hello world...

I need to blog. I have spent the day crying on and off. And I need my outlet. It is here. This is one of the places that I can be authentically me, not holding back and letting it all go.

Let me start with the update. It has been so long that there is so much that has happened. For my sweet friends who see me on Facebook all the time, bear with me here. This will be redundant for you...but pivotal to bring me back up to date.

Bryan has deployed since my last post. And he made it home safely. I am so grateful for him. Along those lines, we have received orders to his next duty station. We are going to Stuttgart, Germany for the next 3 years. Long time but so short too. We are going to really enjoy our time there. We are planning lots of sightseeing (yes, I am my father's traveling daughter!) and plenty of trips to those places I have only dreamed of until now. The packers come in 19 days and we fly out in 26 days. I am nervous. I will admit that. And I know that the first few weeks and months will be hard. But we will get through that and I am sure we will thoroughly enjoy our time in Europe once we get through the initial shock of it all.

The girls are thriving. Emily has finished the 1st grade and is excited to begin school once we arrive in Germany. She is spunky, imaginative, sassy, and beautiful. I am so proud of her. She was so excited this week when she passed her swim test at the YMCA. She can now be in the pool without one of us with her. Wow....not sure I am quite ready for it. But I let her go down the big slides and she was ecstatic! I find myself needing to let go and let her grow, even when I am praying through every moment of it.

Allison is almost 3 and we can tell! She is full of questions, personality and temper tantrums! She won't take a nap but needs it still. And if she does take a nap, she is up late! I don't really know which is worse.

Natalie, our sweet angel, is missed by the bucketfuls. I long for her in places of my heart that I did not think were there. It takes my breath away most of the time still. Emily talks about her all the time and Allison has even begun talking about her "big siter Natalie". Alie knows her pictures and asks when they can play together. Breaks my heart on a daily basis. Natalie's birthday is this coming Thursday and we will be celebrating every moment we had with her. We will start with donuts and coffee to the PICU at NMCP. That evening,we will celebrate her with our closest friends here. There will be food, cake, ice cream and balloons sent to her telling our girl just how much we love her, miss her and are thankful for every second we spent together.

Can you believe she would be 5 years old this year?!? It feels like she was born just yesterday and it also feels like more than a lifetime. I am not sure which is worse. I miss her with every ounce of me, every breath I take and every step. She is my first thought when I wake and my last before I fall asleep. Her pictures are in every room of our home. I miss her so desperately.

I am hanging in. I have begun looking at when and where I will complete my Bachelor's degree and move onto my PharmD. I miss the pharmacy. I miss the challenge of it all. I miss my career. I need to be home with the girls now. But I also need to begin back on my journey so that I can be me, the pharmacy girl, again. I am staying in women's bible study groups as much as I can to learn more about Jesus and the heaven I will be joining my sweet girl in. The girls keep me busy and on my toes. And I enjoy this time with them. They are growing so fast. I am grateful that I am able to be home now and see all these lovely stages. I mean that, really!

So as we begin on this journey to Europe, I am going to begin blogging again. It will be for me to get out what I am thinking and how I feel. It will be to update our family and friends on where we are, what we are doing and how much fun we can have there. It will be an online diary for the girls to remember our time in Germany. I have debated starting a new blog. But this is home. We are still looking up, looking for guidance, looking to the One who can heal our broken hearts. There is still a downpour....it will slow but I know this rain is here to stay. Thankfully we have an umbrella, One who holds each tear we cry and wipes our cheeks with His love and mercy.

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. ~1 Chronicles 16:11

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. ~Psalm 30:5

All my love,

Hillary

Fearless...Fear Less

I used to be fearless. I used to be invincible. I used to be footloose and fancy free! I used to not worry. My only fear was that the house was going to catch fire and I would lose my pictures. That was it. I was not scared of anything. Then the worst happened. And my fearlessness turned to daily terror. Fear of erasing pictures that I cannot get back, fear of car accidents, fear of the house burning down and not getting Natalie's urn or albums out. Fear of swimming, fear of playing somewhere that we are unfamiliar with, fear of burying another child, fear of having my heart broken again.

Fear tends to grip me when things are not working right. It has been that way for the last few weeks. Car repairs, demanding toddlers (both of them) and general exhaustion has definitely contributed to the fear and anxiety I have been feeling.

This weekend, we came down to Florida for a visit with my family. We saw Kimberly and Mark a few weeks ago over Fourth of July weekend. So it was definitely time to see my parents and grandparents.

We all were invited over to dinner at the home of my parent's good friends, the Thomases. I was fine with it....until Dad said that they have a pool. Let me preface this by saying that we have not ventured into any backyard and only two homes that have backyard pools since before Natalie's accident. I do not go there. I do not like them. I do not want to be near them. Not since Natalie's death. Too hard...too much imagination to want to go there much less the chance of another child falling in and getting hurt. I very reluctantly said ok to going, not because I did not think we would enjoy ourselves, but simply because I knew that Emily would want to swim and I was going to have to face my fear head on. But, with me in the pool with both girls, Emily in her vest, and four other adults watching all of us, I decided that I would have to go there sometime and this would be it.

We went. We swam. We had a good time. I was not fearless. But I did fear less. I don't have to be fearless. I won't be. But I can fear less so that my babies can enjoy something they love so much, swimming. Allison will be in swim lessons for the first time as soon as we get home. And Emily will be back in them so she can be the best swimmer and the safest swimmer she can be.

I do love swimming. I always have. I want my girls to love it too. I don't want them to be fearless...there is a potential for something to go wrong. But between my fearful soul and their fearless inhibitions, I am going to fear less.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. ~Isaiah 41:13 NIV

Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I am not letting go. I am telling you, 'Don't panic. I'm right here to help you.' ~Isaiah 41:13 The Message

When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.~Proverbs 3:24

Good night all!

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our sweet angel Natalie

Halloween fun

Last Wednesday, at school, Emily had her harvest parade. She had a great time. The kids all had fun. It was very hard to get the whole class into one picture but I got it!! The best part was that I spent all morning at Em's school and Alie slept right through it.

Getting ready for her halloween party at school

All of the cutest kiddos that I have ever seen...well really there were more super cute ones too. You can see Emily at the end (she was the caboose that week!) with her teacher Ms. Doris.

Friday morning we headed out for our trip to Monroe to my sister's house. I did not really think that we would make it. Everything was going wrong and we were not getting out the door when I wanted to. I was so frustrated. What's a girl to do? Head to Starbucks, get some yummy coffee, go back home, wait until the baby is ready for her nap, put kids in the car, head out on the road 3 hours late! But we got here safe and sound. Then we headed to Allison's house for dress up with the girls. I had not planned on taking Emily trick-or-treating. She has never been. But all of the sudden there was a wagon with another princess, Miss Maggie, in it and she was gone!

Of course, there were a few other cuties that I cannot forget. Anna Kathryn makes the cutest Sunflower! I was originally going to get this costume for Alie, but when I found out that Kimmie had already bought it I changed my plan. I then found a CUTE dragonfly costume. It is adorable. But...Alie is not always the happiest of babies at the end of the day. And Friday was not different. She was tired and irritable. (I was too!) The result was a mad dragonfly, cute but mad!


Emily went to the first house and was stunned when the woman gave her some candy. She gave a look like, "I don't know why you are giving this to me but I will take it!" After that, she was hooked.

And the cutest sunflower EVER with her mom!

We head home tomorrow. Please pray for safe travels for Emily, Alie and I as we make our way home. This has been a short trip, but such a good one. It was tons of fun to share these milestones, including AK's birthday party yesterday, with my sister and her family. I love that my sister is close enough for a weekend visit. And I love that we are close enough to share that visit. I have spent many moments crying silently for all that is missing from this trip. Natalie is visibly absent. But I have spent many more moments smiling and enjoying lots of firsts with Anna Kathryn, Alie and Emily. I am grateful for the firsts...they bring joy to my heart again.

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel Natalie and Allison

Welcome home Anna Kathryn BoDi Kovach!

Here they are....the pictures tell it all. We had an amazing night/morning. They finally arrived home at 12:30am today after almost 30 hours of travel! It was similar to a wedding...takes a lot of prep and planning, then the actual moment is just that, a moment. But what a beautiful moment!

Here are a few picture for you to drool on. We are drooling on her.

Anxiously Waiting!

AK, Kimmie, me and Alie (you can't see her in the sling but she is there)

AK checking Alie out...I think they like each other!

Nana, PopPop, and Emily greeting AK.

Welcome home baby girl! We love you!

Baby Alie is here!

Well, after months of anticipation, Alie is here! She arrived on 8/28/08 at 8:47 am. She is absolutely perfect in every way! She was 8lbs 15.4ozs, our smallest baby yet!! She is 20.5 inches long. She looks just like her sisters. We are so in love with her, enjoying every sleepless moment of our nights. Emily adores her, kissing her as much as possible and being so helpful. I have to admit, it is hard. She looks like Emily and Natalie and it is difficult to know that Natalie is not here to enjoy her as well. I held it together for the last 6 days, but tonight it got the best of me. Bryan had to just hold me and listen to my random momentary issues.

But through all the difficulty, through all the memories...we have a beatiful baby girl. Please welcome our third daughter, Allison Hope, to your lives, your prayers, and your hearts.

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

Big Laughs and a Big Baby Bump

I have returned home from my trip and I have a few pictures to share with you. But first, let me tell you about my trip. I went to Minneapolis, Minnesota. Yes, I had permission to travel and even fly there. And yes, it was SO worth it. I went to Creative Memories National Convention. And I know the next question you have is why when I am so close to delivering. Here is the story.

Nine months ago, when we lost Natalie, I was done. At the time, my CM business was steady, I had 3 girls on my team, and I was happy even though I wanted more. A few days after we said goodbye, I told Shannon that I was done. I had no clue how to help people preserve their memories when it felt like I would never be able to look at pictures again without crying. I did not think I could complete another one of my albums and I certainly could not expect my customers to do something I was not even doing myself. I thought that this was big enough to end my career. So I told her not to expect too much from me. She smiled at me, told me that it was ok, and then I decided I would just let it ride. If I deactivated, so be it. If I maintained what I was doing already, that was ok too. But I could not give it any extra attention as my focus was our family and dealing with our tremendous loss. I let it be about me and not the mission that I believe in wholeheartedly. And that was that.

So, I maintained my sales and continued my workshops. I planned a weekend away, hoping that I could get some done and get back into the habit. I had 10 customers there. I was happy. But then, when we offered the CM business opportuntity to the group at the weekend away, something happened. I signed a new consultant and one of my downline signed 2 of her own. I now had 6 people on my team and was beginning the process of promoting to the first level of leadership in CM. And that night my passion for what I love came back. I felt like I could achieve this. I wanted it again. I had not felt that way since we lost Nat Nat. And it felt good.

Over the next several months, my team worked hard and diligently to complete all the requirements we needed to in order to promote as a team. And, on June 1st, I promoted to the title of Unit Leader with Creative Memories. Now my goal was to make it to Showcase. You see, at Showcase, they make a HUGE deal out of each promotion to a leadership level. I wanted to be there. I wanted to walk stage, proud of what we had accomplished, proud of what I had strived to achieve personally. I had to go. Nothing was going to stop me...except maybe my doctor.

So, at my 2 appointments with my doctor in July, I basically begged her to let me go. She agreed to run all the necessary tests to make sure that Alie and I were healthy enough to travel. But she reserved the right to tell me no even up to the day of travel. I agreed and we began blood draws, untrasounds, and other tests to make sure I would not go into labor. Sure enough, just 3 days before I was to board a plane, she gave me a letter stating that I was not in any danger of Pre-Term Labor and I could go! I was thrilled.

I drank lots of water (which resulted in lots of trips to the bathroom!) and kept my feet up as much as could. Bryan took leave to be home with Emily while I was gone. I packed my bags and boarded the flight. I got to participate in all the leader activities like early entry to marketplace (CM shopping), leadership meeting, a new unit leader reception, and the leadership banquet which had a 50s theme. I could not find a maternity poodle skirt anywhere, so I opted for the white top and black capris. We had a great time and I loved all the extras as a leader!!

We had great training and lots of laughs. We ate yummy food and barely slept. But the best part was the last night. Sunday night was closing banquet and then closing ceremonies. Sunday night was my moment to shine in the CM world, walk across stage and be proud of my journey, from a terrible tragedy to a great triumph, and remind myself of why I do this. As a consultant, I am asked fairly frequently why I do what I do. After Natalie's accident, I knew for sure. It was for us to remember how to smile, for Emily to remember her sister, and for us to work through our grief. It will also be the only way that Alie knows her sister, Natalie. They will not meet until Alie gets to heaven and she is not going any time soon!! I have to give her those memories through ours. I have to share Natalie's story, however short, because she is worth it. And I have an outlet through our albums to smile, to cry, to get mad at where it ends, and to rejoice in her beginning. Walking that stage in front of 4100+ CM consultants plus the Home Office staff was just what I wanted. And I wanted somehow to share my why.

Some people with CM know our story. Some were told when lots of emails went out for prayers, some were told when my upline notified home office of what happened. Some are on my team, and I have met some at meetings and trainings. So, for those people, the statement I made while crossing the stage was so meaningful. For others, it just showed my love of the mission. But it was a statement that I am happy I did. And it caused a room full of 4100+ to say "This is my why" in unison as I came out from backstage. So, here is a picture of what happened....it really says it all.

It was a perfect, waddle walk. I am so glad I did it. I doubt I will have the chance again. I heard our group cheering and had to pose for a few hundred pictures from other consultants. I guess I will be in a few more scrapbooks than my own this year. But, this is my why. I have chosen to use this as an opportunity to help my family so that I can stay home with Emily and with Alie. I have chosen to continue our scrapbooks so Alie can see what a great big sister Natalie was. And I have chosen to share our story so others can know that God is good, He will carry you, and you will go on, albeit changed, but there will be lots of smiles and laughs, expecially when there is a big baby bump involved.

Good night all~

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, our big girl Emily, our angel baby Natalie, and our sweet Alie

The good, bad, and in between

Oh my, what an interesting 2 weeks. It has been up and down and even a bit sideways. And I am doing my best to look up.
On Sunday, July 13th, my sister and brother-in-law received the phone call that they have been waiting for over 2 years. Their adoption agency called to say, “We have a baby for you”. Music to their ears!! Sweet Anna Kathryn will be a part of our family soon. And I am so excited. I am excited at the thought of being an aunt, a real aunt. I am excited that Emily will have a younger cousin to play with. And I am excited that Anna Kathryn and Alie will be a mere 10 months apart in age. They will play so well together and I cannot wait. The most special part of this story…Anna Kathryn and Natalie will have something in common as well. I have wanted there to be something between them and it is such a neat thing. Anna and Nat share a date. The day that Anna Kathryn was discovered in a basket at an orphanage was the very day that we were celebrating Natalie’s life. November 3rd was a bad day here for our family as we held Natalie’s service to celebrate her life. November 3rd is Anna Kathryn’s birthday. Coincidence? I think not! I have a feeling that our sweet Nat and our faithful Lord were having a chat that day, trying to figure out how to dry some of our tears. I think they decided together that Anna Kathryn was the perfect way to cheer us up. And I cannot wait to meet her. It will be 2-5 months before she comes home and we all are anxiously awaiting that day. It will be so good, so refreshing.

Then I received some tragic news the very next day. Friends of my parents were contacted by a family that had just lost their son, a 21 month old baby, to a pool accident. The family is devestated. We are devestated for them. As I heard their story, my heart broke for them. We were there just 8 months earlier. We lived those moments. We felt each emotion they were now feeling. And we are praying so desperately for them to find peace in this horrible situation. I do not know this family personally, although I do know their names. I know that some of the events surrounding his accident are similar to ours. I know that their family has some similarities to ours. I know that their sweet boy was born just 2 months after Natalie’s birth. And I pray desperately that we are able to help guide them through these moments. They are so difficult, so devestating, so draining, and so overwhelming. But, here I sit, 9 months later, seeing that tears still flow readily but so do smiles. I know that I am terrified for tomorrow yet I cannot wait for it to be revealed to me. I know that God has a plan, we will prosper in Him, and He will guide us through. I pray that this family knows this and can live by this as it will get them through the next days and months. Today is 2 weeks since they celebrated the life of their son. I realized shortly after I heard their story that my last post was on the day they said goodbye. My heart was breaking that day. I spent a lot of time praying, reading my bible, and asking for help to see me through. I now wonder if I was grieving for this family as well. To this family…if you are reading this post…please feel free to contact me. I would love to hear all the wonderful memories you have of your sweet baby boy. I am happy to share all I can with you. We are still grieving, but I know that there is comfort is sharing our story. I hope you find this as well.

Since these two events, I have been up and down. One moment I am excited at the impending arrivals of Alie and Anna Kathryn. The next moment I am remembering my baby girl and wishing she were here and excited about Alie with Emily. So here I sit, in my chair, trying to figure out what is next. I feel like I am in limbo…stuck between grief and exciting anticipation. I feel like I am in a desert…wandering, able to see the oasis but not yet able to get there. I know that on Monday we will know the date of Alie’s arrival. I am so excited, yet so scared as well. I am praying HARD for a smooth transition, a safe delivery, acceptance of Alie by Emily, and comfort as we embark on this new journey. I am fearful of the emotions that may return. And I hope that I am able to share all of Natalie with Alie.

That is about it for now…we are holding on. We are living through this, daily, together and managing to hang in.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie and Alie