Busy Girls

Oh my…what a busy couple of weeks. February has already kept us running. I have been looking for the moment to sit down and write. But it never seems to be there, the extra moment. So, I am taking the moments after I finished dishes and before I fold laundry (while Alie is napping of course) to fill you in what is going on with us. First, we are all good. Other than the cold that seems to be plaguing everyone we know, we are healthy. Emily is busy with school, ballet, swim lessons, and Yoga class. Alie is busy learning all kinds of things like sticking her tongue out, crawling on all fours, mastering the art of eating off a spoon, avoiding nap time, melting my heart, and cuddling so warmly at night. I am learning how to survive without Bryan to help me. So far…so good.

Last weekend, I had my semi-annual CM weekend away. We were at the beach for the entire weekend, babysitter in tow. I can tell you, without a doubt, I would not have survived without Renee, the sitter. The girls were so happy and good. I did not worry a bit. She had it all under control, even better than I usually do! And the girls that were at the weekend away had a great time. We all got a lot done in our albums. We were all exhausted when we got home and have spent the last several days recovering from it.

This week has been a bit less hectic and we have enjoyed our lighter schedule. We have had some nice weather as well and were able to go outside and play a bit. Of course, when you are 4, all you want to do is go outside or to a park. So we did that…

And it is so much more fun with friends!!

Aren’t the girls getting so big? Tonight, I was looking at some video of Emily and Natalie. We don’t have much, but what we do have makes me smile. But Emily was about 3 in the video and just so cute! She even said, “did I really sound like that?” I responded, “Yes…and you still do!” It really made me realize just how much Emily is growing up. This week, I booked her 5th birthday party. That made me feel like it has gone by so quickly. She also had her class Valentine’s party and was sad that “boy Alex” was not there…he is at Disney this week. But I assured her that he would be back next week and she seemed ok with that.

Overall, we are good. We are counting the weeks since Bryan left, knowing that with each one we are closer to our family being reunited. No countdown to return yet…as we don’t have a date.

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie and Allison

Beautiful Scars

I always hated anytime I ended up with a scar. I have lots of tiny ones on my arms from having the chicken pox 4 times as a child. I have one next to my knee from the time I cut it in band class (yes, I played the saxophone) in the 8th grade. I have three on my other knee from surgery 11 years ago. I have one on my left hand next to my ring finger where I burned myself on an iron while visiting my sister 10 years ago. I could go on and on…I have lots of little ones everywhere.

But I now have a few scars I am so very proud of. I have lots of stretch marks to show how my belly grew as the girls grew within me. I did not like them at first. They are still not my favorite. But they are a daily reminder of the joy and pure bliss of feeling a child kick you from within, roll over, hiccup and push a little foot outward to make a bit more room. I have a c-section scar that shows that my girls were born. It is not healed yet from Alie’s birth, but it will be a beautiful scar. It will remind me daily that I carried all three of them, that they were taken from my womb and given to us to love, care for, and watch grow.

Now I have a scar that is not so tangable. I have a scar on my heart reminding me daily that, although Natalie grew within me and she was born, she stayed with us for only 14 months 12 days. Somedays it is not as visible, hiding just beyond the view of the naked eye. Somedays you can see this scar. It manifests itself as my quiet demeanor, tear stains on my cheeks, or the inability for me to focus on things as I should. There are many days now that I can only do one thing at a time when I was a good mutli-tasker before. Natalie takes up at least one “task” at all times…my thoughts are never far from her memory. But this is a scar that I happily wear now. I am not happy she is gone, but I am happy that I am her mom, that I held her even if it was for a brief moment, and that she loved me. I am so grateful to have memories, lots of memories. I can’t even begin to count the number of pictures we have of her smile, personality and love. We thrive on those. I know I can take out my albums or just open Memory Manager on my computer and I can remember all those moments. They are some of the most precious memories we will ever make.

One year ago today, Natalie was given a scar. At 1:39 in the morning she left our world. But as she left she gave what she could to help another. She was given a scar when her kidneys were removed. And somewhere in Central Virginia, a 42 (now 43) year old man got a new scar…one that gave him Natalie’s kidneys and a new opportunity to live. These have to be 2 of the most beautiful scars that I will never see. But I know about them. I know the sacrifice my girl made. I know the sacrifice we made. And I know that it has forever changed me.

Last night, we ventured up to the PICU. As you all know well, I like to take them yummy goodies. My heart pounds when I pick up the phone in the hallway to gain permission to enter the PICU. I feel as though it is going to come out of my chest as we walk through the door. And usually I begin to sob as we say hello to the staff working that day. We have been fortunate to visit (the last 2 times!) where there have been no children in the PICU. It is a bit easier when I do not hear the machines dinging. Bryan and Emily always walk down to room 5, where Natalie fought for her life. Each time we go, I run into someone else that was intregal in Nat’s care and several others who know of us even if they did not specifically care for our girl. Last night was no different. We arrived with coffee and a Pumpkin Pie (yum!). I picked up the phone and a familiar voice was on the other end. C.A., one of Natalie’s nurses, was working. We have not seen her since we left one year earlier. CA was Nat’s nurse on the 29th last year as I cut Natalie’s hair, as we bathed her, as we took her footprints and handprints so we could forever remember her and have a few tangible things in the years to come. It was so nice and comforting to see her face. We were able to share Alie with her. She even commented on how much Alie looks like Nat. Although I know that the circumstance was not good, we certainly made several sweet friends during our time there. And I am grateful for each one. I am grateful for each one we reconnect with on our visits. And this was my first visit there that I did not cry. As we left, my heart felt full. I had walked out the doors and down that hall one year ago. Our girl was going home to be with her Lord and we were going home to mourn her. But I felt like she was with me as we left, hugging on me and telling me that she was ok. One day I will be able to look into room 5. I know I will leave with tears streaming down my face. And I know it will get easier each time I visit.

I miss her terribly. Tonight has been so difficult. Events of the day have not gone how I wanted and that makes me anxious. I am not packed and I am supposed to leave in the morning, bright and early. Our departure will be delayed so I can sleep tonight. And packing will take place in the morning. The grief, the heartache, is real tonight. It is strong and making it hard to breathe. I spent a little over an hour cuddling with Alie after she fell asleep. Bryan and Corey had to run out and it was just me and the girls. I cherish that time, no matter which of my girls is curled up with me. Those moments allow me to remember the scars each one of my girls gave me. They make me smile and cry all at once. They are beautiful scars.

It has been one year. This year has flown by and yet it has seemed as though we are living in slow motion. I know that the coming year will give me more ups and downs, more heartache and more moments to cherish. I know it will add a few more scars.

They will be beautiful scars.

Good night all.
Love,Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel Natalie, and Allison

An eventful week and counting...

It has been a rough week and a half. Our delivery was perfect. Alie is beautiful. Emily is adjusting so well that I often wonder if it should be this easy with her. But my recovery...that is another story.

I have had 3 c-sections now. I know the list of complications. I understand what each means. But I managed to get the one complication that was NOT on the list and I was not prepared for. I knew something was wrong when I was still counting the hours until the next motrin and strategically spacing my tylenol apart from it so I would not have to take any narcotics for pain. I knew that my pain level should have been so much better. But I was not really sure there was a problem until this past Thursday. I woke up and realized that my incision was bleeding, alot. I was very scared and waited for Bryan to come back into the room where he confirmed what I thought. We had a problem.

I had one of my best friends check it out for me (don't worry, she does this for a living) and she agreed that I had to be seen by my doctor. Somehow I managed to get into my doctor within 2 hours of calling and we got the news. I had a hematoma. It was not good. It had to be drained. They had to reopen my incision. It was going to hurt. I was scared. I am a wimp when it comes to pain. I knew this was not going to be pretty.

Then we were told that I would have to have home health come and pack it twice daily through the weekend. Yuck. And I was not allowed to go anywhere or do anything. Yuck, again! It was gonna be a long weekend.

Today, I went back to my doctor to decide what we would do next. I told her I had to be able to travel in 2 weeks. So she closed my incision back up. Again, I do not like pain! And that hurt. I am back on day one healing wise instead of day 11. And I still can't do anything. I never thought I would look forward to vaccuuming or doing the laundry or cleaning the bathroom so much!

Hopefully, this is the last of the difficulties and I will be healed quickly so we can get on to the next event....Anna Kathryn's arrival! Yes, Kimberly, my sister, and her husband Mark will be traveling to China this Thursday to meet their baby girl! My parents are meeting the 2 newest grandbabies within a month of each other. We are all ecstatic at the baby growth our family is having. So, on September 27th, we will all be standing in the Charlotte Airport to greet Mark and Kimberly and Anna Kathryn! I cannot wait!!!! Emily is excited, Bryan is excited, and I think even Alie is excited. She will be keeping a log of their trip and you can follow her story here .

Emily also has had a great week. She had her first day of 4 year old preschool last week and her first day of ballet this week. Want to see how cute she is? Here you go!!

That is all for now....we are getting by. I am amazed daily at how much Alie looks like Natalie. And she has so many of the same facial expressions. I think Nat is saying hello everytime Alie gives me one of those looks. I can certainly hope that she is checkin out her sister over my shoulder.

Goodnight all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

My beautiful family

Last week, we had a photo session with one of my favorite photographers and her assistant who happens to be one of my great friends. I love Jessica Riehl Photography and how Jess captures each moment. And Ryall is so fabulous and whimsical and everything I am not! So we headed out to do some pics of my large belly and our family together. A few evenings ago, I received the first preview from Ryall's camera, unedited but beautiful. I had not had a chance to post it on here, so it will be the first one you see.

I loved on this picture throughout my trip to MN, even showing it to everyone who would stand still. Aren't Emily's eyes just stunning? I am certainly in love with them!

This evening, I received an email from Jess with a few more pictures. I am sure you will see why I love her photography style so much! Check out her website and blog. If you go to the galleries and look through, you will find another picture of Emily, taken back in November. I am sure you will fall in love with her photography as quickly as I did.

And can I just say that there is something about a 4 year old in a twirly skirt (that is Em's description) that could make anyone have a good day? I am loving the skirt, I am loving my photos, I am loving my family, and I am loving these memories. Thanks, Jess and Ryall, you both are fabulous and I love you!!!

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

We are...

I have come to my computer to write so many times in the last month. And I cannot seem to get my thoughts to paper. This is difficult for me. I have always been able to express my feelings through writing, but now I struggle. There are so many things that are affecting me, I am sure. Bryan just got home from a deployment, his first since Natalie’s accident. He was gone 6 weeks. That was hard. We have just passed the 8 month anniversary of Natalie’s death. I am still in shock that she is even gone, much less that it happened 8 months ago. I have been to the hospital several times for check-ups and lab work. Nothing to worry about…but every trip to the hospital is difficult. Walking in reminds me of walking in the first time. Walking out reminds me of the night we said good-bye. I am thankful that I go to a different floor than the one Natalie was on. We are closer to Alie’s arrival. I will admit…I am scared. I know we will be fine, adjustment will be difficult, and we will be joyful as we grieve. All of these play into what I am feeling, and how I deal with all of this.

While Bryan was gone, Emily and I went on a mini vacation. We ventured to the cabin, Briarpatch, in North Georgia with Mom and Dad, Kimberly and Mark. We had not been there, as a family, in about 15 years so this was well overdue. We had a great visit, Emily ran Kimmie and Mark to exhaustion, and made lots of new memories in a place that holds so many wonderful childhood memories for me. My first trip to the mountains of North Georgia was in October of 1980. I was 2 ½ years old then. And I literally grew up there. Last summer, I took the girls there. It was the first part of a 2 week trip on sharing all my childhood favs with Emily and Natalie. I have to say…that was one of the best decisions of my life. I am sad that Bryan was not able to go with us, but I am so glad that Natalie experienced all of those things before we lost her. Being at the cabin was hard this year. I never thought it would be a place that would bring tears to my eyes but it did this year. I kept thinking of last year, of all the things we did together, places we visited, and I kept thinking that we will share all of it with Alie as well next summer. I don’t know how many times I looked at the pictures to remember what a happy place it really is, despite my sadness this year. I wish Bryan had been there to help me through it, although I know it was important for him to do what he was doing. Thankfully my family was so supportive and understanding. I do have to admit that it was nice being at the cabin. There is no cell service (to speak of), no internet, no TV, just nature and the company with you to keep you busy. It is relaxing. We are planning on going next year, this time with Bryan and Alie joining us. And I cannot wait to share the farm with them. Hopefully the cows will still be there next year…I know Emily will want to share them with Alie. She loves the cows!

Bryan has now been home for a week, and Corey is back as well. It seems that life is getting back to normal, but it is really a strange “new normal” that we are all living now. There is an obvious absence in our midst, one that makes me a little uncomfortable.

Court has also been postponed again. This was difficult to hear. I really want this part to be over. I feel like it just continues to drag and as I prepare to have to listen to the details of the day again, I am crushed again by having to wait. The bad news of all of this…the new date is after Alie arrives and after Bryan will leave for his 6 month deployment. And this whole scenario, which should have been resolved about 2-3 months ago, does not really have an end in sight.

I think yesterday was the hardest though. Last year, we spent the 4th at the cabin, actually at Rib Country eating amazingly wonderful ribs until we exploded. This year we headed to Town Point Park, where we always go to watch fireworks, and it was weird. I spent the whole time thinking about how we never took Nat to see the fireworks, she never went to Town Point for our annual tradition, and that last year was her one and only July 4th. I wanted to cry, hide, change things somehow. I wanted her back. I wanted her to experience that. This year was so similar to 2 years ago. I was pregnant with Nat then and it was Corey’s first year with us. This year we were all back together there, pregnant with Alie this time. So similar, but so very different. I think we all knew that she was missing and she would have loved the lemonade, the singing, playing on the grass, dancing with her sister. Can I just say…this sucks! I have grown to really not like holidays. I am grateful that there are only about a dozen of them. Maybe after the first year and the “she was here last year but now she is not” moments have passed it will get a bit better.

Alie is doing well. We got a peek at her the other day at my check-up. She looks great, weighing about 4 lbs. She is kicking tons, moving all the time, and making it difficult for me to sleep. But, that is how it should be and I am enjoying every moment of this. Next Saturday we are going to do a 3-D untrasound and I cannot wait to check out her chubby cheeks. I am sure they are chubby…both Em and Nat had them so she has little chance of escaping that family trait. Plus, it is an extra look at her and how well she is doing. Emily is excited. When we had Natalie’s 3-D, Emily got scared that they were hurting me and we had a hard time convincing her otherwise. This time, she is so excited to see her. Nine months is a long time to wait when you are 4 years old and she lets us know just about everyday. When I explain that she is too small to come home now and would have to stay at the hospital if she was born now, Emily quickly changes her mind and wants her to stay in my tummy. Officially we are just under 2 months from my due date, but she will be here at the very end of August. It is getting close and we have so much left to prepare for her arrival…we better get busy.

That is about it for now…we are here, we are hanging in, we are surviving. We are excited for the new beginning that will be here shortly and we are grieving still for the lost moments of our sweet baby girl. I guess the best way to say it would be, “We are.” I can start so many sentences with this…and I don’t think that will change anytime soon.

Good night all...
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and our kicking Alie

He's with me

I am frustrated and irritated. I have been this way for a few days now and I am trying to find my way out. It has not rained here much recently which is usually good for my mood. There are several things going on with our family (that I don’t really want to put out there on the internet) that I am sure are affecting me like this. But we are surviving. I am not big on change…not at all…and I think I have had too much recently. I have had to make the decision to end a friendship that has meant so much to me in the past. I am so saddened by this, as I hoped it would have been able to recover. I am sure all of these things are making me a bit miserable. I was not even really able to enjoy bible study the other morning due to my frustration. And that is usually one of the few places that I can drop life at the door and just focus.

The sixth month has kept me in this ugly moment. I keep thinking it will lift any day now, and yet it has not. I have thought in the past (I think it was month 3) that this was the hardest month. But it does not compare to this month. I have not been able to shake some emotions that I don’t even want to feel in the first place. The day of Natalie’s accident and the days following keep playing in my head. I am second guessing all my decisions, some of our moments, and a few of my thoughts. These are not the things that I want to dwell on. I want to remember all the good things, our moments together. But they are starting to blur. I don’t like that feeling. I want it all to remain crisp and perfect. I miss her smell the most. That may sound weird, but she had this sweet smell to her. It was different from Emily. And it used to be on her blanket. Now I cannot find her smell there. I knew the day would come that it was gone. But I was really wanting it to last longer. I keep hoping I will find something that will remind me of it but have yet to.

I also am a bit jealous of Nat. She is in this perfect place, having the time of her life. I am here, missing her, wishing I was with her, and wanting my life to be so different. I definitely think she has the better deal out of the two of us. I am glad of that. I only want the best for my children. So, it does help knowing that she got the better end of this deal. I just don’t get the why part. There are lots of cliché things people say. I have heard them all…they don’t help. I know I won’t get this answer. I am ok with that. But it still haunts me, begging for me to seek it out.
There are two songs I listen to pretty frequently that remind me of Nat and where I am. I usually turn them on and blast them in the car after I drop Em off at school so I can drown in them. They always bring me to tears…but they are helpful to me. One of them, Praise you in this Storm by Casting Crowns, has been specific to my moment. The first verse is where I am now. Wondering, questioning, and hoping for an answer.

“I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.”

That is it…that sums it up. I keep hoping the tears will be wiped away and that He will save the day. But I know He already has. We have made it this far because He has saved the day. Then I get to the chorus and it reaffirms what I already know.

“And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm.”

I don’t understand why I still want to praise Him. It makes more sense, so to speak, not to. After all, I don’t have the why. I cry a lot! I just don’t get it. But yet it seems so normal and appropriate to still praise Him, let him hold each tear, each doubt, and each question. And I do hear Him say simply, “I’m with you.” No matter where I am.

I wish I was as good as the guys from some of these Christian bands putting out songs that really hit it right on. I wish I was that good of a writer, poetic and able to take my thoughts and put it into a 3 minute song. Instead, you get my ramblings. You get to read through it, figuring it out in 1500 words or less (on most days!) just as I do. But, please know that this is helpful to me. Bryan and I speak about just every post I make prior to it being posted and he usually agrees with everything I say. I know it gives you all a bit of insight as to how we are doing.

I want to ask for your prayers over the next few weeks. We are going through some changes as a family including transition into summertime, which is not something we have ever had to do. I am not good a change, really quite the opposite. Our “new normal” as we have lived it over the last few months is in true upheval and I am trying to prepare to deal with this. Please pray that this is smooth for all four of us, including Alie. It is hard to believe that she will be here in a few short months and as we transition out of summer, we will be transitioning into sleepless nights, crying, diapers, and every bit of heaven that a new baby brings. But we have to get through this next season as well. I am sure it will bring a new season as a family too.

And I am sure I will still hear Him say, “I’m with you.”

Good night all,
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and sweet growing Alie