Brutal Honesty

I am sad tonight. It has been a rough day. It has been 11 months since I held Natalie, fed her, slept with her cuddled up next to me. This is not easy. And, of course, it is windy and cold and will rain for the next several days.

But I do have the love and fiestiness of my Emily to keep me on my toes. And I have a daughter who only wants to nurse and cuddle today. Alie is pure bliss right now, knowing that I just need to cuddle too.

She needs me now and I need her too. So I will post what is in my head soon...but for now, I leave you with glimpses of my beautiful family. Enjoy!

It's Alabama Football Season!

Feeding Alie her first bottle. Yes, she actually drank it!!

Cuteness at its best today!

Josi the cat is actually bigger than the baby...what is wrong with that sentence?!?


Big stretches after a good nap cuddling with Mommy.

the nakedness of my words...

I was first exposed to childhood death 4 years ago. After Emily was born, I became a member of an online group of people with children born at the same time. That May I learned of a family whose firstborn little girl was diagnosed with Leukemia, AML to be exact. Her prognosis was grim, but her mother was determined to help her baby girl, love her, and give her the best life possible. And she chose to share it on the internet with those of us that had begun to follow the story and begged for updates. Every day, when I would get to work, I would check for an update from Jenny, hoping they had a good day and night, hoping for good news, and hoping that things had turned around for this baby who was only 9 weeks older than my sweet girl. I prayed diligently for Jenny, praying that she would not have to endure the loss of her baby. That was unimaginable to me. Sadly, Jenny lost her daughter four years ago this past Saturday. Her baby was 8 months and 27 days old. I cried over her loss. I could not imagine how she could possibly make it through something so devestating. I thought that I could never survive something that tragic. On Saturday, she posted that she was having a bad day. If I knew her personally, I would have tried to help in any way I could. I would have brought dinner, sent flowers, called her just to say that I missed her too. But I only know her over the internet. Although it feels as though we have been friends for years, I only know her through her words, her honesty and nakedness that she shares on her blog.

Now here I sit, facing the same emotions, thinking that I cannot imagine coming upon the day we lost Natalie four years later. Honestly, I cannot imagine the day that 14 months and 13 days passes since we last kissed Nat Nat. Then, she would have been gone longer than she was with us. It will happen in January and I am sure that it will not be a very good day for me. I never thought that I would know first-hand what it was like to bury my child. Now, I know exactly how Jenny feels, how she felt. Her posts make so much sense to me. Not only can I imagine her daughter looking and acting similarly to Emily, but I understand the emptiness and grief that she faces everyday. Today, I learned of another mother who lost her son, born just 8 days before Alie, to sepsis after severe kidney problems since birth. I am grieving for her tonight. I am hopeful that she knows my God, the One who has carried our family through this, the One who has given us peace and understanding. Her name is Tina, I do not know where she lives, but I know our Lord does. And I am sure He is holding each tear that falls in the palm of His hand, just as He has done for me.

Can you tell I am struggling? Can you tell I miss her? Can you tell that I want nothing more than to have her home with us? Yet I know that she is so happy right now. I know she misses me too. And I know she watches over us daily, from the moment we lost her. I know she shows us that she is still in our hearts, loving us. I know because I feel her presence, from ladybug sitings, to Anna Kathryn’s birthdate, to the amazing way that Alie tugs at my heart by making some of the exact same faces that Nat did. Alie and Nat look so much alike. It is wonderful and hard all at the same time.

This past week I had to start the hard task of changing Natalie’s room into Alie’s room. It will always have pieces of Nat in it, but it needs to be Alie’s space as well. Two of my sweetest and best friends helped me with this chore. I know it was hard for them as well. I would not doubt that they each went home and cried after leaving my house. But I am so grateful that they could help. I am still not ready to take Nat’s clothes out of the closet. Or take her calendar off the wall. It still shows October. It seems so definitive then. And I fell apart after they left. Her room is not complete. There are things that I want to do to make it Alie’s room. And Nat’s clothes are out of the dresser, but there are some still in the closet. I have to finish that task. But I know that I will make it through this as well. I know my Lord will carry me, Bryan, Emily and Allison through this journey. We will never get past it…we will simply journey through it.

This month marks 11 months since we lost our Nat Nat. This month also marks the day that Kimberly and Mark bring home my niece, Anna Kathryn. Right now, they are preparing to meet AK for the very first time, hold her, hug her, and express the amazing amount of love they have for her. They will get home during my “hard week”. And we will be standing at the airport. All of us will be there. I know Natalie will be there as well. She and my lord, my comforter, gave us Anna Kathryn…making her the perfect match for our family. And I will praise Him. Even when I am hitting the bottom again, wondering still why this all happened, I will praise Him. Because I know He will catch each tear that falls, He will mend my heart a bit more, and He will show me the perfection of His unconditional love. You see, God is good, all the time. And I will remember this, praise him for this, and lean on it each time I begin to doubt. Because I know He will show me the way back up from the bottom. He gives me the gift of being able to express all that I feel through writing here. I don’t think I could do it without Him.

Good night all.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie and Allison

An eventful week and counting...

It has been a rough week and a half. Our delivery was perfect. Alie is beautiful. Emily is adjusting so well that I often wonder if it should be this easy with her. But my recovery...that is another story.

I have had 3 c-sections now. I know the list of complications. I understand what each means. But I managed to get the one complication that was NOT on the list and I was not prepared for. I knew something was wrong when I was still counting the hours until the next motrin and strategically spacing my tylenol apart from it so I would not have to take any narcotics for pain. I knew that my pain level should have been so much better. But I was not really sure there was a problem until this past Thursday. I woke up and realized that my incision was bleeding, alot. I was very scared and waited for Bryan to come back into the room where he confirmed what I thought. We had a problem.

I had one of my best friends check it out for me (don't worry, she does this for a living) and she agreed that I had to be seen by my doctor. Somehow I managed to get into my doctor within 2 hours of calling and we got the news. I had a hematoma. It was not good. It had to be drained. They had to reopen my incision. It was going to hurt. I was scared. I am a wimp when it comes to pain. I knew this was not going to be pretty.

Then we were told that I would have to have home health come and pack it twice daily through the weekend. Yuck. And I was not allowed to go anywhere or do anything. Yuck, again! It was gonna be a long weekend.

Today, I went back to my doctor to decide what we would do next. I told her I had to be able to travel in 2 weeks. So she closed my incision back up. Again, I do not like pain! And that hurt. I am back on day one healing wise instead of day 11. And I still can't do anything. I never thought I would look forward to vaccuuming or doing the laundry or cleaning the bathroom so much!

Hopefully, this is the last of the difficulties and I will be healed quickly so we can get on to the next event....Anna Kathryn's arrival! Yes, Kimberly, my sister, and her husband Mark will be traveling to China this Thursday to meet their baby girl! My parents are meeting the 2 newest grandbabies within a month of each other. We are all ecstatic at the baby growth our family is having. So, on September 27th, we will all be standing in the Charlotte Airport to greet Mark and Kimberly and Anna Kathryn! I cannot wait!!!! Emily is excited, Bryan is excited, and I think even Alie is excited. She will be keeping a log of their trip and you can follow her story here .

Emily also has had a great week. She had her first day of 4 year old preschool last week and her first day of ballet this week. Want to see how cute she is? Here you go!!

That is all for now....we are getting by. I am amazed daily at how much Alie looks like Natalie. And she has so many of the same facial expressions. I think Nat is saying hello everytime Alie gives me one of those looks. I can certainly hope that she is checkin out her sister over my shoulder.

Goodnight all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

More pictures of the girl

So, I had to share more...we are so enjoying our girls right now. Alie had her first checkup today and is doing wonderfully. She lost some weight in the hospital but is back up to 8lbs 6ozs. She is a happy girl, except for when she wants to eat. Then she gets pretty bossy. Like right now....gotta go, but here is a bit more eye candy for you to love on!

Daddy and his daughter watching Alabama beat Clemson...Roll Tide!!

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

Baby Alie is here!

Well, after months of anticipation, Alie is here! She arrived on 8/28/08 at 8:47 am. She is absolutely perfect in every way! She was 8lbs 15.4ozs, our smallest baby yet!! She is 20.5 inches long. She looks just like her sisters. We are so in love with her, enjoying every sleepless moment of our nights. Emily adores her, kissing her as much as possible and being so helpful. I have to admit, it is hard. She looks like Emily and Natalie and it is difficult to know that Natalie is not here to enjoy her as well. I held it together for the last 6 days, but tonight it got the best of me. Bryan had to just hold me and listen to my random momentary issues.

But through all the difficulty, through all the memories...we have a beatiful baby girl. Please welcome our third daughter, Allison Hope, to your lives, your prayers, and your hearts.

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie, and Allison

The Birthday Girl

It is late and I should be heading to bed instead of sitting down just now to my computer with a thousand thoughts in my head, all of which are the same as yesterday and the day before. But today they are stronger, more promenant, more sad, more everything. Two years ago, Bryan and I were in the hospital staring at our sweet baby girl. She was 12 hours old and we were in love with every inch of her. We had shared our news with all that we knew and Nat was known throughout the ward, because babies that are almost 11 lbs are big news! She was nursing like a champ and I was trying to figure out how I was going to get some sleep. She was perfect in every way and she stole our hearts that day.

Two years later, I sit here, having just finished a big piece of cake in memory of my sweet girl. I sit here, wishing the cake had candle holes, that we had hosted a party this weekend (that Emily would have wanted to be a tinkerbell party) and we were still cleaning up the reminants of toy boxes and twist ties that released a whole new crop of toys into our lives. I would be unpacking the 2T clothing that I just packed up for the attic. My family would have just left to head home after a weekend of celebration. And right now I would probably be going to sleep, thankful for a few moments of peace and quiet without a child in my lap. I would check on my babies, making sure they were sleeping soundly and head off to a comfortable slumber myself.

Instead of the wonderful scenario I want, I have a new one. One that is still hard to live with. One that still makes me cry everyday. One that makes me want to stay in bed, not answer the phone, not use my perky voice, and not have to face reality. So, here I sit, knowing that my days begin and end with thoughts of my sweet baby girl. I know she is happy. I know she is whole. I know she is perfect. But I wish….oh how I wish for so much.

Today has been a lemon kind of day. Totally sour, needing some sweetner, hoping for a straw and maybe a few strawberries to be added to it. I hid in bed as long as I could. I ate whatever I wanted because who was going to tell me otherwise. I went shopping (and sadly walked away from Target having only spent $12). I went to my CM unit meeting and did my best to focus. Then I went to the store, got a cake with buttercream icing and balloons on it and came home to my family. I have spent today knowing it was not going to be a good one. But really….it has been full of memories and that makes it wonderful.

I miss her badly…more than I can give words to. I cannot imagine that this is really a short period of time and I will have so much more in heaven with her. It is not an easy concept and I struggle with it daily. Truth be told…I question every bit of belief I have more often than I want to admit to. But I know He is the one who will dry my tears and give me a peaceful rest tonight. He is the one who had helped me through today, knowing that it has not been a good one. He is the one who will show me that tomorrow can be good, despite my broken heart. And He is the one who will help Alie come into this world happy and healthy, showing us that we can love this sweet baby and that our new normal will have lots of happy moments.

But for today…I miss my girl. I wish I was cuddling with her now. I wish she were here eating cake with me. I wish today was easier. But I know that today I have loved her, remembered her, and done what I can to keep her alive in our family. This is what I know….just does not make it easier.

At the time of Natalie’s birth today, 10:37am, I wrote her a note and posted it on Caringbridge. I am adding it to this as well….

Happy 2nd birthday to our sweet, red-headed, green-eyed, mischevious, stubborn, loving, adorable, fabulous baby girl! I miss you most, especially today. Don't worry, we will have cake here as well....make sure you get a piece with lots of icing. I know that is your favorite part!!
Miss you most!
Love,
Mommy, Daddy, and your sisters Emily and Alie

I miss her most. We all miss her most. She will forever be my sweet 14 month old baby. She will forever be my boogsie, my cuddler, and my second-born. Happy birthday, sweet girl!

Good night all…I am off to meet my girl in my dreams. I am off the bed, with my last thought of the day being about her after my day was started by thoughts of Nat.
Love,
Hillary, Bryan, Emily, especially our angel baby birthday girl Natalie, and Alie

~I was going to put some pictures on here....but they are not uploading. I will try to add them tomorrow.

My beautiful family

Last week, we had a photo session with one of my favorite photographers and her assistant who happens to be one of my great friends. I love Jessica Riehl Photography and how Jess captures each moment. And Ryall is so fabulous and whimsical and everything I am not! So we headed out to do some pics of my large belly and our family together. A few evenings ago, I received the first preview from Ryall's camera, unedited but beautiful. I had not had a chance to post it on here, so it will be the first one you see.

I loved on this picture throughout my trip to MN, even showing it to everyone who would stand still. Aren't Emily's eyes just stunning? I am certainly in love with them!

This evening, I received an email from Jess with a few more pictures. I am sure you will see why I love her photography style so much! Check out her website and blog. If you go to the galleries and look through, you will find another picture of Emily, taken back in November. I am sure you will fall in love with her photography as quickly as I did.

And can I just say that there is something about a 4 year old in a twirly skirt (that is Em's description) that could make anyone have a good day? I am loving the skirt, I am loving my photos, I am loving my family, and I am loving these memories. Thanks, Jess and Ryall, you both are fabulous and I love you!!!

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, our angel baby Natalie, and Allison