each memory, each moment we had together. Yes, I wish it was more. But I know it was exactly what was planned for us, just as I know that Alie was planned for us too. She was not really in our plan yet, but we are so excited for our road to digress onto a new path now. This path has a lot of hope for us.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

Freckles and Ladybugs

There are few things in life that are perfect and can make me smile instantly. I smiled a lot today. Emily and I had lots of reasons to smile. Corey came home after a 7 month deployment. Yeah! Stacy gave birth to her second son, Bryce. Yeah! Emily got to spend 2 hours at the pool with our friends. Yeah! And now I get to enjoy a couple Oreos with a glass of milk. Yum! All of these are wonderful and perfect.

But I noticed a few more things that make me smile. Emily now has tan lines from all the time we are spending together outside and at the pool. I am smiling over this…she has Bryan’s ability to tan!! Not too much of course, but she will not be as pale as I am.

Emily is getting freckles! I love freckles. I hated mine in school, although I did not have a “Jan complex” about them. Now, they are a part of me and I like them. But, I am so excited that Em is getting some. They are on her cheeks just below her eyes and they are adorable. They give her some extra character, not that she really needs extra. Freckles…there was really no way she was going to avoid those, not with me and Bryan as her parents!

And the best part of the day. Corey is home, Emily is following him around like a puppy dog. She missed him like crazy. As he was preparing to head home for his leave and we were getting ready to head out for our evening activities, Emily made a new friend. She followed him outside and got distracted by the cutest little ladybug. She loves them, talks about how they remind her of Nat Nat, and looks for them everywhere. Of course, we usually do not have to look far. They find us. But this one peaked Emily’s curiosity and she began to play with it. She tried to get it to crawl on her hand and finally it climbed up. She squealed, unsure of the tickling it was giving her. She was so happy. When it flew off, she followed it again coercing it climb on her again. This was followed by the same squeal, pure delight coming from my daughter. I was so happy to see her so happy and full of life at that moment. Many of her moments remembering Natalie are somber and hard. But this was so different, so amazing. This one showed me her love for her sister and the memories she has of Nat Nat. This was a perfect moment in my day.

Of course, my mind wondered off to that place where the what if’s come in again. What if Nat was here? Would she be playing with the ladybug? Would she squeal like that, with all the joy her sister showed? Would we have been at home, or would we have been in our old routine? What would be different? We spend a lot of time with our friends, Marc, Maria, Anna and Julia. Julia and Natalie were a mere 4 weeks apart in age. She is an amazing girl, about to turn two. She has an infectious smile, one that makes it so hard for me to turn away. She is inquisitive, hard-headed and wonderfully adorable. She says Emily so sweetly when we come around. She is my constant what if. What if Nat were her age? What if Nat and Julia still played together…would they fight or be incredibly happy together. What would Nat be doing that Julia is? But, I cannot hide my smile when I see her. Because of her, Natalie still gets to grow up with me. I still get those milestones. I still count the days, weeks and months since her birth. And I still count the ones since we said goodbye to her. Maria will get to live vicariously through me and Alie’s birth. And I get the same with her and Julia. I love that and it makes me smile too. I get to remember, wish, and know that I will see these milestones again with Alie. Julia is obsessed with babies right now, pointing out each one so proudly. I hope she is like that with Alie. I will get to see again what Natalie may have been like with her baby sister.

But I know, no matter how she reacts to Alie, she will still make me smile. She will still remind me of my sweet girl.

And smiling will still be a part of my day.

Ps. 55:22 "Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken"

Ebb and Flow and Hope...lots of it

I was hoping to post a good post, one with joy and excitement. But I can’t…I want to but it is not in me. I can’t get past this one, at least not yet. Something in me is grieving even more than before. I know there is an ebb and flow to this. I want that ebb right now…a little bit of peace. For me, this bump is a bit larger, much more like a mountain that I am trying to climb. And I am praying that I am almost to the summit. I need to find the way down.

Many of you may have already heard, but yesterday Maria Chapman, daughter of Steven and Mary Beth was in a terrible accident at their home in Tennessee. She was struck by a car driven by her brother. It was a complete accident, but one with terrible consequences. Maria was lifeflighted but did not make it. Her family is grieving tonight over their tragic loss. I am grieving tonight over mine. When I heard this it was about 15 hours after her accident. I started thinking…what was I doing 15 hours after Natalie’s accident? Maria’s accident was on a Wednesday...so was Natalie’s. That is still hard to digest and not think about where we were now almost 7 months ago. It sucks. Plain and simple. But God is good and he keeps me together until after Emily goes to bed. He reminds me that I really do have an amazing miracle growing in my belly. And she is quite active now (which I love!) But the one thing I keep thinking is that if Natalie’s accident had happened in the evening or with a family member, we would not be dealing with the lovely court system and the Commonwealth Attorney’s office. That is a whole other story that I cannot post about. Our story would be tragic, devestating, life-altering. But the consequences would be similar to this family- simply living with the knowledge. I wish that was our case. I wish so much…

I noticed tonight, as I was sitting in the living room watching Emily play outside on her swing set that the sun shines perfectly on Natalie’s urn at 6pm. I love that…it brings my attention to her. It makes me think of her, how much she loved the sun and how our evenings were normally spent together in the living room at that moment. She was usually nursing or climbing on me, climbing on her pink chair or playing with toys. When we had extra time, she would be in her swing. Nat loved to swing. To this day, Emily will only swing on the regular swing next to the baby swing in the backyard. And she won’t let anyone else on it. It is her swing, next to her sister, the sister that she misses terribly.

But I have to have hope.
I have to have hope that I will survive this.
I have to have hope that I am showing Emily the best way through this.
I have to have hope that my marriage will remain as strong as it is now and grow.
I have to have hope that Alie will enter this world easily and will make our lives better.
I have to have hope that I will see Natalie again, when the moment is right.

Because with hope, this flow will slow and I will get to ebb again. Maybe I can slide down my mountain shortly. I am hoping….

Goodnight all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and our hope, Allison

Looking Up in the Downpour

Here it is. It is our new home. It is the home to find all the info about Emily, Natalie, Alie and Bryan and I. I am going to try to make it a comfy home, with all the comforts, tears, joys, hopes, fears, and life it can have. But first let me tell you how I came to this name.

A week ago Friday I was sitting in bible study. I was listening to Priscilla Shirer on our video talk about God's Voice revealing His plan. She spoke of Moses thinking he was the Prince of Egypt for 40 years then wandering the desert for 40 years. He first heard God when he was 80!! But he heard Him when he was in his "desert season". When life was hard, God was there. For me, it is not a desert, it is a rainstorm. It rained the day of Natalie's accident and it has rained alot since. Rain is the symbol of sadness, difficulty, sadness, tears. But it also signifies new life, spring, hope. With everything that has happened, the shock of Natalie's accident and death, it has really been a downpour. But even in the midst of this torrential rain (where are the tornados?!?) I have looked up more than ever. I feel closer to Him, feel His love for me more, and I am beginning to see what He has planned for me. I don't know all of the plan yet, but I know it involves Him. I have felt closer to God, understood His promise of hope more, and leaned on my faith more now then ever. I have picked up my bible more, found answers on bad days, and decided that I cannot do this without His help. I have looked up, looking for Him, knowing that He is the only way to see my Nat Nat again. He is my future and I am not giving that up. I know that I cannot find the answers I want by looking at the circumstance. He will give me that when I am ready for it.

Thank you to everyone who suggested names for our blog. We considered every one of them and felt this one fit best. It does describe where we are. It describes where we will go. And it describes our hope. We will Look Up, even in the downpour.

John 16:22 ~ So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. (NIV)