Eighteen long months...

Eighteen months ago, I watched my baby leave her earthy body.
Eighteen months ago, Bryan and I made a commitment to really work on our marriage so we would survive Natalie’s death.
Eighteen months ago, I became a stay-at-home-mom.
Eighteen months ago, I had to learn how to be honest yet sensitive with our 3 year old who was trying to figure out just what happened to her sister.
Eighteen months ago, our families (about 30 people or so) converged on our home to carry our family…and we barely fit inside.
Eighteen months ago, I stopped nursing Natalie.
Eighteen months ago, my bible returned to my bedside table.
Eighteen months ago, I questioned all that I believe.
Eighteen months ago, I thought I had lost all hope.
Eighteen months ago, my heart was so heavy that I could barely breathe or walk or shower.

What does grief look like eighteen months after you kiss your daughter goodbye? It looks like me.

I am torn. I am sad. I am hurting. I am confused. I am scared. I am lost. I question so much of what I believe. I question my faith. I question God’s love. I question where my life is going. I question all that was solid before October 24, 2007. But, He reassures me that His grace is perfect. I am not but He is. And He is working in me.

I like to shut off. I will admit it…when I don’t know how to react or respond I just shut off. I hide. I want to stay in bed. I do all that I can to keep the kids going while avoiding taking care of me. I avoid the phone. I ignore my animals. I stop blogging even though I still want to and my mind is racing a million miles a minute. I don’t ask for help. I want to avoid the feelings, avoid dealing with what happened. I almost get to the place where I think that if I ignore it, it will go away. I feel as though I am damaged, unworthy, hopeless. But, when I get to that place, that still small voice surrounds me, catches my tears, and reminds me that I am loved. He reminds me that His hands are carrying me and that his yoke is uncomplicated. And then I feel His peace around me and I can face my grief and know that no matter how difficult it feels, I am in His grasp. And I am His child.

I prefer only safe things. I have a hard time with baptisms. I sometimes leave the sanctuary for those, so that I will not break down and loudly blubber during someone elses’ amazing wonderful moment. I just don’t want to ruin it. I am unsure when I get near children that I have not been around much in the last 18 months. I bow my head and avoid eye contact when I get to those places. I do have those strangely uncomfortable moments even in places that I think are safe. At Emily’s ballet studio, I felt a panic rise in me for the last 2 Mondays. Not because I don’t feel safe there, but because Natalie would be starting Kinderdance class in the fall. And she would be playing with one of my favoritest (is that a word?) girls who is just her age. They would be dressing up, playing so sweetly and going through the terrible twos together.

That’s me…simple, straight forward honesty of how I feel. I have bad days. I have horrible days. But I also have smiles, cuddle time with my sunshine Emily, ‘nuggle time with my nuggey Alie, and belly laughs with both girls. There is a twinkle in Emily’s eye again, proving that she is working through it. Alie is blissfully unaware of the past. And Bryan and I are wading through the messy world of grief, together. I am so very happy to have him home. He most definitely is my rock. Now if I can just get back in the habit of journing and getting to the gym, things could be back to “normal”.

As soon as my computer is working better, I will get some new pictures up. Yes, it is still crashing on me. We have a hectic month during May. Alie will be having surgery to open her tear duct on her left eye. I am very aprehensive and scared. But I know it is what she needs done. And Bryan will be gone most of that week. Thankfully, my parents are coming a bit early (before Alie’s baptism) to help with Emily while I take care of Alie, and calm myself down. Alie will be baptized at our church on May 24th. We are going to have a gaggle of family and friends with us…and we would love to have you share in this important moment for Allison and reaffirmation of faith for Bryan and me. It is also such a beautiful moment when a grandpa has the honor of baptizing his fourth granddaughter.

I will do my best to not stay away so long anymore…really it doesn’t do me any good. Journaling helps me heal. So when I don’t journal, I get depressed. And I do love to share my beautiful children with you all.

It is now almost 1am and I need to join my sleeping family. Thank you for praying for us and checking on us. We yearn for each prayer and are grateful for all your support.

Good night all…off to dream of my three girls.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie and Allison

Caught in the Middle

Somewhere in the middle, you’ll find me. Most days that is where I sit. In the middle, not sure of right and wrong. Deciding what I know is right and feeling pulled towards the opposite. I know who puts the thoughts into my head. I know Satan is out to get me, hoping that my walk of faith will falter ever so slightly so he can work his way in. I know that my faith can carry me, yet I question so much.

This morning, for the first time in months, really years, I went to Sunday School. I will admit I have not been during my married life. We go to church, but never ventured into the intamicies of a small group or class. Emily went for the first time ever last week. And she loved it. She came home with stories of God and singing Jesus’ praises. It excited me, re-lit my love to learn. So I made sure that we got there this morning (even if we were a bit late!) because I wanted that joy too.

We talked about 2 John. We talked about Truth and love. A question came up. Which is easier to believe, God’s Truth or the love of Jesus through God’s Truth? Most answered that love was easier and Truth was questioned so much more. Then I decided to share, even on my first day there. You see, I find that Truth remains constant while love is what I question. I know God’s Truth, his grace, and my reward with him. I also know Jesus’ love, his sacrifice for me and you, and the promise of eternal life. But what I realized during this class was that before Natalie’s death, it was easier to question God’s Truth more and rest easily on his love. Now, after such a tragic inexplicable loss, it is easier to hold God’s Truth, His promise, close and question His love for me. Isn’t it interesting how that changes in the blink of an eye?

So where do my questions lie? Somewhere in the middle of it all. I live with contented peace, yet I always want more of what we lost. I live with our new normal but long for the old. I love Alie with all that I am. But I also know that Alie would not be here if Natalie had not died. I love talking about Natalie, but fear others won’t bring her up because the mention of her name brings tears to my eyes. This is my middle. Somewhere between what is and what was. I know there is Truth at one end and the pull from it at the other. I know I am in between, figuring out how to surrender it all to Him. I know that one end is the God that I know, the one that we read about in scriptures. And I know the other end what I want God to be. How do I shift my longing for Him to the truth and not the other? How do I give up my dreams for His dreams? How do I tip the scales towards Him? How do I get out of the middle that I live in?

These are the questions that I contemplate everyday. I am sure you have the same questions, just varied slightly to your own struggles. But the fundamental question remains the same. How do I focus on the alter, lay it all out for him, and not lose sight of His glory and grace as I journey out into the real world?

There is a song…there is always a song with me. I am loving Casting Crowns (and really so many others) right now. The song is “Somewhere in the Middle”. It is so perfect for me right now. It has all of this in it. On my bad days, I listen to it as loud as the baby can handle, belting each lyric as a prayer to my Lord. On my good day, I do the same, using it as a praise, keeping my focus on that alter.

You can see some videos of it on youtube.com if you choose. I am a fan of closing my eyes and singing loudly. You may want to as well. My favorite verse is the 4th verse. It is where I am right now, although all of it really speaks to me. Here are the lyrics so you can sing along.

Somewhere in the Middle by Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

Good night all.
I am off to cuddle with the Nuggle-bug. The plan is to give you pictures tomorrow. Look for them then.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison, and especially our angel baby Natalie

a powerful truth

I have learned something…the truth hurts. This is something that I already knew. But it has become more prevalent for me in the past few days. I have become very good at hiding lots. I can fake a mood, looking as though things are just fabulous. I can adjust my answers to portray what I think someone may want to hear, allthewhile ignoring the truth that is in my heart. I have learned how to convince myself of a truth even when I know that it is not true and I am still hiding from myself.

Today, that changed. I have been hiding so much from myself, hoping that my lie would then become the truth. I have been saying, living and doing what I wanted to be real even when I knew that I was lying to myself and in turn lying to everyone around me. But today, I decided that I would face some things head on and hopefully be able to live the truth. But that truth hurts. The first thing I had to do was to give something a voice. Although I would love to spell it all out right here, I must keep a bit of this private simply because I do not know all my readers. So, although I must remain a bit vague, know that the vagueness is totally truthful!

Today, I gave the one feeling that has not changed in months a voice. And now I feel like I can really address it and face this truth fully. I have to admit. It was hard. I was scared to voice it. I was scared to begin this process. I am still scared to admit to others. But, I told Bryan finally about how I was feeling. That was big for me. Even though I know he would never be anything but supportive, I still worry just a bit. True to the husband that I love and adore, he is supportive and understanding. Although I don’t feel like I can divulge all to you now, please keep me in your prayers as I deal with this, learning how to live though it.

My truths have been more than just this though. The truth of seeing just how much I have changed in the last 10 years, since Bryan and I were engaged and having our first picture taken together for our church’s directory to the photo that I received in the mail today, was heartwrenching. The fact that Bryan looks the same, just older is wonderful. The fact that I look older and bigger was hard to see, hard to say, and hard to swallow. I have a bit of work to do.

Yesterday, it was hard to know that Natalie had been gone 13 months. There I go again, counting things. But what was worse was realizing that in about 6 weeks, Natalie will have been gone as long as she was with us. And in 12 months, Alie will have been with us longer than Nat was. These have been so hard to swallow. I have not gotten over these yet. I don’t really know that I will. I wonder how I will make it through those milestones. I wonder how I will make it through the next holiday. Last year, we were still in shock. This year, it has totally hit us hard that someone is clearly absent. Thanksgiving was hard. Keeping up that front was so hard. Thankfully, now, I can let down my wall. Christmas will be….I don’t even want to think about it yet.

I have been thying to figure out how this fits into God’s word. I wanted to see what He had to say about how I have been feeling. I found my answer in 2 Corinthians 12. I came across this verse yesterday. Somehow it fits me right now. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.” I am weak right now. But His grace is sufficent. His grace is what brings me here, to confess to you and to confess to myself. His grace gave me the courage today to face what I had been hiding from. I can rest in this. I will rest in this. He is sufficient for my weakness. I can face the truth and all the hurt that comes with it because His power is perfect.

Good night all.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie and Allison