I miss her

October 1….a day that I dread really. It is the beginning of the month that my life changed forever. It did change in other months as well, February for our wedding and Emily’s birthday, August for Natalie and Alie’s birthday. But October is different. I became a mom who buried a child, a mom who fears for each moment of my children’s lives, hopes that they will be ok when I place them in another’s care. I became the woman who signs her babies up for swim lessons because there is no other option in her life right now. It is October. Grief is hard. Grief is overwhelming and debilitating. And October is a month of reminders. I miss her.

From my recliner I can see Natalie’s Urn. It sits just to the left of the TV in the living room. We live in this room, play, laugh, even eat some. And she lives here with us too. It is as close as we get to having her here with us. I miss her.

Today, I took Alie to the mall for Gymbucks at Gymboree (one of my favoritest things!) and I got her ears pierced. She looks so cute with them. Bryan called tonight (yeah!!!) and I told him. I think her was a bit upset that he was not there. But getting her ears pierced made her different from Natalie. We never took the time to get Natalie’s ears done. Thankfully, we never did it. We were able to donate her kidneys, heart valves and liver because we never got around to it. I miss her.

There are so many things I am trying to do differently, just because so many things are the same as two years ago. But the biggest difference is that this time two years ago I was not missing my baby girl. My arms did not ache to hold Natalie. She was a vibrant, curious sweet little girl with strawberry blond hair and green eyes. She was very high maintenance, very needy, and so loveable. She was Natalie, perfect Natalie. She was here. I miss her.
Bryan is on deployment again. He is doing well. We get to talk about once a week. I know you all probably want to know more, but that is really all the info I have. I know this is hard on him, with so many similarities between the two years. I know he misses her.

So begins October…I am loving on Emily and Allison. I am hugging them more, making sure to take time with each one individually. I am trying to not lose my patience. I am taking time to play in bed before we all get up. I am not pushing Alie to sleep in the crib. I love my cuddle time with my cuddlebug. And I love that Emily wants to snuggle all the time.

So we are ok. We are getting up and doing what we have to each day. We are making it through. Emily, Allison and I are living the best we can while missing two very important people, Bryan and Natalie. Bryan will be home soon. I miss Natalie.

Please pray for our family. Pray for safety for Bryan. Pray for patience for me. Pray for peace for all of us.

I have a new verse that is helping me through. I came across it rather randomly but I think it was placed in my path for a reason.

“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8
Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie

Is He enough?

I have held onto a business card that is covered with scriptures that I find comfort in for the longest time. First, it was in my pocket. Then it migrated to my purse. It took up residence next to my reading corner on the table. Lastly, until it landed in my hand again, it was on my scrapbooking table. I have pondered writing about these and all they mean to me for so long. And the only thing I wrote on the card (other than the verse addresses) is the words, "Is He enough?"

The day I started this card was a bad day. Today, I had a bad day. Just very off and moody. The girls were great. Alie even took 2 naps and Emily let me get some CM work done. But I am bitter right now and that bitterness was really seeping in to my mood. Perhaps because yesterday was the 24th. Perhaps because Alie's birthday is coming up and I will be celebrating this birthday in a similar way that we celebrated Natalie's 1st birthday. Perhaps it is because we just celebrated Natalie's birthday one week ago. Maybe it was all of these things that puut me into the muddy funk that I don't like.

Tonight I was going to post about the birthday celebration of my sweet girl who should be three now. I was going to post this amazing picture (that alot of you have seen on my facebook pictures) and tell the story behind it. But I am going to change gears.

I read a few other blogs. I have backed off from reading as many as I used to. I found that if I read my Bible, I was more uplifted. But there are a few that I still follow. Tonight, as I was reading one, I read of another family who has suffered a loss greater than ours. I do not know the story but they lost 2 year old boy/girl twins in a drowning accident. My heart led me to read the last entry on their blog (which has not been updated since), post a comment, and pray hard! But my heart also led me back to my card with scripture on it. I have found great comfort in these and I hope and pray that they find my blog and can find some peace within God's Word. It is the only place I have really found peace since losing Natalie. So, this evening, I give you my list. And my wish is that they touch you as they have touched me.

Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.
Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life. ~Galatians 6:1-5, MSG

When God made his promise to Abraham, he backed it to the hilt, putting his own reputation on the line. He said, "I promise that I'll bless you with everything I have—bless and bless and bless!" Abraham stuck it out and got everything that had been promised to him. When people make promises, they guarantee them by appeal to some authority above them so that if there is any question that they'll make good on the promise, the authority will back them up. When God wanted to guarantee his promises, he gave his word, a rock-solid guarantee—God can't break his word. And because his word cannot change, the promise is likewise unchangeable.
We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek. ~Hebrews 6:18-20, MSG

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ~Hebrews 11:1, NIV

The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field.There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look.He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum.But the fact is, it was our pains he carried— our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures.But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed.We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost. We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong, on him, on him. ~Isaiah 53:2-6, MSG

All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God! Thank him to his face! He gets angry once in a while, but across a lifetime there is only love. The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter. ~ Psalm 30:4-5, MSG

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." ~Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV

"I, I'm the One comforting you. What are you afraid of—or who?Some man or woman who'll soon be dead? Some poor wretch destined for dust?You've forgotten me, God, who made you, who unfurled the skies, who founded the earth.And here you are, quaking like an aspen before the tantrums of a tyrant who thinks he can kick down the world.But what will come of the tantrums? The victims will be released before you know it.They're not going to die. They're not even going to go hungry.For I am God, your very own God, who stirs up the sea and whips up the waves, named God-of-the-Angel-Armies.I teach you how to talk, word by word, and personally watch over you,Even while I'm unfurling the skies, setting earth on solid foundations, and greeting Zion: 'Welcome, my people!'" ~Isaiah 51:16, MSG

And of course, there is the one that I go to so often that I can recite it word for word....
Jesus answered, "You don't understand now what I'm doing, but it will be clear enough to you later." ~John 13:7

Perhaps, if you meet someone who has experienced a loss so great, and you are comfortable with it, feel free to share with them our blog and our story. Hopefully our loss can help someone else.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison, and especially our angel baby Natalie

I am back...

I am having a hard time again. I think I write more when it gets harder. I am not too sure if that is good or bad, but for now...

It has been busy. Full of memories, good and bad. We went to the cabin as we do each summer. This was Alie and Anna Kathryn's first trip there. We did all the things we love to do there, swing on the porch in early morning, wade in the creek, check out what the cows are up to and moo at them, pick blackberries, eat lots of comfort food, and make a trip to Babyland General to watch a new Cabbage Patch baby's birth. It was wonderfully fun and so bittersweet. We were missing Natalie. Her picture is still on the fridge. I can still see her beautiful smile as she played on the swing on the river porch. I was reminded of our visit to Babyland General and watching Natalie crawl around the babies. She was so happy at the cabin. I am always so happy at the cabin.

Alie has gotten her first tooth and begun walking in the last 2 weeks. Thankfully that tooth came through...it was rough. She really is a snaggletooth baby though. Her first tooth was her top front right one! So odd...but so cute! And I love the toddle of a new walker, the way she moves her legs and is so happy with her accomplishment. She is an absolute joy and I am enjoying watching her grow. But... (there is always a but right?) she looks so much like Nat now. She has so many of the same mannerisms. I love the reminders, but the bittersweetness is hard for me.

Tonight was girls night out. My friends Jenna, Carmen and Erin went to the movies with me to see My Sister's Keeper. I read this book before Natalie's accident and really thought I would be ok. Boy was I wrong! I cried through the whole thing. It was just another reminder of all the things that Natalie won't experience and we won't have with her.

So, I am asking for prayers. I am in need of guidance, encouragement and love right now. We are all struggling with Natalie's death right now. We are preparing for Bryan's next deployment. Emily starts kindergarten this fall and I am worried that she will not be cared for emotionally. I have less control then and it is hard to give that up.

I will add that I am leading a bible study tomorrow (really it is this morning) on Living beyond your Circumstances. Please keep me and the ladies attending in your hearts and prayers as we share and wade through this difficult topic.

My family and friends are all asleep so I must go as well. I am sorry to be absent from blogging for so long...hopefully I can get back into this. It will help me, and hopefully help you as well.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and our angel baby Natalie

I am the clay

So many good things…so many hard things. Today was one of those hard days. We were visiting the church of our good friends and attending the baptism of their sons. Baptisms are so very hard for me. It was beautiful sacrament. I had never witnessed a Catholic baptism before. I was doing my best to hold myself together and enjoy all that was promised by these parents. There were 5 children baptized today. As the Deacon was calling each name and baptizing the children, it hit me. The first child, a sweet, blond girl, is named Natalie. She was a little older than Natalie was when she was baptized. That was it for me. I focused on my girls and the boys that I was there for. I made it through, even took a few pictures for the family. I left the sanctuary and found a quiet corner. I hugged on Alie and let myself cry. It never stops. There is always the reminder, no matter what we are doing. After the sacrament and lunch with our friends, we ran up to the outlet malls just to look for a minute. We were very good, purchasing only 1 pair of sneakers for Emily. Of course, the GPS who I have affectionately named Lola brought us home near the park where our last family pictures were taken with Natalie. Shortly after we arrived home, Emily informed Bryan and me that she wanted to send her balloon to Natalie. Every time a balloon gets away outside we talk about how Natalie will get the balloon in heaven and get to enjoy it just as she has here. Today, she wanted to write on the balloon and tell Nat Nat that she loves her. I got out the sharpie and we all wrote messages to our girl then headed outside to send her the balloon. It was so very sweet, sad, perfect and perfectly difficult. Of course, we had the camera out. I never go anywhere without my camera! Yet another moment to remember…yet another moment that I wish had never happened.

I have had a few bad weeks. I honestly think I have been in a state of shock for about 18 months. Once month 19 started, I got mad. Angry, hurt, confused, I am hot! How could this happen? Why me, why us? Why? Just plain and simple…why? It seems as though everything that happens now can be traced back to Natalie’s accident. If Nat’s accident had not happened, then ________ would have. If she was still here, then _______. It is a big fill-in-the-blank puzzle. Each piece builds on how this has affected our lives. It has affected how I approach new situations like kindergarten for Emily. It has affected activities I allow my children to participate in. It has affected Bryan’s job and advancement opportunities. It has affected every aspect of our lives. There are good things that have come from this. We have Alie. Our marriage is strong, solid and alive. But the negative impact from this just keeps resurfacing. And I have found that I am angry. I think I have suppressed it so long that this has no where to go but out. So here it is.

But I am hoping that from this will come some shaping of my soul. I know that I am like clay and God is molding me with every turn. The potter is in control and He is pushing on me to form me just as He wants. I know it is softening my heart and helping me heal. There is growth for me in this turmoil.

“Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.”
~Isaiah 64:8

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and especially our angel baby Nat-Nat who is so incredibly missed today and always

Eighteen long months...

Eighteen months ago, I watched my baby leave her earthy body.
Eighteen months ago, Bryan and I made a commitment to really work on our marriage so we would survive Natalie’s death.
Eighteen months ago, I became a stay-at-home-mom.
Eighteen months ago, I had to learn how to be honest yet sensitive with our 3 year old who was trying to figure out just what happened to her sister.
Eighteen months ago, our families (about 30 people or so) converged on our home to carry our family…and we barely fit inside.
Eighteen months ago, I stopped nursing Natalie.
Eighteen months ago, my bible returned to my bedside table.
Eighteen months ago, I questioned all that I believe.
Eighteen months ago, I thought I had lost all hope.
Eighteen months ago, my heart was so heavy that I could barely breathe or walk or shower.

What does grief look like eighteen months after you kiss your daughter goodbye? It looks like me.

I am torn. I am sad. I am hurting. I am confused. I am scared. I am lost. I question so much of what I believe. I question my faith. I question God’s love. I question where my life is going. I question all that was solid before October 24, 2007. But, He reassures me that His grace is perfect. I am not but He is. And He is working in me.

I like to shut off. I will admit it…when I don’t know how to react or respond I just shut off. I hide. I want to stay in bed. I do all that I can to keep the kids going while avoiding taking care of me. I avoid the phone. I ignore my animals. I stop blogging even though I still want to and my mind is racing a million miles a minute. I don’t ask for help. I want to avoid the feelings, avoid dealing with what happened. I almost get to the place where I think that if I ignore it, it will go away. I feel as though I am damaged, unworthy, hopeless. But, when I get to that place, that still small voice surrounds me, catches my tears, and reminds me that I am loved. He reminds me that His hands are carrying me and that his yoke is uncomplicated. And then I feel His peace around me and I can face my grief and know that no matter how difficult it feels, I am in His grasp. And I am His child.

I prefer only safe things. I have a hard time with baptisms. I sometimes leave the sanctuary for those, so that I will not break down and loudly blubber during someone elses’ amazing wonderful moment. I just don’t want to ruin it. I am unsure when I get near children that I have not been around much in the last 18 months. I bow my head and avoid eye contact when I get to those places. I do have those strangely uncomfortable moments even in places that I think are safe. At Emily’s ballet studio, I felt a panic rise in me for the last 2 Mondays. Not because I don’t feel safe there, but because Natalie would be starting Kinderdance class in the fall. And she would be playing with one of my favoritest (is that a word?) girls who is just her age. They would be dressing up, playing so sweetly and going through the terrible twos together.

That’s me…simple, straight forward honesty of how I feel. I have bad days. I have horrible days. But I also have smiles, cuddle time with my sunshine Emily, ‘nuggle time with my nuggey Alie, and belly laughs with both girls. There is a twinkle in Emily’s eye again, proving that she is working through it. Alie is blissfully unaware of the past. And Bryan and I are wading through the messy world of grief, together. I am so very happy to have him home. He most definitely is my rock. Now if I can just get back in the habit of journing and getting to the gym, things could be back to “normal”.

As soon as my computer is working better, I will get some new pictures up. Yes, it is still crashing on me. We have a hectic month during May. Alie will be having surgery to open her tear duct on her left eye. I am very aprehensive and scared. But I know it is what she needs done. And Bryan will be gone most of that week. Thankfully, my parents are coming a bit early (before Alie’s baptism) to help with Emily while I take care of Alie, and calm myself down. Alie will be baptized at our church on May 24th. We are going to have a gaggle of family and friends with us…and we would love to have you share in this important moment for Allison and reaffirmation of faith for Bryan and me. It is also such a beautiful moment when a grandpa has the honor of baptizing his fourth granddaughter.

I will do my best to not stay away so long anymore…really it doesn’t do me any good. Journaling helps me heal. So when I don’t journal, I get depressed. And I do love to share my beautiful children with you all.

It is now almost 1am and I need to join my sleeping family. Thank you for praying for us and checking on us. We yearn for each prayer and are grateful for all your support.

Good night all…off to dream of my three girls.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie and Allison

Caught in the Middle

Somewhere in the middle, you’ll find me. Most days that is where I sit. In the middle, not sure of right and wrong. Deciding what I know is right and feeling pulled towards the opposite. I know who puts the thoughts into my head. I know Satan is out to get me, hoping that my walk of faith will falter ever so slightly so he can work his way in. I know that my faith can carry me, yet I question so much.

This morning, for the first time in months, really years, I went to Sunday School. I will admit I have not been during my married life. We go to church, but never ventured into the intamicies of a small group or class. Emily went for the first time ever last week. And she loved it. She came home with stories of God and singing Jesus’ praises. It excited me, re-lit my love to learn. So I made sure that we got there this morning (even if we were a bit late!) because I wanted that joy too.

We talked about 2 John. We talked about Truth and love. A question came up. Which is easier to believe, God’s Truth or the love of Jesus through God’s Truth? Most answered that love was easier and Truth was questioned so much more. Then I decided to share, even on my first day there. You see, I find that Truth remains constant while love is what I question. I know God’s Truth, his grace, and my reward with him. I also know Jesus’ love, his sacrifice for me and you, and the promise of eternal life. But what I realized during this class was that before Natalie’s death, it was easier to question God’s Truth more and rest easily on his love. Now, after such a tragic inexplicable loss, it is easier to hold God’s Truth, His promise, close and question His love for me. Isn’t it interesting how that changes in the blink of an eye?

So where do my questions lie? Somewhere in the middle of it all. I live with contented peace, yet I always want more of what we lost. I live with our new normal but long for the old. I love Alie with all that I am. But I also know that Alie would not be here if Natalie had not died. I love talking about Natalie, but fear others won’t bring her up because the mention of her name brings tears to my eyes. This is my middle. Somewhere between what is and what was. I know there is Truth at one end and the pull from it at the other. I know I am in between, figuring out how to surrender it all to Him. I know that one end is the God that I know, the one that we read about in scriptures. And I know the other end what I want God to be. How do I shift my longing for Him to the truth and not the other? How do I give up my dreams for His dreams? How do I tip the scales towards Him? How do I get out of the middle that I live in?

These are the questions that I contemplate everyday. I am sure you have the same questions, just varied slightly to your own struggles. But the fundamental question remains the same. How do I focus on the alter, lay it all out for him, and not lose sight of His glory and grace as I journey out into the real world?

There is a song…there is always a song with me. I am loving Casting Crowns (and really so many others) right now. The song is “Somewhere in the Middle”. It is so perfect for me right now. It has all of this in it. On my bad days, I listen to it as loud as the baby can handle, belting each lyric as a prayer to my Lord. On my good day, I do the same, using it as a praise, keeping my focus on that alter.

You can see some videos of it on youtube.com if you choose. I am a fan of closing my eyes and singing loudly. You may want to as well. My favorite verse is the 4th verse. It is where I am right now, although all of it really speaks to me. Here are the lyrics so you can sing along.

Somewhere in the Middle by Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

Good night all.
I am off to cuddle with the Nuggle-bug. The plan is to give you pictures tomorrow. Look for them then.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison, and especially our angel baby Natalie

Your will be done

It has been hectic. It has been hard. I have been hesitant to write. I want to say exactly what is on my heart, but fear the act of giving it words. It makes it permanent and I have a strange fear of permanence now. I have not doubt that it comes from the loss of my daughter.

I am reserved when it comes to the holidays. Last year, we put up a tree but only decorated with new ornaments. This year, we put up the tree, hung the stockings, put up the outdoor lights. I was sad all season. Relief came tonight as I took it all down. I feel Natalie’s absence so much now. And I seem to grieve more. We had one Christmas with her. She was four months old. She did not get to enjoy it like I see Emily enjoy it. Last year we were still in shock, numb from her passing, and just going through the motions to make it through another day. This year it has been real. There were less presents. The table had one less place setting. Her stocking was empty on Christmas morning when all the other stockings for the kids were busting at the seams. Crying became a constant while we were at my parents. I managed a smile when I needed to, but I knew my feelings were opposite of my outward appearance.

I am fully aware that the holidays are more difficult when you have lost a loved one. I did not know that I would feel as though I was wading through mud, thick black mud. I have spent lots of time looking for comfort. Bryan and I have leaned on each other. I have gone to my bible more times than I can remember to get me through this. And I am glad the holidays are over. Now for the next hurdle…

First, let me tell you about the most amazing thing that happened in Florida. My sweet, amazing, beautiful, funny niece (but I am not biased!) Anna Kathryn was baptized on the Sunday after Christmas by my dad. Having your father share that moment, the sacred sacrement of baptism, as your pastor is amazing. I have done this twice, both with Emily and Natalie. And Daddy will baptize Alie as well. We all stood up with Kimberly, Mark and Anna Kathryn during this moment to share in the joy. Anna Kathryn was adorable and everything went smoothly. We all sat back down and Dad continued the service. My Aunt Celia leaned over, tapped my shoulder and let us know there was a ladybug crawling towards us on the pew. Yes, you read that right, a ladybug in December in St. Paul’s UMC on our pew! She crawled to Bryan, Alie and me. I put my hand down and she crawled right onto my finger. She spent about a minute tickling my finger until she got agitated and flew away, towards the stained glass window at the back of the church. I have not seen Nat visit us in a long time. And I have been discouraged by it. But, how amazing is it that Nat visits us at the baptism of the baby that we know she provided the hedge of protection over at her birth. Anna Kathryn was born on the day that we celebrated Natalie’s life. And I am certain that Natalie is a major player in making sure that Anna Kathryn became a part of our family. Here she was again, on one of the most important days, protecting my sweet niece. There she was…comforting me as my 14 month old niece smiled my way.

We did have to head home early. Bryan received a call from work calling him back to deploy. We were so sad, both at the shortened visit, but also the reminder of his impending deployment. We found out today that he will be leaving this week. Please keep Bryan in your prayers as he travels to the Middle East and as he defends our nation. We are desperate for safe travels and a safe return. Emily, Alie and I will make it through. I am nervous about being alone with the babies while he is gone. But I know I can do this. And I have Corey too! He is a blessing and so helpful to me. I am thankful he is in our lives.

I have to admit…because I know that you all know my secrets…that my heart has felt harder recently. I have spent many hours praying for God to soften it. I have prayed for guidance through this sea of grief. I have prayed for direction and faith. My faith in my Lord has not waivered. I have waited for Him to guide me. And I am now working through some of the conversations we have had in the last few weeks. Please be in prayer over these. I cannot divulge more at this moment, but Bryan and I are figuring out just what it means. I tend to ask Him seveal times if this is really what He wants before I say, “Your will be done.” I question when I should not. And I am now focusing on obedience.

Last year was full of grief, questions, never-ending court dates, and overwhelming fear. But it was also a year of hope, new life, answers, and love. We found resolution, restoration and remembrance to be evident at every crossroad. We pray that this year will bring all of this and so much more. I know that this year, with deployments and anniversaries, it will be a leap of faith for each of us. But I know whose hands will be there to catch each of us.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:1-3

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Hillary and Emily at the LifeNet ceremony

Good night all. Happy New Year.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily especially our angel baby Natalie and Allison

a powerful truth

I have learned something…the truth hurts. This is something that I already knew. But it has become more prevalent for me in the past few days. I have become very good at hiding lots. I can fake a mood, looking as though things are just fabulous. I can adjust my answers to portray what I think someone may want to hear, allthewhile ignoring the truth that is in my heart. I have learned how to convince myself of a truth even when I know that it is not true and I am still hiding from myself.

Today, that changed. I have been hiding so much from myself, hoping that my lie would then become the truth. I have been saying, living and doing what I wanted to be real even when I knew that I was lying to myself and in turn lying to everyone around me. But today, I decided that I would face some things head on and hopefully be able to live the truth. But that truth hurts. The first thing I had to do was to give something a voice. Although I would love to spell it all out right here, I must keep a bit of this private simply because I do not know all my readers. So, although I must remain a bit vague, know that the vagueness is totally truthful!

Today, I gave the one feeling that has not changed in months a voice. And now I feel like I can really address it and face this truth fully. I have to admit. It was hard. I was scared to voice it. I was scared to begin this process. I am still scared to admit to others. But, I told Bryan finally about how I was feeling. That was big for me. Even though I know he would never be anything but supportive, I still worry just a bit. True to the husband that I love and adore, he is supportive and understanding. Although I don’t feel like I can divulge all to you now, please keep me in your prayers as I deal with this, learning how to live though it.

My truths have been more than just this though. The truth of seeing just how much I have changed in the last 10 years, since Bryan and I were engaged and having our first picture taken together for our church’s directory to the photo that I received in the mail today, was heartwrenching. The fact that Bryan looks the same, just older is wonderful. The fact that I look older and bigger was hard to see, hard to say, and hard to swallow. I have a bit of work to do.

Yesterday, it was hard to know that Natalie had been gone 13 months. There I go again, counting things. But what was worse was realizing that in about 6 weeks, Natalie will have been gone as long as she was with us. And in 12 months, Alie will have been with us longer than Nat was. These have been so hard to swallow. I have not gotten over these yet. I don’t really know that I will. I wonder how I will make it through those milestones. I wonder how I will make it through the next holiday. Last year, we were still in shock. This year, it has totally hit us hard that someone is clearly absent. Thanksgiving was hard. Keeping up that front was so hard. Thankfully, now, I can let down my wall. Christmas will be….I don’t even want to think about it yet.

I have been thying to figure out how this fits into God’s word. I wanted to see what He had to say about how I have been feeling. I found my answer in 2 Corinthians 12. I came across this verse yesterday. Somehow it fits me right now. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.” I am weak right now. But His grace is sufficent. His grace is what brings me here, to confess to you and to confess to myself. His grace gave me the courage today to face what I had been hiding from. I can rest in this. I will rest in this. He is sufficient for my weakness. I can face the truth and all the hurt that comes with it because His power is perfect.

Good night all.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie and Allison

untitled

Oh my…if someone told me one year ago what we were about to experience, I think I would have run screaming in the other direction. If someone told me that tomorrow I would hear quite possibly the worst news of my life, I would have laughed at them in fear of the possibility. If someone told me to enjoy every hug and kiss and moment because it was just about the last one, I would have told them I do even when I knew that I flew through them because there was always something more to do. And I would have thought, “Yeah right…it won’t happen to me.” Unfortunately, it did.

The hurricaine is here. The wind is blowing today, literally and figuratively. I have been in a yucky funk the last few days. I have avoided the phone, I have avoided seeing people. I have avoided life. I can feel the darkness that surrounds the next few days. I find myself surrendering to it, even when I don’t want to. I want to be happy. I want to remember her life, not just wallow in the sorrow of her death.

For the last week, I have been able to remember what happened one year ago on that date. For example, on the 23rd I went to work, the kids when to Sue’s, we came home and met Stacy and Brayden for dinner at Chick-fil-a. It was kids night…kids get a free kids meal with each adult combo. It was the cheap way for us to go out. Natalie ate some of mine, Emily’s was free. Stacy held Natalie a lot of the time. I should have. It was our last meal together. We then went home and began our nightly routine. I was tired. I contemplated whether I should call in to work the next day. And I decided that I would decide in the morning. That was it…our last day together, my last goodnight to her. Natalie always co-slept so we snuggled that night. If I had only known…I would have hugged her tighter. If I had known this would be the last time she was in our home, in our bed, in our lives awake. If I had only taken one more picture of her, I would have just one more memory that would not fade in time.

I know. I cannot dwell in the what-ifs. I have so many of them. But they always creep in when I remember. Most of the time I prefer to keep them to me. The what-ifs make me cry. Really anything makes me cry right now. I miss her. Plain and simple, I miss my Natalie. I cannot even describe the depth of my hurt. It is dark and it hurts like a heart attack. It does not go away if I lie down and take a nap. It does not go away when I dive into some project. It does not go away. It just hurts, badly. No matter how the outside changes, no matter how much we grow and change, I don’t think my inside will ever forget. Even years down the road, many more that the mere year that we have lived through, the pain in my chest reminding me of my sweet girl will remain.

We will get through this. With God’s grace, we will survive. His grace is perfect. He is my hiding place. I know I am safe in His embrace, shielded by his love and peace. And I am spending lots of time with Him these days. Every morning on the way to take Emily to school, when I get home while Alie is napping, before bed, these are my moments with Him. I have worship CDs in the car, two (yes, two) bibles next to my chair, and study books in my bedroom. I have thrown myself in to this, drinking in all that I can. I keep looking for all the answers. I know they are there. I know He will reveal them to me. I just have to wait for His timing.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
And of course I am LIVING on my verse, John 13:7.
“Jesus replied, “You do not know now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

the nakedness of my words...

I was first exposed to childhood death 4 years ago. After Emily was born, I became a member of an online group of people with children born at the same time. That May I learned of a family whose firstborn little girl was diagnosed with Leukemia, AML to be exact. Her prognosis was grim, but her mother was determined to help her baby girl, love her, and give her the best life possible. And she chose to share it on the internet with those of us that had begun to follow the story and begged for updates. Every day, when I would get to work, I would check for an update from Jenny, hoping they had a good day and night, hoping for good news, and hoping that things had turned around for this baby who was only 9 weeks older than my sweet girl. I prayed diligently for Jenny, praying that she would not have to endure the loss of her baby. That was unimaginable to me. Sadly, Jenny lost her daughter four years ago this past Saturday. Her baby was 8 months and 27 days old. I cried over her loss. I could not imagine how she could possibly make it through something so devestating. I thought that I could never survive something that tragic. On Saturday, she posted that she was having a bad day. If I knew her personally, I would have tried to help in any way I could. I would have brought dinner, sent flowers, called her just to say that I missed her too. But I only know her over the internet. Although it feels as though we have been friends for years, I only know her through her words, her honesty and nakedness that she shares on her blog.

Now here I sit, facing the same emotions, thinking that I cannot imagine coming upon the day we lost Natalie four years later. Honestly, I cannot imagine the day that 14 months and 13 days passes since we last kissed Nat Nat. Then, she would have been gone longer than she was with us. It will happen in January and I am sure that it will not be a very good day for me. I never thought that I would know first-hand what it was like to bury my child. Now, I know exactly how Jenny feels, how she felt. Her posts make so much sense to me. Not only can I imagine her daughter looking and acting similarly to Emily, but I understand the emptiness and grief that she faces everyday. Today, I learned of another mother who lost her son, born just 8 days before Alie, to sepsis after severe kidney problems since birth. I am grieving for her tonight. I am hopeful that she knows my God, the One who has carried our family through this, the One who has given us peace and understanding. Her name is Tina, I do not know where she lives, but I know our Lord does. And I am sure He is holding each tear that falls in the palm of His hand, just as He has done for me.

Can you tell I am struggling? Can you tell I miss her? Can you tell that I want nothing more than to have her home with us? Yet I know that she is so happy right now. I know she misses me too. And I know she watches over us daily, from the moment we lost her. I know she shows us that she is still in our hearts, loving us. I know because I feel her presence, from ladybug sitings, to Anna Kathryn’s birthdate, to the amazing way that Alie tugs at my heart by making some of the exact same faces that Nat did. Alie and Nat look so much alike. It is wonderful and hard all at the same time.

This past week I had to start the hard task of changing Natalie’s room into Alie’s room. It will always have pieces of Nat in it, but it needs to be Alie’s space as well. Two of my sweetest and best friends helped me with this chore. I know it was hard for them as well. I would not doubt that they each went home and cried after leaving my house. But I am so grateful that they could help. I am still not ready to take Nat’s clothes out of the closet. Or take her calendar off the wall. It still shows October. It seems so definitive then. And I fell apart after they left. Her room is not complete. There are things that I want to do to make it Alie’s room. And Nat’s clothes are out of the dresser, but there are some still in the closet. I have to finish that task. But I know that I will make it through this as well. I know my Lord will carry me, Bryan, Emily and Allison through this journey. We will never get past it…we will simply journey through it.

This month marks 11 months since we lost our Nat Nat. This month also marks the day that Kimberly and Mark bring home my niece, Anna Kathryn. Right now, they are preparing to meet AK for the very first time, hold her, hug her, and express the amazing amount of love they have for her. They will get home during my “hard week”. And we will be standing at the airport. All of us will be there. I know Natalie will be there as well. She and my lord, my comforter, gave us Anna Kathryn…making her the perfect match for our family. And I will praise Him. Even when I am hitting the bottom again, wondering still why this all happened, I will praise Him. Because I know He will catch each tear that falls, He will mend my heart a bit more, and He will show me the perfection of His unconditional love. You see, God is good, all the time. And I will remember this, praise him for this, and lean on it each time I begin to doubt. Because I know He will show me the way back up from the bottom. He gives me the gift of being able to express all that I feel through writing here. I don’t think I could do it without Him.

Good night all.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie and Allison

More tomorrow....

I am tired....I have a lot to say. This post has been in my head for about a week now. But I am tired, have I mentioned that yet? So, I am going to go to sleep and try to get some rest. That does not come easily for me right now. Tomorrow, when Bryan gets home from his workup for deployment, I will elaborate on the last 2 weeks. There have been lots of ups and downs, lots of praises and prayers. So....I will fill you in, as soon as I get a bit of rest, I find my knees and find the right words to express just what I want to. That is the beauty of a blog. I can write tomorrow when the words will come out right.

Goodnight all.
Love,
Hillary

He's with me

I am frustrated and irritated. I have been this way for a few days now and I am trying to find my way out. It has not rained here much recently which is usually good for my mood. There are several things going on with our family (that I don’t really want to put out there on the internet) that I am sure are affecting me like this. But we are surviving. I am not big on change…not at all…and I think I have had too much recently. I have had to make the decision to end a friendship that has meant so much to me in the past. I am so saddened by this, as I hoped it would have been able to recover. I am sure all of these things are making me a bit miserable. I was not even really able to enjoy bible study the other morning due to my frustration. And that is usually one of the few places that I can drop life at the door and just focus.

The sixth month has kept me in this ugly moment. I keep thinking it will lift any day now, and yet it has not. I have thought in the past (I think it was month 3) that this was the hardest month. But it does not compare to this month. I have not been able to shake some emotions that I don’t even want to feel in the first place. The day of Natalie’s accident and the days following keep playing in my head. I am second guessing all my decisions, some of our moments, and a few of my thoughts. These are not the things that I want to dwell on. I want to remember all the good things, our moments together. But they are starting to blur. I don’t like that feeling. I want it all to remain crisp and perfect. I miss her smell the most. That may sound weird, but she had this sweet smell to her. It was different from Emily. And it used to be on her blanket. Now I cannot find her smell there. I knew the day would come that it was gone. But I was really wanting it to last longer. I keep hoping I will find something that will remind me of it but have yet to.

I also am a bit jealous of Nat. She is in this perfect place, having the time of her life. I am here, missing her, wishing I was with her, and wanting my life to be so different. I definitely think she has the better deal out of the two of us. I am glad of that. I only want the best for my children. So, it does help knowing that she got the better end of this deal. I just don’t get the why part. There are lots of cliché things people say. I have heard them all…they don’t help. I know I won’t get this answer. I am ok with that. But it still haunts me, begging for me to seek it out.
There are two songs I listen to pretty frequently that remind me of Nat and where I am. I usually turn them on and blast them in the car after I drop Em off at school so I can drown in them. They always bring me to tears…but they are helpful to me. One of them, Praise you in this Storm by Casting Crowns, has been specific to my moment. The first verse is where I am now. Wondering, questioning, and hoping for an answer.

“I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.”

That is it…that sums it up. I keep hoping the tears will be wiped away and that He will save the day. But I know He already has. We have made it this far because He has saved the day. Then I get to the chorus and it reaffirms what I already know.

“And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm.”

I don’t understand why I still want to praise Him. It makes more sense, so to speak, not to. After all, I don’t have the why. I cry a lot! I just don’t get it. But yet it seems so normal and appropriate to still praise Him, let him hold each tear, each doubt, and each question. And I do hear Him say simply, “I’m with you.” No matter where I am.

I wish I was as good as the guys from some of these Christian bands putting out songs that really hit it right on. I wish I was that good of a writer, poetic and able to take my thoughts and put it into a 3 minute song. Instead, you get my ramblings. You get to read through it, figuring it out in 1500 words or less (on most days!) just as I do. But, please know that this is helpful to me. Bryan and I speak about just every post I make prior to it being posted and he usually agrees with everything I say. I know it gives you all a bit of insight as to how we are doing.

I want to ask for your prayers over the next few weeks. We are going through some changes as a family including transition into summertime, which is not something we have ever had to do. I am not good a change, really quite the opposite. Our “new normal” as we have lived it over the last few months is in true upheval and I am trying to prepare to deal with this. Please pray that this is smooth for all four of us, including Alie. It is hard to believe that she will be here in a few short months and as we transition out of summer, we will be transitioning into sleepless nights, crying, diapers, and every bit of heaven that a new baby brings. But we have to get through this next season as well. I am sure it will bring a new season as a family too.

And I am sure I will still hear Him say, “I’m with you.”

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and sweet growing Alie