hello world...

I need to blog. I have spent the day crying on and off. And I need my outlet. It is here. This is one of the places that I can be authentically me, not holding back and letting it all go.

Let me start with the update. It has been so long that there is so much that has happened. For my sweet friends who see me on Facebook all the time, bear with me here. This will be redundant for you...but pivotal to bring me back up to date.

Bryan has deployed since my last post. And he made it home safely. I am so grateful for him. Along those lines, we have received orders to his next duty station. We are going to Stuttgart, Germany for the next 3 years. Long time but so short too. We are going to really enjoy our time there. We are planning lots of sightseeing (yes, I am my father's traveling daughter!) and plenty of trips to those places I have only dreamed of until now. The packers come in 19 days and we fly out in 26 days. I am nervous. I will admit that. And I know that the first few weeks and months will be hard. But we will get through that and I am sure we will thoroughly enjoy our time in Europe once we get through the initial shock of it all.

The girls are thriving. Emily has finished the 1st grade and is excited to begin school once we arrive in Germany. She is spunky, imaginative, sassy, and beautiful. I am so proud of her. She was so excited this week when she passed her swim test at the YMCA. She can now be in the pool without one of us with her. Wow....not sure I am quite ready for it. But I let her go down the big slides and she was ecstatic! I find myself needing to let go and let her grow, even when I am praying through every moment of it.

Allison is almost 3 and we can tell! She is full of questions, personality and temper tantrums! She won't take a nap but needs it still. And if she does take a nap, she is up late! I don't really know which is worse.

Natalie, our sweet angel, is missed by the bucketfuls. I long for her in places of my heart that I did not think were there. It takes my breath away most of the time still. Emily talks about her all the time and Allison has even begun talking about her "big siter Natalie". Alie knows her pictures and asks when they can play together. Breaks my heart on a daily basis. Natalie's birthday is this coming Thursday and we will be celebrating every moment we had with her. We will start with donuts and coffee to the PICU at NMCP. That evening,we will celebrate her with our closest friends here. There will be food, cake, ice cream and balloons sent to her telling our girl just how much we love her, miss her and are thankful for every second we spent together.

Can you believe she would be 5 years old this year?!? It feels like she was born just yesterday and it also feels like more than a lifetime. I am not sure which is worse. I miss her with every ounce of me, every breath I take and every step. She is my first thought when I wake and my last before I fall asleep. Her pictures are in every room of our home. I miss her so desperately.

I am hanging in. I have begun looking at when and where I will complete my Bachelor's degree and move onto my PharmD. I miss the pharmacy. I miss the challenge of it all. I miss my career. I need to be home with the girls now. But I also need to begin back on my journey so that I can be me, the pharmacy girl, again. I am staying in women's bible study groups as much as I can to learn more about Jesus and the heaven I will be joining my sweet girl in. The girls keep me busy and on my toes. And I enjoy this time with them. They are growing so fast. I am grateful that I am able to be home now and see all these lovely stages. I mean that, really!

So as we begin on this journey to Europe, I am going to begin blogging again. It will be for me to get out what I am thinking and how I feel. It will be to update our family and friends on where we are, what we are doing and how much fun we can have there. It will be an online diary for the girls to remember our time in Germany. I have debated starting a new blog. But this is home. We are still looking up, looking for guidance, looking to the One who can heal our broken hearts. There is still a downpour....it will slow but I know this rain is here to stay. Thankfully we have an umbrella, One who holds each tear we cry and wipes our cheeks with His love and mercy.

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. ~1 Chronicles 16:11

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. ~Psalm 30:5

All my love,

Hillary

Three Years...

My sweet baby Natalie,

Oh, how I miss you. I miss your smell. I miss your smile. I miss your cuddles. I miss your energy. I miss your curiosity. I miss your spunk. I miss the way you put your arms behind you like you were taking flight even though you were just walking. I miss your love of mac and cheese and chicken nuggets. I miss how you and Emily played together. I miss every inch of you, every moment that we did not get together, every milestone and holiday that we lost. You are never far from my thoughts. You are my first thought in the morning along with Emily and Allison. You are my last thought at night. You and your sisters make my heart smile and cry all at the same time.

Three years ago I sat by your bed. I begged you to open your eyes, to tell me you love me just once. I held your hand, rubbed your legs, brushed your hair. I brought stuffed animals to keep you company and pictures to show you were full of life. I told stories about you to anyone that would listen. I pumped milk so that you could still nurse when you woke up. And I prayed. I prayed more than any other time in my life. I prayed that God would give you back to me. What I learned that day was that I am not in control. He is. And He held you and me both that night while I waited. Waited for miracles. Waited for answers. Waited for anything.

I would love one more day with you, boogs. I would love a lifetime more with you. But I am so very proud to be your mom. I am so thankful for the 14 months and 12 days that I physically held you in my arms, the 39 weeks I carried you in my womb, and the lifetime that I get to spend telling others just how fantastic you were.

Three years....feels like forever since I held you. Three years...seems like it should be so short in the grand scheme of things. Three years. I do not know how I have gotten this far. And I don't know how I will go another three years. But I do know that everyday is one day closer to you, one day closer to heaven. And everyday I will choose to remember, choose to love, choose to fight. I will do all I can to keep your sisters and your Daddy safe. And I will look forward to the day that I see you again.

I love you so much. I ache for you all the time. I am desperate to hold on to what I have of you here. You are missed more than you could ever imagine. You will always be my Natalie, my boogsie, my little ladybug. You will always be a part of my day, a part of my thoughts, and a part of my heart.

I love you sweet girl!

I miss you most...

Love,

Mommy

Fearless...Fear Less

I used to be fearless. I used to be invincible. I used to be footloose and fancy free! I used to not worry. My only fear was that the house was going to catch fire and I would lose my pictures. That was it. I was not scared of anything. Then the worst happened. And my fearlessness turned to daily terror. Fear of erasing pictures that I cannot get back, fear of car accidents, fear of the house burning down and not getting Natalie's urn or albums out. Fear of swimming, fear of playing somewhere that we are unfamiliar with, fear of burying another child, fear of having my heart broken again.

Fear tends to grip me when things are not working right. It has been that way for the last few weeks. Car repairs, demanding toddlers (both of them) and general exhaustion has definitely contributed to the fear and anxiety I have been feeling.

This weekend, we came down to Florida for a visit with my family. We saw Kimberly and Mark a few weeks ago over Fourth of July weekend. So it was definitely time to see my parents and grandparents.

We all were invited over to dinner at the home of my parent's good friends, the Thomases. I was fine with it....until Dad said that they have a pool. Let me preface this by saying that we have not ventured into any backyard and only two homes that have backyard pools since before Natalie's accident. I do not go there. I do not like them. I do not want to be near them. Not since Natalie's death. Too hard...too much imagination to want to go there much less the chance of another child falling in and getting hurt. I very reluctantly said ok to going, not because I did not think we would enjoy ourselves, but simply because I knew that Emily would want to swim and I was going to have to face my fear head on. But, with me in the pool with both girls, Emily in her vest, and four other adults watching all of us, I decided that I would have to go there sometime and this would be it.

We went. We swam. We had a good time. I was not fearless. But I did fear less. I don't have to be fearless. I won't be. But I can fear less so that my babies can enjoy something they love so much, swimming. Allison will be in swim lessons for the first time as soon as we get home. And Emily will be back in them so she can be the best swimmer and the safest swimmer she can be.

I do love swimming. I always have. I want my girls to love it too. I don't want them to be fearless...there is a potential for something to go wrong. But between my fearful soul and their fearless inhibitions, I am going to fear less.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. ~Isaiah 41:13 NIV

Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I am not letting go. I am telling you, 'Don't panic. I'm right here to help you.' ~Isaiah 41:13 The Message

When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.~Proverbs 3:24

Good night all!

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our sweet angel Natalie

I am angry...

I have been absent. I have been busy. I have been lazy. I have been angry.
This is what has kept me from writing. I am mad. I am mad that I didn’t go with my gut instincts on October 24th. I am mad that the door opened. I am mad that Natalie’s accident happened. I am mad that Bryan was not home then. I am mad that she never woke up again. I am mad that I had to say goodbye. I am mad that Emily struggles with her feelings of grief and loss on a daily basis and I can’t take that away. I am mad that Allison will never meet her sister. I am mad that I have a beautiful urn in my living room. I am mad that I don’t have a cemetery to visit and grieve in so that I can come home and not do it there. I am mad that I have 2 bins of 12-18 month clothing that needs to be worn (to get the use that the money paid for) but I can’t bring myself to do it...or to get rid of it. I am mad that I don’t get to raise all three of my girls. I am mad that Natalie will never tell me I love you (at least not on this side of the veil). I am mad that she will never have a first love, first kiss, first dance at her wedding. I am mad that she will not get to take care of Bryan and me when we are old and ornery. I am mad at the thought of being mad.

That is what my life, thoughts, and writings have been for the last 3 months. I have been absent because the story would have been the same. I did not want to bore you with it. But then I realized…although I write to let you all know how we are doing, I also write to work through all of these feelings. So I decided that I need to get back to writing. Here I sit, in front of a computer screen, in front of an urn, trying to put my thoughts into sentences. This is quite difficult, much more than I thought it would be.

Until later...
Hillary

Who You'd Be Today

There is a song, I know it sounds a bit cliché, but there is a song. I went to my first Kenny Chesney concert when he was the opening act for Tim McGraw on the Set This Circus Down tour. Then I saw him again in the summer of 2007. He sang a song that always tugged at my heart strings. Now, this song brings me to my knees. I always think of Natalie. I always wonder...who she would be today. I catch glimpses through my friend's children. I can watch her run, talk, play, and love on her sister Alie through them. I had the sweetest moment with Julia the other day at the zoo. She and Alie and I were hanging out. She randomly walked over the Alie in her stroller and kissed her on the top of the head. Then a few moments later she did it again saying I love you baby Alie. I can only imagine what kind of sister Natalie would be. This song will not leave my head, it is playing over and over....

Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

Someday I will know. I will see her again. I will know how her personality blossomed. And my questions will be answered. I will hold her, kiss the top of her head, and tell her I love her. I will get to take off my coat and my heart won't hurt anymore. My tears will be gone. Some day…

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. ~Psalm 27:14

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Today, we are taking treats up to the PICU staff. I like to feed them. It makes me feel like I am helping a little when they did so much. We have yummy cupcakes and coffee for them. This will be the first trip up to visit without Bryan. I don't know how I will do, probably cry a lot. But I will make the time to say thank you. It is important to say thank you.

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and our sweet angel baby Nat Nat

I miss her

October 1….a day that I dread really. It is the beginning of the month that my life changed forever. It did change in other months as well, February for our wedding and Emily’s birthday, August for Natalie and Alie’s birthday. But October is different. I became a mom who buried a child, a mom who fears for each moment of my children’s lives, hopes that they will be ok when I place them in another’s care. I became the woman who signs her babies up for swim lessons because there is no other option in her life right now. It is October. Grief is hard. Grief is overwhelming and debilitating. And October is a month of reminders. I miss her.

From my recliner I can see Natalie’s Urn. It sits just to the left of the TV in the living room. We live in this room, play, laugh, even eat some. And she lives here with us too. It is as close as we get to having her here with us. I miss her.

Today, I took Alie to the mall for Gymbucks at Gymboree (one of my favoritest things!) and I got her ears pierced. She looks so cute with them. Bryan called tonight (yeah!!!) and I told him. I think her was a bit upset that he was not there. But getting her ears pierced made her different from Natalie. We never took the time to get Natalie’s ears done. Thankfully, we never did it. We were able to donate her kidneys, heart valves and liver because we never got around to it. I miss her.

There are so many things I am trying to do differently, just because so many things are the same as two years ago. But the biggest difference is that this time two years ago I was not missing my baby girl. My arms did not ache to hold Natalie. She was a vibrant, curious sweet little girl with strawberry blond hair and green eyes. She was very high maintenance, very needy, and so loveable. She was Natalie, perfect Natalie. She was here. I miss her.
Bryan is on deployment again. He is doing well. We get to talk about once a week. I know you all probably want to know more, but that is really all the info I have. I know this is hard on him, with so many similarities between the two years. I know he misses her.

So begins October…I am loving on Emily and Allison. I am hugging them more, making sure to take time with each one individually. I am trying to not lose my patience. I am taking time to play in bed before we all get up. I am not pushing Alie to sleep in the crib. I love my cuddle time with my cuddlebug. And I love that Emily wants to snuggle all the time.

So we are ok. We are getting up and doing what we have to each day. We are making it through. Emily, Allison and I are living the best we can while missing two very important people, Bryan and Natalie. Bryan will be home soon. I miss Natalie.

Please pray for our family. Pray for safety for Bryan. Pray for patience for me. Pray for peace for all of us.

I have a new verse that is helping me through. I came across it rather randomly but I think it was placed in my path for a reason.

“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8
Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie

Is He enough?

I have held onto a business card that is covered with scriptures that I find comfort in for the longest time. First, it was in my pocket. Then it migrated to my purse. It took up residence next to my reading corner on the table. Lastly, until it landed in my hand again, it was on my scrapbooking table. I have pondered writing about these and all they mean to me for so long. And the only thing I wrote on the card (other than the verse addresses) is the words, "Is He enough?"

The day I started this card was a bad day. Today, I had a bad day. Just very off and moody. The girls were great. Alie even took 2 naps and Emily let me get some CM work done. But I am bitter right now and that bitterness was really seeping in to my mood. Perhaps because yesterday was the 24th. Perhaps because Alie's birthday is coming up and I will be celebrating this birthday in a similar way that we celebrated Natalie's 1st birthday. Perhaps it is because we just celebrated Natalie's birthday one week ago. Maybe it was all of these things that puut me into the muddy funk that I don't like.

Tonight I was going to post about the birthday celebration of my sweet girl who should be three now. I was going to post this amazing picture (that alot of you have seen on my facebook pictures) and tell the story behind it. But I am going to change gears.

I read a few other blogs. I have backed off from reading as many as I used to. I found that if I read my Bible, I was more uplifted. But there are a few that I still follow. Tonight, as I was reading one, I read of another family who has suffered a loss greater than ours. I do not know the story but they lost 2 year old boy/girl twins in a drowning accident. My heart led me to read the last entry on their blog (which has not been updated since), post a comment, and pray hard! But my heart also led me back to my card with scripture on it. I have found great comfort in these and I hope and pray that they find my blog and can find some peace within God's Word. It is the only place I have really found peace since losing Natalie. So, this evening, I give you my list. And my wish is that they touch you as they have touched me.

Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.
Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life. ~Galatians 6:1-5, MSG

When God made his promise to Abraham, he backed it to the hilt, putting his own reputation on the line. He said, "I promise that I'll bless you with everything I have—bless and bless and bless!" Abraham stuck it out and got everything that had been promised to him. When people make promises, they guarantee them by appeal to some authority above them so that if there is any question that they'll make good on the promise, the authority will back them up. When God wanted to guarantee his promises, he gave his word, a rock-solid guarantee—God can't break his word. And because his word cannot change, the promise is likewise unchangeable.
We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek. ~Hebrews 6:18-20, MSG

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ~Hebrews 11:1, NIV

The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field.There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look.He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum.But the fact is, it was our pains he carried— our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures.But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed.We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost. We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong, on him, on him. ~Isaiah 53:2-6, MSG

All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God! Thank him to his face! He gets angry once in a while, but across a lifetime there is only love. The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter. ~ Psalm 30:4-5, MSG

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." ~Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV

"I, I'm the One comforting you. What are you afraid of—or who?Some man or woman who'll soon be dead? Some poor wretch destined for dust?You've forgotten me, God, who made you, who unfurled the skies, who founded the earth.And here you are, quaking like an aspen before the tantrums of a tyrant who thinks he can kick down the world.But what will come of the tantrums? The victims will be released before you know it.They're not going to die. They're not even going to go hungry.For I am God, your very own God, who stirs up the sea and whips up the waves, named God-of-the-Angel-Armies.I teach you how to talk, word by word, and personally watch over you,Even while I'm unfurling the skies, setting earth on solid foundations, and greeting Zion: 'Welcome, my people!'" ~Isaiah 51:16, MSG

And of course, there is the one that I go to so often that I can recite it word for word....
Jesus answered, "You don't understand now what I'm doing, but it will be clear enough to you later." ~John 13:7

Perhaps, if you meet someone who has experienced a loss so great, and you are comfortable with it, feel free to share with them our blog and our story. Hopefully our loss can help someone else.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison, and especially our angel baby Natalie

"That Mom"

I am that mom...the one whose babies are wearing hand-me-downs that may have a faint stain or two on them. My children may have a bit of crusty snot on the end of their nose. They may even be wearing clothes that don't match because they are so proud of picking out their own outfit. They might make the biggest mess in the restaurant, so much so that I have to leave a bigger tip. They could begin to screaming in the middle of the store because I would not buy the one toy "that is her favoritest and she has always wanted for her whole life".

I certainly do not have it all together. There are many days that I am lucky to just get a shower. And those are the days that I realize that I am "that mom." You know the one...you feel sorry for her in the grocery store. You hope that her kids will take a nap just so she can have some peace for 5 minutes.

But, I am also "that mom". This one is the mom who you tiptoe around hoping to not upset. This mom is sad and hurt and upset and puts on that happy face just to make other less uncomfortable around her. This is the mom who wonders who else around her has walked the road she is on now. This mom wants to be normal, like the other moms she knows, but knows that will never happen. This mom never wanted to be in this group, and tries daily to figure out just how she ended up there.

Today is Natalie's third birthday. Last year it did not seem quite as hard as it is now. Perhaps it was because Alie was days away from her arrival and we were still in shock. I think that has finally worn off and now it is just the insurmountable grief and heartache that encompasses us. I still can't figure out why. I think that question will remain on my heart and the tip of my tongue until I see Nat again. Two years ago we were starting on an incredible journey, one that we never could have imagined or picked. But it is one we now stare head-on and know we have to face. Two years ago I was not sleeping because I was just so excited to meet our second baby girl. Now, I am not sleeping because I miss my second baby girl immensely.

We will be celebrating Natalie's thrid birthday with an evening with our close friends. We are going to go to Red Robin for dinner, the perfect place to take children and one that I know Nat would love as much as Emily does. Then we will head to the store and get some Happy Birthday balloons. Finally, we will all head back here, decorate the balloons with my extensive collection of Sharpies (random, I know) and send them up to her with all the kisses we can plant on those balloons. We are going to have cupcakes and sing happy birthday. We are going to do all those things we would do with her here, but we have to do it without her. One day I will get to celebrate her birthday again....one day.

Sweet baby girl, we miss you so very much and wish that you were here with us. I know you are having a ball there. Have a great time celebrating with all your friends in heaven, just as we will celebrate with your friends here on earth. Love you so much, Boogsie....all the way to heaven and back. Love, Mommy

I am back...

I am having a hard time again. I think I write more when it gets harder. I am not too sure if that is good or bad, but for now...

It has been busy. Full of memories, good and bad. We went to the cabin as we do each summer. This was Alie and Anna Kathryn's first trip there. We did all the things we love to do there, swing on the porch in early morning, wade in the creek, check out what the cows are up to and moo at them, pick blackberries, eat lots of comfort food, and make a trip to Babyland General to watch a new Cabbage Patch baby's birth. It was wonderfully fun and so bittersweet. We were missing Natalie. Her picture is still on the fridge. I can still see her beautiful smile as she played on the swing on the river porch. I was reminded of our visit to Babyland General and watching Natalie crawl around the babies. She was so happy at the cabin. I am always so happy at the cabin.

Alie has gotten her first tooth and begun walking in the last 2 weeks. Thankfully that tooth came through...it was rough. She really is a snaggletooth baby though. Her first tooth was her top front right one! So odd...but so cute! And I love the toddle of a new walker, the way she moves her legs and is so happy with her accomplishment. She is an absolute joy and I am enjoying watching her grow. But... (there is always a but right?) she looks so much like Nat now. She has so many of the same mannerisms. I love the reminders, but the bittersweetness is hard for me.

Tonight was girls night out. My friends Jenna, Carmen and Erin went to the movies with me to see My Sister's Keeper. I read this book before Natalie's accident and really thought I would be ok. Boy was I wrong! I cried through the whole thing. It was just another reminder of all the things that Natalie won't experience and we won't have with her.

So, I am asking for prayers. I am in need of guidance, encouragement and love right now. We are all struggling with Natalie's death right now. We are preparing for Bryan's next deployment. Emily starts kindergarten this fall and I am worried that she will not be cared for emotionally. I have less control then and it is hard to give that up.

I will add that I am leading a bible study tomorrow (really it is this morning) on Living beyond your Circumstances. Please keep me and the ladies attending in your hearts and prayers as we share and wade through this difficult topic.

My family and friends are all asleep so I must go as well. I am sorry to be absent from blogging for so long...hopefully I can get back into this. It will help me, and hopefully help you as well.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and our angel baby Natalie

I am the clay

So many good things…so many hard things. Today was one of those hard days. We were visiting the church of our good friends and attending the baptism of their sons. Baptisms are so very hard for me. It was beautiful sacrament. I had never witnessed a Catholic baptism before. I was doing my best to hold myself together and enjoy all that was promised by these parents. There were 5 children baptized today. As the Deacon was calling each name and baptizing the children, it hit me. The first child, a sweet, blond girl, is named Natalie. She was a little older than Natalie was when she was baptized. That was it for me. I focused on my girls and the boys that I was there for. I made it through, even took a few pictures for the family. I left the sanctuary and found a quiet corner. I hugged on Alie and let myself cry. It never stops. There is always the reminder, no matter what we are doing. After the sacrament and lunch with our friends, we ran up to the outlet malls just to look for a minute. We were very good, purchasing only 1 pair of sneakers for Emily. Of course, the GPS who I have affectionately named Lola brought us home near the park where our last family pictures were taken with Natalie. Shortly after we arrived home, Emily informed Bryan and me that she wanted to send her balloon to Natalie. Every time a balloon gets away outside we talk about how Natalie will get the balloon in heaven and get to enjoy it just as she has here. Today, she wanted to write on the balloon and tell Nat Nat that she loves her. I got out the sharpie and we all wrote messages to our girl then headed outside to send her the balloon. It was so very sweet, sad, perfect and perfectly difficult. Of course, we had the camera out. I never go anywhere without my camera! Yet another moment to remember…yet another moment that I wish had never happened.

I have had a few bad weeks. I honestly think I have been in a state of shock for about 18 months. Once month 19 started, I got mad. Angry, hurt, confused, I am hot! How could this happen? Why me, why us? Why? Just plain and simple…why? It seems as though everything that happens now can be traced back to Natalie’s accident. If Nat’s accident had not happened, then ________ would have. If she was still here, then _______. It is a big fill-in-the-blank puzzle. Each piece builds on how this has affected our lives. It has affected how I approach new situations like kindergarten for Emily. It has affected activities I allow my children to participate in. It has affected Bryan’s job and advancement opportunities. It has affected every aspect of our lives. There are good things that have come from this. We have Alie. Our marriage is strong, solid and alive. But the negative impact from this just keeps resurfacing. And I have found that I am angry. I think I have suppressed it so long that this has no where to go but out. So here it is.

But I am hoping that from this will come some shaping of my soul. I know that I am like clay and God is molding me with every turn. The potter is in control and He is pushing on me to form me just as He wants. I know it is softening my heart and helping me heal. There is growth for me in this turmoil.

“Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.”
~Isaiah 64:8

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and especially our angel baby Nat-Nat who is so incredibly missed today and always

Bittersweetness

Here I sit...my family all sleeping soundly in the other room. I am alone with my thoughts again, trying to figure out just what they mean and how to wade through them. Lots of stuff happened this week and I am going to post on those tomorrow. We have a busy day ahead of us and I know the chicks will go to bed early.

My family has loved on me today. I loved every moment of it. I woke to Alie chatting with me in bed. Then, as I was getting out of the shower, Emily attacked me with gifts...a homemade tulip that she made at school, and card, and a new bible. Move over Dad, Bryan is taking over with the bible giving. But seriously, it is the Women of Faith Study Bible and I cannot wait to really crack it open! I have already looked up lots of my favorites, because I love reading those scriptures that lift me up. What a wonderful gift...but the best of all was that Bryan completely cleaned the kitchen! It is spotless and I LOVE IT!!!

We went to church today. I thought it was interesting that Pastor Dave used a scripture from John detailing when Jesus was crucified. It looks at that moment from the mother's point of view. a few months back, I wrote a lenten devotional for my father's church on this very passage. It was a fabulous sermon. Of course, I got choked up when he began talking about the grieving moms. There I was, rocking a sleeping Alie in the narthex, listening to the chatter from children's church down the hall, and crying over the daughter that I was not able to hold and hug and celebrate today. So bittersweet...

I often wish that I had a grave to visit. Something tangable that could be special for us. We have Natalie's urn here at the house. I visit with her everyday. But I can't (I suppose I really could...) put flowers on it or release balloons here. Seems like it would be not quite as meaningfu, with less symbolism. I am glad that she is here with us. As a military family, we never know when we may have to move. So, until we are settled, we need to be able to be close to her. And we are unsure of where we will retire to. Not burying her was the best way. But, I get my nights, when the family is asleep to talk with her, tell her how much I miss her, how much I love her and how I cannot wait to get to heaven to see her again. That will be a wonderful day. Then I tell her about Alie and how much she reminds me of her. Talk about bittersweet...

I have celebrated Mother's Day for five years now. And I have three gorgeous girls to be so very proud of. I can hold two of them, love on them, kiss them, and cuddle them. And I have one that I have to remember kisses and hugs. You know, Natalie used to turn her head so you could kiss on her cheek when you asked for kisses from her. I loved that. I miss that terribly! I miss her desperately. She was so very kissable. All three of my girls are...

I am off to snuggle with my snugglebug Alie. And I am off to cuddle with my amazing husband. I am so thankful for him everyday. And I am so very thankful that he and I get to celebrate our three daughters together everyday.

Good night all.

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie

Eighteen long months...

Eighteen months ago, I watched my baby leave her earthy body.
Eighteen months ago, Bryan and I made a commitment to really work on our marriage so we would survive Natalie’s death.
Eighteen months ago, I became a stay-at-home-mom.
Eighteen months ago, I had to learn how to be honest yet sensitive with our 3 year old who was trying to figure out just what happened to her sister.
Eighteen months ago, our families (about 30 people or so) converged on our home to carry our family…and we barely fit inside.
Eighteen months ago, I stopped nursing Natalie.
Eighteen months ago, my bible returned to my bedside table.
Eighteen months ago, I questioned all that I believe.
Eighteen months ago, I thought I had lost all hope.
Eighteen months ago, my heart was so heavy that I could barely breathe or walk or shower.

What does grief look like eighteen months after you kiss your daughter goodbye? It looks like me.

I am torn. I am sad. I am hurting. I am confused. I am scared. I am lost. I question so much of what I believe. I question my faith. I question God’s love. I question where my life is going. I question all that was solid before October 24, 2007. But, He reassures me that His grace is perfect. I am not but He is. And He is working in me.

I like to shut off. I will admit it…when I don’t know how to react or respond I just shut off. I hide. I want to stay in bed. I do all that I can to keep the kids going while avoiding taking care of me. I avoid the phone. I ignore my animals. I stop blogging even though I still want to and my mind is racing a million miles a minute. I don’t ask for help. I want to avoid the feelings, avoid dealing with what happened. I almost get to the place where I think that if I ignore it, it will go away. I feel as though I am damaged, unworthy, hopeless. But, when I get to that place, that still small voice surrounds me, catches my tears, and reminds me that I am loved. He reminds me that His hands are carrying me and that his yoke is uncomplicated. And then I feel His peace around me and I can face my grief and know that no matter how difficult it feels, I am in His grasp. And I am His child.

I prefer only safe things. I have a hard time with baptisms. I sometimes leave the sanctuary for those, so that I will not break down and loudly blubber during someone elses’ amazing wonderful moment. I just don’t want to ruin it. I am unsure when I get near children that I have not been around much in the last 18 months. I bow my head and avoid eye contact when I get to those places. I do have those strangely uncomfortable moments even in places that I think are safe. At Emily’s ballet studio, I felt a panic rise in me for the last 2 Mondays. Not because I don’t feel safe there, but because Natalie would be starting Kinderdance class in the fall. And she would be playing with one of my favoritest (is that a word?) girls who is just her age. They would be dressing up, playing so sweetly and going through the terrible twos together.

That’s me…simple, straight forward honesty of how I feel. I have bad days. I have horrible days. But I also have smiles, cuddle time with my sunshine Emily, ‘nuggle time with my nuggey Alie, and belly laughs with both girls. There is a twinkle in Emily’s eye again, proving that she is working through it. Alie is blissfully unaware of the past. And Bryan and I are wading through the messy world of grief, together. I am so very happy to have him home. He most definitely is my rock. Now if I can just get back in the habit of journing and getting to the gym, things could be back to “normal”.

As soon as my computer is working better, I will get some new pictures up. Yes, it is still crashing on me. We have a hectic month during May. Alie will be having surgery to open her tear duct on her left eye. I am very aprehensive and scared. But I know it is what she needs done. And Bryan will be gone most of that week. Thankfully, my parents are coming a bit early (before Alie’s baptism) to help with Emily while I take care of Alie, and calm myself down. Alie will be baptized at our church on May 24th. We are going to have a gaggle of family and friends with us…and we would love to have you share in this important moment for Allison and reaffirmation of faith for Bryan and me. It is also such a beautiful moment when a grandpa has the honor of baptizing his fourth granddaughter.

I will do my best to not stay away so long anymore…really it doesn’t do me any good. Journaling helps me heal. So when I don’t journal, I get depressed. And I do love to share my beautiful children with you all.

It is now almost 1am and I need to join my sleeping family. Thank you for praying for us and checking on us. We yearn for each prayer and are grateful for all your support.

Good night all…off to dream of my three girls.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie and Allison

A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.''Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Caught in the Middle

Somewhere in the middle, you’ll find me. Most days that is where I sit. In the middle, not sure of right and wrong. Deciding what I know is right and feeling pulled towards the opposite. I know who puts the thoughts into my head. I know Satan is out to get me, hoping that my walk of faith will falter ever so slightly so he can work his way in. I know that my faith can carry me, yet I question so much.

This morning, for the first time in months, really years, I went to Sunday School. I will admit I have not been during my married life. We go to church, but never ventured into the intamicies of a small group or class. Emily went for the first time ever last week. And she loved it. She came home with stories of God and singing Jesus’ praises. It excited me, re-lit my love to learn. So I made sure that we got there this morning (even if we were a bit late!) because I wanted that joy too.

We talked about 2 John. We talked about Truth and love. A question came up. Which is easier to believe, God’s Truth or the love of Jesus through God’s Truth? Most answered that love was easier and Truth was questioned so much more. Then I decided to share, even on my first day there. You see, I find that Truth remains constant while love is what I question. I know God’s Truth, his grace, and my reward with him. I also know Jesus’ love, his sacrifice for me and you, and the promise of eternal life. But what I realized during this class was that before Natalie’s death, it was easier to question God’s Truth more and rest easily on his love. Now, after such a tragic inexplicable loss, it is easier to hold God’s Truth, His promise, close and question His love for me. Isn’t it interesting how that changes in the blink of an eye?

So where do my questions lie? Somewhere in the middle of it all. I live with contented peace, yet I always want more of what we lost. I live with our new normal but long for the old. I love Alie with all that I am. But I also know that Alie would not be here if Natalie had not died. I love talking about Natalie, but fear others won’t bring her up because the mention of her name brings tears to my eyes. This is my middle. Somewhere between what is and what was. I know there is Truth at one end and the pull from it at the other. I know I am in between, figuring out how to surrender it all to Him. I know that one end is the God that I know, the one that we read about in scriptures. And I know the other end what I want God to be. How do I shift my longing for Him to the truth and not the other? How do I give up my dreams for His dreams? How do I tip the scales towards Him? How do I get out of the middle that I live in?

These are the questions that I contemplate everyday. I am sure you have the same questions, just varied slightly to your own struggles. But the fundamental question remains the same. How do I focus on the alter, lay it all out for him, and not lose sight of His glory and grace as I journey out into the real world?

There is a song…there is always a song with me. I am loving Casting Crowns (and really so many others) right now. The song is “Somewhere in the Middle”. It is so perfect for me right now. It has all of this in it. On my bad days, I listen to it as loud as the baby can handle, belting each lyric as a prayer to my Lord. On my good day, I do the same, using it as a praise, keeping my focus on that alter.

You can see some videos of it on youtube.com if you choose. I am a fan of closing my eyes and singing loudly. You may want to as well. My favorite verse is the 4th verse. It is where I am right now, although all of it really speaks to me. Here are the lyrics so you can sing along.

Somewhere in the Middle by Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

Good night all.
I am off to cuddle with the Nuggle-bug. The plan is to give you pictures tomorrow. Look for them then.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison, and especially our angel baby Natalie

Noticably Absent....

Hi Y'all. I know it has been so long. Two weeks to be exact. And my post tonight would be long except that we got home late, then had to eat, then got online with Bryan, then had to get everyone to bed...you know the drill. And now, it is past my bedtime, I am pooped and this adorable baby sleeping next to me on the bed is very inviting to "nuggle"with.

I will admit to you, because I am working on being more truthful, that when I am absent is when I really need to be writing. It is when I am having the hardest times, and when I am finding it difficult to express myself or focus to get anything done. These are the times when I am depressed and can't seem to find my way up. It has been that way the past few weeks.

But the last few days have been filled with ladybugs. They have been filled with reminders of my sweet Nat Nat. I will share some of the little ladies in the next few posts (which will hopefully be in the next few days) so that you can catch a glimpse of the encouragement I have seen.

I do have a request. I need someone to go to a concert with me on April 5th. It is here, in Norfolk, and Bryan will not be back yet to go with me. Do you want to know who it is? Well....The United Tour will be continuing at the begging and pleading of the fans...so I am going to see Steven Curtis Chapman and Michael W. Smith on the same stage!!!! I am beyond excited and want someone (or several someones) to go with me. Concerts are WAY more fun when you have someone to share it with. Will you join me?

Good night all...hopefully I will be back tomorrow.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Nat Nat, and nuggle-queen Alie

Never Let Go

My heart hurts tonight. I sit here, with two of my daughters asleep in the other room, wishing there were three here with me. I am grieving, dear friends. There are many tears rolling down my face and it is hard to even see the screen. Every day, Emily begins and ends with “I miss my Daddy and I miss my Natalie.” And I respond the same way, “I miss Daddy and Natalie so much too.” I am really missing my girl tonight. Maybe it is because Bryan is not here to hold me, comfort me and make me feel safe. Maybe it is because tomorrow will be 14 months and 12 days since I said goodbye to my beautiful red-headed, green-eyed daughter. Maybe it is because I am overwhelmed. Maybe it is because I am simply a grieving mom, wishing that my Natalie was still in my arms.

I have a new song that I have embraced. The chorus is so powerful, so perfect. Never Let Go. David Crowder Band sings this and I live it daily. I will never let go. I can’t. I will never let go of Natalie and my memories. I will never let go of my Lord, my savior that carries me daily through this struggle. I will never let go of the doctors and nurses that took care of Natalie, keeping her safe and helping her heal. I will never let go of my family and friends who waited so patiently for news at the hospital for five days. Our lives stood still and theirs did too. I will never let go of those that could not be with us, but prayed fervently this His will be done. I will never let go of those that brought meals, sent cards, and gave us smiles and well-wishes as we picked up the pieces of our broken hearts. And I will never let go of those that took care of Emily for those 5 days. How could I be in two places at once, with my daughter that was dying and my daughter that was so confused and scared? You helped so much. I could never repay that. I will never let go of my grief, it is now a part ofme. I will never let go of the blogging world that has embraced our family, following us, praying for us, laughing with us (do you remember the crayon story?!?) and crying with us.

I will never let go. Because you never let go. Thank you. My heart is broken tonight, but I know that You will be here to pick me up again. Ever faithful, ever true; You I know, You never let go.

“Never Let Go” by David Crowder Band
When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go

When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love

Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go

Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love

In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

Your will be done

It has been hectic. It has been hard. I have been hesitant to write. I want to say exactly what is on my heart, but fear the act of giving it words. It makes it permanent and I have a strange fear of permanence now. I have not doubt that it comes from the loss of my daughter.

I am reserved when it comes to the holidays. Last year, we put up a tree but only decorated with new ornaments. This year, we put up the tree, hung the stockings, put up the outdoor lights. I was sad all season. Relief came tonight as I took it all down. I feel Natalie’s absence so much now. And I seem to grieve more. We had one Christmas with her. She was four months old. She did not get to enjoy it like I see Emily enjoy it. Last year we were still in shock, numb from her passing, and just going through the motions to make it through another day. This year it has been real. There were less presents. The table had one less place setting. Her stocking was empty on Christmas morning when all the other stockings for the kids were busting at the seams. Crying became a constant while we were at my parents. I managed a smile when I needed to, but I knew my feelings were opposite of my outward appearance.

I am fully aware that the holidays are more difficult when you have lost a loved one. I did not know that I would feel as though I was wading through mud, thick black mud. I have spent lots of time looking for comfort. Bryan and I have leaned on each other. I have gone to my bible more times than I can remember to get me through this. And I am glad the holidays are over. Now for the next hurdle…

First, let me tell you about the most amazing thing that happened in Florida. My sweet, amazing, beautiful, funny niece (but I am not biased!) Anna Kathryn was baptized on the Sunday after Christmas by my dad. Having your father share that moment, the sacred sacrement of baptism, as your pastor is amazing. I have done this twice, both with Emily and Natalie. And Daddy will baptize Alie as well. We all stood up with Kimberly, Mark and Anna Kathryn during this moment to share in the joy. Anna Kathryn was adorable and everything went smoothly. We all sat back down and Dad continued the service. My Aunt Celia leaned over, tapped my shoulder and let us know there was a ladybug crawling towards us on the pew. Yes, you read that right, a ladybug in December in St. Paul’s UMC on our pew! She crawled to Bryan, Alie and me. I put my hand down and she crawled right onto my finger. She spent about a minute tickling my finger until she got agitated and flew away, towards the stained glass window at the back of the church. I have not seen Nat visit us in a long time. And I have been discouraged by it. But, how amazing is it that Nat visits us at the baptism of the baby that we know she provided the hedge of protection over at her birth. Anna Kathryn was born on the day that we celebrated Natalie’s life. And I am certain that Natalie is a major player in making sure that Anna Kathryn became a part of our family. Here she was again, on one of the most important days, protecting my sweet niece. There she was…comforting me as my 14 month old niece smiled my way.

We did have to head home early. Bryan received a call from work calling him back to deploy. We were so sad, both at the shortened visit, but also the reminder of his impending deployment. We found out today that he will be leaving this week. Please keep Bryan in your prayers as he travels to the Middle East and as he defends our nation. We are desperate for safe travels and a safe return. Emily, Alie and I will make it through. I am nervous about being alone with the babies while he is gone. But I know I can do this. And I have Corey too! He is a blessing and so helpful to me. I am thankful he is in our lives.

I have to admit…because I know that you all know my secrets…that my heart has felt harder recently. I have spent many hours praying for God to soften it. I have prayed for guidance through this sea of grief. I have prayed for direction and faith. My faith in my Lord has not waivered. I have waited for Him to guide me. And I am now working through some of the conversations we have had in the last few weeks. Please be in prayer over these. I cannot divulge more at this moment, but Bryan and I are figuring out just what it means. I tend to ask Him seveal times if this is really what He wants before I say, “Your will be done.” I question when I should not. And I am now focusing on obedience.

Last year was full of grief, questions, never-ending court dates, and overwhelming fear. But it was also a year of hope, new life, answers, and love. We found resolution, restoration and remembrance to be evident at every crossroad. We pray that this year will bring all of this and so much more. I know that this year, with deployments and anniversaries, it will be a leap of faith for each of us. But I know whose hands will be there to catch each of us.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:1-3

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Hillary and Emily at the LifeNet ceremony

Good night all. Happy New Year.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily especially our angel baby Natalie and Allison

forgiveness and grief

I am attempting to write this as I play Wii bowling with my family. Bryan, Emily and I are playing and Alie is on the floor watching. Bryan is a competitive soul…he is hard to play with. Anyhow, today Emily played her first real game of bowling and LOVED it! It was so fun to watch her and her little friends see just how many pins they could knock down. And if they got them all? Pure bliss. So now we are bowling at home, and I am having a great time with this.

We are having a fun-filled day. First, a birthday party at the bowling ally. Then, off to Shannon and Brian’s home for a Christmas party for the kids. Finally, we headed home for some more quality time together. Bryan will be deploying soon. We are doing our best to enjoy the time we have. Emily’s favorite part of today was bowling with Alex and Santa at Shannon’s (according to her she gets 2 favorites).

I know I have not updated since Tuesday. I am sorry for that. This week has been hard, similar to the weeks of anniversarys and birthdays. We decorated the Christmas tree. It is so hard to put all the ornaments on for Natalie. I would never leave them off, but I cried with the placement of each one. Last Saturday, I worked at a craft fair. One of the booths was an ornament booth. And they had a ladybug ornament. I got one. How could I not? I had Natalie’s name written on it. I think that we will look for a special ornament each year for her for our tree.
Tuesday in court went well. I spoke in court, requesting that she not serve any jail time. I told the judge of how we have forgiven Sue for what happened. The judge heard our request, acknowledged that we hold no animocity and therefore the court won’t either, and suspended a 12-month sentence. We are pleased. We are glad this part of the healing process is done. But as we left court, I grieved for the child that I spoke for. I missed her a bit more during that moment.

A reporter from the local NBC station, WAVY 10, was in court covering the story. He approached me after court with a request for an interview. I immediately responded stating that I would only do it if it was about water safety. Andy looked at me, told me no and explained that he wanted to do a story on forgiveness. He promised that it would be a good piece, true to our story and that others needed to hear it. Sue and I talked, agreed to do it and met him about 2 hours after court let out to do the interview. There were 2 segments shown that night, both showed mercy, forgiveness, and love. Andy gave us what he promised. If you would like to see the first one, go to http://www.wavy.com/ and search my name, Hillary West. You will find the story. Click on the video tab above Natalie’s picture and press play.

I have grieved so much this week. I have spent a lot of moments crying. I have spent so many moments wishing things were different. It is the same story that I have lived for the last 13 months and 14 days. It is the same story that I will live for a long time to come. This week, I contacted the woman who plans the Compassionate Friends meetings in our area. I think I am ready to work through this more. I have heard that they help, these meetings. I am going to see where this leads.

I have another request, dear friends. Tomorrow (Sunday, December 14th) is Worldwide Candle Lighting to remember children who have died at any age from any cause. It is at 7pm your local time. Simply light a candle in honor of the sweet children that are gathered at Jesus’ feet. There will then be a wave of light that circles the globe in honor of our babies. We will be lighting many candles here, remembering our sweet Natalie. I hope you will join us. Please light a candle in honor of Natalie. If you take a picture of your candle, I would love to see it.

Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4
Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
Lamentations 3:32

Good night all.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

the business of grief

I'm sad. It has been a very hard week. It continues to get harder as we go. Tonight is pie night. All 6 pies will baked into their yummy glory and delivered tomorrow morning. Kim, you are the lucky recipient of our 6th pie. After we make them, adjust the receipe to reflect what we really put in it, I will post it so you all can enjoy the yummy goodness of the pecan pie we enjoy each holiday.

I had a revelation yesterday. I was on the floor playing with Alie. She is so good at playing and making me smile. I just have to look at her and she grins from ear to ear. This, in turn, puts a big smile on my face. Which, then, puts a big smile on her face. Do you see the pattern? It is a vicious, fabulous cycle. But, as I was smiling to my daughter, I realized just how heavy my heart is right now. I am missing Natalie so desperately right now. Emily is too. And so are Bryan and Corey. But Alie does not know yet what grief is. She just smiled right on through. One day, I will have to introduce her to grief. It will be different for her. But she will be exposed to it much sooner than she would have otherwise. I am unsure about this. How do I introduce sadness to my little one? I guess it will just happen during the conversations about her sister. I don't like this though. She should not have to be exposed to it so soon. I love the fact that Natalie never really knew hate, or sadness, or grief. But Alie will. This is hard for mommy to accept. And I am not doing it too well right now.

I wanted to post a few pictures of my girls. Yesterday was Emily's preschool Thanksgiving Feast. She was a pilgrim girl. And she made a beautiful pilgrim girl. But, of course, after everyone was dressed, she wanted to be a Native American. Most of the other children were Native Americans. The good thing about the feast was that they served Chicken Nuggets, Em's favorite! She says she will try turkey tomorrow....we will see.

Of course, as Alie and I were playing on the floor yesterday, I couldn't help but grab the camera and snap a few shots of the smiling baby. She is quite a ham already, both with the camera and the fact that her thighs are so chunky and adorable. There are so many yummy rolls that I love to squeeze. And her smile...you can see for yourself!

Counting...

I don't think I will ever stop counting. I have counted the number of day Natalie was with us, the number of days in the hospital, the number of days until we had her funeral, and I even know the number of days that she has been gone. Today is a number too. Today is the 24th...13 months since I saw my Natalie's smile. Thirteen months since I held her. It crept up on me. Yesterday I was in a bad mood. I could not pinpoint why. I honestly thought it was because I have not been faithful to my devotional time in the morning. Or maybe it was hormonal. Or maybe I was stressed that today is going to be so busy. Maybe, it was just because the baby has been fussy and I am not sure why. Now I know. It is all of these things, along with the counting.

There are lots of days when I don't want to count. I simply cannot help it though. As much as I try not to, it always creeps into my thoughts. I suppose it always will. But does it have to hurt so much? Do I have to cry when I think of her 5 1/2 days in the hospital? Sure, it is now part of me.

Bryan and I were counting the number of pies that we have to make this year. Every year, Bryan makes a yummy Pecan Pie for Thanksgiving and Christmas. If you are one of the lucky people who has tasted this tiny piece of heaven, you understand. We have one, we make an extra for home because it is just that good. We have to make one for a few special friends, and of course there will be a pie that makes its way to the PICU. Have I ever mentioned that I love to feed them? Don't really know why...maybe because food can make anyone happy. Last year, we made 5 of them. This year the number is the same. But this number then reminds me that last year we had Turkey with my sister and her family. And Nat was not with us. It reminds me that we will be taking a pie to the hospital. We only know the staff there because we spent 5 days with them while Nat fought. Somehow, numbers have become something I don't always want to remember.

Anyhow....we have time this year to make one more. If you are in our area and you want one of these yummy pies this year, leave a comment. Give me a really good reason why you should get this tasty treat. Bryan and I will pick the most deserving comment and bring it to you either Wednesday night or Thursday morning.

til later....