Testing... one two three

I am having difficulties, technical ones. I write all my posts, both published and unpublished, on my hard drive first. Then I copy and paste into blogger and caringbridge for the world to see. I can't get it to copy and paste tonight...any suggestions???

I am not feeling mechanically inclined right now!

Meanwhile...until I figure out what to do, you can catch my ramblings on the caringbridge site, www.caringbridge.org/visit/nataliebrooke

Until later...
Hillary

Easter pics

Easter has been good, hectic, sad, joyous, calming, reflective, and cute! We went to the mall on Saturday night (cause it makes the most sense to wait until the last minute...right?!?!) to see the easter bunny. Bunny took a break so we waited 1.5 hours for the photo we all have to have. Bummer. But I got a few cute pics while waiting for the bunny to finish his dinner of carrots. :)

Of course, Alie was not really happy with a large bunny holding on to her. So she stood in front. I thought it was a good compromise!

Sunday was busy with church, lunch, cleaning the backyard a bit, easter egg hunt and grilling dinner. We always purchase a flower from the church in memory of Natalie from all of us. Emily picks which one and she chose a pink hydrangea. Now I have to figure out how to take care of this plant too! But it is beautiful and a good reminder of our sweet girl who is missed so desperately.

This is William, one of Alie's "men"...she has several friends that are her age, almost all are boys. But William holds a special place in her heart. She like to kiss his picture! I think he makes her heart flutter!

Easter egg hunting in the back yard had to come after nap time. Alie had turned into a pumpkin and needed her beauty sleep. Good thing...we got some great pictures of the girls and Alie had a ball on her first egg hunt. Every time she saw an egg she would shout, "Eeeeegg"and get so excited! It was so very cute. Too bad I did not think of getting out the video camera. :(

It was a good day. It was a wonderful reminder that there is a place for each of us in Heaven because of Jesus and His ultimate sacrifice. It is a reminder that we sin, we fall short, but we are forgiven. I'm forgiven. You are forgiven. We all can rejoice in that.

Until later....

Hillary

I am angry...

I have been absent. I have been busy. I have been lazy. I have been angry.
This is what has kept me from writing. I am mad. I am mad that I didn’t go with my gut instincts on October 24th. I am mad that the door opened. I am mad that Natalie’s accident happened. I am mad that Bryan was not home then. I am mad that she never woke up again. I am mad that I had to say goodbye. I am mad that Emily struggles with her feelings of grief and loss on a daily basis and I can’t take that away. I am mad that Allison will never meet her sister. I am mad that I have a beautiful urn in my living room. I am mad that I don’t have a cemetery to visit and grieve in so that I can come home and not do it there. I am mad that I have 2 bins of 12-18 month clothing that needs to be worn (to get the use that the money paid for) but I can’t bring myself to do it...or to get rid of it. I am mad that I don’t get to raise all three of my girls. I am mad that Natalie will never tell me I love you (at least not on this side of the veil). I am mad that she will never have a first love, first kiss, first dance at her wedding. I am mad that she will not get to take care of Bryan and me when we are old and ornery. I am mad at the thought of being mad.

That is what my life, thoughts, and writings have been for the last 3 months. I have been absent because the story would have been the same. I did not want to bore you with it. But then I realized…although I write to let you all know how we are doing, I also write to work through all of these feelings. So I decided that I need to get back to writing. Here I sit, in front of a computer screen, in front of an urn, trying to put my thoughts into sentences. This is quite difficult, much more than I thought it would be.

Until later...
Hillary

re-emerging

The last time I wrote on this blog, I had just been to the zoo with Alie while Emily was at school. Today, I went to the zoo with a sweet friend and her babies while Emily is at school.

It is time to start blogging again. I needed a break...I needed to clear my head. But all this break has done is cloud my mind because I have not let out all the stuff in it.

It is coming...it may be long...I hope you will stick around.

Until this evening....
Hillary

Who You'd Be Today

There is a song, I know it sounds a bit cliché, but there is a song. I went to my first Kenny Chesney concert when he was the opening act for Tim McGraw on the Set This Circus Down tour. Then I saw him again in the summer of 2007. He sang a song that always tugged at my heart strings. Now, this song brings me to my knees. I always think of Natalie. I always wonder...who she would be today. I catch glimpses through my friend's children. I can watch her run, talk, play, and love on her sister Alie through them. I had the sweetest moment with Julia the other day at the zoo. She and Alie and I were hanging out. She randomly walked over the Alie in her stroller and kissed her on the top of the head. Then a few moments later she did it again saying I love you baby Alie. I can only imagine what kind of sister Natalie would be. This song will not leave my head, it is playing over and over....

Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

Someday I will know. I will see her again. I will know how her personality blossomed. And my questions will be answered. I will hold her, kiss the top of her head, and tell her I love her. I will get to take off my coat and my heart won't hurt anymore. My tears will be gone. Some day…

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. ~Psalm 27:14

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Today, we are taking treats up to the PICU staff. I like to feed them. It makes me feel like I am helping a little when they did so much. We have yummy cupcakes and coffee for them. This will be the first trip up to visit without Bryan. I don't know how I will do, probably cry a lot. But I will make the time to say thank you. It is important to say thank you.

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Alie and our sweet angel baby Nat Nat

New York in a few pictures...

Ok, it is a few more than a few pictures. We had a blast!!! I need to write up the whole trip so we have the record and you can see what we did. This first picture is in the Plaza Hotel, the home of Eloise. And now, a trip to NYC and staying at the Plaza is on my bucket list. I have to do that one!

FAO Schwarz

The Empire State Bldg from the Williamsburg Bridge

Keli and Alie

Hillary and Emily

Empire State Bldg

Such a cutie!!!

Emily took this one!

Times Square

Ferris Wheel in Toys R Us

Morgan Freeman!!!

Ok, really he is wax...but how real does he look?!?

Ground Zero...what a sight!

Good night all!!

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison and our angel baby Natalie

Emily's big news!

Just wanted to get these pictures up to share Emily's good news. She has been wiggling her first loose tooth since July. Tonight, while rough-housing in the living room, she knocked it just enough that it came out. First came the tears (after she noticed a bit of blood) and the fear. Then, when a few minutes had passed...all was good and she is so very excited. So we have begun the road to adult teeth (gasp!!).

We also had a great time calling Nana on her birthday to wish her a happy day. Emily even had to do it on her own. She and Nana talk all the time! She likes the phone....I am in trouble!

Off to bed...we have a quiet weekend ahead. But, it will involve some boiled peanuts at the Peanut Festival! I am excited!

Good night all,

Love,

Hillary, Bryan, Emily, Allison, and our angel baby Natalie